The Who’s Who of Australian Politics (minor party edition)
Unhappy with the main parties? Want to see what alternatives you could vote for? Well let’s run down some of the other people in Australian politics:
Clive Palmer is the founder and leader of the Palmer United Party, best known for having half its elected members split off from the party mid-term. This man is a walking parody of the fat cat stereotype and perhaps is actually just a very clever bit of performance art. We may never know. He’s pictured above counting how much money he’ll have left after he’s spent all his money on political attack ads this election. He’s racist, self serving, his dinosaur once caught fire and burned down, and he’s had multiple political attack ads where him/party members called Abbott “impotent.” He also barely ever even votes on anything but one of the few things he has was to repeal the mining tax… which happens to be his main industry. Much like The Titanic, a big expensive luxury that soon crashed, his political career will shortly end as he is no longer running. Don’t worry, he’s always one for take-two’s as the Palmer United Party hopes to get live on past their founder quitting and run again despite nearly collapsing entirely mid-term. Clive Palmer is also building a 2nd Titanic. He took that metaphor and just ran with it in a very weird literal way that doesn’t really make much sense but then again that’s Clive. He says he stands for lots of things (including “a better share of the GST”, whatever that is meant to mean) but I’m not sure he means most of it.
There was meant to be a series of jokes in there but I couldn’t think of a bigger one than Clive Palmer.
He’s so angry. Angry at the harm that problem gambling causes people and their families… and also all those goddamn xylophone jokes. He’s heard them all people.
Originally an anti-gambling independent, now a more complex and nuanced political party that covers a wide range of issues. It is basically the pot plant of Australian politics that has been gradually watered and nurtured since the 90s. He has grown multiple beautiful metaphorical leaves, and now has TEAM MEMBERS running all over the country in the race of politics. He’s also the winner of “Best Political Party With The Founder’s Name in it, 2016″ though his competition was against horrible parties like “Palmer United”, “Jacqui Lambie Network”, “Pauline Hanson’s One Nation”, “Katter’s Australian Party,” and “ so that’s the least of his achievements. He’s described as centre but has a few agreeable stances with The Greens.
You probably all know him best as that guy who wore pyjamas into the massive senate debate over voting reform.
Led by David Leyonhjelm (pronounced lion-helm. You’re welcome). He’s well known for being elected on the basis of having a similar sounding name to The Liberals, and also introducing everyone new to politics to this fancy word called “Libertarianism.” He’s neither right, centre, or left. Basically he wants less government involvement in people’s lives which can lead to an interesting series of policies like “marriage equality is good… and so are guns.” Two things that you generally find separated between the left and the right. He wants you to be able to smoke a joint, but he also thinks climate change isn’t real. What a way to harsh my buzz man. He is pictured above trying to appeal to smokers by stating he wants to decrease taxes on tobacco (an issue that will affect mostly lower income earners) by smoking a cigar in a suit. What a way to be #relatable eh?
Bob Katter is the founder of Katter’s Australian Party (starring: Bob Katter). Formerly a National turned Independent. He’s your homophobic patriotic grandpa now with a NEW HAT! Well known for his stance of “I don’t want to answer that question, please stop asking me” whenever anyone says anything about gay youth suicides, marriage equality, or any queer issue ever. He’s a firm believer in denying that existence of homosexuals in Northern Queensland, which is conspiracy level ignorance, especially as he has a gay half-brother who lived there in his childhood. The hat is theorised to be lined with tin foil inside of it.
He really cares about the following things: Australian nationalism, denying rights to LGBT+ people, and limiting the Coles/Woolworth duopoly has a limited market share.
“Oooooooooh! The Australian sex party eh? Oooooh” - immature 18 year olds only just able to vote. Led by Fiona Patten. The party is not just about sex! I mean that’s a big part of it (no puns, please, this is a deeply serious discussion) but there’s also things like decriminalising recreational drug use, legalising ethanasia, supporting LGBT+ rights, and getting rid of religious tax exemptions. They have a lot of interesting and varied policies for a more inclusive society bolstered by personal liberties but are best known for being the party with “sex” in the name. It is an important issue to them though. In 2010, porn star Angela White ran for the party to support the rights of sex workers. She and her fellow Sex Party candidate, Zahra Stardust, became the first political candidates to film porno together. That’s a fun fact you now know and will probably never come up in political trivia quiz nights but if it does you’re going to do really well and everyone will question you on how you know that fact.
Formerly known as the “Natural Medicine Party” and also more accurately known by that name as well. They don’t like vaccinations, fluoride in the water, and want homeopathy to be regarded on the same level as “pharmaceutical medicine” (or as regular people know it: medicine). They’ve come under fire by doctors around the country for things like “being a bunch of conspiracy theorists.” Fun fact: they’ve got the first spot in the NSW ballot paper so they could get a bunch of votes thanks to donkey voting where people just tick every box in order it appears instead of actually preferencing parties properly! Which just goes to show you why donkey voting is a terrible idea! If you’re going to elect an anti-science party then at least do it intentionally you idiot.
Family First/Christian Democrat Party:
Homophobes who oppose abortion and want people to support “Australia’s Christian Heritage.” Are you gay? Well they think you should get that “fixed” because they think you have a mental illness that you also for some reason chose. It’s illogical and stupid. Bob Day (FF)/Fred Nile (CDP) should one day merge into just one giant homophobic senator so that they can get the same job done but half as efficiently. This summary is taking too long. *slams buzzer* NEXT!
Racist Micro-Party Lightning Round!
All these parties have something in common. Can you guess what it is? *drum roll* If you guessed “they hate Muslims” then you’re right!
Led by Pauline Hanson who famously hates Asian immigrants and got so pissy about her sharp decline in popularity that she then migrated to England. England didn’t want her. The irony was missed on her. She has modernised her look with a new angle: what if Muslims were the secret evil trying to destroy us all along instead of Asians? Mostly voted for by racist white bogans. She’s a former fish and chip shop owner but sold the business quite a while ago. It is now owned by Vietnamese immigrants because life is poetic and beautiful sometimes.
With a website that screams web 1.0 you’ll be transported far back into the past of not just the internet, but what’s acceptable to say about non-whites! It’s so damn archaic and out of touch with reality that it’s endorsed by the KKK! What other racist party can claim that badge of honour, huh?
They’re not even particularly interesting. They’re just another anti-Islam, anti-science, far-right group that wants you to get so angry that you forget to be logical and do the political equivalent of violently smashing your head against a wall and then blaming your polite neighbour for having done it to you.
Are you that very specific target demographic of neo-nazi and gym junkie who felt underrepresented in politics? Well thankfully they haven’t figured out to register themselves as a political party so you can’t actually vote for them. They’re against the burka because they think Muslims will get away with being unidentifiable when they commit acts of violence. To counter this they protest, often wearing the Australian flag to cover their face to protect their identity so one knows who they are when they commit acts of violence at said protests. The irony is lost of them.
Australian Liberty Alliance:
They’re campaigning off the act of yelling “BOO! A MUSLIM!” at people and hoping their impulsive reaction is “AH! GET RID OF IT!” as if a Muslim is really just a big spider wearing something on its head. It’s ironically named given its desire to destroy religious liberty. This is (of course) lost on them.
Famously fears the amorphous scary blob that is “Sharia Law” yet isn’t actually sure what it is… This has been a vital part of her campaign despite the fact that “Sharia Law” is a complete non-issue that no one except those who are opposed to it are suggesting it will introduced - whatever it even is. She stands out from the rest of the scare-tactic bogan far right idiots in that she has a bright yellow scarf. That’s her identifying mark. Fashion. If it weren’t for that she’d fade into the collective writhing mass of Australia’s shameful far-right movement.
Well there are some of the micro-parties. There’s a whole lot lot more (like Animal Justice party - which is what vegans vote for, Flux - which wants direct democracy, or Socialist Alliance - which, spoilers: likes socialism, etc) but I can’t summarise them all or this would go on forever. Good luck!
stormborns
izzy806
discoholicmusic
origamiaround
kaledo-art
titsay
gummygunk
