Actually Screaming Into The Void

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Well this is fun! Here I am, almost 2 am. Visiting my parents for the week, and I’ve just discovered I have no toothbrush at my dads house. Have searched the whole building, and while I’ve found many loose(?) unpackaged(?) toothbrushes in junk drawers (why?), not a single new toothbrush to be found. As per my last post, romance is temporary, friendship is forever, but sometimes you care anyway for two years and counting. Do you think by year three of repeating this mantra, I’ll have finally internalized it? Not likely. More at 7. I guess the yearner in me is just too strong!

Number one thing I learned this year: how to have boundaries. Pretty novel concept for me, it turned out. Somehow, it was revolutionary to let myself say “no, not today” and know I was allowed. And here I was, lauding myself for being emotionally mature.

Also big: when there’s an awkward silence, an awkward moment, etc, it’s just as much on the other person to say something as it is on me. REVOLUTIONARY! You mean it’s not all on my shoulders to make sure everyone is entertained and happy and having fun? You mean an awkward silence is no more my failure than it is anyone else’s?

More than anything, I’ve learned that you should always pack a toothbrush. Even if you’re going home. Even if you’re sleeping in a house you’ve slept in since you were about 5 years old. Even if the poster from when you saw the nutcracker as an elementary schooler is still on the wall of the room you’re staying in. PACK A TOOTHBRUSH! Or at least check that you have one before everyone else goes to sleep. Goddamn.

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Okay maybe I am delusional

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LETS STOP WITH THE TUNNEL VISION!! ROMANCE IS TEMPORARY FRIENDSHIP IS FOREVER!!!!

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ALSO ROMANCE IS NOT! HAPPENING!! DELUSIONS ARE TEMPORARY FRIENDSHIP IS FOREVER!!!!!!!

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LETS STOP WITH THE TUNNEL VISION!! ROMANCE IS TEMPORARY FRIENDSHIP IS FOREVER!!!!

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I know I sometimes let my feelings get the better of me. Working on that.

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Feeling a little scared that I have latched on too soon and too intensely onto a group of new people in my life. They seem to like me too, but I’ve realized I have kind of codependent habits when it comes to friendship. I don’t want to ruin these new cool relationships by being all in too quickly, or becoming weird and clingy, or just expecting things from people that they’re not able and not willing (and rightfully so) to give. I feel a lot more emotionally self aware, so maybe that will help, but also I just. Am so on my own for the first time. I’ve thrown myself in hard with this group of people I don’t even really know, as much as it feels like we’re already close friends. They’re the only people I have right now and that’s kind of special but also dangerous territory in another kind of way. I don’t want to screw it up, but I also don’t want my whole identity to become emulsified with hanging out with people who are, in actuality, strangers. They’re nice, though, really freaking nice, and I feel so lucky to have met them. I hope, in fact I think I KNOW, that it will all work out, and I’m not really as freaked out as this post implies. I just think maybe I need to remind myself more often to be a little bit more cautious with my feelings.

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Honestly sometimes I get hung up on how no one sees these posts but honestly I made this account sort of just to be like, a personal diary of sorts. *cough screaming into the void cough* No one but me is going to read this, most likely. Which is exactly the point. Hi future me! How’s Marya and Beckett take 2 going?? Did you finish that fanfiction about Gracie? Are you still in Colorguard? (You still have that weird suedo-crush on *that kid*? No? Hallelujah go you I guess.) do you still dance? What’s your favorite book at the moment? (How’s KOTLC going? Does it still make you cry?)

Basically: I made this for me (which is you!)

It’s nice to know I can say whatever and no one but I will care!!

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It’s been years and reading these old posts still make me giggle. I’m sure years-from-this-present-moment me would like the same loving-cringe moments one day, so maybe I’ll pick this back up a bit. Give myself some ammo. Hi future me!

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Everything is a little scary all of the time

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Hi world! Not-so-baby queer here. I’ve been out for almost 5 years now (if my math is right) and I’m really interested in actually learning some queer history that’s not just. You know. Internet brain rot.

Give me some recs on where to start!! I’m talking authors, topics, Dewey decimal system numbers, anything!! The good, the bad, and the messy. Preferably not internet resources, but really anything goes.

Thanks so much to everyone!!

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Okay actually How does anyone who isn’t rich afford out-of-state tuition. I just wanna know. 

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Hey adults of tumblr.

Hypothetically let’s say (and by that I mean not hypothetically at all, let’s say) that I have not disclosed my age or my status as a minor on my two other blogs. And let’s say that on my fanfic blog, I have made an internet acquaintance(?) of sorts. Shared no personal details, not even my name, but I guess we’re writing a fanfic together now? It’s very pg, the fic. But like. Once again. While I am striving for basically utmost anonymity, and therefore this is hardly more than a dialogue and a shared document on an email I made up that I’ve never used for anything before and has nothing personal attached to it, I’ve not made it clear I’m a minor. Should I? I’m basically certain this person is an adult, btw. I don’t feel unsafe or anything, I just feel like maybe I’m being? Disingenuous? I’m not sure. Help!!

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It’s weird how I am literally a child and I saw a post about women feeling pressured by their families to have children and I related hardcore

Like wow feeling patronized by people when you tell them the idea of having kids is unappealing to you?? A universal experience it seems.

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Living in a city where most of the spaces I’m in are predominantly white has made me unaware of what it’s like to be in spaces full of people who are not white? But sometimes I will realize that I am the only person of color in a group and it’s not. The greatest feeling.

People talk about how like sometimes you have to be in POC spaces because being around white people all the time is exhausting. I have no idea what person I am when I’m not in white majority groups/areas.

And sometimes I feel like? Wrong? For wanting to find a space with other Indian (as in the country in South Asia) people. I’m light skinned (biracial), I’ve not faced harassment for my ethnicity, I’ve faced racism on a very small scale and only briefly. I don’t know if I have the right to ask for these spaces? But I also feel such a deep sense of grief when I think about all the things I don’t know about my own heritage. I’m half Indian and my grandparents assimilated hardcore when they migrated here. My father knows nothing about India. It brings me so much pain and like... heartache?

I’m just. I have a very complicated relationship with my identity.

Am I “too white” to ask for access to spaces for POC? Or does my fear of that come from like... personal feelings that aren’t real and it is okay to want that???

Idk! Who knows! Not me! And it doesn’t help that the only not-white role models I have in my life are... my dad and aunt. I live in like the capitol of white liberalism.

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Currently having my weekly freak out that I might be secretly straight and doing it for attention

Which I mean

Haha we love to see it 😬😙

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Maybe the reason so many people* like the unrequited-love-type troupe where someone/many people fall in love with the main character (who you project onto) and the main character is oblivious to it, is because it allows you to not have to do the work of accepting that you’re deserving of love while still being the object of devoted affection anyway.

*me

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Holy SHIT I have so much baggage around being biracial like *something something* feeling like I’m invalid *something something* growing up around primarily white people *something something* being raised in part by a white person who doesn’t and probably won’t ever understand the things I feel *something something* feeling cut off from my heritage etc etc

I feel so much sadness about it? And I feel like my grandparents coming to America and basically trying to assimilate to American culture while not teacher my dad and aunt about our culture is like truly a tragedy. I want to connect with my heritage but I don’t know where to start, and it feels like my disconnect and ignorance of my culture automatically invalidates my identity.

And like finding community with other Indian people would be great but I literally don’t know how I would go about doing that.

And there’s so much more!! It’s just a fun rabbit hole of “I feel insecure/invalid in my identity in this new unique way!! So many flavors to choose from!!” I could write a whole fucking book on all the different nuanced ways this effects me. Or like. A series.

And I don’t feel like I can talk about it?? I feel like my problems are stupid compared to the things other people are going through. I’m so lucky!! I have so much privilidge! Maybe not from being white, but from having white family, and growing up in a very rich area, plus I’m light skinned...

I just... I have a lot of stuff. I have a lot of feelings man.

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I had a crisis because I’m like shit I might honest to god be a lesbian because the idea of a guy wanted to date me is kind of bleh and I cannot see myself marrying a guy but then I remembered Timothe Chalamet in Little Women and boys wearing earrings so like I like some guys but I just have a Very Specific Type