After my rape, I did everything I could to erase all remnants of my rapist’s presence. I unfriended and blocked him on Facebook. I blocked him on Gmail. I blocked him on Moodle, for crying out loud, our school’s open-source online learning platform. I got rid of all his clothes I borrowed. I got rid of every gift he ever gave me. I shredded any photos I had of him. I blocked his number. Deleted all his texts and emails. I deleted all my parent’s emails on their account and mine that mentioned him. I removed any gifts I’d bought him from my order history on Amazon and Etsy. I threw away the notebooks, exams, and papers from the one class I had with him as a preceptor. I removed all photos of him from my Facebook. I blocked his friends’ Facebooks and his family members’ Facebooks. I blocked his Instagram and his family members’ and friends’ Instagrams. I stopped eating at restaurants we used to frequent. I never rewatched any movies we saw together. I blocked every single Facebook account that I could find with his name even though I knew they weren’t him. I didn’t set foot on his street or anywhere near it for years. I stopped ordering the coffee drink we used to order together. I deleted photos of him and me off my parent’s camera. I stopped drinking the flavors of alcohol we drank together. I didn’t go anywhere near his old dorm until I had to. I untagged his name from all my Tumblr posts. I stopped watching all the shows we watched together (to this day my heart drops when I hear of the shows Archer or Game of Thrones). I went to therapy. I went to inpatient treatment. I went on meds. I went to the hospital. I avoided any college events he might attend. I avoided the academic buildings he might have classes in. I dyed my hair. I got piercings. I lost pounds and pounds of weight. I started going to the gym. I got rid of the birthday and Christmas gifts from his mother. I threw away the ticket stubs from the movies we went to; I threw away the receipts from any events, concerts, or restaurants we visited. I threw away the clothes he bought for me and the jewelry I bought when we went shopping. I threw away the clothes I wore when I stayed over at his home during winter break. I stopped listening to the musicians he introduced me to. I didn’t talk about it. I tried not to talk about it. I reported him to my college. I asked them to prevent him from contacting me. I thought about a restraining order. I blocked the anonymous friends of his who sent me Tumblr messages. I met with my college every time his friends contacted me. I asked my college to warn me whenever he would be on campus after he graduated. I wanted to take a night class after he graduated but found out he was auditing it as an alum, and so I didn’t. I stayed inside my dark bedroom for the three hours he was on campus for that class after he graduated. I wrote it out. I wrote about it. I didn’t write about it. I started a journal for survivors. I got a job educating others about rape. I reported other rapists. I avoided the tours he led on campus when I worked during the summer. I launched into angry crying rants against strangers on Facebook when they were victim-blaming other women. I didn’t say his name. I had a friend who was dating someone with his name and I said “__’s boyfriend” instead. If I saw his name in books or journals I called the character “the asshole” instead. I tried to stop liking the breed of dogs he owned. I closed my eyes every time my parents had to drive through his hometown. I clenched my fists until we passed through into the next town. I stopped expressing affection. I lost trust, or chose to put it away. I asked a friend who made rape jokes if he had ever raped anyone. He hadn’t. But I stayed scared anyway. I blocked his friends’ numbers. I avoided looking at them. I stopped listening to my favorite song because he used to play it on the jukebox. I stopped asking for waffle fries in the dining center because he used to order them too. I unmatched strangers on Tinder who looked too much like him. I swiped left if they had his name. I forgot to eat. I joined an online support group. I donated money to RAINN. I read about the rape kit backlog. I took a different route home. I wrote a book about it. I kept screenshots of his confession in a folder just in case. I told myself it was bad, or it wasn’t bad enough. I avoided vanilla candles because he had one in his room. I took down the posters he gave me. I joined in on jokes about how boys who watch Fight Club are shitty people. I stayed inside during orientation. I blocked his fellow orientation leader on Facebook. I stopped talking about orientation. I never mentioned who my orientation leaders were. I thought about calling the police. I took sleeping pills to avoid lying awake for too long thinking about it. I went on walks. I went on too many walks. I slept when I wasn’t in class. I cried when I wasn’t in class. I left class when the professors mentioned rape or sex. I asked for academic accommodations. I took time off work. I said things were fine. I said they were fine. I wrote him long letters then deleted them. I smiled through it. I blocked his friends on LinkedIn. I blocked his family members on LinkedIn. I blocked him on Twitter. I blocked his exes on Facebook. I warned one of his new girlfriends. I blocked the one after that. I got the college administrator who victim-blamed me removed as a keynote speaker for an event on rape. I started hating Jenny Holzer because her work was written on sculptures in the garden he took us to for orientation. I missed Jenny Holzer. I kept hating her. I didn’t go back to the sculpture garden. I left campus buildings when I saw his friends. I stopped eating dinosaur chicken nuggets because he used to make them for me. I followed every date rape story in the news. I left movies or the room during rape scenes on TV or in movies. I learned what trigger warnings were. I started using them. I started asking for them. I told my blog readers not to ask me about rape. I convinced myself he could never touch me again. I didn’t go to winter ball because he assaulted me the night before. I asked a friend to spend the night the day before I reported him.