New routine I’m working on for Stand Up comedy. Feedback is appreciated:
“Ok, so how many of you guys are nerds? And how many of you have heard of ‘fake nerd girls?’ For those of you who haven’t, there’s this idea that anywhere from 3 to 98% of nerdy girls out there are just pretending to be nerds for male attention. Because those are the people the super-hot girls are trying to attract—nerds. Oddly enough, the same people who complain about fake nerd girls are the ones complaining about hot girls refusing to date nerds because they’re too busy going after douchebags. It’s just paranoia, right?
Well, it isn’t, guys. I have a confession to make: I am a fake nerd girl.
And you know, it’s really hard to be one, too. There’s so much work involved. I suck at hand eye coordination, so I can’t play most video games, and I have ADHD, so I can’t follow most D&D rules. But I handle it well, I think. I watch “Let’s Plays” so that I know enough about video games to make it look like I play them, and I play fighters, since a cute nerd guy taught me how to do that in college, back when I could get away with not knowing what I’m talking about, and that’s basically just hitting things until they die. I’m just a surface nerd, really. I did adore Lord of the Rings growing up, but only the movies, and I watch Doctor Who, but only the revival.
I think one of the things that keeps me under the radar is that I’m just not hot. A friend of mine once told me I could work my way up to a seven if I lost 100lbs, but who wants to make that kind of effort? Not me. I like buttered popcorn while I’m pretending to watch Star Wars, thank you very much. I’m the kind of girl who pretends to be a nerd just enough to get into the friend zone, which is admittedly slightly better for girls than guys. If you’re a girl in the friend zone, it means you get to listen to guys complain about not getting the girls they really want while they’re banging you. Great stuff.
I think I’ll start a finishing school. Except, instead of learning to attract billionaires, women will learn to attract nerdy guys. There’ll be Anime:101, which you pass by watching Death Note but ace by watching Neon Genesis Evangelion (with bonus points if you can pronounce it, which I can’t). D&D 202, where you lose points if you admit to preferring 4th edition. Advanced Klutziness, where you learn that artfully bumping into shit is the only flaw you’re allowed to have. For your thesis, you can determine whether the Hobbit movie series was any better than the Star Wars prequels, and then discuss whether either series was better than Twilight. The instructors could be ‘fake nerd’ icons like Felicia Day and Jennifer Lawrence. David Tennant could be the commencement speaker and pretend he’d leave his wife for the valedictorian, who would then fall down the stairs with a practiced giggle and rueful expression, straight into the arms of a man dressed like Batman, holding an engagement ring modeled after the One Ring, and they’d live happily ever after with thirty-one cats and then something about the Millennium Falcon, which, like a true fake nerd girl, I have no idea what that even is.”
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