Silmarillion headcanon #002: Sauon and Yavanna have a conversation (thank you, Henri, a.k.a. crazylaughterff)
Sauron: ⊠Bees crap in your hair.
Yavanna: And yet you put their vomit into your tea. *sips said tea gingerly*
Sauron: ⊠I will refurbish my home, every castle and hold with wooden furniture, heat them with wood and make sure everything that lives in the woods I cut down are roasted over charcoalâŠ
Yavanna: ⊠Cacao beans are the fetuses of trees, when you think about it.
Yavanna: You could also reason that they are the sperm of the jutting length of wood that is the tree and that the ground is a fertile womb they grow inâŠ
Sauron: I will destroy everything you love, so stop making the things I enjoy creepy!
Yavanna: If we continue this line of reasoning, the trees ultimately came from me, so youâre, in a sense, âeating me outâ when you enjoy your chocolate dessertsâŠ
Sauron: That doesnât even - AAAAUUUGH!
Yavanna: I will not even mention what kind of kink I could tie drinking lemonade into⊠but it starts with a âYâ and ends with âshowerâ
Sauron: I give! I give! Your forests are safe for now, just stop it, you perverted bitch!
Yavanna: ⊠So, how are things with your fuckbuffy?
Sauron: Fine, just fine⊠I do not need lessons, before you even ask
Yavanna: Now, why would you think I knew anything about the secrets of the male prostate and the joys of BDSM?
Sauron: I knew I should have had that tree cut downâŠ
Yavanna: He really should maintain his rope better, you should not be as shafed as you are, sweetie.
Sauron: ⊠and you wonder why I turned evil?
Yavanna: Not really⊠I do wonder how you ended up being the sub, though.
Sauron: If I show him I trust him to that extent, then he wonât see the knife coming, if I have to betray him, to be perfectly honest.
Yavanna: *sips at her tea*
Sauron: I will not stand up to walk away, only for you to blurt something utterly shameless and make me stumble in this much armour, so say it now.
Yavanna: *sighs* And the screaming orgasms he gives you have nothing to do with it?
Sauron: ⊠I hate you so very much, you old slut.
Yavanna: I love you too, sweetie.
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