Hello! SMBC journey starts here
This is my introduction post because... this will be a long journey that will take a few years, but it involves a lot of introspection, choices, and stops along the way.
Chronically single and queer
Primarily want to do IUI but might do IVF
My name is Rebecca, and I'm a 30 year old Swede who realized a long time ago that the only way I wanted to have a child was doing it on my own. There's a lot of reasons why I came to this conclusion was that I never came across anyone that I both felt that I wanted to spend my life with and shared my central ideologies and thoughts on child rearing.
Then, a few years later, I realized that I'm aromantic and asexual (closer to demisexual but not quite)... and that put a damper on things. I realized that the partner I would want was a unicorn! There's a laundry list of things in a partner that would make me feel comfortable with them, and then to have some form of attraction to (which is complicated as an aroace person bc once in a blue moon it kind of happens?) plus all these other things. Through so many dating apps and trying, and introspection of the fact that I am probably not an ideal partner for anyone either. If it happens, it happens, I just doubt it.
After this I spent a few years working with myself. I wanted to be sure I wanted children, if I would be okay with a life without children, how to bring a child to the world in the most ethical way, and how to go about it realistically. I had doubts, because I developed chronic migraines, I had a severe burnout, and was diagnosed with ADHD and autism earlier this year. At first when I was diagnosed I thought becoming a mom was off the table, but after working on myself and finding resources that will work for me, I know I can do it, and I can make these thinsg my strengths. Except the chronic migraines, but I have a very good treatment for that right now and am down to 2-4 migraines a month which is amazing, and I'm trying new medications to get the best combo.
Finally, I decided that this is what I want to do. I had this idea that when I was 33 I would go through it, because 33 seemed like this perfect age. As I'm nearing 31, though, this timeline seems a bit tight. I'm just now graduating, with my second degree, as a librarian, and I'm starting my career in august with severe debt and a horrible credit score. So, you know, need to work on that to provide a stable home for a child. I also need to move to a bigger place.
There's quite a few things I can do prior to all this. I'm building financial and housing security, I'm working on myself and creating healthy and mind boosting routines which will enable me to provide a good mom to my child. There's a lot to work on here, because there always is.
I'm listening to donor concieved children and adopted children and their experiences and desires in all of this. I am aware that there are plenty of donor concieved children who are against what I'm doing, and I do appreciate them, I cannot assume what my future child will/would think about it. I am doing this research because I want to meet the needs my child may have.
I'm doing research on evidence based child rearing, child psychology/physiology and how to best support them through different developmental phases. At some point I will also decide on media policy, which is the thing I'm most undecided on (I'm leaning towards yes pictures on closed social media with curated and known followers and pictures that take the child's current and future dignity in mind, and maybe non-face pictures on open social media after 8 weeks - before 8 weeks all babies basically look the same). So much to think about!
Then finally, financial and housing, as I've touched on before. I have a plan to get mostly debt free before I start the process. My current apartment is small, and I could live in it until the child reaches about 3, but ideally I'd already be living in a bigger place by this point.
So uh... what am I doing?
I'm planning on doing an IUI with a donor where the ID will be released when the child is 18 (and I'm going to offer to pay for all the DNA services available if that is what my child would want).
There's a few questions I have prior to this about my fertility. This month I'm going to be removing my IUD (if all goes well) and test to see how I do without it. In the autumn I'm going to take a few months to track my cycles with ovulation strips to see if I'm ovulating regularly or not. Then I'm booking an appointment to check my ovarian ducts and to see about my fertility levels like ovarian reserves etc.
I want to know that an IUI is a good choice for me because the pregnancy rate isn't very high, and I have endometriosis. IUI is cheaper, but if I have to spend many cycles going through it... it will get more expensive than IVF. So, I want to go through this as soon as possible so if I need to I can do an egg retrieval before I get "too old". There are more complications as you age, as everyone knows, and doing an egg retrieval earlier may mitigate things like chromosomal abnormalities.
While I know my family is very fertile, this is not a guarantee that I am. Prior gynecological exams have shown that I do have healthy ovaries so... but information is good, IMO.
IUI for my profile, as I know it, has a success rate of up to 15-20% (and after about 3 tries you go to IVF anyway where I'm looking), the higher end being assisted cycles with hormones. IUI does have an increased risk of twins/multiples and this... is not what I'd want. If it happens it does, but there's so many risks and it's way more difficult. IVF has a roughly 50% success rate if you have no known problems, so getting pregnant within 3 tries is highly likely.
3 cyles of IVF excluding donor sperm and medication is €6400
3 cycles of IUI excluding donor sperm and potential medication is €2400
The bonus of IVF: one retrieval round and one donor sample, but each IUI you have to buy donor sperm which can range from €800 to €3000 (highest I've seen), and with IUI you need the more expensive sample (higher sperm count and better motility) whereas with IVF you can get the lower rated. However, there's more medications that can increase the costs of IVF, and possible complications to both me and the fetus (IVF conception for some reason increases risks like heart defects).
This is why you have to take time to decide.
Long story short: this is the start of a multi year process, and this is my journey there
