Shoelace Diaries

Trigger Warning: suicide for the entire blog. When I was nine years old in third grade I tried to kill myself by putting a shoelace around my neck. This blog will be me puzzling through what I do and don't remember about the event and my feelings about my own and others' reactions to it. This blog also deals with current mental health problems I've been dealing with.

[lavenderlemniscate]

feels like im always recovering. when do i get to live

[lavenderlemniscate]

"it's okay to rest for as long as you need from burnout" how long is it actually going to take though. there's stuff i wanna do.

[shoelace-diaries]

I am... so tired.  I feel like I’ve spent the last decade just fighting to survive that day, that week, that month, that year... and for what?  For another day of fighting to survive?  When do I get to start living?  Will I ever?  If not, why do I endure this pain.

I just want a good and convincing reason to stay....

[shoelace-diaries]

Having a hard time right now.  I feel like no one around me is interested in me.

Maybe they’re right.  Maybe I don’t have anything to offer.

[shoelace-diaries]

dissociating like a bitch tonight

[shoelace-diaries]

Gee, it’s almost like being unable to take my antidepressants for three days (because I ran out) affects my mood.  Who’d have thunk!

On a related note, where the FUCK is my psychiatrist I need her to approve a refill ;_;

[shoelace-diaries]

I’m a cis woman and I wish I didn’t have a uterus

I hate my uterus.  Not in the 4 days a month “ow” sort of way.  I loathe the organ designed to harbor a growing fetus. I wish I could get a hysterectomy.

Why? Because not only do I NEVER want children, but the ordeal of pregnancy is something I know I would never survive, even if it required me to end things myself.  Yeah I did just implied what you think I did: I’d choose a noose over a pregnancy.

So maybe now you can understand what I mean when I say that I resent the organ whose very function is antithetical to my understanding of myself.  If I could donate the organ to someone who would appreciate it I’d be ecstatic.  If I could just wish it away I’d be overjoyed.

I wish that I could trust a doctor to take me seriously on this, but considering the ordeal people with endometriosis go through to get a hysterectomy, I don’t think I’d be able to.

[shoelace-diaries]

Lolz, joke’s on me: I’m neither cis nor a woman.

[shoelace-diaries]

I’m a cis woman and I wish I didn’t have a uterus

I hate my uterus.  Not in the 4 days a month “ow” sort of way.  I loathe the organ designed to harbor a growing fetus. I wish I could get a hysterectomy.

Why? Because not only do I NEVER want children, but the ordeal of pregnancy is something I know I would never survive, even if it required me to end things myself.  Yeah I did just implied what you think I did: I’d choose a noose over a pregnancy.

So maybe now you can understand what I mean when I say that I resent the organ whose very function is antithetical to my understanding of myself.  If I could donate the organ to someone who would appreciate it I’d be ecstatic.  If I could just wish it away I’d be overjoyed.

I wish that I could trust a doctor to take me seriously on this, but considering the ordeal people with endometriosis go through to get a hysterectomy, I don’t think I’d be able to.

[shoelace-diaries]

Guess who’s upset and self-destructive enough to engage with transphobes?

THIS BITCH!

[shoelace-diaries]

Me: I don’t need social media and facetune to hate myself, I have a mirror

Also me: Goddamn can everyone stop being thin and attractive for like five minutes, I need a break.

[shoelace-diaries]

I wish I were pretty.

I can put together outfits I like, I even like them on me, then I see my face in the mirror and my day is ruined.

[shoelace-diaries]

Welp

fuck.

[shoelace-diaries]

Fuck

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck....

Fuck!

[shoelace-diaries]

Sanders Sides saved my life

So I have been pretty suicidal the last week.  It hit a peak two days ago and while I was working my brain was idly throwing up things I’d miss if I killed myself and things I wouldn’t have to deal with again if I killed myself.  Most of them got no reaction from me.  Missing my sister’s wedding? meh. Parents’ reaction? meh.

You know what made me text my therapist?  The thought of no more Sanders Sides.

I then proceeded to rewatch Sanders Sides episodes until my therapist could call me.

Long story short: Thomas Sanders’ content may literally have saved my life.

Thomas if you’re reading this: Don’t let Virgil or Logan tell you your work isn’t important.  It is.

[shoelace-diaries]

Je suis dumb bitch

[thebibliosphere]

tw: for depression and suicidal ideation under the cut.

Keep reading

[shoelace-diaries]

What about re-reading some of your favorite Terry Pratchett books?  Or any books?  I’ve been so depressed recently I’ve decided “fuck productivity” and I’ve just been distracting myself with projects and movies at all time.  It doesn’t make the depression go away, but you can’t kill yourself if you’ve still gotta find out how that movie ends, right?  (was that too dark?  Sorry)

[shoelace-diaries]

I know you have problems with feeling pressured to always be productive so I just wanna reiterate: You are allowed to stop being productive for the sake of your mental health.  Literally, if all you do is survive we will be happy.

[thebibliosphere]

tw: for depression and suicidal ideation under the cut.

Keep reading

[shoelace-diaries]

What about re-reading some of your favorite Terry Pratchett books?  Or any books?  I’ve been so depressed recently I’ve decided “fuck productivity” and I’ve just been distracting myself with projects and movies at all time.  It doesn’t make the depression go away, but you can’t kill yourself if you’ve still gotta find out how that movie ends, right?  (was that too dark?  Sorry)

[shoelace-diaries]

So I figured out that just drowning my brain in movies makes me wanna die slightly less, so that was my plan for the weekend.

Enter migraine which makes me very light sensitive.