on being a fictive
my system is all non-introjects and they've wondered before what it's like being one, trying to understand what that means for an introject. lucky for them they don't need to wonder any more ‘cause now i'm here! they've learned a lot since i appeared and i figured i'd share my own perspective in case there's any other systems out there who are wondering the same thing. full thing below the cut.
i guess this can also serve as a kind of introduction.
my name is silver, pronouns are she/her. “silver” is kinda more of a legal name though, a way to talk about me without using my source name to make it clear who we're talking about. nobody in-sys calls me that though, unless we're also talking about the source.
the name you'll know me by is susie.
(for full immersion, listen to this song from deltarune on repeat for the rest of the post)
when my system was curious about introjects before, they put out a post asking some questions about the Introject Experience, which i'll answer too. those questions were:
how do you relate to your source?
how do you relate to your source self?
how do you relate to sourcemates?
if your source self is an antagonist or “bad guy”, does that impact how you view yourself, and if so, how?
“how do you relate to deltarune?”
i see myself as totally separate from deltarune. the best way i've been able to explain it is that i'm an actor, and deltarune is a story i've acted in. there's a lot of me in source susie (sourcie), but she is not me, and i am not her. not completely. in the same way, the events of deltarune aren't anything i've, like, lived through. deltarune is like a footnote in the book that is me.
i also don't have anything like source memories, but i do kind of feel… homesick, for lack of a better word. it feels weird to be here and not there. i never knew kris, but i miss them. or maybe it's more that i wish i had somebody very much like kris as a friend. (slippery slope to forming another fictive, probably!) i need somebody to match my freak. some of the guys in my system kinda do that, but not in the exact ways i need, i guess.
so, complicated feelings. i don't relate to deltarune so hard, but i guess i wish i related to it harder? but also not being tied to my source gives me the freedom to explore who i am, not having to worry about being too close or too far from any idea of what i “should” be.
“how do you relate to deltarune's susie?”
i have kind of a weird relationship with sourcie. i feel pretty similar to her - i'm chaotic, i like to crack jokes, i don't take things too seriously. i dismiss a lot of the good things about me - my energy, my ability to make people laugh and forget about shit for a minute - as “just my source”. it's kinda hard for me to own the good stuff. and a lot of sourcie's bad parts - her mean bully shit from the first chapter, her violent streaks - isn't anything i have. i'm blunt and honest but never, like, obscene or rude for the sake of it. but even then, it all still feels like it's a part of me, even if i haven't ever behaved like that.
i flip flop a lot on who sourcie is to me. one day, i'm an actor who played her. another, she is me, and i am her. one day, she's a piece of fiction. another, she's my identical twin. it's like a reflection in a mirror that's bent or warped - she's me but different, but what difference is there really between me and my reflection? is she the reflection of me? am i the reflection of her?
M - somebody from my system - is endogenic. they were created to serve a particular function, and with a particular aesthetic in mind. but M is so different to who they were originally designed to be that they now look at that person they were before and think of them as a dead person, as somebody completely separate from them who had to be born and then die for M to be here today. i think i feel the same way about sourcie. she's maybe somebody who i was.
one way i'm definitely different to sourcie is that i'm older. sourcie is a teenager, but i'm an adult. i feel more mature than her, like some of her rougher edges have been sanded off. maybe a bit of who she is was lost when that happened, but i still like who i am now. maybe that's why sourcie feels so different, but that doesn't feel like it quite gets all of it. it's something more than just that.
“how do you relate to sourcemates?”
i don't know any sourcemates - nobody else in my system is an introject and this is my first proper post online, so i've not had the chance to meet any. so it's hard to say for sure. but i like to think i'd be good friends with a ralsei and a kris or even another susie. one way to find out, right?
“how does your source self's ‘bad guy’ status affect you?”
i kinda already answered this one in the second answer. sourcie being a bully in the first chapter of deltarune makes me feel… angry? i don't like who she is then, but that's not the version of her i relate to. even still, she's a part of my history. i'm maybe worried i have that part still in me. people in my system would tell me that the fact i'm worried about it should show i'm not like that, but i dunno. i still worry about it.
-------
i think that's everything i wanted to say. i've only been here for a week as i write this, so it's all new to me. i'm glad that i've had this much to say, i guess.
alright thanks for coming to my this
