Positive Thinking Won't Keep Ships From Sinking

[lmaonade]

brain: do you have your wallet?

me: *slaps my ass so hard everyone in the target can hear it*

me: yeah

[oncelerfucker69-deactivated2019]

I literally can’t figure out what this means.

[kittenfossils]

i didn’t even know this could help me. i’m going to shoot the autoimmune disorder out of me

[leecario]

Doctor: you have the flu

Me cocking my gun: like hell I do

[humansoflatecapitalism]

[grillmasterxbbq]

this is such a bad product. you might have temporary control over your tot but youre just going to make it stronger. whats worse than an uncontrollable baby? an uncontrollable baby who has never missed leg day and could kill you with one kick

[lulz-time]

When I look through my friends list on facebook

I’m just like:

[shelbs9510]

my requirements for sleeping at night: is the pillow cool enough? are my legs positioned so they don't put too much weight on each other? are my arms tucked in nicely and not at odd angles? can I stop thinking about the day's events? is enough of my body out from under the blanket that I won't overheat? are my toes safely tucked in to hide them from monsters?

my requirements for sleeping in the morning: is the surface vaguely horizontal and not made entirely out of hornets

[softlenaluthor]

[ilovepeppers-deactivated2019122]

How does this constitute as a tip

[grammery]

Kylie’s tips on a water bottle: unscrew cap and tip into mouth, letting the fluid enter your throat, then

[omgchomps]

[emoclownie-deactivated20180817]

[bai-xue]

Someone buy this man a beer

[slimetony]

are they just advertising asthma

[big-wicke-energy]

[gimmethebeachboys]

[thenatsdorf]

[refinery29]

These are all the best “See you in court” memes Twitter gave us after Donald Trump said another dumb thing

The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals’ unanimous decision to uphold the stay on Donald Trump’s Muslim ban met with a giant internet reaction. Naturally, our President wanted to weigh in. His tweet included a phrase many found amusing. (See More)

[runcibility]

THAT LAST ONE

[no-chill-at-all]

[alwaysshoutyinphiladelphia]