Being Introverted in an Extroverted World
I always felt that I was different growing up. I never liked to be in big groups. I didn’t like big parties or events. I wasn’t capable of making small talks. I constantly picked a quiet weekend. Or to put it frankly I never liked being in a situation that forces social interaction. And for the longest of time, I felt I was an oddball. I always judged my choices, and I constantly tried to change and be more of a social creature. Unconsciously, I began finding ways to be more extroverted.
This was really strange. I mean, why do I feel the need to be extroverted? Was it wrong to be introverted? And like many introverts around, we were definitely caught with this struggle. And it is no surprise why. Our education system was built upon the Extrovert Ideals. Ideals that reward students for displaying extroverted qualities, for being the most social, for being perfectly adept in public speaking, and to work well in groups, just to name a few. But yes, thankfully in the Asian’s education system this is not so profound but it still exists. And I was one of those kids, petrified by the mere thought of public speaking; amazed by how my classmates could easily talk and joke while standing in front of the class. And there I was sitting meekly in the classroom, afraid to speak out unless I have something valuable to contribute but having classmates perfectly cracking jokes and quick comebacks. Oh, how I wished I was more like them. So began the slow transformation in building myself to be more comfortable in public speaking, to be unafraid to lead others, and to be more outgoing. But why? Why couldn’t I just be myself? Did I really have to be adept at speaking in front of a crowd? Why were we judged on our presentation skills almost as much as we were judged on the content of the presentation? Did style matter more than substance? I remember how I was constantly called out for having a resting bitch face by my parents, how I always find myself in the quieter corner of a party, or how I was always a few steps behind my group of friends if we were out.
And so I went through a phase where I constantly joined more social activities, activities that extroverts generally excelled in. And I did so because I thought I needed to come out of my shell. I thought by being in the right environment I would be the social creature that society valued so much. Yes, I had fun no doubt. But I was tired. Exhausted. Depleted. I had no energy left in my tank, and I looked on with envy at others that kept going. And on the contrary, I started to withdraw from all these social activities. I opted for smaller groups. I opted for quieter settings. I opted to be alone. And I grew to accept it. It was not as if I wanted to be a loner, but I came to understand that I didn’t have to be who I wasn’t. Of which, I knew I wasn’t a social creature, I knew I wasn’t an extrovert.
But don’t get me wrong. I still yearn to be around people. But I just don’t have the energy to be constantly around large groups of people. I am there when my friends need me, but I don’t actively seek them out. It is not as if I didn’t value the friendship, but more so that it exhausts me more than I am comfortable with. I have friends who are social bees with calendars filled with meetups, rushing from one meeting to another. I am always in amazement at how they are able to keep up with it, while I get exhausted at the mere thought of it.
I try. I do try to be more extroverted especially in new social settings. My attempts in appearing more friendly, or approachable. The deep dark fear of appearing aloof drives me to be unlike myself. But give it days and I will revert back to my quiet withdrawn self. So before you know it, I get exhausted being someone I am not. And the constant fight to be an introvert in an extroverted world continues.
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