what youre afraid to write

[shes-rewilding-blog]

riddled with doubts

why does it feel like everybody who is anybody just ~knew~ certain things about their life. they just ~knew~ they were going to move to a place, or be with a person, or do a certain thing. and they were sure of it, never a doubt popping up in their mind.

i dont have that luxury, really. i wish i just knew i wanted to move to hawaii. ok writing that out did make me feel like DUH you want to move to hawaii. but do you want to move to puna? ghetto puna? if i could move anywhere it would be maui, but we just. cant. afford it. (right now)

its scary, mostly on johns end. i am positive i could be happy in hawaii. and move islands as time goes on if i felt called. but john i am not so sure about. all he wants to do is ride his dirtbike and we arent sure theres any riding there. i dont want us to move and him to resent me, or him to be miserable and make me feel miserable. i dont want our marriage to end either, ideally.

i always said I wouldnt end up here. this isnt where i am going to raise my children. i feel like i always knew that deep down. so an even bigger fear is that i am convinced to not move to hawaii. i am convinced to move to auburn or somewhere else sort of up a mountain. and i am still freezing, hungry and alone. freezing because it doesnt get warm up in a mountain, hungry because fruit and vegetables dont grow on a mountain, and alone because john would be gone riding all the time. because he could be. thats not what i want my life to look like. sure, i would be out of the cow shithole, farther away from people. But i will still be cold, needing fires or a heater, not eating fresh food, and mostly on my own. it does sound better, but only slightly.

i need some signs, some guidance. i have felt pulled to the island, aina had to show up in my art, in my tattoos, to tell me where i belong. and puna kept coming up because it was affordable. even from the very beginning, when i ignored it to look at maui prices. and signs kept coming up, but was it because it was what i wanted to see, or were they legit signs? so much doubt, so much questioning. what led me to the point im at now, how did i even get here?

so, nonetheless, feeling extremely lost. feeling confused. feeling like im in the middle of a hurricaine and i just want to give up. and i do. because what am i fighting ,sitting here at my computer, alone. not writing to anybody, no audience. i can give up, because there is nothing to give up. besides being hard on myself for giving up....

[shes-rewilding-blog]

writing again.

i will not reblog everything i see. i will not reblog everything i see. i will not reblog everything i see. if i type it out enough times then hopefully it will become true. i dont want to use this modality like pinterest. i need to practice putting out my own content.

so here i am.

in such limbo. and theres no light at the end of the tunnel. theres no move date. theres no sell date. theres no nothing. i will just b in this state of transition for a few months. an unknown amount of time. its difficult to get used to not being used to stuff. being used to not knowing what my future holds or if its the right decision for me.

how do you know for sure? theres never a way. ive been having doubts pulling at my sleeve, about where we are choosing to go. i needed the reminder that we are choosing this spot particularly because we can afford it. i also needed the reminder that our lines are over there too. astrocartography.

(from left to right) Moon, Jupiter, Neptune, Chiron.

Maui would work too, but we cant afford it.

So much up in the air, so much to get used to. Everything had been the same for what seemed like so long.

Also realized that I have never moved into a place assuming I would be there for many years. This was the first time this happened, and although it doesnt matter, it is a difficult thought to shake off. A difficult idea to shake off. Everywhere else i moved i knew I wouldnt be there forever.

I actually remember having the thought last year for the first time. Noticing we hadnt put any effort into decorating the house, putting anything on the walls, framing pictures of us other than ones from the wedding. A sad thought, why are the walls so empty. Does a part of me not want to live here/knows I wont be living here forever? Lets shove that thought deep down and go ahead and put pictures up now.

And wa-la, pictures on the wall. Now I have to work on taking them down and giving them away. 

Taking down everything in my life and giving it all away.

Another doubt that crept up was about the saturn/pluto conunction in january of 2020. I happened across an articule (from maui) stating that the last saturn pluto conjunction in 1983 was when one of the big islands volcanos erupted! What convenient timing for that information, dont you think? What am I supposed to do with THAT??? Stuff it down because what else can I do? Fate is fate, i am being called to the aina. I am afraid what for, but this is my life. my life is to serve(and be happy....!!)

[shes-rewilding-blog]

practice

i guess you could call this post, practice for writing and being seen. my pluto energy really cringed as i typed those words. i already feel myself rolling my eyes and just not wanting to finish even this one post. because whats the point. im not saying anything here. i am literally processing aloud. and that includes not censoring yourself. just writing what comes up. and sometimes its scary. but the point is to not judge it like you know everyone else reading this is. because who cares what they think. this is your process. practice.