🎣 A shallow seeker sinks horizontally, exhibiting a natural kicking action to attract a variety of fish.🐟 ME: Chaotic SPN/SPNwin meta writer who’s been sharing my thoughts since 2023. I'm a little contrary (in good fun), and I enjoy in-world meta shenanigans. STUFF:👬 pro-DeanCas (I have eyes) // 🤩 Mary stan //⭐ Jack stan // 🕮 Sam / Donatello / Metatron-coded
I'm Shal. I watched SPN off and on as a teen, but I didn’t join Tumblr or the fandom until late 2022, when I was bedridden due to a heart condition.
That’s when I started reading fics like american oracle by @handsliketruth & @whiskeyjuniper, The Black Dog Ache by @winchester-reload, and Redux by @valleydean... and I was hooked. Ficlets, meta, shitposts, the whole nine. (I'm still obsessed with all of these stories, if you care.)
⭐ Shal's fave re-readable Dean-Cas fics ⭐
(I need to update this so badly, but you folks keep poking me.)
Anyway, I also have my bookmarks but they are forever a mess, and I keep my macaroni trash comfort porn in there, so read at your own risk.
Anyway, I'm happy to say that my heart condition is much more stable now, and I’m no longer bedridden, but I’m still on Tumblr and still having an amazing time!
ao3 @ shallowseeker
blue.sky @ shallowseeker
pillowfort @ shallowseeker
pinterest @ shallowseeker
dreamwidth @ shallowseeker
discord @ shallowseeker
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TAGGING / WARNINGS
I’m not anti-anything, but I have a real soft spot for imperfect characters. If they come across as too polished or boring, I love digging into their flaws and exploring their Achilles' heels. (For example, I’ve paralleled Lisa Braden’s struggle with understanding grief against Jody Mills’s deeper, lived understanding of it.)
Anything I think could be challenging or a bit of a downer, I tag with #complex at the beginning—#complex john, #complex sam, #complex dean, and so on.
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META
The meta-organization will go here... eventually. (I'm working on a #shal spn rewatch.)
Over the past couple of years, I’ve written a lot of opinions, some of which people still request. My meta tends to focus on later SPN seasons, with deep dives into Jack Kline—aiming to add variety to the ecosystem by highlighting the real, complicated Jack over the "fanon (toddler) stereotype."
A few people have called me TFW-positive, and I genuinely love Team Free Will, even when I'm mentally wringing their necks. My core focus is on Sam, Dean, Castiel, Jack, Mary, and Rowena/the MacLeod family.
Side Goals: @spnwin-reader @wheretheloveisstored
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FICS
I post my fics on Ao3 under shallowseeker, and the new Tumblr page for them is here. (I post a lot of rapid-fire ficlets and ideas in my Tumblr posts, too.)
I write to improve my cognitive dysfunction, and I’m fascinated by religion and natural phenomena (avalanches, sinkholes, etc). My writing style has been described as chaotic, random, and weird—"like one long manic episode."
PSA: My meta thoughts = / = my fic. Sometimes fic is just me goofing off, or horny drivel, or melt-in-your-mouth cotton candy. Don't expect that My Thoughts (TM) will align with it. I reserve the right to be lame and incomprehensible. TY~
= O N G O I N G =
For your crimes against the most high (5 of 14) = "Cas isn't real."
= C O M P L E T E D =
Proper adornment (1/1) = Cas gets obsessed with Dean + jewelry
The facts of life (and death) (1/?) = Chuck VS Symbiote
Blackout on the eastern seaboard (2/2) = Victory sex tango
Truth & despair (15/15) = Dean misremembers the confession
Mirror, mirror (1/1) = The empty peeks into the bunker
I will not be diminished (1/1) = Chuck VS Jack
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OTHER STUFF
👬 pro-DeanCas (I have eyes) // 🤩 Mary stan //⭐ Jack stan // 📚 Sam / Donatello / Metatron-coded (and was told by a friend: Kevin Tran-coded)
My username @shallowseeker is a type of fishing lure, so I thought a Dean and Jack fishing theme would fit perfectly this time around!
nephil meaning to fall, and sam sadly saying of (soulless jack) something to the effect of, “you were right all along / we fell for him”
which says something interesting about sam’s psychology. yes he starts from “we haven’t even tried to save him” but then he slides.
it’s not “we lost him” or “he’s gone”
but “you were right all along / he’s not who want him to be”
as if there hasn’t been a cataclysmic change in jack wrought by his goodness / self sacrifice. at least cas is acknowledging that sacrifice and consequence, and at least dean is also acknowledging the change
but sam reaches to almost… consolidate all of that and collapse it into one package
it’s so interesting
reminds me of chuck “you always cast a jaundiced eye” stuff despite the audience seeing firsthand how the mark eliminates free will thru disinhibition
anyway
sam is dissociating he’s traumatized
but his view of the situationbecomes a bit disingenuous
i think maybe PK has a post about somewhat retroactive-seeming his all-or-nothing thoughts can be abt his childhood (even though he didn’t seem to always feel that way)
seeming to almost… convert the memories of his past into doomed corruption, now colored by his new knowledge of his demon blood (and i think there’s one too about how he superimposes his demon blood stuff onto his s4 *choices*)
i do think you’re right that jack reveals how they feel about themselves because they lapse into the parental struggle of “extension of me”
sam starts in a reasonable place, taking responsibility for choosing to believe originally, and even for for byzantium’s resurrection events but then!!!! it’s like he lurches just a bit too far and starts flattening it into a doomed timeline
i do want to turn this in my head re: the civil war and cas’s own cannibalism
the s9 tragedy -> “i did what i had to do… i became [like the angels]. a barbarian.”
makes me think of his other wartime cannibalism, the one w the leviathans that we get so used to joking abt but sometimes forget is the first foray into it, eating eve’s babies (off-mirrored in the mol father-eating-children demon video in s8)
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there’s something too in s13, in how cas speaks to donatello about the offer of extreme power and “that way lies evil ends” (or something to that effect)
cas rejects soulless, corrupted donatello as a powerful companion
but… it’s interesting that he’s comfortable at least in some respects w the idea of co-ruling with a soulful half-human (jack)… (or at least, more charitably… raising jack to do a good job)
and even then, re: power, he’s still comfortable yielding -some- measure of heavy power, tripping over his own morals in the process -i’ll never do something like this to a human without their permission- and melting donny’s brains out
all this to say: i circle back around to cas knowing “that way lies evil”
and his genuinely recognizing that uncle donny is a lost cause (corrupted, soulless) and knowing choosing a “lesser” evil (torture, brain death) to protect his family
and yet
and yet
jack and power and the goodness of his humanity… humanity… humanity…
and jack loses it through what?
an act of cannibalism and leviathan-coded self consumption of his own soul (not “bibbing” per se buuuut)
and suddenly cas is tail-spinning not just bc jack fell but bc he’s not -actually- like soulless sam because (dumah words) he’s got his divine side
now he’s all (fallen) angel
barbarian, in cas’s legacy
something about how rotten fruit falls from the poisoned tree / whatever you do don’t become me
nephil meaning to fall, and sam sadly saying of (soulless jack) something to the effect of, “you were right all along / we fell for him”
which says something interesting about sam’s psychology. yes he starts from “we haven’t even tried to save him” but then he slides.
it’s not “we lost him” or “he’s gone”
but “you were right all along / he’s not who want him to be”
as if there hasn’t been a cataclysmic change in jack wrought by his goodness / self sacrifice. at least cas is acknowledging that sacrifice and consequence, and at least dean is also acknowledging the change
but sam reaches to almost… consolidate all of that and collapse it into one package
it’s so interesting
reminds me of chuck “you always cast a jaundiced eye” stuff despite the audience seeing firsthand how the mark eliminates free will thru disinhibition
anyway
sam is dissociating he’s traumatized
but his view of the situation becomes a bit disingenuous
There is a wonderful post somewhere about Cas referring to not only his body as his body, but starting to identify his emotions in his body… season 9’s, “i think im gonna be sick” at the thought of suicide bombers in his name. man i wish i could find it…
When Dean breaks a chair in 14x18 Absence, it's that three-part play on the word absence again: (a) Castiel's absence from the partnership both emotionally [Empty deal] and in terms of decision-making/trust, (b) Jack's absence of soul, and (c) Mary's absence in death.
The cabin they're standing in is dilapidated. Broken down. The breaking of the chair symbolizes the symbolic breaking of the marriage. It's the dissolution of the happy family as essential parts of it die and the rest splinters apart.
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==When Cas is absent, this chair position is featured==
This is a chair position that has been associated with Cas before, when he died in 12x23 All Along the Watchtower-13x01 Lost and Found.
It's the head of the table. Cas's head is literally pointed at the empty chair in death. Dean's hands tenderly brush it as he walks past it.
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==Mended bonds: Cas rejoins the table==
After season 14's Absence, although we see Cas in the library and at the war table, we do not see him fully rejoin the kitchen table until 15x09 The Trap. Here he retakes this adjacent, head-of-table "partner" position again:
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==The kitchen table in day-to-day bunker life==
Images by TVTechGeek
[NOTE: Yes, before you say it--all of TFW sits here sometimes. Usually, they sit across from one another when they're eating dinner. And Dean, for example, took the helm position when Jack died.
But the kitchen seating arrangement with respect to Cas is still conspicuous here in seasons 14-15 for the ordered sequence I've noted. There is a symbolic relation to the empty chair and its association with Cas's previous absences. There's a weight to when and where Cas rejoins the table with respect to Dean-Cas as a unit.]
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==After Cas dies, the kitchen table features very little==
After 15x18 Despair, Cas is gone. Interestingly, after Cas leaves, although the kitchen itself is shown, even to illustrate the daily rhythms of the finale, the kitchen table is not shown again. The war table and the library are favored.
In the finale, Sam is shown cooking, and Dean is shown grabbing toast, and Dean is even shown doing dishes. That's it. The table does not feature.
(Most of the denouements take place in Sam's domain: the library.)
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==Empty chairs, pizza boxes, missing pizza man==
So, what else is conspicuous about Cas & chairs? Well, the empty black chair of the dungeon in 15x18 is certainly conspicuous, but the 15x20 finale, despite having no Cas, has a peculiar abundance of empty chairs and pizza boxes.
Six months after Castiel's death, the empty spaces in Dean's room are filled by pizza boxes. ("The missing pizza man.")
On entering Dean's room, we see our first empty chair, the one by the couch.
And an empty pizza box.
This position calls to mind Dean's prayer scene from season 8's Remember the Titans. In that prayer scene, Dean sits on the "Cas" side of the bed as he prays towards the Cas-shaped lamp (you know--the tall one--reminiscent of the one he dances with in The Heroes' Journey). As the prayer ends, Dean glances over his shoulder towards the empty chair and laments Cas's absence.
It seems that this chair position in particular is a chair Cas would favor, and it especially represents the early days of their domesticity in the bunker.
Another conspicuous thing is those shirts.
The couch features a plaid shirt, plus a camo shirt (and tan rag?) that is decidedly not Dean’s style. It hearkens to army fatigues. Is this another ghost of the soldier (Cas?)
The only other thing this could be is a callback to Mary and Jack re: AU earth, but it seems more like a symbol of Dean and Cas.
That the army shirt & tan fabric are draped near an old phone seems another nod to Cas, the absent soldier. Since Lucifer’s cruel trick, Dean has been waiting for Cas to call.
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And the second pizza box is simply...on Cas's side of the bed. Like a bedside table. This pizza box is inexplicable. One's weird, but two's a pattern. This pizza box is also in the frame with another empty chair.
Cas's side of the bed features the fan of domesticity, a Cas motif, as well as the tall Cas lamp. And now, we have another Cas motif: the pizza man.
@lemon--verbena Yeah, I agree. This is another area where I feel like The Winchesters is an excellent companion piece to the original series' run. In SPNwin 1x12 we get this haunting piece of dialogue that no doubt aims to contextualize the finale and help the viewer realize what they're looking at:
"I didn't know what to do... How to help him through his grief, you know? So instead, a day after the funeral, I took him to the carnival to try and cheer him up. It only made things worse. That's when I heard of the Legend of Limbo. If only I'd helped him through his grief instead of taking him to that damn carnival, he'd be here right now."
"Clarence used the carnival as an escape so his brother wouldn't have to face his problems."
I slept on the image of the bench... And I've decided it fits Cas's theme more than Mary's and Jack's. I think this symbolizes Cas and Dean on the loveseat, next to pizza, with the tan shirt/rag draped towards the phone and a wait-up beer, as a nod to Cas's not-phone call in 15x19.
The thought of Dean having a moment to grieve that cruel trick of Lucifer's kills me inside. The plaid shirt is hunched over in grief, like it's falling forward. It looks...sad. The other shirt (and on second glance maybe it's a pair of camo pants + a tan shirt?) is more neutrally positioned. The disarray of the shirt echoes how Cas's side of the bed remains...in disarray:
And going back to Dean's bed...the disheveled tan cover in 15x20 looks a lot like when Cas is ill in the hotel in 10x01. It’s draped so similarly, it'll drive you mad. Look:
You can imagine Dean curled up on the other side. Cas doesn't get cold, so Dean's the blanket hog. Cas is a "propped-up-on one-arm" type (above), and Dean is a "Imma-cuddle-up-on-your-chest" or "drape myself all over you" type (below).
The tan cover is certainly Cas-like. (Sam's bed covers are more anorak olive.) Dean's reminds me of the specter of the pillow and tan blanket in Dean's symbolic "closet" here.
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Empty spaces redux
In Peace of Mind, Cindy Smith screeches when Cas almost sits down in “her husband’s chair.” Then, she's in total denial about him being dead.
Dean, too, shows signs of some strange neuroticism with the pizza boxes.
Many chairs in Dean's room represent Cas’s “husband's chair/place” in regards to Dean. (Just like how in Absence, when Dean breaks the spousal chair, it’s heavy with context.)
In the finale, the most intimate spouse spaces of Dean's room, like the “keeping vigil chair” and the bedside table space on Cas's side, are filled with closed pizza boxes to prevent anyone else from sitting in them/filling those spaces.
The green loveseat is at once a representation of Dean and Cas as lovers, the soldier and the hunter, and it's simultaneously an echo of those family members Dean lost. (The plaid can represent a familial connection that is a Dean mirror, Mary. The fatigues can represent a familial connection that is a Cas mirror, the son-soldier who was lost at war, Jack.)
ok but when they would in in deancas 1.0, older dean is shocked to remember how flexible he was once upon a time, older cas is mortified by how easily overwhelmed his younger self is
when they hook up present day they are both internally trying to outdo their younger selves which leads to even more embarrassing shenanigans
I think Cal @soullessjack and I originally kicked around the idea of some kind of tricked-up, off-roader Jeep (a nod to Apocalypse world, Jurassic Park vibes)!
I know the fandom has this weird love for the idea of him driving a cutesy beetle, but I just can't see it. That kid is posturing to be cool half the time, and I think cars and weapons are one area he wants to look cool in.
Beetle? That's Harper's car via @spnscripthunt-inactive
Ahem.
These days, I think it's hilarious if Ketch gifts him his motorcycle, cause it'd make ALL the dads soooo jealous. Everyone pitches a fit, even when Jack is near-indesctructible/angeled up.
Something-something nod to Henry W's motorcycle, too:
Perhaps my most disagreed on opinion but one I 100% think I am right about is that soulless Jack killing Mary was not an accident. He did it on purpose. It was a decision he made in a moment of anger and panic while not thinking straight, but it wasn't an accident.
JACK: Mary. Nick… he was a bad person, a killer. I had to stop him.
MARY: Not like that.
JACK: He deserved it.
MARY: Take me home, Jack.
JACK: I-I will. I will. I-I just… Tell me it's okay.
MARY: It's not. You're not. You… It's not your fault, but the Jack I know would never have done that. You -- You're… Something's wrong.
JACK: No, I'm not. You're wrong.
MARY: Sweetheart. You know I'm not.
JACK: You know, Sam and Dean, they were grateful.
MARY: If Sam and Dean saw what you did, they would be as worried as I am.
JACK: Are you gonna tell them?
MARY: You need help, we'll help you. We're your family.
JACK: You can't.
Soulless Jack didn't want to believe there was anything wrong with him. He didn't want to believe it himself and he didn't want his family to think so. The fact that Mary disagreed with the manner in which he killed Nick made him nearly inconsolable, but then the fact that she talked about needing to tell Sam and Dean? Soulless Jack couldn't let that happen.
Soulless Jack refers to an "accident"—absolutely. But what he says next always disputes this? For example when talking to Rowena in 14.18:
JACK: I killed Mary. I-It was an accident. I-I didn't mean to. I just -- I just wanted her to be quiet. I just wanted her gone, but only for a second. And I just. I thought it. It all happened so fast. I need to undo it. You need to help me undo it.
"It was an accident" but then immediately after: "I just wanted her to be quiet. I just wanted her gone, but only for a second" and "It all happened so fast". Okay so yeah exactly what I said, except maybe I'm wrong! He could be saying he wanted her "gone" as in "to leave him alone for a few minutes while he sorted himself out" not dead, and then his powers exploded and he had no control over it. We could go with that. Except when talking to Sam and Dean next:
Jack: I know -- I know things have been bad. A-And, if it helps, I regret it. The accident.
Sam: The -- The accident?
Jack: What happened to Mary. She kept talking about my soul, t-that I didn't have a soul, and she kept pushing.
Dean: Oh, so she made you do it.
Jack: No, it -- it was me, but I didn't want this no-soul thing to become an issue between us. I guess I snapped. Before I knew it, it was all over.
Again, he refers to an accident. But then proceeds to say that "I didn't want this no-soul thing to become an issue between us." Because at the end of the day, that is why Soulless Jack wanted Mary dead in that instant. For that small moment in time, he wanted her gone because he thought it would be easier. Nobody would think he was out of control. No one would think he did anything wrong. No one would have to hear about Nick. Fandom perpetually puts the blame on Jack's powers, but the decision he makes here would be no different in my view if he was without powers and simply bashed her in the head with a hammer and then instantly felt regret. It was still, in that moment, what he wanted. It was not an accident. It was just a murder he instantly was filled with horror and regret about.
This does not mean Jack is some irredeemable villain in my eyes, especially given I don't personally believe the real Jack—the one with a soul—would ever have done this. Just like soulless Sam does a lot of things regular Sam would not do. But it was not an accident that soulless Jack did this.
I mean even with the "it was a complete accident" angle, Dean is perfectly justified in not being able to forgive Jack, is the thing. But for the love of god. What Jack says to Sam and Dean—to their faces—shortly after murdering their mom is, "I didn't want this no-soul thing to become an issue between us". That is his stated reasoning.
I hate the little Bucklemming in my heart that is stabbing me like, "HEY HEY HEY I KNOW -you're editing- BUT YOU COULD BE WRITING WHERE *EYE LUCIFER* AM FEATURED HEAVILY"
hey what if jack got Really mad at castiel using him as an excuse to stick around. it feels SIMILAR but not quite the same as sam using him to open up a portal. like legitimately i think jack would feel a bit gutted at the idea that someone who made him feel safe enough that he promised cas anything so he'd stick around, only cared about him (AT FIRST. I Can't Stress This Enough.) because it gave cas an excuse to stay on earth. the whole "jack made us a family but he's gone now"
Yeah, that’s one of the reasons I love this view that Cas’s initial reaction to Jack… was tangled up w/ his own identity crisis.
The fodder for potential family baggage is just… Nnnngh!!!!
(Aside// love the idea of this fight: that Jack himself wasn’t what made Cas stay: it was what Jack signified at the time.)
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Faith in the future:
In 12x19, it reads to me like Jack’s existence validated Castiel’s faith in something bigger than himself, which, after so much doubt/crisis/vulnerability, made him feel strong again.
To Cas, Jack became a symbol of the Future. But at his lowest point, instead of hoping for a better future, Cas clung to Jack as proof that everything was unfolding as it was meant to—as a symbol of Fate.
Looking positively towards the future ISN'T necessarily a bad thing, so long as it doesn't swing too far into positive nihilism, and like I’ve said before... hoping for Big Things(TM) from your child is a common metaphor for parental struggle.
But it does mean that in those early days, Castiel’s devotion to Jack was wrapped up in what Jack represented as much as who Jack actually was.
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Strong again:
And that vision of Cas’s in the 12x19 script—man. Cas doesn’t just see a world where Jack brings peace to the Winchesters. He sees himself transformed. Jack gives Sam freedom, gives Dean peace, and gives Cas a sense of power and purpose again. Cas is standing there shirtless and imposing, protective as an angel should be, while Dean is in extreme close-up, saying thank you.
Whether you interpret it as explicitly sexual or not, there’s an undeniable intimacy in how it's framed.
The through-line of Cas’s strength runs all the way from not being able to find the boys in prison (First Blood) to Ishim (Lily Sunder…) to Ramiel (Stuck in the Middle with You). He doesn’t want them to protect him. That’s anathema to Cas.
He wants a win for Dean… and for himself. This one of the few chunks of time that focuses not on what Cas does, but on how he is seen… and he’s seen by Dean. That’s significant to me.
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That pesky brainwashing:
And Jack’s brainwashing capacity, whether you think it was Jack’s subconscious or Chuck’s interference, adds even more stuff to why Cas was so immediately, fervently devoted.
I think that if Jack ever came to realize the truth of THAT, even partially, it would hurt like mofo, don’t you?
omfg he didn't really love me he doesn't really love me etc (Note/edit: It's implied here that Jack had no idea.)
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We do actually get a glimpse of Cas and Jack fighting in 14x02:
JACK: It wasn’t a risk.
CAS: To—to go out there alone? Jack, you have been on the radar of every angel and demon and power broker in creation since the day you were born and I’m sorry, but you’re not exactly yourself.
JACK: Weak and defenseless, you mean.
CAS (teeth gritting): I mean that the possibility of capture is real, yes.
It nice, because usually what we see is Cas being stern with Jack, and Jack listening silently, eyes downcast.
Respectful.
But here, when Cas berates him—Jack chafes, stepping up into Castiel’s space, eyes flashing.
Jack is frustrated by being viewed as “stupid."
So, Jack throws a barb: that he wanted to see his real family. The way he spits those words echoes Dean in 5x21—when he looks Bobby in the eye and says "You’re not my father."
If Jack REALLY wanted to hit Cas where it hurts, though:
CAS: You’ve been on the radar of every angel and demon and power broker since you were born!
All Jack REALLY has to do and turn around and say that maybe Cas was one of those power brokers.
This would be fertile ground for a fight that reveals too much: Jack charging Cas with being a power broker, and Cas accidentally revealing that acting to protect Jack wasn’t 100% of his own free will at first.
The devastation on Jack’s face is immediate, and Cas scrambles to reassure him—"It’s my choice now."
But the damage is done.
I think this could create a deep fracture in their relationship—one that’s not easily mended.
Now that I think about it, this might be a more realistic way for the Big Fight(TM) to begin between the two of them.
in god’s throne room, seraphim would cover their faces and feet (aka genitals) with their wings. therefore, when cas flashes his wings in 4x01, he’s flashing his trenchcoat too….if you get my meaning
