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almost home
Claire Keane
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
$LAYYYTER

oozey mess

shark vs the universe

❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
TVSTRANGERTHINGS
One Nice Bug Per Day
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
wallacepolsom

Product Placement
dirt enthusiast

⁂

Kaledo Art
sheepfilms

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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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@silverarrowdreamer
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whatever you do don’t think about bilbo summing up fili and kili’s deaths in a single matter of fact line. don’t think about bilbo sitting in his smial with a candle by his side and the blank page before him all those months and years later trying again and again to describe their deaths, to capture their strength and courage and the bottomless loss of their sacrifice. don’t think of him trying night after night to breathe life into the words, to do their vibrance and joy, the sheer brilliance of life they contained, justice in their memory. don’t think of the written words growing shaky as he crumples beneath the weight of grief. don’t think of the countless lines scratched out, the pages ripped out and crumpled up, the numerous revisions coming to nothing. don’t think of him surrendering finally after endless attempts and putting down the bare facts of it like a barren skeleton, knowing that he will never be able to relay the wonder of their lives and the unbearable pain of them being cut so short. knowing that it will be read as two princes heroically sacrificing their lives for their king and not an unbearable loss of two bright souls. hoping no one will ever ask him of the young lost dwarves whose brightness was so unfairly extinguished. wishing anyone would
Can you imagine what living at the edge is like just casually?
You wake up, and already Fishlegs is off in a cave somewhere, almost dying, Snoutlout has accidentally taken Astrid's axe, and she's presently hunting him down across the entire base with a vengeance upon realising he broke it. The twins are either cheering her on or have managed to coat half the base in monstrous Nightmare gel, which is, in fact, not helping the situation at all. Heather is trying to establish any semblance of normalcy by stopping Astrid from killing Snotlout, and finally, Hiccup crashlands in after testing his latest version of the flight suit, smacks a map down on the table like "I KNOW WHERE VIGGO IS, LET'S GET HIM!"
The raw, unmatched power of a bunch of unsupervised 18-20-year-olds without jobs should be feared and admired.
Cars Fanfic Author Problems:
“Wait a minute can they even do this they’re freaking cars”
You start to write something about ears or hands and then you remember like “…oh wait-”
getting anxious about putting human food in a scene so you just say oil to make it less conflicting
C A R H U G S …
“THEY’VE GESTURED WITH THEIR TIRES LIKE TEN TIMES ALREADY DO SOMETHING ELSE YOU STUPID VEHICLES LIKE I LOVE YOU BUT PLEASE MAKE IT EASIER FOR ME”
unsure about how to make a scene more dynamic cause the characters can really only just sit there talking to each other
“IS. LIGHTNING. MCQUEEN. OOC. I SWEAR HE’S OOC IN THIS SCENE”
Or, alternatively: “IS ANYONE IN-CHARACTER IN THIS SCENE OH GOD I DON’T KNOW THIS SERIES AT ALL DO I I’M HORRIBLE”
“wait do they even have windshield wipers”
“how far can they stretch their axles out like arms omg this must read so awkward”
when you have to write Mater’s dialogue and you start to say it out loud in the Larry the Cable Guy voice cause good God how do you write that voice properly (i.e. occasional horrid grammar and/or catchphrases)
*incoherent screaming about car anatomy*
“Okay would McQueen really cry here no he’d hold it in- but wait a second wouldn’t it be more powerful if he broke down here- alright listen up here-”
“OKAY IS IT THE ENGINE OR THE BATTERY THAT’S THE HEART I’M SO CONFUSED AND I’M THE ONE WRITING IT”
i’ve never been more baffled by any single post on this website and i’ve been here for four years
Cars fanfic is a thing which I both somehow knew must exist and at the same time was perfectly happy never acknowledging the existence of.
content-wise, this is the least relatable post i’ve seen in weeks
and yet somehow i feel like i ghostwrote it because op’s frustration at writing is universal
Plus, there’s only one way for those sentient cars to kiss, and it’s the equivalent of shoving two cardboard boxes together. Trust me, you gotta get REAL creative with it.
all beautiful titles. I'd love to hear more about "in your palm lay my violent soul"!
thank you for asking!!!
oddly enough this wip has been in slowww progress since this time last year! I absolutely need to write it, but I lost motivation and then it got lost in the sea of wips but I've retrieved it and will hopefully start writing it again
this is a bagginshield fic! best described with the summary I have already:
The Tooks have always been queer a sort, Bilbo Baggins more so than others. Or, Bilbo Baggins can see ghosts, which wasn’t really an issue in the Shire, where Hobbits died old and happy with no baggage leaving them stuck on Arda. But Thorin Oakenshield can’t leave his burglar alone, even in death.
This really should've been placed in the multichapter portion of that post but technically I have a one-shot of it written so far! I wanted to write a fix-it sort of fic but also explore the darker vibes that the Hobbit does not really have (but can be read in subtext I suppose) (like Bilbo sanitizing large portions of his story for Frodo and the others). And then I also wanted to explore the line of Tooks having this weird ability to see + speak to the dead and how that would impact Bilbo who has seen so much death along his journey. Also, I think it would be really cool to write Thorin as a spirit because he would most certainly lose the brooding-king-without-a-mountain vibe and just go full "what the absolute fuck, Bilbo help!!"
anyway! here is a snippet!! ^_^
The first ghost he saw on the road sat mangled beside the path they rode on. It had been a few, trembling days, sat atop a pony angled just wrong enough to cause an ache in his nethers, and rained on so much Bilbo thought his ears had begun to grow moldy. Yet, the morning was sweet that day, the rain tempting but not coming down, the company was quiet–Bilbo’s solace–and the mud not too deep to force his ride to slip. His eyes traced the tree line, the same pines and green grass that he knew around these parts. Though the Shire’s borders were far behind, the flora and fauna of home grew deep–and far. Bilbo saw the spirit in the alcove of a tree–appearing to try to hide although his aura was brighter than the bark. For a second, Bilbo thought him an owl, sat deep in the wood with frighteningly white feathers and clear blue eyes. The spirit stared. Bilbo stared back. A bark from Thorin made him realize he had pulled Tod’s–this was the pony’s name– reins and paused them both in place, Tod’s hooves slowly dipping into the mud like a honeycomb in molasses. The spirit blinked once, Bilbo caught that the side of his face had split in two, and what remained was stuck in a half-dazed, half-terrified facade. He nodded once, as though he was Bilbo’s old friend and reached out one spindly, white hand. Bilbo had expected it to be bony, skeletal. But the white was his own glow–his hand still fleshed out as it had been in life. Only now like a puff of smoke, the winged claw of a tree spirit. Tod pulled up from the mud, rearing back with a high-pitched squeal. Bilbo slid back, bumping into the tail and catching on the bags the pony carried. He pitched backwards, landing hard in the mud. When he stood up the spirit had closed its eyes and fell asleep back into the tree. His aura as dim as a flickering candle, the white snuffed out by the overwhelming green and the mud dripping slowly into his eyes. Bofur plucked Bilbo from the ground and set him back onto Tod with a sharp laugh and friendly smack to his reddening cheek. The company had laughed off his misfortune that night. The fire a golden soothe to his brightly colored embarrassment. Yet, in that moment Bilbo watched Thorin’s suspicions rise. The dwarf king had leaned into Dwalin’s side, whispered something Bilbo could only guess was cruel, and furrowed his brow once more. From then on, Bilbo swore to hide his gift, just as he had been, but with far more vigour. If only to stop Thorin from looking at him like that.
wip filename game
you know what. sansukh is canon To Me. the ghost of thorin oakenshield plus 3-4 other miscellaneous dwarves are all crowding up the frame alongside the rest of LOTR’s ensemble cast. they’re whispering to each other about the implications of a certain mithril shirt.
Bagginshield prompt. Little Frodo meets Thorin.
Thorin is terrified because there's a little pebble looking up at him and he looks so tiny and skinny and maybe if he hugs him or holds his hand the faunt would be hurt, and he's just spiraling on what to do
But frodo is like: your hair is long.
Thorin: ... Yes it is
Frodo: and you have hair on your face.
Thorin: a beard, yes.
Frodo: do you like having one?
Thorin: i do. It's important for my culture.
Frodo: what culture is that.
Thorin: ... I'm a dwarf.
Frodo: neat
*There's the sound of someone stepping on leaves and a faunt is hanging from the window*
Sam: MISTER FRODO! *The faunt tris to whisper but it's an actual yell through hissing sounds* ASK HIM IF HE KNOWS ANY ELVES.
Frodo: *nods towards Sam then turns back to Thorin* do you, mayhaps, know any elves.
Bilbo: oh dear
Today in “Let's expose how hard Thorin fell for Bilbo”
In AUJ after the iconic hug between Thorin and Bilbo
That hug, Bilbo starts talking how he's not a hero and how he doesn't believe in himself since the beginning and everyone it's listening to him
Like everyone but specially Thorin, well, in that moment the eagles take fly and everyone take their looks to them
But, you know who doesn't see them?
YES, THE KING UNDER THE FUCKING MOUNTAIN
If you see that scene there are 10 seconds since the eagles take fly and they look at the mountain, and in that 10 SECONDS THORIN DOESN'T TAKE HIS EYES OFF BILBO
He only take it off when he sees the mountain
There, and Bilbo sense it, he knows that Thorin it's looking at him bc in the moment he stops starring he knows that something else catch his attention
But, I mean, THERE IS A LOT AMOUNT OF EAGLES OF MANWHE FLYING AROUND AND THE ONLY PERSON THAT DOESN'T FEEL THE JOURNEY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THEM BECAUSE HIS BURGLAR IT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAT THE FUCKING GIANTS EAGLES
And if you don't believe me
There's the proof that only Thorin was starring at him
And if that wasn't enough, he start to flirt with him just after that
Thorin is the picture of a river of emotions about to explote and Bilbo the one who underestimate his value and doesn't see that his king look at him like the most precious gem
They are fucking soulmates
Thorin makes a big show of running up the hill and looking out on Dale, only to turn around like a dork when he realizes Bilbo has just caught up.
And just in case you missed it, here it is again, slowed down.
He looks RIGHT AT HIM and turns around to survey the scene he just surveyed. My work here is done. The gif speaks for itself.
Thorin: Okay the moment has passed let's go.
Bilbo: It's beautiful
Thorin: You are so right
Letters To a Made Up Lover, Bagginshield Idea
Bungo and Belladonna approach Bilbo one day. They start discussing how he has never gone to the singles parties and they supported it but are still worried for his happiness and as Lobelia has convinced her parents to push for an arranged match between her and Bilbo, they rather encourage it.
For awhile he's shocked silent. Bilbo who is a few years past freshly of age and has never liked Lobelia decides he better find a way out of it and his only thought is that his parents would prioritize a love match like theirs. So he finds himself blurting out a fake story of finding his love on a recent trip to Bree. Poor Bilbo realizes his mistake way to late when he sees his parents relief and joy. Soon his mother is making tea and insisting he sit and tell them all about it. When he is questioned about the details he says it was a handsome dwarf named Thorin with black hair and blue eyes. (I'm thinking Bilbo is a known scholar who gets information from all over so he had been reading some Dwarven history or current letters on the political climate in Erebor, which is not good, or something is where he got the name and description).
Belladonna delightedly insisted he write to his beau and as he couldn't see a way out, Bilbo did.
He wrote a simple address: Thorin, Ered Luin
Bilbo almost wished he hadn't gotten new stationary for his last birthday as the envelopes were embossed with his return address and for such a humiliating thing he would have rather remained as anonymous as possible.
*
To The Definitely Real And Not Made Up Thorin,
If anyone actually reads this letter I shall be most embarrassed. I suppose I should introduce myself, my name is Bilbo and I am a hobbit. You see I am reaching an age where my parents are concerned for my future happiness as they put it. I have no spouse or intended and a truly nightmarish situation was brought to me because of this.
There has been a girl, Lobelia, who has harassed me since childhood. She is in love with Bag End and has declared many times that she will do whatever it takes to make it hers. Those are also simply not her only flaws. Suffice to say I would be happier if I never had to be within walking distance to her again. Therein lies my predicament, she has asked her mother, who so happens to be a great friend of my mother, to formally arrange a marriage between us. I simply could not stomach the thought and blurted out the first thing that came to mind. I told my parents that on my last trip to Bree I found myself a love.
Admittedly it was not my most well thought out plan as I soon discovered when my mother delightedly questioned me for details for hours. Just so you are aware, our first meeting was when I slipped trying to climb off a stool at the bar and you happened to be right there to catch me. We gazed into each-others eyes for however long is considered romantic and then you asked me to join you for pint. I of course accepted since you are an exceptionally handsome dwarf with black hair like the night and blue eyes like forget me nots (I may have also said you were exceptionally tall and had very muscular arms, mother was delighted with those details).
I thought that would be the end but no, it soon spread to the whole village that I had a dashing dwarven sweetheart. I have told far to many nosy neighbors that it was love at first sight, that we spent the whole week together, and now I am being forced to write and mail letters to a very made up dwarven boyfriend. I have no idea how I will dig myself out of this hole. Will I have to write return letters and try to mail them from somewhere else? If I don't get any letters will they make me marry Lobelia or can I say I'm too heartbroken?
If someone is reading this I'm sure you are having a good laugh. My hope is that it just gets tossed in a fire somewhere when they can't find the recipient.
Your Beloved (fake) Beau Bilbo
*
What I thought for the rest of the story is that Bilbo was telling the truth about Thorin catching him falling off the stool since drink and heights don't make for good balance, and the long stare and handsome dwarf, Bilbo just didn't actually realize it was Thorin. So the letters go on, a couple a week just talking about all sorts of things, Bilbo starts using them as almost a diary. Sometimes he even talks about what things he'd like to do to Thorin or get done to him in the bedroom. But of course he still thinks Thorin is fake but also no harm in fantasizing about that handsome dwarf he based his lie off of right?
Anyway a few months in, cause I imagine it would take a couple weeks to months for the letters to arrive even in one direction, they get a damaged letter that they can make out B on it and know it came from Ered Luin. Bilbo gets it and the legible parts of the letter paint a bad picture of Ered Luin being under attack by goblins. It leads to a shire wide meeting with the Thain leading it discussing helping Bilbo's love. They decide to contact the rangers and send some bounders along as well as healing supplies and preserved food. Bilbo just assumes the letter was supposed to go to Bree or somewhere to request aid.
He keeps sending letters but never gets another back. No one is suspicious because of the war with the goblins.
Then one day there is a knock on the door and Bella excitedly yells for Bilbo. He comes out from his study and there in the door is the dwarf from Bree. Also a good bit of dwarves behind him. Thorin says who he is and Bilbo is so shocked he faints and Thorin catches him. Bella welcomes them all in and Thorin puts Bilbo in a chair while Bungo gets the smelling salts. Bella makes tea and grabs snacks and settles everyone in before asking Thorin a million and one questions. He eventually admits that they need aid. He has his company who are all here and about 50 other dwarves, mothers and children and the sick or injured and they need a place to stay to overwinter before traveling to Erebor. Of course Bella and Bungo get on it immediately, contacting neighbors, finding rooms and tents and setting a large celebratory potluck since Bilbo's Thorin had survived and was here.
Bilbo and Thorin get married because Bilbo does not want Lobelia and does not want to have to admit to the entire shire he's been fibbing to them for like a year or more (also he desperately wants to get his hands all over Thorin) and Thorin really needs the marriage to make sure his people are safe over the winter and because of the political climate back in Erebor it would look better if he came back married to a love match.
The idea for why Thorin is traveling to Ered Luin is that Thror is getting way to violent and Thrain has decided/realized that the only way to protect his family and Erebor is to kill his father. He want's no blame to be placed on his children so he sends Thorin, Dis, Frerin, Fili, Kili, and the others that Thorin picked, which at this point would be the company minus the Urs since they are from Ered Luin. He just says they need to check in on their clan there but then the goblins happen.
Thorin has been entranced since the first letter. He remembered meeting a hobbit just the same way as described and how cute he was so he hopes that's the mysterious Bilbo. He reads bits out loud to his company when things are down, not about the lies but just things that Bilbo talks about happening, and about Lobelia. So literally everyone besides Thorin and Bilbo think this is a whirlwind romance soulmate love match. Of course they do end up actually loving each other.
the dweeb in me likes to dream of a way to make anything and everything I consume more dragon centered and the Hobbit is no different.
Everything is the same up and until Bilbo wakes the sleeping Smaug. Smaug is, as before, entirely too smug about himself and unconcerned about the hobbit tripping over himself through his hoard. That is, until Bilbo gets closer. His little hand touching the tip of Smaug's snout to brace himself before he fell once more.
A burst of light. The world spins for the both of them. A sudden symphony, a cataclysmic crescendo overwhelms their senses and suddenly nothing is the same. Bilbo and Smaug are suddenly and irreversibly connected.
There were stories Bilbo had heard in his childhood of dragon riders of old. A dragon would only have one chosen rider, one perfect match for their soul. Some dragons spent centuries looking for this matching half, but that was before the dragons removed themselves from the rest of the world, save to pillage and roost with their hoards.
Bilbo feels more powerful than he ever could have imagined. Like he could climb to Erebor's peak with no harness.
Smaug is blinking his large serpent eyes, feeling the array of Bilbo’s emotions wash over him in a blur.
The dragon suddenly rears up, intending to eat the thrice-cursed burglar and be done with it, but he is perplexed to find that he cannot do it. His instinctual drive is to protect, but it wasn't the same kind of fiendish, covetous desire he held for his hoard of treasure.
When the dwarves rushed in, armed to the teeth and hollering at the top of their lungs, Smaug wrapped his tail about Bilbo and drew him close to his belly with a ferocious roar.
After much explaining, Thorin is still red in the face with how angry he feels. He felt it was his right to kill the disgusting, blackened fiend who made a nest out of his ancestral halls... but when he said as much it was not the dragon's growl that swayed him. It was the unique look of true distress that Thorin had never seen on Bilbo’s face before. As if Thorin had threatened to kill Bilbo himself, rather than the dragon.
So the dwarves reluctantly agree to not kill the dragon (not yet, anyway, thinks Thorin), on the grounds that Smaug allow Bilbo to return to Laketown with them. Thorin saw it as a test, for he truly believed the dragon wished to add Bilbo to his hoard.
As they leave, Bilbo's shoulders jump when he hears Smaug in his mind.
'Your dwarf king holds great affection for you. I can smell it on him.'
With great humiliation, Bilbo fails to stop his affection for Thorin bleed across the mental connection he feels to Smaug. Every stolen glance, every time Thorin made Bilbo’s heart race. Endless layers of Thorin, his hair wet after a bath or him laughing in the sunlight or brooding over a campfire...
'We can cross that bridge later,' Bilbo tries to impress back into his mind, but he hears no further response from the dragon so he can't tell if he was heard.
Then he swears he hears a rumble. Something like a dragon's laughter.
It just came to my mind a scenario where, for whatever fucking reason, Bard comes to visit Bilbo in the shire, and gets to see Frodo.
I imagine he looks at the little hobbit, at his raven dark curls, those impressive baby blue eyes and that rare, but bright as the sun smile. He looks at him intensely, then turns to Bilbo, completely serious, and says
"If I had knew that Hobbits could get pregnant, I wouldn't have let you and Thorin share a damn room. You better tell me this one wasn't conceived with my kids in the same house- "
It’s the fact that when Thorin was being corrupted by dragon sickness that literally made him crazy with greed and paranoia, but STILL trusted a man he met a year ago more than men he’s known for at least a century, says a lot
Anyways just watch all three hobbit movies for the first time, and wow do I get the hype
Just a reminder that Bilbo wrote The Hobbit. Bilbo could say whatever the fuck he liked. Bilbo could definitely say Thorin died in the battle if he wanted all the nosy people to leave him and his husband alone.
You cannot. Hide this. In the tags 🤣
#alternatively how do we even know there was a battle?#bilbo watching the orc armies get buried under a random landside: ...yeah we're going to have to come up with something better than this#the dragon didn't actually burn down laketown there was actually an unfortunate cooking accident#thranduil reading over bilbo's shoulder: make sure i come across as absolutely amazing#bard: can i talk to birds?#thorin: can we skip over the part where we got so lost we ended up in gondor for like a week#bilbo: thorin that's like half the quest#thorin: please#bilbo: ...fine. you're lucky i love you#the dwarves were actually partying with the elves in mirkwood#but then they got super drunk and fell asleep in the barrels#and the elves accidentally shipped them downriver#bilbo: i'm going to have to change most of your names so they all rhyme because otherwise no one is going to be able to remember them all#legolas: can you just... write me out? i'll appear in your movies to up your cool factor#bilbo totally upping his own suffering the whole time to make people feel bad for him#gandalf: why am i missing half the time?#bilbo: ...yeah to be honest i forgot you were there for like three chapters#so it was easier to pretend you ran off and write two paragraphs about that than go back and put you in those chapters#bilbo writing the gollum chapter: i outsmarted him and played this whole game with him#also bilbo: what actually happened? oh i bitch slapped the shit out of that thing and then ran the other way#i got that invisibility ring thingy when it got stuck in my hair after i tripped and fell on my way out#this becomes the biggest prank in middle earth's history#dwalin: thorin what are you doing#thorin lying on his back on a stone slab with his sword and the shiny rock that bilbo insisted they make up a whole backstory for: i'm dead#thranduil sitting in his husband's lap drinking wine: and then i threw them in the dungeons because i got sick of dealing with them#dain: i don't know what's going on but for some reason i'm king now#anyway the point is bilbo is a lying liar who lies
another angst thought that won't leave my brain: dwobbit frodo au, but canon compliant (aka thorin died in BOFA)
genuinely warning: this is quite angsty!! im putting under the cut so you can escape now while you can!!
reshirement with some pleasant company
oh Frodo…