The Ghost of the Heart

Simon "Ghost" Riley // 23 // I work in IT // No, I won't fix your PC for free // I use this blog as a personal safe, something to write down my thoughts, a place outside my head // Asperger's Syndrome (form of autism) // AbsoluteUnit™

[demigodgooglesearches]

“too young to be a 90s kid but close” aesthetic:

-nyan cat, llams with hats

-owls. everybody loves owls–

-minecraft before the jungle biome. minecraft hunger game servers.

-slap bracelets

-long sleves under tank tops…jean skirts with… leggings…. dc shoes… shell shoes…

those 60 seconds multiplication tables. the big blocks with 100 squares, but the strips of ten squares, the single squares? also shape wooden blocks. yellow hexagons, green triangles, blue diamonds, youd make pictures with them.

-morning circle. playing 7 up at school. FOUR CORNERS

-u knew the cookout was lit when they had huggies those juice barrel drinks that u bite the top foil

-sillybands

-nintendogs on your grey ds plus cooking mama

-remembering vaguely having to use a cd player as a kid, then an mp3, than an ipod-

-zebra. print. everything.

-japanese erasers

-duct tape purses

-the justin bieber sounds like a girl debate

-yo danny phantom hE wAS JUST 14

-shark boy and lava girl. sky high. stewart little. minutemen. halloweentown. the thirteenth year (mermaid). smart house. spy kids. twitches. princess protection program (bonus points if you watched it live and counted how many times they said princess). lemonade mouth.

-staying up late enough to see george lopez start to play

- “mom how do you spell cartoonnetwork whats the website”

- that weird fosters home for imaginary friends mmo

- fucking TOONTOWN

- “disney!! three six five!!!!!”

- microsoft paint created MASTERPIECES

- was… was kidpix a thing

-bill nye the science guy and liberty kids

-alvin and the chipmunks covers.

- school store! get me a pencil grip for a quarter.

-crimp your hair bitch… or straighten it. or clip in feathers. or strands of dye-

-bakugan and tech decks

-wheezers ‘beverly hills’ on the playground. we will rock you on the bus.

-camp rock. highschool musical. epic disney crossovers.

-if you didnt have a blog on blogspot.com you weren’t shit (with the extension where you could feed the fish)

-lisa frank folders or those folders with close up of dogs and cat faces

-having to learn the fucking recorder. hot crossed buns… hOt croSssED BUNS,,,,

-did anyone play that weird wizard typing quest

-SMENCILS

-clUb PENGUIN. wizard 101. pirates of the carribean online. webkinz.

-everything is not what it seems when u can get all you wanted in ur wildest dreams

-popular snacks at snack time,,,: gritz, gogurt, fruit roll ups tongue tattoos, zebra cakes, cheese dip crackers, those cookie crackers where u took the red stick and spread it… gushers

-in the wee hours of the night you could hear… hear the chia pets taunting you

-orbeez. monster gummies. hotwheels beat that. fur real friends. pillow pets. littlest pet shop. yugioh. bop it. floam. tamagotchis.

-iDog

-HAVING THE KICKASS SCOOTER THENN KNOCKING UR FUCKING KNEES OFF WITH IT FUCK THAT SHIT

- “HERE I AM IN UR LIFE… HERE U ARE IN MINE… YEAH WE GOT THE SWEET LIFE… MOSTT OF THE TIME”

-underdog. undeRDOG. UNDERDOG!

-when you were playing on the ps2 and u fucking lost the fucking MEMORY CARD

-SPYRO

-playing gta the one where the guy wears the blue shirt (liberty city? ) with the sound off… memorizing cheat codes… square circle square-

-the fucking wii… making miis for literally everyone in ur class and sending the ones you didnt like to the parade

-slap slap slap… clap clap clap… SLAP SLAP SLAP…. CLAP CLAP CLAP (i.e 3… 2… 1… BLAST OFF from here to the stars,)

-when the teacher rolled out the elmo projector and those transparent plastic papers

-megan, MEGAN! (i.e i ran over oprah…..)

-the dell computers took over

-bruh message me on msn… then skype

-making a facebook page. liking all the fucking dumb facebook pages you could

-pokemon

-Z̵͖͂Ô̶̘Ö̴͔́. ̵͉͊Z̷̭̊O̷̻͒Ô̸̟ ̴̛̞Z̸̭̕Ȏ̸̗O̴͎̊ ̴̡͑. P̵̧̈Ȃ̷͖L̴̞̚S̶̰̐

-okay those weird ass beads u always got for Christmas that you had to iron to make shapes

-the fortune tellers… pick a color… blue? okay b-l-u-e. OK now pick a number… ok ur gonna marry lindsay lohan and have 80 kids

-WHAT YHR FUCK ARE THOSE GHOST THEMED CEREALS CALLED??? BOOBERRY??? AH SHIT

-team edward vs team jacob determined your survival

-thE yEar tHree THOusAnD

-black eyed peas

-fucking angry birds and flappy bird murdered everyone

-HEELYS OH DEAR GOD HEELYS I ALMOST FELL AND SLIPPED INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION

-that rabits game… let them go to the moon

-THE PS2 SOUND UP NOISE. THE DOOOOOOOSH

-every dvd had that coming soon bullshit

-stealing ur cousins gameboy

-Sugar. Spice. And everything nice.

-that fucking monkey at some of some fucking tv shows what the fuck was that fucking- hi im paul,,

-asdf videos! (desmond the moon bear.. i like trians)

-if you didnt flip ur shit everytime u saw a yellow car and yell BUMBLEBEE

-when the phone rings in school “THE PHONE… THE PHONE IS RI N G ING”

-“WAZZZZUUPPP!!” “WHAZZAAAAHHP!!”

-kidz bop. wholet the dogs out… who who? who?

-We all want to forget …. annoying orange and fred but god wont let us..

-MY SHINY Teeth and ME.

-that weird ass spongebob half time episode where theyre in the dome… or the spongebob episode with wormy… or the spongebob episode with the hooks (dont touch the hooks) or david hasslehof in the spongebob episode…

-invader zim

-FLAPJACK THAT FUCKING NIGHTMARE SHOW. And chowder. Coraline gave me NIGHTMARES fuck!

- I LIke to move it move it…

-POPTROPICA

-where the sidewalk ends from the school library… with goosebumps and diary of a whimpy kid.. BOOK FAIRS

-leapfrog

-THOSE GYM SCOOTERS. FOUR SQUARE. KICKBALL. THE PARACHUTE THING.

-no one knew how to use a fucking green screen

-🎶 we the peoplee… in order to form a more perfect union…🎶 conjunction junction whats ur function 🎶 puff the magic dragon 🎶

THERES A HUNDRED AND FOUR DAYS OF SUMMER VACATION-

the original teen titans

teach me how to dougie. soldier boy. the hoedown throwdown. the hannah montana movie 3d they were giving 3d glasses away literally in walmart

[lupavespera]

WHO THE FUCK GAVE U THE RIGHT TO GIVE ME THESE FLASHBACKS!!!!!!!!!

[secretlesbiancommunication]

I wanna run my hands through a girl’s hair so fucking bad

[simon141riley]

Same, even if not a lesbian or female

[some-creep]

[simon141riley]

Make me

[chroniczombiegf-archive-deactiv]

ah, yes,,, my 3 alignments,,,,

[excalibelle]

me watching monsters inc as a kid: how did it take so long for anyone to figure out that human child laughter not only produced energy like screams, but was more effective, and that children aren’t actually dangerous at all?

me watching monsters inc now: monsters incorporated, a multi-billion dollar corporate giant, stood to make extra profits off a scream shortage because low supply with high demand makes it possible to charge a fortune for a necessary commodity and everyone has no choice but to pay the high prices because they can’t go without electricity. Therefore Monsters Inc, as well as any other major powers that may have existed at the start of the era of using scream energy, fabricated the idea that only screams could generate sustainable energy sources in order to create artificial scarcity, because laugh energy was far easier to obtain and far more efficient, and therefore stood to lower the value of energy due to surplus. They also fabricated the idea that human children were toxic, in order to a) make other monsters too afraid to go near them to do research and possibly discover the secret of laugh energy, and b) to make monsters so afraid of going near them that there is a shortage of scarers, making it harder for rival companies to rise up and create competition. Even in the monster world, capitalism is based on lies, greed and cruelty, and even monster companies have no qualms about using and abusing children to maximize profits.

[left-reminders]

[mannysiege]

Progress

[briadeluxe-deactivated20161205]

What

[platredeparis-blog]

Imma just let this sit here

[carryoncrowsblog-deactivated202]

MOTHA FUCKIN SCIENCE

[yaaaskuza]

sources:

Engagdget

DailyTech

CBS

[gehayi]

They turned RNA into an anti-virus program. That is amazing.

[allthingshyper]

Let me restate this in case it didn’t sink in the first time

Researchers physically DELETED ALL TRACES of the HIV virus from a human cell.

ALL OF IT.

IF YOU ARE NOT EXCITED ABOUT THAT I DON’T THINK YOU KNOW WHAT HIV IS

[oaluz]

Usually we imagine that true love will be intensely pleasurable and romantic, full of love and light. In truth, true love is all about work. The poet Rainer Maria Rilke wisely observed: “Like so much else, people have also misunderstood the place of love in my life, they have made it into play and pleasure because they thought that play and pleasure was more blissful than work; but there is nothing happier than work, and love, just because it is the extreme happiness, can be nothing else but work …” The essence of true love is mutual recognition – two individuals seeing each other as they really are. We all know that the usual approach is to meet someone we like and put our best self forward, or even at times a false self, one we believe will be more appealing to the person we want to attract. When our real self appears in its entirety, when the good behaviour becomes too much to maintain or the masks are taken away, disappointment comes. All too often individuals feel, after the fact – when feelings are hurt and hearts are broken – that it was a case of mistaken identity, that the loved one is a stranger. They saw what they wanted to see rather than what was really there.

True love is a different story. When it happens, individuals usually feel in touch with each other’s core identity. Embarking on such a relationship is frightening precisely because we feel there is no place to hide. We are known. All the ecstasy that we feel emerges as this love nurtures us and challenges us to grow and transform. Describing true love, Eric Butterworth writes: “True love is a peculiar kind of insight through which we see the wholeness which the person is – at the same time totally accepting the level on which he now expresses himself – without any delusion that the potential is a present reality. True love accepts the person who now is without qualifications, but with a sincere and unwavering commitment to help him achieve his goals of self-unfoldment – which we may see better than he does.” Most of the time, we think that love means just accepting the other person as they are. Who among us has not learned the hard way that we cannot change someone, mold them and make them into the ideal beloved we might want them to be. Yet when we commit to true love, we are committed to being changed, to being acted upon by the beloved in a way that enables us to be more fully self-actualised. This commitment to change is chosen. It happens by mutual agreement. Again and again in conversations the most common vision of true love I have heard shared was one that declared it to be “unconditional.” True love is unconditional, but to truly flourish it requires an ongoing commitment to constructive struggle and change.

bell hooks, All About Love: New Visions

[greelin]

$50,000 immediately dropped into my bank account wouldn't improve EVERYTHING but boy it sure would be a grand, sexy little start to a good, happy life path, don't you think

[meilintheempressofdreams]

Reblog for unexpected $$$ dropping into your Bank account.

[hoodnearthy]

yes.

[simon141riley]

Day 365/365/320

Welp. I did it. A full year of daily updates, pain, heartbreak, and all.

I know most people wouldn’t commit to such a thing, but I stuck it out. I do appreciate those who read and kept up with me throughout the year.

2018 was an interesting year. Went from a quasi-relationship to single again, but I have grown a lot in that time span. I’ve done a lot of things, including Wood Badge Training, serving in my church as the Sound Guy, attending my grandfather’s funeral, and overall having a good, healthy relationship with friends. There were rough spots, sure, but what road of Life is without them?

I’m making 2019 my year. This is the year I get shit done. I get my life back on track, I get my size down several notches (even if it means breaking bones for once in my life), and I get my college degree so I don’t have to keep taking courses and join the workforce like everyone else.

As of this post, I will not be updating my life here on Tumblr. Many have jumped ship, and I want to see this website crash and burn to make corporations realize that they are the ones providing the service and rely on users to view ads to generate income, but since most of the pr0n has been hidden, most users are gone. Less users = less people to view ads = less income = crash and burn (at some point).

So, with that, I say that I am moving my stuff to WordPress. My posts won’t start until the end of New Year’s, as most of these posts have been updated right before I go to bed.

With this, I leave this to be my final post by me on this site. I will still reblog stuff that I find funny or relevant, but I won’t be posting as me anymore. I will only continue to use this website because I have AdBlock, so fuck you advertisers, I don’t want ya damn shit in my face. Can’t do that on mobile, but I don’t use mobile that often.

I love you all very much, and appreciate you staying with me through another chapter of my life. If you wish to continue following me in my journey through life, my link is in this post.

May 2019 be your year as I hope to make it mine.

[simon141riley]

Day 364/365/319

Almost finished with this year. One hell of a rollercoaster.

I still haven't done my training for work. Allow me to scream for 10 hours.

Today was a very chill day. No stress about doing things or going anywhere. Felt a bit weird for me.

Having a party tomorrow night. It will also be the last update in this fashion that I do for this website. I'm not deactivating my account, and I'll only reblog what I deem important or funny. I want to see this place crash and burn, funny enough.

I will let you guys know what website to hit next if you wish to continue following my adventure through life.

I never meant to be this open of a book for you guys, nor have someone read me like one. Feels different, but it feels freeing for some reason.

[simon141riley]

Day 363/365/318

Forgot to update last night. Had relatives come in, had lunch and dinner, along with social time. I wasn't much for socializing, but we still had a good time.

I don't have much else to say.

[simon141riley]

Day 362/365/317

Boring day. Stay home, play games, run errands, play more games, eat somewhere in the middle of all that, then sleep after updating with this post here.

[edgebug]

cat sounds, rated

mrow?: inquisitive. timeless. succinct and to the point. 8/10

purr: is there anything better? 10/10

silent judgement: not a cat sound. does not count. 0/10

mow-wow-wow!: exuberant. joyful. a frank delight. you should be so lucky as to hear this cat sound on a regular basis. 9/10

AAAAAAAA: obnoxious. loud. why is my tiny bastard screaming? 3/10

rrrrrrrrrrrrr!: your cat is angry. this is a bad cat sound, but ultimately necessary so that you understand their displeasure. 5/10

mrrrp: cat activation noise. melodic. flawless vibrato. short and sweet. 9/10

the classic yodel: everyone loves a good yodel. shows off your cat’s vocal range. emotional. plaintive yet hopeful. showstopping. 8.5/10

the classic yodel after 1 AM: no!!!!!!!! -10000/10

[simon141riley]

Day 361/365/316

Today was chill. Ran a few errands, got new license plates. Eh, didn't really have an attachment to my old ones, but it's gonna be weird trying to find my car with my new plates where I expect my old ones.

My right eye has been acting funky. Don't know why.

Loneliness is eating me again. I should be used to it, but I'm not.

[simon141riley]

Day 360/365/315

Holy shitballs, I have had a fun-filled campaign session for D&D today. Damn, I love this campaign.

Other than that, I’m socialed out. Done with people for a while.

Not much else to tell about today, apart from some out of context quotes. Perhaps I’ll make a separate post about that eventually.

[simon141riley]

Day 359/365/314

Merry Christmas to all, and to those of different religions, I say Happy Hannukah and Happy Kwanza. To those religions that celebrate Christmas in a different fashion, I say Happy Holidays. To those fannytroubled about my way of saying these things, I say to go fuck yourself because that’s the only action you’re probably getting this holiday season.

Christmas was quiet for me today. Mostly gaming, but a few chores here and there, as well as meals with the family. I have a friend staying over tonight because he is not a morning person, and does not wish to drive to my house to come play D&D early in the morning.

It feels weird not going to work this week, but at the same time, when do I get a break from work apart from Fridays?

My heart is always going to hurt reading these blogs about relationships and cute stuff, but I have seen multiple visions come together that I have had over the past few months. This means we are on the right timeline. It does sadden me to say that perhaps in this timeline, I don’t find love again.

It is possible to die of a broken heart. I hope mine holds out for my wife.

[aspergersprincess]

Auditory Processing Problems

• *someone says something* “what?” *repeats themselves* “sorry?” *repeats themselves again* “pardon?”

•"hey, y'see the red thing at the top of the shelf, will you get it?“ “Sorry, what?” “On the sh-” “oh yeah sure, I’ll get it.”

•*doesn’t hear teacher because someone’s pen is making a scratchy sound at the back of the room*

•*replays video 10 ten times to figure out what they’re saying*

•teachers asking, “why do you always stop writing in the middle of a sentence, just write down whatever I’m saying,” followed by the response, “I’m just processing it,” rebuked by, “we’ll stop processing it and just write.”

•*gets really focused on staring out the window and goes through four songs without hearing a single on*

[jaspurr]

someone is whispering to their friends in the library, you don’t even know who this person is but you know their major, what state they grew up in, and their hobbies during high school. you just wanted to find a quiet spot to do your chemistry homework.

wanting to chime in on other people’s conversations all the time, but don’t, because you’re not suppose to be “listening” to them.

being the only person in the house that can hear that awful buzzing sound certain electronics make

hiding in your room because everything is too loud. 

motorcycles were invented by satan

being told that you have dog-like hearing by friends and family

being yelled at for “not listening” by friends and family. 

[ossuariies]

God. God. God. God.

[milliecoyote]

This entire post is so fucking relatable it hurts

[winterwombat]

“You just need to learn to tune it out.”

Forgetting how to think because ambient noise is drowning out your internal monologue. 

“No, I don’t need the volume up, I’d just really like to put on subtitles. No, I don’t need to move closer, I just…”

Leaving the room whenever someone starts talking on the phone. 

Pausing your video whenever someone starts talking but trying really really hard not to seem passive aggressive about it. 

Struggling to explain why this one sound is the most horrible thing in the world while other very similar sounds are fine. 

[vibinwitch]

you’re trying to listen to what some very important person is trying to say, but you can only focus on the conversations of the ppl around you

[cupcakeslushie]

sitting in a restaurant and thinking the people sitting next to you are being SO loud because you can hear everything they’re saying, but when you mention it you get weird looks so obviously you’re just overreacting.

not being able to handle the little keyboard sounds as your mom types a text from across the room, but when you ask your mom (who is a quadruple texter) to put her phone on silent you get a murderous look, like you’ve asked her to kill her cat.

turning on ambient noises and trying to relax, only to end up turning it off because it’s not actually helping you fall asleep.

“the speakers are making this high pitched noise”

“what the hell are you talking about?”

“THE SPEAKERS ARE PRACTICALLY SCREAMING HOW DO YOU NOT HEAR THAT??”

“Just ignore it, and focus on the show.”

[run-on-lightning]

people telling me “how the fuck can you hear the wall clock ticking but not understand a word im saying when im talking to you??” (i swear i’m not ignoring you, i just can’t process your words)

[runaon-deactivated20200126]

and the absolute kicker:  it took me nearly three decades of life to realise that all of the above meant I had an auditory processing disorder because, quite frankly, it isn’t discussed enough.  and by enough, i mean at all.

[the-kitteh]

I… experienced way too many of these not to be stunned right now.

[suicide-d0g-deactivated20191204]

me in a nutshell

[andlikesuns]

this…. this explains so much

[kvothbloodless]

Me: hmm i might have ab apd but im pr9bably just over reacting

Me, now: ooooh

[bm-pancake]

@hikarirose what the fuck why is this relatable what does this mean

[simon141riley]

I like to think of the disorder as part of being on the Spectrum. I know that I’ve got it (I will watch everything with subtitles when possible), but perhaps one could have it without being autistic/on the Spectrum.

For me, my visual is faster than my auditory at some points (watching a movie, a video), but it will change up on me from time to time (hearing the sound before seeing the source).

Honestly, it should be talked about more so that people know what is going on when, say, I ask to watch the movie with subs, or asking my friend for me to caption his YT vids.

[simon141riley]

Day 358/365/313

Today was decent. Spent time with family, spent time with online friends. Went to church for Christmas Eve service, saw a lot of people I haven't seen in quite some time.

I see these other blogs on here about cute things with relationships and being with that one person. Gives me a bittersweet feeling. Sweet because it feels comforting and securing if someone said those things to me. Bitter because I had someone like that once. Once, a long time ago.

I'm still searching for my wife. I remember seeing this thing about how someone is gonna be a bomb-ass wife one day.

Well, I'm trying to be the best husband I can. I try to act that way when in the company of people I like. I don't always succeed at it, but at least I try.