ShannonW @shannonw678 - Tumblr Blog

Anyone else having a shitty day?

Misery loves company. Come join my pitty party.

#pittyparty #fml #ugh fml #fml fml fml #fml forever #fmlr #infj problems #depression #depressionsucks

I don't know how I'm going to make it through this morning, or this day, or the rest of this week, or another year.

I feel so helpless and stuck. I feel worthless, ugly, and unlovable. It's really been bad from the beginning. I don't know why I never stopped it. You couldn't pay your own rent, so you moved in with me. You said you wanted to marry me so you bought me a ring with money that you should have given me for rent. I made you take the ring back. I made arrangements to go away for grad school and you followed me; I didn't want you to. I imagined hooking up with most of the other male students, believing they had to be better than what you offered. You repeatedly got laid off from all kinds of different jobs. Your proposal to me was awful; I still cringe (cry) thinking about it. Our wedding was pathetic. We moved back across country with $0 to our name so I could take a job because you couldn't keep one. You got restless and joined the army, which was one of the happiest times in our marriage. We were apart most of the time and I forced myself to have sex with you once a week because I felt it was my duty for all the "sacrifices" you made. But the army wasn't what you wanted so I got a different job, one that paid more since you didn't know what you wanted to do after the army wasn't the romantic job you'd hoped for. You opened your own "business" and as long as you were self sufficient, I didn't care. What a mistake that turned out to be. My inattention just let you rack up tens of thousands of dollars in debt, debt that I'm also responsible for because we're married. At the prime of my young career, I got pregnant, and my field work and travel came to an end. I was now the primary care giver of a baby and the sole bread winner for a family of 3 with a husband deeply in debt. No wonder I've had post-partum depression for 3 years. In a last ditch effort to save your "business" you decided to put our house up for sale and move us into a $50k RV. Only you were so busy doing everything for yourself that you didn't help me pack or get the house ready to sell while I still struggled to be the sole bread winner and primary provider for a toddler while fighting depression. So it took us 6 months to get the house on the market. In the meantime, we burned through any savings we might have had and hated each other after living in 400 square feet, all to put our house on the market in the middle of winter - the slowest house selling time of the year. Oh, and in the meantime, your awful business sense and immense ego and pride bought you even more debt and enemies of all kinds. Which has cost us dearly, in both emotional anguish and money. I'll spare the details here, but most days I feel genuinely fucked and hopeless. Now you have a job 2 hours away. Thankfully the income is better, but the mountain of debt still exists, there's a 3 year old giving the orders, and there has been 0 intimacy in at least 2 months. Tomorrow is our 10 year wedding anniversary and all I can do is look back with regret, sadness, and wonderment. What the fuck was I thinking? I feel trapped and hopeless. I'd leave but amazingly, you're actually a pretty good father, and I don't want to hurt my baby girl. I would leave in a heartbeat if it wasn't for her. What am I supposed to do? What am I fighting for? I don't see you fighting so why should I bother? I've gained weight with all the stress post-partum and I feel ugly, unworthy, and unlovable. Why bother?

Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than having your husband turn you down, especially when you haven't been intimate in 2 months. FML. Why am I still here?

There cannot be a benevolent god

The series of events that has occurred in my life over the last 6 months, as well as numerous other individual events throughout my life, can only lead me to one conclusion. There is no benevolent god looking out for me, or anyone else, on an individual event basis. There is just no way. The last 6 months of my life have been a nightmare. And before this, I was a faithful Christian. I prayed several times a day, attended a rigorous bible study, and professed my faith when needed and appropriate. But after my living nightmare, I renounce the existence of any Christian-like, all-powerful, caring being, that professed to control my life or care about my well being. I renounce god. There is no God.

#bornagainathiest #nogod #athiest #fml #renounced

Don't get married

I do not enjoy my marriage. I'm having a really hard time loving my husband lately. I'm trying but he makes it hard. I don't know how to get a divorce. I wouldn't want to do that to our daughter. He is a good father and she loves her daddy to pieces. I just wish he could be a good husband too.

I'm getting really tired of doing bedtime by myself. I might as well be a single parent. Only I don't even get the benefits of being single. I still have to pay for an asshole to eat and sleep in the same house.

#dontgetmarried #fml #singleparent

I've never chatted on Tumblr. How does it work?

How do I say, "yes, please be gone for the rest of the night." How can I tell you I wish you would stay out of town during the week? I was really looking forward to some alone time tonight. I wasn't sure what I'd do, maybe paint my nails, maybe get my Bible study work done, but now I get no alone time and all I want to do is crawl into bed and not wake up. At least not wake up as ling as you're here. You leave me alone most nights but it's not the same. I haven't had any good alone time since before Allison. You're my problem. You. I don't love you anymore. But I have to work so much harder than if you were a roommate, even though that's all it feels like. Though, that's not even true. Roommates pay for half of room and board. You've been mooching off me for 7 years. Fuck me. 7 years I've let this bullshit go on. What is wrong with me? Really, I'm the problem. And I've known this all along. I'm the problem. I never should have married you in the first place. I had the voice in my head all throughout that day telling me it was a mistake, that I should just run. But, without you, there would be no Allison. Was she worth it? I don't know. I'd like to say that all the pain has been worth it, but I'm not 100% sure. I know as a parent you say you'd lose an arm or a leg for your child, but what about the emotional pain. Would I want to relive all this? I don't know. I think I would. She's an amazing kid. But this has easily been the suckiest season of my life. 7 long years of long and sucky. Working at Leviathan was the best part, and I was away from you doing my own thing. I just want to get away from you.

DON'T GET MARRIED

Just don't do it. Spouses suck your soul out until you have nothing left and don't even know who you're supposed to be. They take everything you have to give until you just walk around like a wet noodle, just going through the motions of life, hating almost everything in it. But he's not actually abusive and you have no real good reason to get a divorce except that you just don't like him anymore. But isn't that what's wrong with society now, that we get divorced too easily? And it's against the bible, so we can't do it unless he actually hits you. So you're stuck in a loveless, soul-sucking marriage waiting for God to show you what to do. I'm waiting God, anxiously and hopefully.

I don't love you anymore. But I put on my good wife face and listened to your day and how you're not feeling good and how stressed you are. I had dinner ready when you got home and a happily playing and fed child ready to greet you. You ate and showered and said good night. You didn't bother to ask how my day was or even how our daughter's day was. You were just so wrapped up in yourself. Which is fine. I don't really have anything to tell you anyway. Just superficial stuff. The same things I'd say to the mail man. That's where we're at now. I provide for you, you contribute nominally to the family, take everything I'll give to you, and we make small talk. It's a good thing I'm a strong person who likes herself, for the most part. I don't like who I am with you or the situation I'm in with you, but deep down, I like myself. I'm just waiting. I know this isn't God's permanent plan for me. So I just continue to have hope and faith and enjoy wondering what the next chapter might look like. So, fuck you and good night.

What do you do when you wake up every day wishing you weren't married? Most of your day dreams are focused around if only you were single. It's hard to even be in the same room. I hate this life that I have settled for. And I hate him.

I really wish I could just walk away. Every day I wake up wishing I hadn't married you in the first place. I don't even remember what loving you feels like. For so long I've just repeated the words to keep the peace. I don't remember the last time I said "I love you," first. Because I don't. I don't love you anymore. How could I love someone so selfish? Someone who has put our family in such a shitty situation. I'll take the kid and my dog and my debt and you can have your stuff and your debt that you just can't seem to let go of.

And where is God? What sin am I being punished for? What great work am I being prepared for? I feel abandoned, God. Please show me a sign that you still love me. That you have my best interest in mind, despite all my suffering. Please, God, show me your mercy.

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ShannonW