Reclaiming a Dream
I’m a girl who likes to keep everything hidden. I grew up in an environment that no matter what was going on, the only thing the outer world would see would be perfection. This mission statement got carried into my abusive marriage because he didn’t want me to talk to people about “our stuff.” So no one ever heard about the abuse. Now my heart has been pulled out, sliced, and trampled on so many times that I hide myself from those I hold dear. I’ve found ways to express myself. On the Internet, where it doesn’t feel like I am exposing myself to more than a bright screen. Slowly that has expanded to a handful of friends I’ve learned how to be vulnerable with. Everyone else gets the flash. They get the smile and the humor, because laughter is a coping mechanism for me. Our subconscious is a powerful thing and there are many things hidden there waiting to come to the surface. When I went back to a place that holds so many painful memories, I was forced to relive some of those memories. This is the thing about embarking on Shadow Work, some of those truths are painful. I went to Portland knowing that there was a good chance I would be triggered and I took steps to minimize the impact it would have on me. I surrounded myself with people I trusted, I had plans for if I was triggered, but I still had to deal with memories and flashbacks that came to the forefront of my mind. Even now, 3 weeks later, the flashbacks are seared into my memory of the trip. It took me a long time to learn what constitutes true consent and it never occurred to me to think back to different parts of my life. Visiting Portland and having many of these painful memories come to the surface forced me to come to terms with situations I could never have consented to. These were situations that I had shamed myself for over the years. I had blamed myself and I held them under a vault and that vault had been shattered. Everything suddenly came into focus, why was I allowing myself to continue to judge myself? So now my present self is mourning for my younger self. I had been conditioned under rape culture so thoroughly that I had blamed myself for everything I experienced while in Portland. And this truth is so raw and new that all I can do is make sure to be gentle with myself. Now that the burning ball of flame has died down to a gentle flicker, am I able to let people know how much it hurts. This trip serves as a cautionary tale, confronting those memories is painful and if I didn’t have the support network I have I would have gotten caught in the past rather than have been able to build memories of snarky geekery in Powell’s Bookstore. If I hadn’t gone in with a plan, I wouldn’t have been able to spread joy and reclaim a part of myself that had been lost. I feel like I’ve found a piece of myself that I was missing and I am able to finally forgive myself for circumstances that were out of my control. A dream was lost and it wasn’t my fault. It was forcibly ripped from me and I didn’t have the tools needed to put the pieces back together. That isn’t my fault, it was never my fault. The thoughtless and cruel act of another lives on in me today. So I said goodbye to a city I once loved, I parted ways with it because those reminder of the past are painful. I came home and I continue to live. By living, by surviving, by learning who I am and embracing that part of myself, I win.
The second part of my story. I am sharing here because there was a great deal of Shadow Work that was done on this trip.
This is also a reminder that Shadow Work isn’t something to be undertaken lightly, you can easily re-traumatize yourself when you start going into those wounds. If you undertake this work, please make sure you have a good support network, my support network is what made this trip a success for me.
Also, if you need professional help, please seek it out. We all have our own journeys.














