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[theonion]

The Onion looks back on 250 years of American exceptionalism. Watch now on youtube.com/theonion.

[theonion]

Shedding light on how technology increasingly shapes everyday life, a study published Thursday by the American Journal Of Sociology revealed that the average American dedicates 97% of their day to retrieving six-digit validation codes. “Our findings suggest that U.S. residents spend roughly 23 hours each day—or 160 hours every week—attempting to log in to online services, being told they need to check their phone for a six-digit code, and then entering that code into the website or app for verification,” said lead researcher Andrew Singh, adding that many Americans have to skip meals and forgo showering in order to find time to read and transfer over the hundreds of codes needed daily to access their medical records, work emails, and food delivery accounts.

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[stahsm]

Overlock Stitch by @clothes_reetzy

[mattpresents]

How do you know you're not Asexual? Maybe you just haven't met the right nobody.

[creativepromptsforwriting]

Pour one out for the stories that we create in that magical time between being awake and being asleep. The stories we continue in our sleeps, but that we forget when morning dawns.

[rawdickulouslywreckless]

[identifying-cars-in-posts]

2019-2021 Jeep Wrangler

[aminoasinine]

[bigtonguebiollante]

This is what the original post used to show. Not sure how it violates community guidelines, but who knows what those even are anymore

[silentbansidh]

😂

[teathattast]

[bizarrepotpourri]

IT SNODE.

[theonion]

With no choice but to suspend the planned outing and await more favorable conditions, NASA announced Wednesday it had delayed a space walk after a heavy snow began to fall in outer space. “Unfortunately, a front has moved into our solar system, causing a severe blizzard that forced us to postpone this morning’s scheduled space walk,” said NASA administrator Bill Nelson, who observed that four to five feet of snow had accumulated across much of the galaxy and that it was “quite blustery out there,” making it too difficult for astronauts to replace a malfunctioning antenna on the International Space Station.

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[mysharona1987]

[theonion]

Lauding the breakthrough as a pivotal moment in the search for stones beyond the solar system, researchers at NASA announced Tuesday the discovery of a distant planet with perfect conditions for sustaining rocks. “After analysis of HD 101581 b’s atmosphere and surface conditions, we are confident this astronomical body meets all known criteria for supporting rocks,” said NASA administrator Jared Isaacman, specifying that the warm, dry atmosphere and presence of elements such as potassium and calcium point to the exoplanet containing an abundance of sand, pebbles, and other key building blocks of rocks.

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[theonion]

[theonion]

In response to legislation that would ban officers from obscuring their identities during arrests and raids, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement confirmed Thursday that beneath their masks, agents do not have faces.

Tom Homan, the U.S. border czar and chief enforcer of President Donald Trump’s immigration policy, warned that Democrats “may get more than they bargained for” with transparency initiatives like the Senate’s VISIBLE Act, because the agency’s more than 20,000 members wear neck gaiters, hats, and sunglasses to cover a terrifying void where their eyes, nose, and mouth should be.

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[theonion]

DHS Warns Any Action By Americans Will Be Treated As Domestic Terrorism

[theonion]

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Stephen Miller

White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller has been the force behind many of President Trump’s hard-line policies, including a “zero tolerance” immigration system, the Muslim ban, and, most recently, threats to annex Greenland. The Onion sat down with the “America First” policymaker to discuss his time in the administration.

[theknightlywolfe]

This is just factually true.

[theonion]

Circulating a new advisory that highlighted what it called the “worst of the worst,” the Department of Homeland Security released a watchlist Friday warning Americans about the presence of mothers driving cars. “Please be on the lookout for the following mothers, who are confirmed to be in possession of dangerous vehicles and should be met with extreme caution,” said DHS Secretary Kristi Noem, who stressed that the women on the list were known caregivers operating inside the United States and cited intelligence gathered by the Department of Justice, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and local Parent Teacher Associations. 

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[silentbansidh]

Satire is often meant to be funny. Sometimes the intent is starkly different.

[probablybadrpgideas]

Status effect: Sad Cow Disease.

Characters affected by this condition have their speech reduced to depressed-sounding moos.

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