Shadow Work 101

A blog dedicated to the practice of exploring your shadow self with the goal of integration.

[ravensblackrose]

Reclaiming a Dream

I’m a girl who likes to keep everything hidden. I grew up in an environment that no matter what was going on, the only thing the outer world would see would be perfection. This mission statement got carried into my abusive marriage because he didn’t want me to talk to people about “our stuff.” So no one ever heard about the abuse. Now my heart has been pulled out, sliced, and trampled on so many times that I hide myself from those I hold dear. I’ve found ways to express myself. On the Internet, where it doesn’t feel like I am exposing myself to more than a bright screen. Slowly that has expanded to a handful of friends I’ve learned how to be vulnerable with. Everyone else gets the flash. They get the smile and the humor, because laughter is a coping mechanism for me. Our subconscious is a powerful thing and there are many things hidden there waiting to come to the surface. When I went back to a place that holds so many painful memories, I was forced to relive some of those memories. This is the thing about embarking on Shadow Work, some of those truths are painful. I went to Portland knowing that there was a good chance I would be triggered and I took steps to minimize the impact it would have on me. I surrounded myself with people I trusted, I had plans for if I was triggered, but I still had to deal with memories and flashbacks that came to the forefront of my mind. Even now, 3 weeks later, the flashbacks are seared into my memory of the trip. It took me a long time to learn what constitutes true consent and it never occurred to me to think back to different parts of my life. Visiting Portland and having many of these painful memories come to the surface forced me to come to terms with situations I could never have consented to. These were situations that I had shamed myself for over the years. I had blamed myself and I held them under a vault and that vault had been shattered. Everything suddenly came into focus, why was I allowing myself to continue to judge myself?   So now my present self is mourning for my younger self. I had been conditioned under rape culture so thoroughly that I had blamed myself for everything I experienced while in Portland. And this truth is so raw and new that all I can do is make sure to be gentle with myself. Now that the burning ball of flame has died down to a gentle flicker, am I able to let people know how much it hurts. This trip serves as a cautionary tale, confronting those memories is painful and if I didn’t have the support network I have I would have gotten caught in the past rather than have been able to build memories of snarky geekery in Powell’s Bookstore. If I hadn’t gone in with a plan, I wouldn’t have been able to spread joy and reclaim a part of myself that had been lost. I feel like I’ve found a piece of myself that I was missing and I am able to finally forgive myself for circumstances that were out of my control. A dream was lost and it wasn’t my fault. It was forcibly ripped from me and I didn’t have the tools needed to put the pieces back together. That isn’t my fault, it was never my fault. The thoughtless and cruel act of another lives on in me today. So I said goodbye to a city I once loved, I parted ways with it because those reminder of the past are painful. I came home and I continue to live. By living, by surviving, by learning who I am and embracing that part of myself, I win.

[shadowwork101]

The second part of my story. I am sharing here because there was a great deal of Shadow Work that was done on this trip. 

This is also a reminder that Shadow Work isn’t something to be undertaken lightly, you can easily re-traumatize yourself when you start going into those wounds. If you undertake this work, please make sure you have a good support network, my support network is what made this trip a success for me. 

Also, if you need professional help, please seek it out. We all have our own journeys. 

[ravensblackrose]

Mourning the Loss of a Dream

It is ok to mourn the loss of a dream. I repeat, it is ok to mourn the loss of a dream. It is ok to let people know how much you lost by loosing your dream. You don’t need to write it off as no big deal. When you pursue something like a dream, you put your heart and soul into it. I say this because I lost a dream once, and I minimized the pain I went through because of that loss for years. I avoided it at all costs, made a joke of it, and recently realized how much the loss of that dream hurts.

My dream, to be an Opera Singer, was one that let me do all the things I loved. Sing, act, wear all sorts of cool costumes. I could even write and sing my own music if I wanted to. When one of my classmates violated my trust and took a part of me I didn’t consent to, the place I had gone to with so many hopes and dreams became a place that brought about panic and memories of things I wish had never happened.

I went to get help, but it took over 10 years to find out I was dealing with PTSD. The delay in proper care led to a tail spin I wasn’t able to control because I didn’t know what was going on. It didn’t take me long to walk away from the dream and focused on surviving. If I had known then I had PTSD, would I have been able to resurrect that dream before it completely slipped through my fingers? I’m not sure, but at least I could have been given the tools to try.

I’ve felt the need to go back to Portland for awhile, that there was some sort of work that needed to be done, but kept putting it off because I wanted to make sure I had a support network. At PantheaCon, the opportunity and the support network appeared. I had an opportunity to give myself a piece of my dream back on my birthday and I decided to take the opportunity.

As I had been avoiding the visit to Portland, I hadn’t thought about what I would actually be doing and I had less than a month to figure out what “it” was. So I got to work. I had to take time to examine the things that I experienced and how I reacted to them. I had to examine how I’ve been living my life within the context of that one event.  

It quickly became apparent to me that I never put the blame on dropping out of College where it belonged. On the man who raped me. I blamed myself, wrote if off as drinking too much or partying too hard. Even after getting told by a Mental Health professional I had PTSD, I didn’t take the time to grieve the loss of my dream or to forgive myself and put the blame where it belonged, on my rapist.

I also had an amazing realization; that spending time in front of my piano no longer gave me anxiety, it gave me peace. I found that all the hard work and practice to regain my gift was paying off.

Then I looked at the situation spiritually and I realized I had left more than a dream behind, I had left a friend. I had left a spirit I didn’t know I was working with.  She helped to inspire me through my music and pulled some spiritual strings so that I had the opportunities I needed to succeed. She was fed through my music and the pursuit of my dream.  When I walked away and cut myself off to preserve myself, I left her behind, anchored in Portland.  She’s been coming to visit, but keeps getting dragged back to her anchor.

I’ve been able to finally have conversations with her and to learn that she wants to come home with me. She’s been happy helping other students pursue their dreams, but now she wants to help me pursue something new, to be part of that musical inspiration again. Through the work I was able to define the goal of my trip, that I am going up to Portland to bring her home and forge a new contract with her. To see where our dreams to make music can take us.

Shadow Work is a journey, and it isn’t going to be the same for everyone. The spiritual work associated with healing will look different from person to person. My current journey is going to retrieve a friend I had not realized I had lost. Choosing my path and learning to work with spirits has opened my eyes to a part of my life I hadn’t been aware of. It has given me the skills I need to perform the magic to bring her home. This is also a reunion that has been 12 years in the making, a reminder that you don’t have to do everything at once.

Allowing myself to mourn the dream that I lost opened up doors to new healing. The simple realization that I was allowed to be upset with what happened opened the door to a gem that had been hiding in the dark. This process hasn’t been easy, and I wouldn’t have been able to do it without the support of the people in my life. Discussing my fears with a trusted friend helped me to realize what boundaries I needed and how to set up those boundaries. Being open about the anxiety I was feeling has given me an overwhelming amount of support and I would have scrapped the whole idea very quickly without the support I have been receiving. So for those who have supported me, I thank you.

[shadowwork101]

 I posted this on my personal blog because that is where I tell my story. I am cross-posting here to the Shadow Work 101 blog as this particular story is specific to Shadow Work.

[shadowwork101]

The Trouble With Healers

I went into this project with a grit and determination to learn how to approach our Shadow Selves in a way that was educated and informed. If I was going to do this work, I wanted to do it right. I wanted to get my head out of my ass so that I could find ways to actually help people, to make an actual difference. To remove my ego from the process, because at one point my ego drove the work I would do as a “healer”.

As a baby Pagan, I jumped into the deep end of spiritual healers who lacked an understanding of trauma and how to deal with it. I saw people who never took the time to understand even the basics of Psychology touted their ability to be the only person who was able to get through to an addict. I was on the receiving end of ridicule and emotional abuse because someone decided they knew what was best for me. Then there was the time I was told my energetic field would hold irreparable damage because of the actions of another. When I felt broken, I was told there was no way to put myself back together. Do I need to mention the time I was told I had burned through a years worth of healing energy in a matter of months? I was told that because of my actions, I had derailed this person’s plan to chain me to their spiritual cluster. A tethering I had not consented to.

In the times that I wore the badge of healer, I would tell someone who needed to talk all the things they had to do so that they could get their life back on track. I took what had been aimlessly spouted off at me and I basically shouted it at anyone who would listen. Any time someone came to me with a problem, I would give them unsolicited advice. I would then gloss over their struggles with my own, because if I could leave it in the past, so could they. There was a problem with this though, these actions were all to feed my ego. They had nothing to do with helping another human being and everything to do with feeding my own desire to be something more. I’m not sure when it happened, but at some point I realized I knew a whole lot of nothing and I no longer needed to feed my ego with my own grandstanding.

Working as an Auditor I’ve learned some very important lessons. One of those is that when things go unquestioned, they get done incorrectly indefinitely. I like asking questions, I like looking for the holes, it is part of what makes me a good Auditor. It is also part of why I ended up with a spiritual sword at my back pushing me to do this project; all of the healing practices that I had been taught and had encountered over the years needed to be audited, I needed to look for and fill those holes so that I could help myself become a better and more empathetic person.

We are a community of healers. Everyone has a specialty, everyone has a willingness and a need to help. I’ve seen people who excel at the practice do a tremendous amount of good. I have also seen the title used as a narcissistic badge of approval, where the person could do no wrong because they are a born and natural healer. In the instances where the person wore the title as a narcissistic badge of approval, I’ve seen entire communities crumble.

The trouble with healers is that the term implies another person can come in and fix you. While a healer with years of training can come in and perform miracles for physical ailments, a spiritual healer is never going to be able to put the emotional pieces back together for you. You have to take the tools you are given and you have to implement them. No one is going to be able to face your Shadow aspects but you. You are the one that has to confront those fears and insecurities. You are the one that has to make reparations for any harm you’ve caused. You are the one that has to live with your inner demons. When dealing with trauma, you are the one that has to keep living despite the inner torment you feel.

I am giving up the badge of healer, because when I focus on fixing everyone that crosses my path I forget about myself. Instead, I call myself friend. I am a supportive friend who is willing to listen and share tools when asked. Instead of holding the belief that I am the one doing the healing, I know that I am just on of many catalysts to help people find their own healing. I act as a cheerleader while my friends write their own success stories.

Do you claim the badge of healer? If you do, when someone comes to you for help, do you sit and listen to their needs or do you ignore their needs while you hit them over the head with your flower power wand? If you are going to claim the title of healer, realize the power you hold in your hand. Educate yourself on trauma and how to actually hold space for a person. Ask what you can do to support a person instead of dictate what a person needs to do to heal. Realize that consent is vital. And most importantly, when you claim the badge of healer, it no longer becomes about you.

[shadowwork101]

Pracatical Application ~ Transformation

Have you ever started reading into “signs and portents” during times of distress that could be translated into some sort of “transformation” symbol? In my experience, these symbols will start to suddenly cross your path during a pivotal time in your life. If you are like me, you probably looked at those signs and went “what the fuck am I supposed to become?”

As a Tarot reader, I often have people come to me for guidance when life becomes a bit confusing. One of the most feared cards is The Tower because people see it as a disruption. The Tower shows up when there is an awakening, a revelation, or in many cases the very foundation of something we believe in will be shattered. To transform, we often have to challenge those beliefs so that we can become a better person. Which is a scary process.

What if we could take the idea of transformation and input it in our life with a purpose instead of wildly grabbing for whatever came our way? Would you be able to forge your way with a purpose, rather than just taking the steps to blindly walk through our life?

So how do we go about taking the steps to take ownership of our transformation process? First, we have to look at who we are. Second, we have to look at who we want to be. Third, we have to figure out what we need to do to become the person that we want to be.

Looking at Who We Are

To look at who we are, there are multiple paths you can take. You can journal, make an inventory of your life. You can meditate, take the time to go into a meditative trance and speak to your Shadow Self. Ask yourself questions. Please note that it can be dangerous to spend too much time Journeying. There are multiple sources available for Journey techniques, please use them and Journey responsibly. I highly recommend Lora O’Brien’s work.

Take a hard look at everything, especially those parts of yourself you wish to avoid. Those parts that we look to avoid are parts of our Shadow Self. For this process to work, we have to embrace those parts, accept any damage you’ve done, and make amends. We are unable to become a better and different person if we are unwilling to acknowledge those darker parts of ourself.

How do you react to certain situations? What did you find when you go to the root of a situation? This process can be ongoing, as you may find an aspect you want to change about yourself and focus on that for awhile before choosing something else to work on. Remember, Shadow Work is a lifetime process because we always have things buried within ourselves.

Looking at Who You Want to Be

Is there someone you admire? What do you admire about them? This can give you a good clue about where you want to work towards being. Do you have dreams that have been sitting on the back burner? Have you made an inspiration board? Allow yourself to dream, if you had no obstacles in your way, who would you be? What would you do? Choose one to work on, as time goes on you can add more to your list.

Becoming Our New Selves

Have you figured out where you want to go? Good. Now comes the work, pick one small thing that you can do tomorrow to work towards that new goal. It can be something small, something that will only take 5 minutes. Major change doesn’t happen in a day.

If you want to be more creative, pick up the tool that allows you to create. The more you create, the easier it becomes. If you want to become a more physically fit person, you start small, but you start moving. If you want to become a more compassionate person, start with random acts of kindness.

If you falter, just start again the next day. We are not looking for perfection, we are looking for transformation.

[shadowwork101]

Practical Application - Getting to the Root

Have you ever had a conversation with a curious kid? One where they constantly ask why? To be on the other side of that conversation where you have to explain the inner workings of the world in a way a 6 year old can understand can be a bit nerve wracking. Perhaps you were that kid that kept asking questions. We have a lot to learn from these curious minds that never stop asking why.

“Emotions are instinctive, involuntary reactions that upset the rational order of their elementary outbursts. Emotions are not ‘made’ or willfully produced in and by consciousness. Instead they appear suddenly, leaping up from an unconscious region.” ~Carl Jung

When we have an emotion, it is our subconscious leaping up and saying “Hey, you! Yeah, you! Look at this thing!It means something!” Depending on the emotion, it may be obvious, or it may be a mystery. So how do we get to the point of understanding what is really going on? We ask why.

Why am I feeling this way? What is going on in my life that is making me feel this way? So we discover the thing that triggers our emotions, but do we know why the thing triggered our emotions? If you ask yourself and reflect, I’m pretty sure you will figure it out. Was it something a person did that hurt us now? Or was it something that reminded us of a time gone past? Is there a pattern of behavior that is making the emotion more intense? Keep asking yourself questions, you’ll know when to stop. That “aha” moment will come and it will make sense.

This process allows us to get to the root. Sometimes just the knowing will help us find some peace, sometimes it won’t. Sometimes we have control over how we can react or take actions to better ourselves, sometimes we don’t. By getting to the root we are allowing ourselves to dig up the weeds in our garden. If we half ass our gardening and leave the roots of the weed, they grow back.

Often times, you may uncover multiple roots, this is normal, there are often many sections of a root for a single plant. We didn’t get to a place where the monster grew in a day. It took time, there was more than one thing that helped it to germinate past a possibility. Once we get to the root, we can start to take action.

[shadowwork101]

What is Shadow Work?

This post is the start of a blog series that I will be doing on Shadow Work. It is an introduction to my journey and will lead into a series of posts that talk about ways you can start on your own journey. It is my effort to get more information out there about a hard to find subject. Please keep in mind that this work is not something to start doing on a whim. It is delving into the parts of yourself you may avoid. Also, this work is not a replacement for Professional Mental Health treatment. I am not a Mental Health professional, I am sharing my experiences for informational purposes only and it is not a substitute for professional help.

When I first encountered the term “Shadow Work” I was drawn like a moth to flame. I wanted to know more but I wasn’t able to find a whole lot of information. It wasn’t something that was readily available. I was able to find some general information about Carl Jung’s theory of the Shadow and our subconscious, but it still felt like I was grasping at darkness for something that I didn’t fully understand.

So I started delving into myself. Around this time I had also started building my relationship with the Morrigan. Many consider Her a dark Goddess, but I found her to be the light guiding my way out of the darkness that I found myself in. Yes, She is blunt. Yes, She can be brutal, but She lives in a place where we confront the parts of ourself that we would rather not admit are there. She has to be fierce. She has to be bold, because She is unwavering in Her protection of Sovereignty. She is also the driving force behind me, pushing me to share what I have learned.

In this journey, one of first things I found within my Shadow Self was that I wouldn’t allow myself to feel anger. I always made excuses for the other person’s actions and dismissed the anger I should have felt. There was a fear of hurting another the way that I had been hurt that caused me to close off that part of myself. The thing is, anger is an emotion that every person has. It is often used without thought and people often hurt others with it. However, it can also be used to help others. You can use the anger you feel to constructively fuel change. Once I realized this I was able to integrate that part of myself that I had pushed aside and now I get angry. I use that anger to fuel the motivation I need to find ways for change, to speak up for others, to feel empathy for another. I was able to realize that an important part of Shadow Work is learning how to turn our destructive behaviors into something constructive. We all have the capability within ourselves to create or destroy. To turn a blind eye to the parts of ourselves that are destructive is to turn a blind eye to the destruction we will all inevitably cause at some point in our lives.

Throughout history, religions, and the multitude cultures that area available in our world, we see different ways that we can ignore, integrate, or correct those unwanted aspects. We can either choose to face the fact that we are human and that not one of us is perfect, or we can live in ignorance. If we choose to live in ignorance we need to accept the fact that we may be unknowingly causing harm, whether it be harm to ourselves or harm to another. Ignorance also breeds hate, because there is a natural fear of the unknown. How do we fight ignorance? With knowledge. Knowledge gives us the ability to look past our glass house expectations to begin to understand what we don’t know. These are all things that I have spent time researching in my quest to understand Shadow.

So what is Shadow Work? Through my studies and the work I have found it is taking a hard look at ourselves and getting to the root of why we are who we are. It is taking responsibility for your actions. It is about gaining the knowledge you need to make the best decision. It is brutal honesty when we look at ourselves in the mirror. It is doing the things we don’t want to do, the things that lay the foundation of our day to day life. It is a part of you, it is a part of me. Our Shadow is complicated, beautiful, and scary. It is the rambunctious child looking for attention. It is the pile of paperwork we have been avoiding. It is the secrets we keep from the rest of the world. It is all of these things and more, because it is part of who we are and we are all beautiful and unique.