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Entry #27: 251123

When does a wrong thing becomes right? Is it all about the intention? The outcome? Or perhaps the need to be just?

I found myself stuck in a situation wherein I keep on contemplating whether what I did was right or wrong. Earlier this semester, I caught my friends cheating on our exam. It wasn't just some little 'wrote some keywords on their palms' nor a 'don't cover your paper, so I can see your answers' type of cheating; it was the kind of cheating in which they got the exam paper AND the answer key from another department. I reported them right after the exam, of course. But it has caused me to lose our friendship as well as the subject of bullying because of being a 'backstabber'. I find it so ironic how I'm studying Political Science, yet my classmates are not keen on upholding their morals. We are considered to be the future lawyers and lawmakers, but our class has become nothing but a breeding ground for future corrupt officials. I realized that corrupt officials doesn't just become corrupt overnight. Their nature started from mere cheating in school, anti-poor mentality, lack of empathy for the people, and even turning a blind eye whenever someone is getting bullied by their friend. The problem is that people only want to obey or incorporate the law if it's not someone they know involved. They are only anti-drugs when it's not their friend using it. They are only advocates of bullying when they are not the one committing it. They are only anti-capitalists when they don't benefit from it and so on and so forth. Why is it that something becomes 'okay' to a certain degree when you know the people involved? Ah, my friend cheated because they are desperate to get high grades. Ah, she committed jaywalking because her foot hurts and will have trouble using the overpass. Ah, my mom stole our neighbor's mangoes while they weren't home, so it doesn't count because no one saw her. The thing is that people should stop putting 'exceptions' for others as if they hold the power to do so in the first place. Tolerance is just the same thing as being an acquaintance because you are fully aware that something is not right, yet you turned a blind eye on it. The people who keep on saying that the law is unjust are the same people who contributes to it being unjust and unfair. You can't advocate for the marginalized, if you yourself are the reason why they are in that position. It just doesn't work that way.

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Hindi Na Tayo Mga Bata

Entry #26: 070523

Noong bata ako, ang babaw lang ng kaligayahan ko. Kapag dinadala ako ni daddy sa Jollibee, masaya na ako. Noong binilhan ako ng ninong ko ng sapatos na may tatak na Barbie, abot tenga ang ngiti ko. Sa tuwing binibigyan ako ni mama ng mga laruan, tuwang-tuwa ako.

Noon namang naging estudyante ako, nagiging masaya ako sa tuwing matataas ang marka na nakukuha ko. Perfect attendance, perfect sa Math, perfect sa Science, at perfect sa spelling. Ang galing kong bata. Hindi matawaran ang ningning ng mga mata sa tuwing tumatawa.

Noong nagdalaga ako, nakabatay naman ang kasiyahan ko sa panlabas kong anyo. Magandang hubog ng katawan, maputing balat, walang mga tigyawat, pantay na mga ngipin, may kulay na mga kuko, at mga kolorete sa mukha. Doon ko kasi unang nalaman na kapag maganda ka, mas maganda rin ang trato sa'yo ng mga tao sa paligid mo. Iba kapag bawat nadadaanan mo napapatingin sa'yo. Iba kapag mga kapwa mo babae'y naiinggit sa itsura mo. Daig ko pa ang nasa ibabaw ng ulap sa tuwing ako'y humahalakhak.

Pero ngayon na malaki na ako, iba na ang kasiyahan na gusto kong matamo. Hindi na siya kasing simple ng pagtanggap ng regalo tuwing pasko o panonood ng mga cartoons tuwing Sabado. Hindi na siya nakadepende sa sasabihin ng ibang tao. Kung kailan ako tumanda ay tsaka ko lang naman napagtanto na ang tunay na kasiyahan ay nasa sarili mo lamang. Wala sa mga matatanggap mo, wala sa mga tao sa paligid mo. Ang kasiyahan ay pwedeng kasing simple ng pagkakaroon ng pagkakataon na makatulog nang mahimbing o 'di kaya'y ang reyalisasyon na naabot mo na ang dating pinapangarap mo lamang sa mga bituin sa langit. Hindi na tayo mga bata. Subalit hindi man tayo mga bata ay may karapatan pa rin naman tayong sumaya. At kung ako ay nahanap ko na kung saan ako magiging kuntento at masaya, ikaw ba? Kailan mo ulit mahahanap ang kislap ng iyong mga mata?

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Hindi Ako Belong

Entry #25: 070523

Grade 4 ako noong una kong maranasan na hindi ako belong. Sa buong klase namin, ako lang ang kaisa-isang may tigyawat. Lahat sila, makikinis ang mukha. Ako rin ang pinaka unang nagkaroon ng regla sa'ming mga babae. Wala akong mapagsabihan, wala akong mapagkwentuhan. Ang hirap kapag nag-iisa ka lang.

Grade 10 naman ako nung mapagtanto kong kailangan kong lumayo sa kinasanayan ko dahil hindi na naman ako belong. Lahat sila, gustong maging doktor, nars, inhinyero — mga propesyon na nasa ilalim ng STEM. Samantalang ako, HUMSS ang gusto kong kuhanin kasi magaling akong sumulat at makihalobilo. Iba 'yung gusto nila sa gusto ko. Magkakaiba ng mga pangarap sa buhay. Sa pangalawang pagkakataon, mag-isa na naman ako.

Grade 11 ako nung maramdaman kong muli na hindi ako belong. Halos lahat sila, kilala na ang isa't isa. Ako? Ako lang ang kaisa-isang estudyante na mula sa Science High School. Ang bigat ng responsibilidad na maging kasing galing ng inaakala nila. Sa pagkakataong ito, hindi na ako belong dahil sa mga karanasan ko. Mag-isa ako dahil pinili ko.

Palagi nalang ba akong mag-isa? Kailan ba ako magkakaroon ng kasama? Hindi ko na alam ang pakiramdam na belong pa pala ako. Sana sa susunod na paggising ko, may mapagsasabihan na ulit ako.

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If I Put Myself In Other People's Shoe

Entry #24: 060523

Earlier today, a friend of mine said something that really stuck with me until it was time to go home. "Paano kaya kapag ikaw ang nasa kalagayan ko? (How would things be if you were the one in my shoe?)" A thought provoking question. For those of you who don't know, I have been recently kicked out by my dad for a very shallow reason: money. Ever since I was young, it baffles me how people can fight over simple things such as land and money. But now, I finally understand.

My friend is 6 months pregnant. Teenage pregnancy. You might be thinking that she probably got slapped in the face and kicked out of her own house, but that's not the case for her. Her parents accepted her. They supported her. In our friend group, me and this friend are the ones who share the same mindset. Probably because we're both libras. We both don't want to have kids early. And when the time comes that we do, we're gonna apply gentle parenting. Unexpectedly, she got pregnant last year. I wonder it feels to know that your parents will always be there for you.

I have this classmate that grew up not being able to play. Her parents thought that play time is just a waste of time. She grew up seeking academic validation at all times and being abused by men in her life. Despite that, she's really great at what she does. She excel in everything. Beauty and brains as they call her. I wonder how it would feel like to be in her shoe.

Another friend of mine has been barely surviving through it all. She's not close with any of her siblings and her father rarely gives her money for her school fees. She lives in a house with no electricity since August last year. No fans even if the weather is 40°, no cellphone to use because she won't get to charge it, no wifi, and so on and so forth. I wonder how it would feel like to be in her shoe.

The thing is, all of those are mere what ifs. What ifs that are less likely to happen to you because no one lives the exact perfect life with one another. Nothing will happen if you will keep on contemplating things like this. What we can do is to learn from other people's experiences and focus on our present. Because those who worry too much about the future and the what ifs forget to live in the moment.

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Stuck Between What I Really Want vs. What Others Want For Me

Entry #23: 060523

A few weeks ago, I started reading this book called Something Spectacular by april_avery. It's about a girl's struggle between pursuing what she really wants and pursuing what her parents want from her. A situation that I can truly relate to.

Ever since I was young, I have always wanted to be a doctor. However, that changed last year. I wanted to become a lawyer instead. I want to protect those who are oppressed. I want to be the voice of those who cannot speak. I want to be the one who will save them from this cruel society. But I have a problem. I know that I am not good when it comes to public speaking despite having a very nice voice. My strengths are my voice and writing. I love writing a lot. It helps me calm down and gather my thoughts. It allows me to express the things that I am not able to say. It encourages me to be creative and gives me power. I love doing voice overs and dubs, too. They say that I have a mellow voice which makes people feel at ease whenever I'm speaking. With that being said, I can't help but question myself, "what do I really want?".

In contrast to what I want, my dad wants me to be a librarian instead. He said that being a lawyer won't bring me any fortune. In short, it's not practical. Why are Asian parents always like that? They think that the only way to a successful life is to have a lot of money. But having money doesn't equate to being happy.

My definition of being successful is being able to live the way that I want. I want to figure things out on my own. I want to learn through my mistakes and assess myself through my decisions. Our world is already full of people who have lost their identity while pursuing what others want for them. They try so hard to fit in and I don't wanna be like that. I want to embrace myself. I want to live without the pressure of disappointing other people because who are they to intervene with my life?

This is the time for us to stand up and be brave about our life choices. Because if not now, when will it be?

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Money and Financial Stability

Entry #22: 030423

When I was 4, my mom went abroad to work, so that we can have more money. When I was 8, my dad did, too. As someone who grew up being on the edge of being poor and the middle class, I've always wondered how does it feel like to live a day without having to worry about money. I remember co-sleeping with my whole family until I was 13, sharing a small can of tuna for 5 people, not being able to buy my school supplies immediately, and being encouraged to take a different course in college all because we didn't have enough money. Money, money, money. Because of our financial instability, I got a lot of opportunities taken away from me.

Last night, someone told me about how he thinks a person is rich just because they can afford to go to different concerts. And I thought, "Oh, this person looks at money as something that is shallow". You see, I honestly believe that being rich is never about being able to buy all your wants, just like how Finland is considered the happiest country in the world even though they don't laugh 24/7. Those who grew up being on the edge of the society tend to think this way as they struggle to meet their basic necessities, leaving them no room to ever buy their wants. When you grow up in a family that can barely survive each day with food on the table, you think that being rich equates to being able to buy everything you want or please or desire. Going to concerts frequently doesn't define your financial status because that person probably saved up for it. No matter what your social standing in life, I think we all deserve to receive a little bit of empathy for ourselves. Just because you can't afford to buy things now, doesn't mean that you will always not be able to achieve them.

Money is powerful. Imagine, with someone else's shopping spree money, you can already go to college. With someone else's travel money, you can already live comfortably with your family. With someone else's tuition, you can already build a mansion. But always remember this, do not compare your life to others because they don't have the same struggle as you do. We hold the rights on how we would like to spend our money. Because you wouldn't know that that person probably starved themselves at work just so they could have money to go shopping, that person probably grew up being on the edge, too and only had the opportunity to travel now that they're working already, and that that person's parents probably broke generational traumas, so that they can send their kids to better schools. Your financial status in life won't be defined by the amount of the materialistic things that you buy. Don't let money control you. Because the moment that you do, you'll find yourself obsessed with wanting to be rich that you'll slowly forget how to live life simply and happily.

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A curved line, perhaps

Entry # 20: 281122

Up until high school, I studied in a public school. And what do we know about public schools? The sudden fights are common. Teenage pregnancies, blatant bullying, smoking and drinking, etc. all of those were considered "the norm". But everything changed when I attended a Science High School. Suddenly, all the students are achievers and highly competitive. As a result, I got motivated to do the same. For four years, I told myself that I will be a cardio-thoracic surgeon one day. I had advanced chemistry, drafting, biology, chemistry, physics, tutor every Saturdays and Sundays, and so much more. I even told myself that I will study in the No. 1 university in my country. The University of the Philippines — Manila Campus. Until the pandemic happened and I had a sudden change of heart. I realized that maybe I can try taking up HUMSS instead of STEM? And I did. I took the time to find out what I wanted to take in college. I came to a conclusion that I would take Political Science because I enjoyed my Philippine Politics and Governance subject a lot. I enjoy learning about the law and wanted to be a Criminal Lawyer. However, I realized once again that maybe I can explore a different field. Because my goal in life is to engage in my strengths as well my different hobbies and interests. I want to study Fine Arts instead. I like painting a lot, and maybe going into an Art School would make a better person than I am today.

I've always wondered why I am like this. Why do I have urge and passion to explore all of my interests despite the short life span that I have? Is it because I'm indecisive or maybe I am just naturally curious? Because if it wasn't for that random day that I realized I wanted to take HUMSS, I think I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't be an aware citizen of my own country and a student-activist. I wouldn't be indulged in long conversations about our philosophies and principles in life. I wouldn't be interested in creating this Tumblr account of mine. I wouldn't be an interesting person and would've lost myself in my daily journey. Whilst other people stay on just one career in their whole life, I've already been through a lot. I've been walking on a curved line, perhaps. I still don't know if I'm gonna pursue a different path at some point of my life again. But hopping on different careers and pursuing everything that I get interested on one at a time keeps me going. I must say that I really like being different. And by this, I guess I am able to learn more about how I can improve as a person and not just someone who wants to succeed because of their liking for money. Afterall, I enjoy what I'm doing in life and would not exchange it for any amount. Because who I am today is a reflection of the decisions that I've made in the past. A curved line, perhaps. But as Ralph Waldo Emerson says, "Don't be timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment."

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Loneliness Makes Us Do Things

Entry #19: 141122

As most people know, my mom and dad got separated when I was still a kid. Me and my sister stayed with our dad and we were only allowed to visit mom during the weekends. At dad's, I don't have my own room, so I don't have the kind of privacy that a lot of people my age have. However, at mom's, I get to enjoy the house all by myself since she's gone for 16 hrs everyday. I get to have the 'peace' that I've always longed for. I get to eat whatever I want without people setting restrictions for me. I get to stay up for as much as I want. I get to cook without people interfering with me.

Surely, being used to not having your own privacy makes you crave for it. You start to visualize scenarios in your head about what you would do if you're home alone. You often wish that those who live with you will suddenly have something to do outside, so you'll be left alone at home. Because for those who don't know, living with your extended family means that you won't be able to do what you really really like. You can't take long showers because you only have 1 bathroom for a house with 7 people. You can't eat  what you want because some of your family members don't like it. You have to eat the food that everybody will eat, even if it's not what you like. You can't have a 'quiet' home whenever you need the peace because everyone is just too loud. Those are just some of the things that I can't do when I'm at my dad's.

As a result, whenever it's a long weekend, I choose to stay at mom's. And there, I get so happy because finally, I am alone. I can blast loud music without worrying if I'll wake someone up. I can cook at midnight without being scolded. I can shower late at night. It's the kind of freedom that I've been longing for. It's what I constantly crave for. But I must admit, being alone makes me feel lonely, too. Although I really like it at mom's, I have noticed that I often cry at night before I go to sleep. Because I miss my sister. I miss their presence. All of those bottled up emotions when I'm at dad's makes me wanna explode when I'm at mom's. I cry suddenly, I get lonely. I tend to be sleepy all the time since I have nothing to do, I don't feel the need to eat and to shower because all I want is to lie down. So sometimes, I ask myself, "Is this okay? Is this normal?" and the answer is YES. Loneliness makes us do things. Most of the time, we don't even realize how much we need some time to be alone. As a result, whenever we're alone, all of our bottled up emotions resurfaces all at once. It can be hard to manage, I get it. Sometimes I even get drunk, binge eat, binge watch some movies, etc. But that's how it is. You suddenly get this urge to do everything that you want to because no one's gonna stop you, and that's okay. Everyone needs to recharge their social battery every once in a while. Being alone doesn't equate to being lonely. Plus, having some time for yourself helps you have a clear mind and rethink about your actions for the past few days. As what Oprah said, "Alone time is when I distance myself from the voices of the world so I can hear my own".

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Game: A Short Poem

Entry #18: 201022

A game is what I thought it would be,

But, tell me, why do I treat anyone like my enemy?

I am Sif, yet I am also Eya.

My name is Sophia, but everyone calls me Andrea.

My medals are a sign that I've succeeded, yet I go home feeling like defeated.

"Acads for me is nothing but a game",

That's what I say but I meant the opposite of what I have said.

The truth is that I continuously seek for glory and fame,

I want everyone to remember my name.

How long do I have to play pretend,

How long do I have to hide that I'm exhausted?

I hold 4 personas at once like characters in a game,

I need both of my eyes to take the aim.

Now tell me, to whom do I point my finger to blame?

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Popularity Comes With A Price

Entry #17: 201022

When I was still in grade school, I used to wonder what it feels like to be popular. I've always been known as the 'smart kid', but nonetheless, I was never really considered popular.

Whenever we have group activities in school, I would often be the last kid to get picked. And if we are ever given a chance to choose our groupmates, I would always just choose my friends. Because apparently, being known as the 'smart kid' is not enough for me to be picked by others.

Last year, I transferred to a different school. I said to myself that I want to make a difference and see improvements. I started reciting in class, volunteering as the group leader, joined competitions for the first time, did different hairstyles every single day in school, and even changed the way that I dress. Then one day, I started to question myself.

"Have I been doing it for others and not for myself?"

I felt lost once again. Suddenly, I was back from ground zero. But then, it was announced that we would be doing in-person class this year. I thought to myself, "Maybe, this is where I should start the journey to finding myself all over again." I always do my hair every morning, my uniform would always be ironed so that it will make me look neat, I would apply powder and carry a handkerchief whereever I go so I would still look presentable, tries my best to recite in class, design my notes, put effort on my art outputs, and so on and so forth. Slowly, I gathered enough confidence for me to not feel anxiety around my classmates.

A week ago, I got chosen as one of the three representatives of our class for the United Nations Quiz Bee in our school. My classmates who are part of the Student Council have been spreading the word that I'm very smart and that it's a sure win as long as I'm part of the group. They kept telling other sections/class how much they trust that I'll do well and will bring home a medal to our class. And just yesterday, we won 2nd place in the Quiz Bee. We were so happy. I was so happy to the point that I cried. Since then, my popularity kind of skyrocketed. I received a lot of praises from my classmates as well as friends and mere acquaintances. But earlier today, a rumor sparkled that caused me to realize that popularity really does come with a price. Of course, everyone knows that, but as they said, experience is the best teacher.

It turns out that my classmates perceive me as someone who is a perfectionist and because of that, they thought that I was mad with my dance partner for our Ballroom Dance (Mambo No.5) for not taking our dance seriously. I do have high eyebrows and that makes it look like I am ill-tempered. Besides that, I also learned that they perceive me as someone who is rich and doesn't eat at eateries. Someone who doesn't like being wrong and is always mad.

"Eya, sabi nila galit ka raw kay *** kasi parang hindi raw niya sineryoso 'yung sayaw niyo. Perfectionist ka raw kasi kaya ayaw mo raw na may nagkakamali." (Eya, they said that you're mad at *** for not taking the dance seriously. You're a perfectionist so it makes sense that you don't want others to make a mistake.)

And then, it hit me. Although I've shown nothing but kindness to others, I can't stop rumors for spreading like a wildfire. Now I realize that I have to deal with this burden of being somewhat 'popular' for the rest of the year. This is only the beginning yet I am already sick of it. The tears that I shed when I came home can attest to all of it.

[sif-eya]

The Fight Against Fake News and Disinformation

Entry #16: 110722

As I was eating my breakfast this morning, my lola (grandmother) suddenly told me that the University of the Philippines - Diliman will now be closed. For those who don't know, the University of the Philippines is considered to be the 'best' university in my country. Now, going back to what I was saying, my lola was laughing nonstop as if she was really delighted that the said university will now be closed. I kept my mouth shut as I know that it's nonsense to argue with close minded people especially the elders. My family and I have different political views. My tita (aunt) then came to the dining room and of course, my lola told her about the news that she just saw on FB (Facebook). Although my tita and I have different political views as well, at least she knows how to fact check and differentiate a fake news from what is true. She then bravely told my lola, "I-check niyo muna kung legit ba 'yang nakikita niyong balita" (Check it first if it's from a verified source) and "Hindi naman lahat ng nakikita niyo sa FB ay totoo" (Not everything that you see in Facebook is true). I secretly smiled. Despite the fact that the University of the Philippines is considered to be the 'best' school in my country, those who support the current President considers it as a breeding ground for the NPAs (New People's Army, a communist group). That's why my lola was delighted because she is one of the people who thinks that UP (University of the Philippines) is not a 'worthy-of-the people's-taxes' university since it's a State University which means that everyone who's studying there is a scholar. Now, I also just remembered that the Philippines' ranking when it comes to reading comprehension is at the bottom. This just means that the Filipino citizens are more prone to being victims of fake news and disinformation in every social media platform that there is. Yes, the University of the Philippines will now be closed but that information is incomplete. Only the Academic Oval and other public spaces of the said university will be closed due to rising Covid-19 cases and not because it is against the current administration. Students complain about the repetitive lessons in school about dissemination of fake news and such without realizing the importance behind it. Somehow, the topic is not supposed to be a 'fun' one since this is a serious matter to be tackled. But from what I can see, despite the repetitive lessons in school, teenagers still continue to be victims of fake news everywhere. Why? Because of social media which causes their brain to be overstimulated to the point that they cannot identify a false information anymore as it can easily be masked as the 'truth'. Let's also not forget that short videos in reels are far more entertaining than a boring plain text in modules. We get easily swayed by aesthetic designs, misleading titles, up-beat songs, and totally unrelated thumbnails. However, we shall always remember to fact check and not let ourselves be victims of fake news and disinformation. Technology is continuously evolving and we should not take this for granted. The truth will always set us free.

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Kahimanawari (Ang Pinakaunang Istoryang Aking Ginawa)

Entry #15: 090722 [240321]

“Anong pangalan mo?” tanong ng estrangherong kausap ko.

“Sophia ang pangalan ko ngunit Sophie ang tawag sa akin ng mga magulang ko.” sagot ko.

“Napakagandang pangalan na bagay na bagay sa magandang binibining katulad mo” pagpuri niya.

Napamulat ako at tuluyan nang nagising mula sa panaginip na mayroon ako. Hindi ko namalayang kusa na palang tumutulo ang mga luha pababa ng pisngi ko. Patuloy ito sa pagragasa at sari-saring emosyon ang nararamdaman ko. Napatanong ako sa sarili ko kung dapat ba akong magalak dahil napanaginipan ko ulit iyon o dapat ba akong maiyak dahil kay tagal kong hinintay na marinig muli ang mga katagang ito.

“Napakagandang pangalan na bagay na bagay sa magandang binibining katulad mo”.

“Napakagandang pangalan na bagay na bagay sa magandang binibining katulad mo”.

“Napakagandang pangalan na bagay na bagay sa magandang binibining katulad mo”.

“Napakagandang pangalan na bagay na bagay sa magandang binibining katulad mo”.

Tila ba sirang plaka itong nagpapaulit-ulit sa utak ko. Ilang linggo na rin simula nang nagsimula akong pagdudahan ang sarili ko. Isa? Dalawa? Tatlo? Hindi ko na mabilang sa mga daliri ko. Ang estrangherong nakita ko sa panaginip ko ay mahalaga at malapit sa puso ko. Isa sa mga taong tumulong sa akin upang mapagtanto ko ang mga bagay na mayroon ako. Mga bagay na dapat ay ipagmalaki ko. Panlabas na kaanyuan, mabuting kalooban, pagmamalasakit sa kapwa, talento sa pagsulat at pagpinta, ano pa nga bang mahihiling ko? Bagamat hindi perpekto ay may mga katangian akong kaya kong ipagmalaki sa ibang tao.

May mga pagkakataon na pinanghihinaan ako ng loob at nawawalan ng gana sa mga bagay na kinagisnan ko. Kagaya ng ibang tao ay nakararamdam din ako ng lungkot. Mahalaga para sa akin ang mga taong nagpapalakas ng loob ko sa tuwing walang wala ako. Maaaring sa iba ay simpleng mga salita lamang ito ngunit ito ang dahilan upang magpatuloy ako. Simpleng kataga na bumubuo ng araw ko at dahilan upang maibsan o kahit man lang mabawasan ang pagdududa ko sa sarili kong kakayahan. Sana katulad ko ay magkaroon din ang ibang tao ng pagkakataon na makatagpo ng mga taong mgpapalakas ng loob nila tuwing nanghihina sila. Importante na may suporta tayong natatanggap mula sa iba sapagkat ipagkaila man natin ay hindi pa rin natin maiiwasan na mas magaan sa pakiramdam kapag alam mong may karamay ka. Natutunan kong mahalin ang sarili ko at sa tingin ko isa ito sa mga pinakamagandang alaala na mayroon ako.

Kadiliman man ang huli kong nakikita sa bawat pagpikit ng mata ko ay hindi ko makalilimutang nasilayan ko rin ang liwanag ng buwan bago ako mahiga sa mumunting higaan na mayroon ako, suot-suot ang pang-ulong hatinig sa magkabilang tenga ko. Saktong narinig ko ang linyang pinaka paborito ko.

“I wanna love me, the way that you love me. For all of my pretty and all of my ugly,too. I’d love to see me from your point of view”

Kahimanawari. Kahit man lang kung maaari ay nais kong makamit ang tunay na kaligayahan para sa sarili ko.

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Ang Boses Ng Masa Sa Larangan Ng Politika (Isang Tula Mula Sa Perspektibo Ng Estudyanteng Nagtataka)

Entry #14: 040722 [051221]

I. Ang politika ay isang maruming larangan,

Hindi lang dahil sa batas kundi pati na rin ang mga mismong nagpapatakbo ng pamahalaan.

Imbis na tumakbo para sa mga tao ay tumatakbo sila para sa sarili nilang kapakanan,

Kung kaya't lubos ang epekto nito sa pag-unlad ng ating bayan.

II. Hindi lingid sa kaalaman ng lahat na may mali sa mga patakaran,

Ngunit tila bakit lahat ay nagbibingi-bingihan dahil sa takot na sila'y malagay sa kapahamakan?

Sapat bang mulat tayo sa katotohanan?

Dahil wala itong silbi kung mismong mga tao'y walang balak na lumaban.

III. Huwad ang sistema ng ating kinikilalang bansa.

At ang mga aktibistang tanging naglalakas loob lumaban ay pilit ikinukubli sa politika.

Takot ang mga sinungaling sa mga nagsasabi ng totoo,

Kaya takot ang mga politiko sa mga kritiko.

IV. Ang mga taong tinuturing nilang aktibista,

Ang siyang tanging nagsisilbing boses ng masa.

Ngunit paano naman ang iba?

Habang buhay nalang ba tayong magiging mulat ngunit pipi sa dapat sana'y pinaglalaban na tama?

[sif-eya]

Eyes Wide Open (Awareness and Being Educated: Would That Suffice?)

Entry #13: 040722

Contrary to what most peole know, awareness is pretty prevalent already in our society. Sex education in school, political awareness in mass media, body positivity in social media, LGBTQIA  acceptance in our community, racial diversity in movies, and so on and so forth. As someone who is a GenZ, I can say that everything was and still is being spoon-fed onto us ever since we were born up until now that we are already teenagers and will most likely continue 'til we become adults. The cycle goes on and on for as far as we know. But as I think of it, is being aware and educated enough? What's the next step and how do we use those information to create a change in our society? You see, with all the means that we have as of the moment, it is not so hard to educate ourselves about certain things that are "new" or different to what we got used to. Everyone clearly knows that gay people exists, that a person's skin color varies according to where they come from, that a boy has a penis while a girl has a vagina (biologically speaking) and they can use it for reproduction, that some people are born petites while others are naturally curvy, and the loooong list continues for this and that. But what creates a division between people if they're already aware and educated? Simple, it's their own perception of things based on the environment that they grew up in — including their home, school, peers, and workplace. There are a lot of factors to consider and this is more than just opening your eyes to what's currently happening in front of you. People think that being aware and educated is enough but instead of acceptance, tolerance and/or refusal is what they do.

•"Ang daming nabubuntis na kabataan kada taon 'no? Wala nang magagawa, nadisgrasya na eh." (A lot of teenagers get pregnant every year, huh? It already happened, we can't do anything about that) — WRONG. Adults are aware of the concept of sex as well as the methods to achieving safe sex to not get pregnant or get sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)  and teenagers are not new to this, too, as this is being taught in school starting from 5th or 4th grade under Science and Health classes. However, young people tend to suffer from peer pressure. They feel the need to have sex, too, and they think that it's fine since everybody's already doing it anyway. Let's also not forget that there are a lot of cases wherein guys pressure their partners to do "it" with them since they think that being in a relationship means consent to sex, too. And whenever teenagers would like to practice safe sex, they suffer from public humiliation instead. In the Philippines, you have to be at least 18 before you are allowed to buy condoms and you'd even get the stares from the people around you. Since this is a conservative country, your parents would most likely get mad at you, too.

•"Akala mo kung sino, eh nagpalaglag naman 'yan ng bata. Pokpok kasi kaya ayan, nabuntis ng kung sino sino lang." (Who does she think she is when she had an abortion when she got pregnant by some guy that she had sex with? Such a slut) — WRONG. Abortion is healthcare. Why she got an abortion is out of our business. I'm not pro-abortion but a pro-choice instead. There are a lot of reasons why a woman would get an abortion and who are we to judge them for doing it, right? Their body, their choice! If one is not ready to conceive, why should we force them to care for a child that they didn't even want in the first place? "Why have sex then?" — I already said it and will say this again, these people probably don't have access to contraceptives and condoms. Not everyone is as privileged as you are. Stop being so entitled and grow up.

•"Bakla 'yung kapitbahay natin kaya huwag kayong lalapit doon kasi baka mahawa kayo ng kabaklaan niya. Hindi na nahiya sa diyos." (Our neighbor is gay so don't go near them because you might be gay, too. They have no respect to God) — WRONG. Being gay is not a disease and you cannot be "infected" by it. Also, just because someone is gay, doesn't mean that they're disrespecting God. And stop assuming that everyone believes in God because some people don't and you just gotta live with that. You cannot dictate people on who to love just because of your religious beliefs. Do not go around pushing your beliefs down other people's throats because they're just normal people trying to live a normal life. Let us not define people depending on their gender. Statements such as, "You're a man that's why you can't cry", "You're a woman that's why you have to wear skirts", "You're bisexual so you probably already had sex with both boys and girls", "You're pansexual? Why do you dress like that then?", are very offensive even if you're cisgender or not.

These are just some of scenarios that shows how people tend to hate instead of trying to accept and understand other people. Now answer me, why do situations like this still exist despite the majority of the population being aware and educated enough? Because 1) They're afraid to stray away from the belief that was taught to them while growing up. 2) They do not know how to act out according to the information that they now hold. 3) They think that being "okay" with things is the same as "accepting" it. As long as they don't say anything offensive, then they can avoid being labelled as "ignorants". But that's not acceptance, that's tolerance. Instead of just educating people through seminars and the likes, how about we start creating a safe space for people so that they can learn how to gather the courage that they need in order to speak up about what they already know? Let us teach them how to express their emotions in various ways like writing, singing, acting, drawing, painting etc. etc. so that they can influence others to act instead of just being silent. Because how do we expect to see changes if we're so afraid of speaking up against toxic beliefs in our society? Being aware and educated is not enough. We have to ignite the spark in our hearts and stand up for what is right.

[sif-eya]

Pwede Bang Hatiin Ko Nalang Ang Sarili Ko Sa Tatlo? (A Spoken Poetry)

Entry #12: 240622 [070622]

Simula pagkabata ay wala akong ibang ginawa kung hindi ang intindihin kayo. Sabi kasi ng mga magulang na'tin, panganay ako kaya dapat ay magpakumbaba ako. Isa, dalawa, tatlo. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses akong nagparaya sa inyo. Gustuhin ko man o hindi, kailangang pantay-pantay tayong tatlo. 

May mga pagkakataon na hinihiniling kong sana hindi nalang ako ang ate niyo. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay hindi naman ako mabuting ehemplo sa inyo. Pero kada pagtawag niyo sa'kin ng "ate, ate" natutuwa ako. Tila ba tanggap niyo ako sa kabila ng lahat ng pagkukulang ko. 

Alam ko namang hindi ako perpekto ngunit bakit kabaliktaran nito ang ipinapakita ng mga ngiti niyo? Gigisingin niyo ako sa umaga tapos sasabihan ng "Ate, gising ka na. Kain na tayo". Tuwing may problema kayo, ako agad 'yung unang nilalapitan niyo. Ang lalaki niyo na pero umiiyak pa rin kayo sa balikat ko at gusto niyo pa rin na niyayakap ako. Tuwing nahihirapan kayo sa mga gawain niyo, lagi kong naririnig 'yung nga katagang "Ate, tulungan mo naman ako". Tuwing hirap kayo sa pagtulog, tinatanong niyo ako ng "Ate, pwede ko bang hawakan 'yung kamay mo?". Tuwing nagugutom kayo sa hatinggabi, inaasahan ko na agad 'yung "Ate, order tayo sa food panda oh". At kahit pa siguro maubos lahat ng ipon ko, kapag kayo na 'yung nagsabi na gutom kayo, gagawa at gagawa talaga ako ng paraan para lang makakain kayo. 

Ganito siguro talaga 'no? Hindi pa akong tumanda kayo kasi halos ako na 'yung nagpalaki sa inyo. Mas nasanay kayo sa presensya ko kasi kayo lang 'yung meron ako at ako lang 'yung meron kayo. May mga pagkakataon mang naiinis ako sa inyo ay sa tingin niyo ba, matitiis ko talaga kayo? Humihingi ako ng pasensya kasi nitong mga nakaraang araw, naging busy ako. Nawalan ako ng oras para sa inyo. Hindi ko kasing kaya na hatiin 'yung katawan ko sa tatlo pero kung kaya ko, gagawin ko. 

Kailangan kong alagaan si Leisha kasi minsan lang kami magkita. Ang hindi ko alam, napababayaan ko na pala 'yung isa. Hindi kasi kayo pwedeng magsama. Gustuhin man ni Leisha na makita ka, alam kong hindi ganoon ang nararamdaman mo para sa kaniya. Nirerespeto kita. Hindi tayo pareho ng paniniwala. Hindi kita masisisi kung ako, tanggap ko siya pero ikaw, ayaw mo sa kaniya. 

Ayaw kong pilitin ka na gawin 'yung mga na ayaw mo naman talaga. Ayaw kong pilitin ka na tanggapin si Leisha kahit ayaw mo talaga. 

Minsan iniisip ko kung paano ba ako magiging mabuting kapatid sa'yo. Kung papaano ko ba makikita 'yung mga bagay sa perspektibo mo. Pero sinusubukan ko para sa'yo. Asahan mo na iintindihin kita sa abot ng makakaya ko. Bunso ka pa rin sa mga mata ko. Parehas kayong bunso sa magkaibang panig ng pamilya na kinabibilang ko. 

Ang hirap mag-alaga ng mga bata. Hindi pa ako matanda ngunit pakiramdam ko, ako'y may mga anak na. Laging kailangan kong magpaubaya. 

Gutom ka pa? Sa'yo na 'tong pagkain ko kahit gutom pa rin talaga ako.  Pagod ka ba? Hayaan mo, ako nalang maglilinis ng kwarto at maglalaba ng mga kobre kamang ginamit mo.  Nahihiya ka ba? Oh sige, ako nalang ang oorder ng pagkain kahit mahiyain din naman ako.  Naiinitan ka ba? Itutok mo nalang sa'yo 'yung electric fan kahit pawis na pawis na rin ako. 

Ang simple simple 'no? Pero minsan naiinggit ako kasi meron kayong ako para alalayan kayo. Paano naman ako? Kapag gutom ako, may sakit ako, pagod ako, malungkot ako, ako lang din 'yung meron ako. Sanayan nalang siguro. Bumabawi naman kayo sa'kin kahit papaano. 

"Ate, kanina ka pa nagbabasa. Bukas naman ulit, sigurado akong papasa ka." "Ate, nagugutom ka ba? May 50 pa naman ako kaya ililibre kita."  "Ate, nood tayong movie sa computer ni tita."  "Ate, may coke pa ritong natira. Ipinagtabi talaga kita." 

Salamat kasi kahit papaano, naaalala niyo pa rin ako. Mainis man ako, hindi kayo pansinin ng isang buong linggo, at magtampo, kayo pa rin ang uuwian ko. Kayo ang pahinga at tahanan ko. Anuman ang mangyari, ako pa rin ang ate niyo. Hindi ko man kayang hatiin ang sarili ko sa tatlo ay gagawin ko pa rin ang lahat para sa inyo.

[sif-eya]

Gender Stereotypes

Entry #11: 240622 

2 years ago, I remember my mom asking me to shop clothes for my youngest sister. She said that since I'm really into fashion, she's letting me pick the designs for the said clothes. I bought a shorts, a dress, and a coordinate sleeveless top & shorts. The color of the shorts was blue green with a tropical print that came in the shades of green. The next was a yellow backless dress since it was summer while the coordinates came in the color of gold with tiger stripes print in it. I was really excited to give it to my sister. I waited 3 weeks before I was finally able to give it to her. I was certain that she would like it because they all seem very cool and age-appropriate. To my disappointment, my sister cried when she received it and said that they were ugly. I remained calm and asked her why. She answered, "Pang lalake naman 'to eh" (They're for boys). I was honestly dumbfounded and tried explaining to her that not because a piece of clothing is not light colored, it automatically means that it's for boys. Things don't work that way. She shut me off though and told my mom about that issue. I was scolded by my mom when she came home from work. She said that I should've been more understanding of the situation and thought of what my sister would like. In my head, I was like, "But you only gave me 500! That's not enough money". I was sulky for a week not because my sister didn't like it and I got scolded but because I felt like I wasn't doing a good job as her sister. Before my parents separated, they raised me in a gender-neutral environment. I only started viewing things differently when I went to Kindergarten already. As the eldest, I want to continue that way of parenting to my siblings. I want to raise them in a gender-neutral environment. We are already living in the 21st century and gender norms should be ignored. We shouldn't be restricted by colors and types of clothes. Just because something is pink, doesn't mean that it's already for girls and just because something is blue, doesn't mean that it's already for boys. May this be a reminder to all that in the 19th century, things used to be completely different! Pink was seen as a masculine color while blue was seen as a feminine color. So, what can we conclude from this? That it is only the society who influences our way of thinking in general and it is up to us, its citizens, to break away from these or completely change it. Another thing is the issue when it comes to skirts and shorts in boys. These two (2) are gender-fluid clothings but for some reason, skirt in boys were only acceptable in the pre-historic times while shorts are only for pre-teen boys because it has been deemed as inappropriate once they enter the puberty stage. Take the kilt as an example. It is a knee-length men's traditional dress skirt that originated from Scotland. Next would be the measurement of class and elegance in boys. They say that according to the English tradition, trousers are for older boys and men while shorts are only for boys. These stereotypes are one of the main cause of gender-based discrimination in our society. Let us stop putting gender in clothes. All clothes are gender-fluid not until you start categorizing them into this and that. If we continue to just follow these standards, how can we create a society wherein people would be comfortable enough to show who they really are?

[sif-eya]

"Innocence"

Entry #10: 030622

90% of the time, the term 'innocence' is connected to the sexual aspect. Whenever people would tell me that they see me as someone who's innocent and pure, I get so flattered because that must mean that I'm likeable, right? Especially to guys. Because admit it or not, most guys would fall for someone innocent as they are easy to manipulate. They are those who tend to just agree on everything and not argue. Men are known for their ego as they tend to go in competition with each other about being the 'alpha male'. Statistically speaking, men tend to go for those who are younger than them while women tend to go for those who are older than them. Society made us think that this is how things should be but because of that, children, teenagers, and young adults are in higher risks of being a victim of predators. Over the time, I started wishing that people would stop saying that I'm so innocent because for most often than not, that means that they're only attracted to me in a sexual manner. I don't want to be viewed as an object. I am a human, too, and I deserve to be respected. I deserve to feel safe whereever I go. I shouldn't have to worry about being harassed in public just because I'm wearing a skirt, a tight top, pigtails, space buns, or high heels. I kid you not, people, regardless of their gender, tend to stereotype everything. I used to love wearing pigtails even though I'm already a teenager not until some group of grown men started harassing me for it. They're claiming that I'm 'asking for it' because I'm sexualizing myself through my hairstyle of choice. That was an obvious sign of being a child predator. Although as the time goes by, I realized that maybe I'm really 'innocent' but not limited to the sexual aspect alone. I remember when me and my friend, Shaina, went to Calamba 2 days before Christmas last year. I told her that we should go to the grocery store first because I want to buy some candies. When we finally found the isle where the sweets are located, I really started giggling and I could feel my eyes sparkling out of joy. I even started leaping/hopping while I was scanning through the sections. Candies make me feel so happy. I might've looked mature because of how I dressed myself but my actions were totally child-like. Another scenario was when we were walking to the terminal and I looked so lost that's why Shaina ended up holding my hand so that she won't lose me out of her sight. That was the time that I realized that I can be innocent in a general perspective, too. I get easily amused by things and all of that is visible through my eyes as they are really expressive. I still like buying happy meals and opening the toys inside of it. I go for a walk in the middle of the night and whenever I would see an airplane on the sky, I would point at it with my index finger and say, "Halaaa, may eroplano oh. Ang galing" (Look, there's an airplane. That's amazing). I tend to look outside whenever I use public transportation and admire how different the ambiance is in every city. I laugh loudly whenever we would go home to our province and I get to discover a new kind of fish since I'm only used to seeing tilapia, anchovies, and bangus. I even get amazed whenever I would go to my friend's house because they can drink tap water. All of those things make me sound so innocent. I realized that maybe technology played a huge role as to how we view words and perceive its meanings. I am all for sex positivity and would really like people to explore their sexual preferences but I hope that people would also learn how to respect boundaries. Not everything is about sex. Sometimes, we should see things the way that they usually are and not let lust affect our mindset. We should be able to see past through one's facade because if we think of it, we only have 1 Earth to live in. Let's make a society wherein the future generations would be able to live comfortably and think rationally.