The Void

better off dead

[shecriesandcriesandcries]

When I die. Buy yourself flowers. Whatever kind is your favorite. Go out for a meal. Treat yourself kindly. I'd prefer if no one cried but I feel like that's inevitable.

Everyone deserves love. To be loved. To be cherished and cared for. Find the compassion for yourself that I am incapable of. That is all I ask.

I hope you forget me. Live a better life than I could ever imagine. I don't want to leave behind scars. I'm sorry. I wish I was stronger. Braver. What my loved ones deserved from me.

[shecriesandcriesandcries]

"Kale why don't you ask for help?"

"Kale if you are sad DM just people."

When I was 7 years old my mother had leukemia and had to start chemotherapy. My dad was always out of state working jobs and partying with other women. It was just the two of us. I remember one day around three where I hadn't eaten since yesterdays dinner I was really hungry and went to knock on my moms door to hear her screaming back at me. Telling me to leave her alone so she could sleep. Maybe 30 minutes or an hour later she came out and apologized.

The only time anyone would listen to what I had to say was when I was being helpful. When I had something to give them. Even now when I'm sad people don't want to be around me. It's always too much. It never gets better. The sun never comes out. 15 years. Hell my entire life.

[shecriesandcriesandcries]

A short story I wrote last week

A rock skipped five times across the water before being swallowed by the water. Juliet looked away as the brilliant sun gleamed off of the riverbed. It was already sunset. Ever since her grandmother passed away last fall, everything has felt different. They weren't exactly close, but they had gotten along better than everyone else in the family.

Her dad was a coke head who choked her when she was a baby. Her mother kicked her out at 18 and only calls to borrow money when behind on rent. The rest of the family might as well be strangers, not even sending birthday texts. Gma always made the effort to call once a month. Her voice was soft and kind.

Juliet skipped another rock. Rippling the stream. "This was supposed to be calming." she thought. Getting away from the city and embracing nature. An escape from what happened. Maybe there is no escape? She threw another rock that this time refused to skip and took a bite of her sandwich. She had packed an elegant picnic that she had barely touched outside the pb&j, maybe because it reminded her of a simpler time. She reached for the basket and the moment her hands made contact, her vision flashed white. As her vision cleared, she saw the basket broken, in the middle of the river. She screamed at the top of her lungs and grabbed a rock. Throwing it as hard as she could.

A violent sound of breaking drywall makes her recoil onto the ground. As she lifts her head out of her arms, she sees her apartment. It's not right though. Furniture is flipped over, her favorite lamp broken, and there is a hole in the wall. She barely stands back up as her entire body is convulsing. Dazed and confused she takes a step forward, when suddenly knock knock knock!!! Someone is banging on her door. This time she falls onto the ground, bruising her shoulder. She has to answer. She crawls on her stomach to the door and reaches for the doorknob. Using it to pull herself back up. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. She opens the door and he starts yelling.

Something is ringing. Juliet's vision is a blur, but the yelling has subsided. Her hands feel warm. Wait, why was she kneeling? And why was the floor moving? All of her questions were answered when she reached up and wiped her eyes and she saw herself on top of the man whose nose was shattered, drenched in blood. She looked around and saw all of their neighbors just staring at her. Fear coating their faces. A tear fell down her cheek and everything went black.

It was night. A cold breeze woke her out of the haze as she was back in the woods, still drenched in blood. She reached for her phone to call 911, and it was gone. Her head buzzed, and she could remember herself from the 3rd person throwing it into her wall. She grabs a pebble and tosses it. 7 skips, her new personal best. She takes one step into the water and hears her grandmother's voice. The water ripples.

[shecriesandcriesandcries]

Idk if I've talked about it here but when I was posting depressing things on my Instagram in 2015 my cousin actually saw and told the family. She didn't reach out to me. Nobody really made sure I was okay.

My dad called me and said "if you ever need anything I'm here" despite the fact that he was on the other side of the country and never actually here. Or my Mom started taking me for walks to afraid to ask if I actually wanted to kill myself. Looking for comfort. So I gave it to her. Talking about my ambitions that I would never achieve. Weaving a version of her son that made her feel less guilty.

There is nothing left of me. That is why I am alone. I'm broken. Something is wrong and as much as I've tried it never gets better.

[shecriesandcriesandcries]

It will probably be this summer. Maybe even in the coming weeks. I can't keep doing this. I can't.

I'll say how I lived, sad and alone.

[shecriesandcriesandcries]

Nothing matters

Nothing matters

Nothing matters

Nothing matters

Nothing matters

Nothing matters

Nothing matters

Nothing matters

Nothing matters

Nothing matters

Nothing matters

Nothing matters

Nothing matters

Nothing matters

Nothing matters

Nothing matters

Nothing happens

Nothing happens

Nothing happens

Kill yourself

Nothing happens

[shecriesandcriesandcries]

I hope the people I love find peace after I'm gone. They leave their shitty boyfriends, husbands, and find community. Find the perfect therapist. Live the happy and fulfilling lives that they deserve to have.

One day my body will be found floating down the river. Just know that I always loved you.

[shecriesandcriesandcries]

The desire to flush my pills and start just using he/him pronouns is not at zero today.

[shecriesandcriesandcries]

I don't really relate to Jax as a character because I was the people pleasing kind of traumatized but God her last lines are in fact a mood.

I'm a terrible person

Is that what you want me to say?

I already know I am

So why does anybody still care about me?

You aren't supposed to care!

You aren't supposed to miss me!

You aren't supposed to love me!!

This isn't how this is supposed to go

Please... Leave me alone

You're making this so much harder

*music beat*

youre making this so much harder

It's too late

I did this to myself

There is no coming back from this

I hate you

you know that?

You always have to go and complicate things

I don't want to go

[shecriesandcriesandcries]

Welp there are only 3 of you now:

A close friend who blocked me a year ago and I think just doesn't check tumblr?

One of my closest friends who I never message because I feel like I'm a burden. No idea of they see these posts but they did mention something the other week that has me 🤨 like maybe it does.

And some random porn blog. No idea who you are but I do find it hilarious that you are here

[shecriesandcriesandcries]

I hate always being right. I hate knowledge. I hate that when I end my suffering that I have to worry about other people's feelings.

I've spent my entire life caring about other people's feelings. About putting others first. My mother. My friends. My grandparents. Why am I not allowed to be selfish this one time? I promise it's better for everyone.

[shecriesandcriesandcries]

isolation will kill you

your soul will corrode

there will be nothing left to save

your heart beats out of sync

your words become nonsense

as those you love move on

find happiness

it was never you

something is different

something is wrong

maybe it was the lack of air in your lungs

the way you spoke

the beatings

the lack of trust

it doesn't matter now

when you die they will mourn what they wanted you to be

what could have been but never was

poetry escapes you and that's okay

peace comes with acceptance

isolation will kill you

but you weren't made to be loved

[shecriesandcriesandcries]

I'd be sad if I kill myself this month. Not because I died or because it's pride, but because I missed out on being a part of the 27 club. Not that I'm famous or anything but idk while 2026 is an ugly number I always fucked with 27 by itself.

Like I said yesterday, today? I died in 2020 but you know what I mean.

Does anyone want my steam account when I go? It doesn't have that many games but most of them are gems.

[shecriesandcriesandcries]

When I do it, I hope you're there. That I'll get to see you again. You won't but a girl can dream.

[shecriesandcriesandcries]

I died December 27th 2020. Stop clinging onto the dead.

[shecriesandcriesandcries]

You were never strong enough to save yourself. Only others.

Self portrait after 2 years of being faceless

[shecriesandcriesandcries]

Worthless