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@silentthoughtsatdusk-blog
I grew up with the misconception that if someone treats you wrong you should go on and continue the friendship you’ll be better off they said prove to them you’re different and peace and love will come your way they were wrong I was so drained and I don’t even know whose my real friend these days
-SoniaImelda
Talk is cheap you can plan, say, and dream but you’ve got to take action don’t you want to feel alive darling? it’s time for you to set yourself free
-SoniaImelda
And I hope that as I grow I’ll learn everything that I’m supposed to know I don’t want to leave this earth with a hole in my soul
-SoniaImelda
You can call it quits or you can get right back up from this you’re not alone you’ve got a friend even in the darkest corner know you’re loved and I might not know you but please know I love every single bit of you
-SoniaImelda
She’s just standing there tears rolling down her face feeling so lonely with a million people around her but none of them seem to bring back the light the light you stole when you left that night
-SoniaImelda
Everything you love is here
So I'm just here sitting in my room listening to music and it's already 4 a.m. All I can keep thinking about is my past and my present. I'm an overthinker and I guess you can say I tend to live in my past too much. Anyhow, I can't help but think, man, I was so fucking cool. Not in a cocky way or anything but I was such a happy person and didn't give two fucks about what anyone thought of me. Yeah, I had encountered puppy love before, went through the whole high school drama bullshit, and the list goes on. But, the one thing that stands out the most is that regardless of anything I was at peace. I had my own thing going on. I was always learning, reading, getting into all sorts of different kinds of music, getting to know myself more, and learning how to play instruments. I kept to myself most of the time and did my own thing. I was fine with that. In fact, I was completely blissful. I was dependent. I didn't need anyone or anything to make me happy but myself. Now I've turned into someone I don't even know anymore. It's gotten to the point where I have to indulge myself in work just to sort of satisfy myself. I'm always searching for someone or something to make me happy. I'm so full of anger and regret now it's not even funny. I think it's time for me to find myself again and learn to forgive.
My hands are shaking my heart is aching I need you now I need you here look into my eyes take a glance at my soul do you see the fire ignite? or do you see something cold? when I look into yours I swear, I see the universe I see colors I see earth I see star dust I see it build you I see the light that glows all so beautiful all so magical all so intriguing I can't help but want more take me now take me please..
In that moment it made sense and in that moment none of it made sense it happens once a year it just comes out of the blue and it hits me hard I look back and I just see how much I've changed how much things have changed call it nostalgia but I miss everything I miss every lost friend every good memory and every past love so much romance, passion, love, relationships it all seems so beautiful now that it's nothing but a distant memory.
hey you, I love you I need you You complete me. You destroy me. This mind is filled with thoughts This heart is filled with feelings I long to be with you but when I have you I'm faced with darkness is this the price to pay for love? or is just time for me to give up..
Do you want me? Do you want all of me? Or do you just want the vision you have of me? I can't quite put it together.. How can two beings who love each other bring each other so much misery It's love it's hate it's jealousy it's ownership do you see me as an object? or do you see a mind, soul, a human being..
I can't seem to get myself to sleep tonight. I have so many thoughts in my head. I feel so lonely and distant. I keep thinking about how I'm wasting my life away every day. I need to get back on track and find a better purpose in life. I'm tired of drinking, partying, and smoking. I don't know, I felt like I had so much to write about it but I can't seem to put all my thoughts together.
Lucid Dreaming
I had the greatest dream last night. It started off with me being in a bus station waiting for my bus to arrive. I was going to New York. The choice was odd and I was completely alone. It was cold out and I was wearing a black coat and a gray beanie. My dream is a bit of a blur now but this experience was so incredible especially with all that I'm going through right now that I want to be as detailed as I can be. I guess I show go back a little into what's going on in my life right now. I was in a two and a half year relationship and it was such a beautiful mess. I fell in love and I fell so hard. When she left it was as if though someone had just killed me on the inside. Why does this have to do with my dream? Well, I've been so depressed lately that I try to find any solution possible in order to escape reality. I make so many plans in my head about moving far away from the valley that I guess it just stuck into my head and created this beautiful porter for me to go through and escape it all for a few hours. I even woke happy and with the actual urge to do more than just bum around my house all day. So, now that I got that over with.. back to my dream. As I was waiting there I remember gathering thoughts of fear, lonesomeness, and a sense of freedom. I knew I was dreaming and I took control of the me that was there and did things I possibly wouldn't do in real life. I'm not quite sure how to explain it but I had fun.. I had fun inside a dream and I met people I will never meet in my life other than in my dream but it was all so real. I got into this blue and white bus and took my seat. I looked around and everyone seemed to be spaced out as if they were looking for some sort of direction as well. I also noticed that just about everyone there was around my age which made things so much more comfortable for me. This bus ride was never ending. I eventually began talking to the person that sat next to me. We laughed together and shared personal stories. Unfortunately, my dream is kind of a blur so I forgot names of people and specific conversations. The bus finally came to a stop at some restaurant. My new friend and I got down to have lunch. That's where we met several other people. We made up a group of seven people. We all messed around, threw food at each other, ran around the parking lot, threw snow balls at each other, and most importantly we all shared laughs. I never really speak to people. I'm so shy but here all I wanted to do was talk and I was speaking of things that were true to me and I had control of everything. Being in control of everything that surrounded me felt so good. It felt so right. I suppose I had lost control of my life. Anywho, back on track.. we got back onto the bus and everyone around me didn't seem so dead anymore. People's faces were bright, happy, hopeful, and full of life. I liked being around them. When we finally reached our destination we all decided to stick together. We roamed the streets, made graffiti, went to a concert, we all just hung out and did whatever came to mind. In my dream.. I was happy, I was at peace, I was calm, I was warm, and I was loved by strangers I had just met. I knew what I wanted out of life and I was living my life. I wasn't stuck in a box. I loved my dream. I hope I have a lucid dream again one day.
Letting go..
My head is full of clutter. I can't seem to get a grip on what surrounds me. Coming out of a 2 and a half year relationship has completely broken me down. I suppose, I was already broken. This is pretty much what caused this. I know I fucked up and I admit to my mistakes but I know it wasn't just me and that kind of helps me come to terms with the situation. Being heart broken and letting go is the hardest thing I have ever faced. This is beyond physical pain. In fact, I believe I'd have way more endurance from the worst beating of my life than this. It just alters everything about me. I've been going through so many mood swings. I'm drawn towards drinking and not for fun or for something that would considered normal for someone my age. I'm caught up in this world where all I can think of is her. I drink to forget. I'm stuck on nicotine. I can't seem to let go of the cigarettes. I always find an excuse for why I need to do these things. It sucks. All I can think about is her, what she's doing, if she misses me, is she taking this as badly as I am. I contradict myself when I try to find solutions. I call her mean names in my head and five minutes later I'll keep telling myself that she's madly in love with me too. I'm wearing myself. I get no sleep, but when I do I force myself to sleep even more. I don't want to face the reality of it all. I'd rather be dreaming or so drunk that I can't remember a thing. I get chest pains from where I long for her so deeply. The truth of it all is that I can't even talk to anyone about this anymore. This cycle has been going on too long that people don't even want to listen anymore and when they do they just give me sermons. One thing I can't stand would be the fact that my friends keep trying to get me to hook up with other people. I know how hard it is to get hurt or to be lead on and I wouldn't want to do that to anyone. I'm still hung up on her and I'm afraid this will be the case for a very long time. I need to get out of this clutter. I want to be someone in life. Every waking day though it's just another punch to my chest and I drown myself with thoughts and useless activities.
I'm way in over my head, once again. I honestly don't even know what I'm doing with myself anymore. The thought of being without you isn't as unpleasant as it used to be. I feel a bit more free from you now but your actions still have a hold over me. I can't seem to get myself to trust you. When I hear you speak, I can't help but think, lies lies lies. This isn't healthy and maybe I should just leave. In fact, I know I should. No matter all the effort I put into this, I just won't be happy. I think we're just in love with the image of what we could make each other to be. I don't want to change though. I want to be me. I want to be with someone that wants to be with me not someone that wants to transform me into their perfect other. There's just something about you, something that keeps me returning to that disastrous rode. I need to be a better person from myself and I know you won't let me do that. I know I won't ever feel comfortable around you. We argue all the time and our arguments always consist of not giving each other what we need.
I'm numb. I'm not quite sure how I even feel about this anymore. I can't bare the thought of you being with someone else. I can't imagine you not being in my life. I guess, I've just become so dependent of you. At the same time, I know you're not healthy for me, I'm so unhappy, and unfulfilled. I just need something different in my life. I need a breather. I need out but I still want you next to me. Everything I say lately makes no sense. I'll just shut myself from everyone. Goodbye.
