[ithelpstodream]

[theotheryongbok]

My man Jesus

[funnysowhatever2-deactivated201]

What story is that?

[ffermented-salmonella-deactivat]

Matthew 18:9

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

“And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away.”

[beachfox-deactivated20181218]

“Jesus, how can I avoid sin when all these hussies keep revealing the fact that they have bodies?!”

“Hmmm, tough call bro. Have you tried gouging out your eyes so you don’t have to see all those bodies anymore?”

“wut”

“What?”

“Shouldn’t you tell them to… stop dressing like that or something?”

“Don’t see why. It’s not their fault that the fact that they have bodies makes you a fucking sinful horndog. Gotta fix that problem yourself, buddy. Go on, blind yourself.”

“Uh….”

“Or learn to keep it in your g’damn pants no matter what they’re wearing.”

[dinosaurrainbowstarfish]

He goes on for like several examples too.

“How can I avoid like, an accidental slip of the hand when…they’re dressin like that?”

“Cut it off.”

“wut”

“Cut it off. Your hand. If it’s a problem, stop having a hand.”

“wut”

“What”

[corporationsarepeople]

“Did I fucking stutter?”

[jakemorph]

in this essay i won’t

[bisexualgambit]

Friends would have been better if Chandler and Joey ended up together. Like it’s Chandler and Joey, their lesbian neighbors Monica and Rachel, and their wacky friend Phoebe.

[gapingvirgo]

ross died of influenza

[taylortut]

The last comment is such a specific fucking sentiment I’m crying

[alexander]

Use y=mx+b to calculate the slope of the line you just crossed

[eli0tknight-deactivated20181203]

All our generation wants is a small apartment and a spouse that loves them back.

[lapilazulis]

[greelin]

“do you love the character or the person who plays them?”

yes

[l3earfat]

World Turtle Day 🌴🐢🌞🌊

[snorlaxatives]

@ the water that drips down my arms when i wash my face and makes a big ass mess: fuckin fight me

[beevean]

reasons I’m still on this hellsite:

1) nowhere else I could find posts this specifically relatable

[fullhouseforever87]

[beatlesneveroutofstyle]

When Paul was inducted into the Rock’n Roll Hall of Fame, Stella wore this shirt in support of her Dad. A few years later when Stella won an award for Fashion, Paul wore his :) 

[thegilly]

That just put such a smile on my face.

[geyashvecova]

Art G.Shvecova (Design graphics - Purple space_260118)

[gif87a-com]

[colachampagnedad]

[maniacardigan]

ideal fob setlist

the entire mania album 10 times

[stumpypositivity]

What a friggin mood,,

[castielfallenangelwinchester]

Mon Chéri: Who are you?

Eau de Réstistance: I’m you but stronger

[canadianstuck]

One of the funniest things I ever experienced was when I went to go see John Mulaney live, and halfway through a bit about how expensive college in the States is, he looked down at the sleeve of his suit jacket and just. stopped. dead halt, mid sentence.

And after like three seconds, where we’re all trying to figure out the punchline because the story clearly hadn’t ended, and John Mulaney quietly says, “Has there been tinfoil on my buttons the whole goddamn show?”

He’d taken his suit to the drycleaner, and they’d wrapped the buttons on the sleeves and the coat with tinfoil to protect them, and John Mulaney didn’t notice until half-way through his set, and was SO FLABBERGASTED that he never did finish the story about college and instead did five minutes on how stupid it was that his buttons were reflecting the light and he just didn’t notice, and in that moment I understood more about John Mulaney as a person than I ever have.

[ournameisfun]

during one of his portland shows, he noticed this like 7 year old girl in the front row and asked her (and her parents) if she ‘is aware that she is physically here right now’ or if she was just brought along. turns out her favorite john mulaney bit is the “and I’m new in town” bit and that she’s seen all his stuff. He was so shocked and discomforted by the fact a SEVEN YEAR OLD has seen his shows, that he couldn’t get through a bit about donating to charity without interrupting himself at least three times to import good life lessons on this small child, as if that makes up for all the horrible things he’s said that she heard

[sammysausage]

When I saw him in Ft. Lauderdale, there was a bar in the lobby that people kept leaving to go to. At one point, a guy in the front row just got up and BOOKED IT to get drinks. John Mulaney looked over at a woman who was next to the empty seat and asked, “Are you with him? What’s his name?”

She was, in fact, with him, and she did tell him her date’s name. John Mulaney considered this, looked around, and unplugged his microphone. Leaning in to us, he told us that we were going to trick this guy so fuckin hard. He said, “At some point during the show, I am going to stop and say, ‘Well, you guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale,’ and then you guys are all going to scream back ‘WE LOVE MILKSHAKES!’ He’ll be so confused.”

He then continued on with the show as normal, the drinks guy returned to his seat, and that was that for quite a long time. We thought he had forgotten about it until, at some point during what I believe was his McDonald’s drive-thru bit, he shrugged his shoulders and said, “You guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale…”

Naturally, we erupted with “WE LOVE MILKSHAKES” and John Mulaney SWUNG around to face the drinks guy and said, “I bet you’re real confused now, huh, JASON?!”

[chulalachannel]