rara avis

L, 22, pdx -> nyc. i am thrifty and i am absolutely filthy in thought, word and deed.

[shutl0w]

hi tumblr

hey y’all,

so you’ve probably noticed by now that i haven’t written here in a while. my life has sped up in ways that haven’t left time for blogging; i’ve also been working hard enough and writing enough that this space hasn’t felt-- mm, necessary’s not the word, but it hasn’t felt as essential as before. i also don’t want the last thing on here to be an essay about rape, so here’s an official... not goodbye, i’m typing this and i’m already missing writing to you all, but a see you later? a see you infrequently? 

you can find me, as ever, on insta & twitter at /lrsphm, and on email if you’ve got mine, and if you don’t, message me and ask. it feels weird to acknowledge i’ve let go of a platform i’ve been writing on since i was fifteen, but i’m twenty-two now, and a lot of you have sure seen me grow up through it all.

anyway, later for now. i’ll pop back in and out. xoxo, L 

[shutl0w]

Is it rape if I didn’t say no, but I didn’t say yes, and I cried after? I want to tell you I cried, so that you know that I didn’t want it. I want to tell you I suffered, so that the story I told you is plausible. The narrative of rape is only enabled by a woman’s pain. I must have suffered. I must be experiencing some kind of trauma. I must be damaged somehow. I am a rape survivor. I am not, however, a particularly convenient victim. I spent the rest of the night there. I let him drive me home. Mostly, I just feel complicit in breaking the parts of me that are broken.

yesterday i published an essay at the hairpin. it’s about my complicated thoughts on being raped a year ago. you can read it here.

Showing My Hand, by Larissa Pham | The Hairpin

[shutl0w]

notes from zermatt

not much to say here because i want to save some of it for the piece i'm writing for the magazine that sent me so instead here are some tableaus that i will share with you

a red train making its way zigzag up the mountains / mountains so huge they seem to arc over the sky itself / a distant ridge wreathed in foggy white clouds / the vertigo of the gondola rising up suddenly / the translucent shell of a rental ski boot / my knees in the bath turning red / a mug of hot spiced red wine with too many cloves in it / light blue eyes and ruddy cheeks / sticky chocolate / white wine every night / a little town tucked in the valley / chalets with snow-covered roofs and lights lining the eaves / a strong grip / drink tickets / falling over and over in the snow / the cartoonish curve at the tip of the matterhorn / snow blowing off the hip of the mountain / the riders like specks of ink floating in space / everyone drunk and telling stories / smiling with my tongue against my teeth

[shutl0w]

just got back from switzerland it was pretty fricking fantastic

[shutl0w]

ur not difficult ur just goin thru some shit

notes to self while i go through a weird time:

let love in even if it isn't called love. let people care for you. let down your guard when goodness is at the door. yes this is very hard.

resist the urge to self-sabotage. resist the urge to be upset about the way you constantly hurt yourself.

think a bad thought to the full end of the thought and then let it out of your body. you'll find most bad thoughts end up being a little ridiculous.

you're more than the sum of what you produce or even what you're capable of.

you are so capricious and flighty and this is what is lovely about you. remember too that your moods influence so many things. if you don't feel pretty today it's okay you will another. in fact a few weeks from now you probably won't even remember this.

doubt is natural but it does no good for you to worry at it like a loose tooth. spit the blood out. let it go.

[mentaltimetraveller]

yayoi kusama

[shutl0w]

on a lighter note, though, i got a part time job at a high end sex shop in park slope and i'll be doing most of our web and educational content. the store hasn't opened yet, but you should come visit me when it does. sometimes i get so wrapped up in the writing life that i forget there are other things i care about. i feel so much better now in my life here than i did six months ago; i'm really grateful for that.

[shutl0w]

i cooked four meals this weekend with someone i really love / i have enough savings to coast for four months even if i don't make any money off these new jobs / i'm excited about art again, and about making things, and maybe i'm not there yet but i will be soon, and every time i feel even the slightest bit happy i feel like i've lucked out, like i've cheated my way to joy

[millktree-deactivated20121024]

[shutl0w]

i am very loving / i am very difficult to love / thank you for staying with me even when i start crying in the middle of the night on valentine's day

[nevver]

Come over

[swanngalleries]

JENNY HOLZER  Inflammatory Essays

1979-82

[shutl0w]

What’s the difference between buying a leather collar because some nasty French lady wrote about it sixty years ago and buying a branded pair of handcuffs because E. L. James got some married couples wishing they’d experimented more in college? BDSM is, yes, a specific way of having sex that can be incredibly emotionally charged as well as emotionally satisfying, provided you do it with the right person under the right conditions. But BDSM is also a luxury hobby, like climbing or golf, marketed to specific demographics. To get membership into the club — which will make you sexy if you want to be sexy, alternative if you want to be alternative, subversive if you want to be subversive — you need to have the right gear, the right tools, and it doesn’t hurt if you look a certain way, too.

i wrote about the not-so-radical, kinda capital underpinnings of BDSM this month at full stop.

S&M Sells, by Larissa Pham | Full Stop Magazine

[shutl0w]

also im drunk so here's an outtake from earlier cos i looked cute

[shutl0w]

i went to a lit party tonight and how does the future of publishing look???? it's too busy sticking its nose in a glass of whiskey to care tbh

[shutl0w]

the camera on my laptop is doing really weird things with the color balance but im just rolling with it

[shutl0w]

it's honestly so funny that a magazine is just... sending me... to switzerland... to get into trouble on a mountain for three days?? and i just got my flight confirmation?? and someone earnestly believes that i can do this because lol i have no idea what i'm doing

im chalking this up to mercury being out of retrograde