Struggling to survive

WARNING: THIS BLOG MAYBE TRIGGERING. This blog is going to be about my journey through life. There will be plenty of ups and downs I'm sure. Hoping it will benefit me to keep a record of my progress and how I'm going. I have borderling personalisty disorder, bipolar tendecies, depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I also have Ulceralitive Colitis and am being tested for Crohns. This is my story. ..

[shez86]

Wow

It has been 5 years since I first started this blog...and a long time since I have updated. I guess life got too busy and I didn't feel the need. Might have to pick back up as sooo much has changed in the last 5 years...

[ztml]

[lunacalita]

what book is thisss

[hells-kitchn]

Will Grayson, Will Grayson by john green and david levithan 

[punkrockho]

[shez86]

Annoyance

Something that really gets on my goat is some peoples opinions on a guy and a girl being best friends. I don't get why some people have an issue on this?! How hard is it to understand that two people of the opposite sex can have a friendship without it being sexual? My best friend is a guy and it seems some people can't understand this. They can't see we are friends and nothing more. Recently he was told by one of his female friends that he shouldn't refer to me as his bestie and that his girlfriend probably doesn't like it. We are both in long term relationships. Our partners are both aware of our friendship. We have been friends for years. We don't hide this fact. Yet other people still seem to have an issue. I have had other friends, mostly female get jealous of our friendship and accuse me of "surely there must be more going on?!" For starters he lives 2 states away. It's a 2 hour flight or a massive 24 hour or so drive. Bit hard to do anything when we live that distance away. And this guy has been there for me through thick and thin. He knows of all my issues. My mental illness. He has seen me have meltdowns. He has been an ear for me to cry down the phone to and tell all my problems. He is incredibly supportive. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for him. He never gives up on me and always offers me sound advice. He puts up with my moods and short temper. Even when I've cracked the shits at him over stupid small things. He accepts me for who I am. And that's what a best friend should do. He knows of my dark past and things that I've done that I am not proud of. Yet he is still there. He is a constant in my life. He provides stability. So if anyone has an issue or wants to cause issues they can get fucked. We have gone through too much shit for anyone to try and ruin out friendship. So to all the haters I raise my two middle fingers to you and should out get fucked.

[aborderlineprincess]

[shez86]

brodieroset:

[shez86]

This is my safe place.

Tumblr I've missed you!

[shez86]

Year in review 2013

I haven’t posted in so long. So I have decided to do a recap of my 2013. And what a year it has been. So full of ups and downs. It’s been one of the most incredible years of my life.

The most wonderful, amazing thing to ever happen, happened to me this year. On February 22nd I gave birth to my beautiful little girl! It was the best day of my life! I had to have a cesarean because the little rascal was breech and it was too risky for me to try and deliver her vaginally. The c section itself was horrible. It has actually really affected me more then anyone knows. I hadn’t wanted one but as long as my little girl arrived happy and healthy I didn’t care what happened. To start with I had a trainee doing the spinal. It took him that many attempts to try and get the needle in the right spot. It was so painful! Finally he got it. I had dreamt of immediate skin to skin contact once she was born. Unfortunately that couldn’t happen. The hospital were short staffed and my little girl needed to be put on oxygen as she was having trouble regulating her breathing. She ended up having to spend her first night in the special care nursery. I spewed on the operating table during the c section so that was a heap of fun. Trying to spew while your guts are still cut open. It felt like it took forever for them to stitch me up and I started getting some anxiety. By this time my fiancé and little girl had been taken to special care. It was ages until I could see either of them again. In recovery I needed some oxygen as well. Finally I was wheeled back to my room. My mum was waiting there for me. I am so glad she was. I just wanted to see my little girl and know she was ok. It took hours before they finally brought her to me. I had been asking them if I could walk or do anything to see her but of course they wouldn’t let me and I wouldn’t have been able to walk even if I tried. It was the best moment when my fiancé was finally able to hand her to me. I missed out on giving her first breast feed as well and that’s another thing I still regret and resent. My fiancé had to feed her some of my colostrum with a syringe. I can’t help but think that contributed to her not being able to breast feed properly and us being unsuccessful with breast feeding. I lasted a week and then we had to switch to formula which I also had a lot of guilt about. So between that and the c section I still have some emotional issues with her birth. However that all aside she is an amazing baby! She is 10 months old now and brings me so much joy! She is such an easy, good natured baby too. I think people think I am lying when I say that but I’m honestly not. She has slept through the night since about 6 weeks of age. She has 7 teeth and we have had no dramas with teething. She is a fantastic eater and not in the least bit fussy. She is always happy. She started crawling at 9 months and is pulling herself up on things all the time now. She also sat up on her own from 5 months old. She seriously is dream baby and the best thing that ever happened to me. She makes me happier than anything else in the world does.

One thing I have noticed since having a baby is how relationships with others change. Some friends drift away and I have also made some great new friends. You really find out who your real friends are too. But that’s ok. I only want the good ones I’m my life.

I’m loving now working. I’m still a stay at home mum at the moment. I’m still employed but on a years leave without pay. I really don’t want to go back to that hell hole though. I was so miserable and unhappy there. I know I will have to work again in the future but want to put it off as long as I can. I don’t want to miss a moment with my baby.

So life was going great. Until I fucked things up. My fiancé gave me a lot of freedom recently to go out with friends and drink. And I got caught up in the moment and had some sexual encounters with another guy. And my fiancé found out. Of course shit hit the fan. I don’t even know why I did it. I honestly can’t really explain it. I was happy with my partner and things were going great. Just the excitement and thrill of doing something different caught up with me and I couldn’t help myself. I fucked up. I know I shouldn’t have done it. And I deeply regret it. But what’s done is done and I have to live with the consequences. My fiancé has chosen to stay with me and we are working through it. I am glad because I do love him and want our family to be complete.

Most of the rest of the year has been taken up with spending time with my girl. I went to the besties for their housewarming party in qld. That was fantastic and I had a ball. I miss him heaps. He still rings me regularly which is great. I enjoy our conversations and it helps break up my day as well. Christmas was wonderful. It was so much fun having my baby girl to spoil and watching her little face light up at all her presents. She got so spoilt.

So now here we are at New Years Eve. Wondering what 2014 will bring. I hope everyone has a happy and safe new year. All the best. :)

[shez86]

Spoilt!

I have the best family ever. I really do. My lovely Nan gave my fiancé and I $2000 to buy baby things! Just because she heard we were going shopping for baby things and knew we didn't have much cash due to me being unable to work for over 2 months. It was a massive help and so generous of her. Especially because she isn't rich or anything. So yesterday morning my fiancé and I went shopping with my Mum. It was so much fun! Usually I hate shopping too. Target had a big sale on baby items so we went there first. Got a car seat that is 0-4 years for $100 off. So that was a good bargain. Also got a really cute bassinet on sale. Got some sheets for the cot and bassinet, a mattress protector for the cot, baby towels, some cute little outfits, a baby care pack with things like wipes and nappy rash cream etc in it. Also got a nappy bag on sale. Was fun being able to buy things and not stress too much about the cost as well. Then we went to Country Kids and looked at prams and cots etc. I got an awesome pram on sale. It's a Phil and Teds Navigator which is the newest model out. Got it for a really good price which I'm happy about and I love it. It's bright red too! Also found a really nice Boori cot that I like and my Mum might be going to buy for us. It's in the dark coloured wood that I want. Mum also brought a gorgeous baby blanket that she found and we all loved. I was exhausted by the time we got home. We got so many bargains and all stuff that I will need though which is great. We dumped it all in the babies room, had a quick bite to eat (sausage rolls I had made the night before) and then it was off to the boys house to watch the AFL Grand Final between Sydney and Hawthorn. I took some jelly slice around to their house that I made. My first ever attempt and it turned out pretty good. They all liked it! So I was happy with that. I don't make stuff very often. Lol. Sydney won the GF. I didn't really care who won. Then we had a BBQ tea and went home. I was exhausted and ready for bed by the time we got home at 9pm. Today we have started cleaning the babies room. Scrubbing all the walls on there as its so dirty from the previous tenant. It must have been a kids room as there is crayon and pencil marks on the walls. Tonight we are going to my Parents house for tea. All in all it has been a pretty good weekend. Only downside has been I threw up just before and have a splitting headache. Getting heaps of bad headaches since I have been pregnant. It sucks.

[shez86]

Feeling Better (mostly)

So this week has been a lot better. I haven't been feeling as sick, though I still often spew once or twice a day. I have been feeling happier, had more energy and just feeling better in myself. It was good. Had an obstetrician appointment on Tuesday and we briefly got to see our baby on the ultrasound. Was literally like 2 seconds but soo good! Such a relief to know that there was still a heart beat and bubs was moving around. The pic was so clear and the baby looked so cute. It had one of its little hands about its head as if it was waving to us! I have started feeling movement this week too. It's only light still. Little flutters and tickles in my tummy. Such a weird feeling but I love it! My fiancé is jealous that it will still be quite some weeks until its likely he can feel it. I am exactly 17 weeks today. Belly is sticking out more now. I have a little bump. It's nice to actually look pregnant now. :) Yesterday my fiancé and I drove down to Colac for a friend of mines little twin girls 1st Birthday. It was a really nice day and we had fun. They are such cute little babies. My friend gave me a bag of baby things too! So that was a bonus. My fiancé and I still haven't really brought anything yet. We went shopping on Friday night as we had to get the girls birthday presents so we had a look at baby stuff as well. It was actually a bit overwhelming though. We had no idea what to buy so brought a random thing, which was a baby gate. Lol. We are using it to block the back end of the house so the animals get used to not going down there. Will help to keep the babies room really clean too. Today I have felt sick a bit sick and spewed twice. My poor fiancé is sick too. So we have had a relaxing day doing not much at all. That's pretty much all I have to update on for now. :)

[shez86]

Update on pregnancy and everything

So I am still pregnant which is great and as far as I know everything is still ok. I'm exactly 16 weeks today. It has been a major struggle though. To be complete honest I have hated almost every minute of it so far. I have had hyperemesis gravidum since about 4 weeks until the last couple of weeks. That is where you spew constantly. I couldn't keep anything at all down including water. I lost 10kg and had to go to the ER twice and get put on drips. I was so dehydrated and felt like I was dying. It was horrible. Every waking moment I had extreme nausea and vomited at least 10 times a day. I couldn't hardly eat a thing. Couldn't even keep hydralyte icy poles down. And I was prescribed lots of different medications, including zofran which they give to cancer patients under going chemotherapy and none of it helped. Only now that I have reached the second trimester has it eased. I still vomit most days but it's only a couple of times a day compared to at least 10. So it's way better. I couldn't go to work for those 2.5 months and only just went back last week finally. Work was a struggle too last week. My back hurt and I got so tired. I get exhausted really easily. My appetite still isn't 100% yet so I am still slowly trying to regain strength and energy. I have been coming home and falling straight asleep after most shifts. I am hating being at work but we really need the money. We were so broke on only one wage. We had friends that actually cooked my fiancé meals to freeze because we ran out of money. It wasn't a good time at all and we haven't been able to afford to buy a single thing for the baby yet. I have had 3 ultrasounds where we have seen the baby so far. The best being the 12 week scan. Our little baby was sucking its thumb. Was so cute. That was one of the highlights of my pregnancy so far. Seeing our little baby on the screen wriggling around. Our next scan is in approx 4 weeks. That's the anatomy scan and we will find out the baby's gender as well. Very excited. Plus I am worried once again incase something is wrong. I get so paranoid about the baby dying. I can't wait until I can feel movement so I know the baby is ok. Speaking of movement I MIGHT have felt some today but I'm not 100% sure if it was the baby or just my tummy. It's very hard to tell at this stage. If it keeps happening and gets stronger then I will know it's bubs. Today has been a massive struggle. Really massive. I stayed in bed the whole day. Been feeling really tired and depressed today. It's like everything was just too much and too over whelming. I actually was wishing I wasn't pregnant. Last night I had a big fight with my father and ended up storming out of my parents house. Then today I have been fighting with my fiancé. It's been horrible. I just want to cry and cry today and I have been. I begin to wonder how I am going to cope. What am I getting myself into?! I'm bipolar and unmedicated and now hormonal. And right now it all feels so hard to deal with and cope. I was even having some thoughts of harming myself today. It's really scaring me. Then I wonder what all this stress is doing to the baby and that makes me worried. I have decided I never want to go through this again. It's all just been so hard. One baby is enough for me. I don't think I could cope again. Struggling to cope enough through this pregnancy. And I haven't really told anyone that I'm struggling because I feel like people won't understand or will think I don't want the baby. I DO want the baby and would be devastated if something happened to it. I'm just finding it all so hard though. I just feel like crap all the time. If I don't feel sick and tired, I feel sore or depressed. It's always one thing or another. Pregnancy is hard. And no one really prepares you for how hard it can be. Then I feel like a failure for struggling so much. I feel like people will think I'm weak. And they probably do. Other people breeze through pregnancy. Why can't I be one of those people!? Why does everything I do always have to seem like such a struggle?! I'm too tired now too keep writing tonight. I will try to start updating more regularly again now. Especially since I don't feel so sick anymore. It was hard to do anything when I was so sick. Time for sleep now. Night.

[bernadettelogue]

[bipolarowls]

[shez86]

Having a tough time

So today went mostly good until this evening. Then things came crashing back down. I was feeling more positive today and hopeful. Then after I got out of the shower tonight I just flipped out. I had some more bleeding so that really stressed and scared me. Then my fiance couldn't learn to just shut up and drop things even though I had asked him about 7 times and it was obvious it was working me up and making me agitated. Now I feel stressed, depressed and my head feels really weird and dizzy. Vision is a bit funny too. I'm stressing out about having a miscarriage. About not being good enough. Not being able to cope with my bipolar along with all these pregnant hormones. And to top it all off it's been a week since I had a smoke. And I'm still craving so I'm sure that's not helping my stress levels either. I also feel really alone and like I really have no one to talk to or that understands my fears and concerns. And I feel like I hate people. Things they are doing are annoying me and I feel like they are being selfish. Guess that's going to get worse as I will be no fun to be around since I'm not drinking or smoking or anything. The whole thing sucks. I just feel shit. And like I wanna cry. And to top it all off I'm cramping again. And if hurts. And I just wanna know if everything is ok or not. It's taking forever for these 2 weeks to pass by. Plus I'm still sick and getting so frustrated with not being able to breath or talk properly. I just feel so shit!!!!!!

[timedragonclock]

My mom’s friend adopted this lovely dog after he was abandoned by his previous family. His name is Shaun. Shaun had always been very good at eating all his food. Every last bit that was, he ate it. One day he started leaving a little bit behind. He wouldn’t eat everything, no matter what. He always left a little behind. Every morning when my mom’s friend checked Shaun’s bowl, the food was gone. That was very strange, because Shaun always spent the night by her side. One night she decided to investigate the food situation. She waited quietly by the food bowl and then, in the middle of the night, a cat came through the window and ate the remaining food. She noticed the cat was actually pregnant. A week or so later the cat came into her house and gave birth to 6 little kittens. Shaun took care of them as if they were his own babies. My mom’s friend adopted the cat too (her name is Meow) and they took care of the kittens until they all found a loving home. Nowadays Meow and Shaun live happily together as a family and they each have their little bowl of food.

[ofelias]

[crackwhoresaresneaky]

This definitely cheered me up.

[chronicillnesscat]

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat.Text reads: “But you look so good! - My face isn’t the problem, it’s my intestines.”]

I know you’ve gotten tons like this, but I just needed to throw in one more. Especially since that’s something I’ve been thinking for months and only lately built up the nerve to actually say as a response. :P

[bpdthings]

submitted.