Single Sharon: Blog of a single girl

I’m Sharon, and I’m single. Once upon a time, I told my boyfriend of five years that I was moving across the country, and that there was nothing he could do about it. I hopped off the plane at SFO, with a dream and a cardigan, single and ready to take on California. Two years later, I’m still tackling the West Coast and have the stories to prove it. These are my tales, the good, the bad, and the hilariously ugly, of my life as a single lady in the city by the bay.

[singlesharon]

Manless Mandy Interruption: Peter in Paradise

Pathetic Peter, Part 2

April 2013

HOLY SHIT…. should I go to Hawaii with my ex boyfriend?

Wow, oh my god what do I do???

So I freaked out and didn’t give him a definite answer and immediately asked all my friends opinions. Most of my friends said absolutely go on an all expense paid trip to the Ritz Carlton Kauai, but 2 of my friends thought I was a complete idiot for even considering going. So naturally I let majority rule and ignored all the haters.   

Sidebar: I was getting the hint that Peter wanted to get back together with me, but I repressed it all for the chance to have a fabulous weekend in paradise, great idea, right?

So we arrived in Hawaii, and I quickly discovered that this weekend was going to be more awkward than I expected.  Peter and I were on a business trip with no less than 50 of the top sales performers of his company and we were by far the youngest… and the only couple not married, yikes.  

The accommodations were more fabulous than I could ever have imagined, and literally everything was paid for.  Each day we were able to pick an activity, so I had a spa day, and Peter and I paddle boarded together and we even competed a zip line course.

The trip was going pretty well, Peter and I were pretending to be a couple, and a lot of his coworkers wives were pretty cool.  But then everything started to fall apart once it began raining.  Kauai is the rainiest place on earth, so it rained a lot and Peter and I were forced to be alone in our beautiful hotel room, with a ocean view.  With all that time together Peter started to annoy me.  He was trying to not so subtly win me back as his girlfriend and I was not having it.  On a rainy afternoon on the last day of our 5 night stay he asked me:

  “Is anything going to change when we get back to the City?”

  (panic… should tell him how I really feel?)

  “Honestly, no”

  “Ok that’s fine, I could sense that you're not into me anymore”

  “Look Peter, I’m really appreciative of you bring me to Hawaii, but I’ve already moved on…. (and I have literally no idea what else I said, but I made it really awkward)

  So I secretly texted Sharon “It’s raining in Paradise literally and figuratively”  and she texted back “I’ll have wine ready when you return”.  

What a gal pal!

  Peter and I had one more group dinner to suffer through after I laid that bomb on him, and he started drinking, HARD.

  and so did I.

  At the end of dinner the whole group went down to the ocean for the last time and ran around, Peter and I hung back and he looked over at me and shrugged.  We were both very intoxicated, but that innocent gesture caused me to blink back my tears.  I was starting to feel horribly guilty for using Peter for a free trip to Hawaii.  I couldn’t look at him as we made our way back to our room, to share our king-size bed for one last night.  After the door was shut to our room I started to bawl like a baby.  Peter was confused why I was crying (sidenote… I never cry).

  “Mandy why are you crying, I’m the one that should be crying.”

  “NO….sob… I’m a horrible person for coming on this trip, you’ve only been nice to me and I’m...I’m terrible.”

  Now I’m really sobbing and I run into the bathroom in shame and try to lock the door, but there’s no lock so Peter comes in after me reassuring me that it wasn’t a mistake for me to come on the trip, and that I was the only person he wanted to come with.  Remember we are both super drunk, so as he’s saying all these nice things to me I’m yelling, “PETER GET OUT OF HERE, LEAVE ME ALONE, Please Peter, just leave me ALONE”.  But he didn’t.  So I ran out of the hotel room and down the hallway, like a child throwing a tantrum.  

  The next day we discussed our feelings like adults, but it didn’t make our 5 hour flight back to SF any easier.  We parted ways, and Sharon was waiting for me with wine, as promised.  Peter and I are not friends anymore, I think it would be hard to salvage a relationship after my tear rampage, but I will always be thankful for our trip to Hawaii even though it ended in disaster.  

[singlesharon]

That time I needed Chris Harrison to save me

I, along with most girls, would be lying if I said that every time a guy suggests a run of the mill wine bar date, I am secretly hoping for something exciting and unique. That being said, execution is everything, and while all of the pieces for a great date with Mike were in place, it quickly turned disastrous.

After an unremarkable date to Amelie with Mike, he asked me if I would be free for a daytime adventure date. I was immediately intrigued and accepted. Although Date #1 wasn't great, it wasn't terrible either and was willing to give him a second shot. As the date approached, I got scant details. Wear athletic shoes. Ferry Building. 1 pm. It was all very Bachelor-esque to me, and wished that Chris Harrison would make an appearance too.

I arrived at the appointed time, and asked him where my Date Card had been. He laughed, kissed me on the cheek and escorted me to our rented bikes. Active date, check.

Despite the fact I wasn't sure what Mike had in store, he made me go in front so he could "check out my ass in yoga pants" while I pedaled. Our first stop was Ghiradelli Square for a sundae break. Now that we were face to face, it was painfully obvious we had nothing to talk about. With chocolate fudge in my stomach, I was able to look past the mild creepiness, but no amount of sugar could make up for the fact that there was zero chemistry between us.

After our ice cream, we hopped back on our bikes and I enjoyed the reprieve from talking to Mike. Our next stop was Ft. Mason. It was a gorgeous, unseasonably warm January day, and the park was filled with sunbathers and picnickers.  I caught myself checking out a group of guys tossing a frisbee, and reminded myself that I was on a date.  

We sat down under a tree - again, all very cute but awkwardly silent - until he grabbed my hand and dragged me down a path. He pointed to the tree above us and innocently asked me if I knew what kind of tree we were standing under. I’m not a botanist, but know a thing or two about trees, and seeing the pile of acorns we were standing in, replied “an oak.”

“Haha, no, it’s a mistletoe tree!” and kissed me. I got sweaty and started looking around, hoping no one I knew was around to have overheard that terrible line and see me have a giant smooch laid on me.

I immediately went from bored to fully over the date.  After suggesting we return to our bikes and bags, checked my phone and noted that I needed to meet a friend in an hour, so maybe we should head back.  

Trying to salvage the date, Mike asked me if I were hungry, and when I said no, asked if I minded watching him eat. Yep, I did. He said he would just grab a quick salad from Safeway, and I told him that if he wanted to get a snack, I was going home. I realized then that I probably sounded like a huge bitch, and made a joke before pedaling off ahead of him toward the Ferry Building. (Note to guys - if you really want to get a girl to indulge your snack habit, don’t give her an escape vehicle.) I returned the bike and feigned a phone call with a friend to get away ASAP.

When Mistletoe Mike followed up the next day to ask me what went wrong on our date, I politely responded that I didn’t feel any chemistry. When he insisted that the third date would be the charm, I declined, and hoped he retired his arborist line before he sent another girl frantically biking away.

[singlesharon]

Manless Mandy Interruption: Peter Please

Pathetic Peter: Part 1

March, 2013

I dated Peter for 6 months. We had met at dodgeball and while I knew right at the beginning I was making a bad choice dating him, I did anyway. He was successful, funny and chivalrous, but could be somewhat of an idiot. We parted ways in December of 2012 and I was sad, but 2013 was a New Year. Sharon was by my side as a Partner in Crime and I moved on and started dating other guys.

The Grouper you may remember from Sharon also had a hilarious and slightly traumatic ending that involves the reappearance of Peter.  

I was with Sharon and Tori, and three lackluster guys we got paired with and we ended up drunk at a Karaoke bar. (Sharon sidenote: I did not at the time think my guy was lackluster!) At this time Peter and I were on good terms, we were trying to be friends after the break up, so it wasn’t weird when he texted me late on a Friday night. However, these texts were really incoherent and needy:  

I trying calling you twich

Twich

Cab we talk about it

I’ll get John

come herof

So SPI epic

call me

So after my duet to some classic ‘nsync jams at the karaoke bar, I looked at my phone and discovered 17 missed calls from Peter and a stream of more incoherence texts. So a normal person would avoid interacting with this drunken buffoon right? Wrong, I was a drunken idiot too, so I let Peter know my exact location. Great.  My friends were clueless to the situation, and were stunned to see Peter appear at the karaoke bar. Tori even thought she was seeing a ghost. Peter showed up with his roommate and my close guy friend, Paul, whom I feel eternally sorry that I dragged him into this awkward night. I was literally on a date and I invited my wasted ex to come a “talk” with me.  

I shuffled up to Peter and sheepishly told him that I am in fact on a date and it’s probably best if he leaves.  Bless his heart, Paul understood the situation and hurried Peter out of the bar.  

I ditched the Grouper boys and headed home to sleep off my drunken shame. I woke up feeling guilty so I texted Peter an apology and asked if he wanted to come over because it seemed like he really wanted to tell me something last night. He agreed. Peter was on his way, but I was very hungover and decided to get a juice from the corner store.  

I grabbed my wallet only and walked out of my three story walk up and slammed the door behind me.

Oh fuck.  the door is locked and I don’t have my keys or phone.

Oh shit, both of my roommates are out of town.  

Good lord.  We just changed our locks and I’m the only person on earth that has a key to our apartment and it’s locked inside.  

I panicked and ran 4 blocks over to Tori’s house and rang the bell… she was useless. So I ran back to my apartment hoping to intercept Peter and make him break down my door, but he wasn’t there, did I miss him? Is he now more pissed at me?

In desperation I knocked on my neighbor's door (who I’d never met) to see if could climb through a back window.  They were in our courtyard having a Sunday morning power hour (fantastic).  After surveying my break in options I quickly came to the conclusion that climbing through a window would surely end in me falling to my death, so I turned to my hot bro-y neighbors for help.  I told them my sad tale and they immediately offered me a beer, which I graciously accepted.  Then I decided the only feasible route was to use one of their phones to call a locksmith to break into my apartment.  The locksmith arrived 20 mins later just as Peter was walking up my stoop.  Needless to say he made fun of me horribly.  The locksmith drilled my door open and charged me $180. Whelp without-a-doubt that was the most expensive juice I never bought.  

So Peter came upstairs and we milled around in my kitchen, and he made fun of me some more for locking myself out. Finally he told me the reason he desperately wanted to talk to me at 12 am the previous night.

He talked about how much better he’s been doing at work since breaking up with me and he was doing so well that his work was paying for him and a guest to go to Hawaii.  Guess who he wanted to be his plus one to paradise…. ME.  

To be continued...

[singlesharon]

My Samantha Moment

August 2014

Ask any woman between the ages of 25 and 40 which Sex and the City character she is, and she will tell you, without skipping a beat. She’s probably done countless quizzes to determine her character, strategically choosing answers to get who she wants. (What, that was just me?) I first discovered the lives of Carrier & Co. as a college freshman in halls of my all-girls floor, and immediately proclaimed myself a Carrie. (Sidenote, is SATC still a college staple? I hope so.) I was a journalism major, had crazy hair and was perpetually on-again-off-again with a guy who, incidentally, was named John. In my white-picket-fence moments after college, I was a Charlotte, and, when I got knocked up by a bartender decided to put career and independence before love (and became subsequently cynical), I was a Miranda, but never, in the 10 years I’ve been an avid SATC fan, have I been a Samantha.

That changed on my most recent S+M night. We brought our buddy Lisa out too, and after catching up over wine and a cheese plate, hit up FiDi’s best happy hours in search of well-dressed, high-earning men. Immediately after walking into Local Edition, 3 guys approached us and our groups chatted it up. The hottest of the bunch, Miles, took an interest in me, and we intimately flirted in a dark recess of the bar. S, L and I had other destinations for the evening and decided to hit the road. In a moment I can best describe as an out of body experience, I channeled my inner Samantha, looked Miles straight in the eye and assured him that if he called me later, we’d have sex.

Fast forward to a pizza, a party, and 2 bars later, it’s closing and Miles is calling me. I didn’t really want to hang out, but like an idiot, picked up my phone and told him where I lived. He arrived a few minutes later, still sporting his suit and stumbled into my apartment. We made out and while I was still fully dressed, began fumbling around for a condom. I told him to slow the fuck down, and to at least take off my clothes. Pretty quickly things progressed at least an adequate level for sex, and he reached for a box of condoms he brought.

“I’m a 29 year old woman, I have my own condoms.”

“You’re 29? Shit.”

“What, how old are you?”

“I’m 25.” Fuck me. If only he had.

Within about 30 seconds, he had fallen out and was having trouble getting it back up. After a few more failed attempts, I was frustrated and tired, so I gave him a blowjob and went to the bathroom. I walked back into my room to Miles starfished across my bed, snoring. I not-so-politely kicked him out of my bed and told him that he would not be staying. Had he quietly curled up in a fetal position, I probably would have let him stay, but I wasn’t about to fight for bed space and be kept up by snoring by a guy who called me old and then expelled no effort in trying to make the situation the slightest bit enjoyable for me.

After he left, I cleaned up my room to discover that the condoms he brought were Magnums. Miles was average, at best, and I only hope he was a grower, not a shower, and his purchase was at least somewhat justified. Not surprisingly, I didn’t hear from Magnum Miles again, but do have two condoms that I will probably never use as a souvenir of my very brief Samantha phase.

[singlesharon]

When I didn't blackout on my birthday, but wish I had

Misleading Mark, Part 2

March 2014

My birthday was a few weeks later, and I invited Mark to meet me and my crew out after dinner. Jess happened to be back in town for a wedding, so the whole book club/sig o gang was out together. I was having a special S+M dinner at Foreign Cinema, but we had plans to rendez-vous groups at El Techo. After dinner, the line to get to El Techo was impossibly long, so one of the guys in our group suggested we head to Latin American Club instead. Great idea.

We got to the bar, and Tori bought M and I margaritas. My other friends were offering drinks too, so downed it really quickly. Mark led the crew to meet us, and as he watched me slurp the end of the marg, warned me that LAC is known for drinks with upwards of 3 shots of tequila in them. Whoops. I made my way over to Jess to say hi, glad that I had significant tequila and red wine in my stomach to mask the awkwardness for the fact that I was head over heels into her ex bf.

Eventually that group left to get food, but Mark stayed behind to hang out. At this point, things got blurry, but Mark and I had tunnel vision for each other. I was literally hanging on him (out of admiration or necessity is unclear) and in what I thought was sexy but was probably just really slurred, muttered “I think you’re awesome. Like, since I’ve met you, I thought you were amazing.” “Sharon, I’ve thought the same thing about you.” I really thought we were going to kiss, but something interrupted us, probably Tommy offering to buy me a tequila shot, which I took, and then promptly excused myself to the bathroom to vomit. Feeling better, and with a stomach empty of tequila, I decided I HAD to dance, so rallied the troops to go to Blondies. There were only 5 of us left: Mandy, Mark, Josh, Tommy and I. Tommy, Josh and I ended up in front, with Mandy and Mark trailing behind. We got to Blondies and Mandy and Mark were nowhere in sight. Tommy went back to look for them, while Josh stayed with me. I tried calling each of them, four times, but neither picked up. I was getting increasingly upset, particularly when Tommy returned to tell me that he didn’t see them. Josh suggested that maybe they were already at the bar. But they weren’t. I was really upset that my homegirl had disappeared with the guy I was in love with, so when I spotted one of Mandy’s former hookups from across the floor, zeroed in on him. He came over to say hi, and I promptly stole the olives from his martini, then took his glass and chugged the remainder. The added alcohol was unnecessary, and realized that Mark and Mandy were not showing up.

Tommy took me outside, where I proceeded to cry and drunk text Drunk Dave about meeting up. Tommy got an Uber for us, while I told him a million times about how it was totally ok because I was going to hook up with Dave. I was so pissed and woke up the next morning to still nothing from Mandy and Mark. (And, thank god, without Dave.) I called my bff from home at 7 am to cry about my birthday, and realized later I was still drunk. Mandy eventually texted back to tell me that she blacked out, but did not wake up at Mark’s and Mark was not with her.  Mark also claimed to black out, leaving the great birthday disappearance a mystery.

Post-birthday, however, Mark completely pulled away. He stopped texting and rebuffed my request to hang out and catch up. I’ve only seen him once since that night, in a completely unawkward happy hour where we stood in the back and talked shit about everyone else there. Dammit Misleading Mark, what happened!? 

[singlesharon]

Put your ticket in my [raffle] box

Mark, Part 1

Late winter, 2014

I met Mark through his then girlfriend, Jessica. Jess and I were in book club together and one night, we invited our significant others (or in my case, Mandy) to join in on the fun for a night of Cards Against Humanity. As it turned out, the Sig O’s were all pretty lame, awkwardly trying to make conversation with each other while the ladies, per book club norms, imbibed red wine and gossiped. Mark was the exception, he was utterly awesome, and I left thinking “how can I become besties with Mark so he can introduce me to all of his single friends?” The guy was perfect – hilarious, athletic, a pastry chef. What more could a girl want?

A few months later, Jess decided to pull a reverse Sharon and move to New York to pursue a lifelong dream of helping homeless children. She broke up with Mark (who I hear was dangerously close to popping the question) and she set out on a month-long binge of drinking and dancing, which I was happy to accompany. One night, a whole group of us ended up out together, Mark included, and as I went to bid him and another guy friend, Josh, adieu, was told that I absolutely could not leave the bar because I was way too much fun. Mark bought me a Patron shot, then Josh bought me Fireball and before I knew it, the ladies were headed home for the night and I was out with the boys. We went to Local Edition, where I got hit on by SF weirdest while Mark looked on amused. After deflecting a guy who told me that he worked for Muni and could definitely fulfill my dream of driving a cable car, Mark pulled me aside and told me how awesome I was. At last call, he made sure I got in an Uber sans Mr. Muni, and texted me to tell me he was glad I stayed out. Oh Mark, so perfect, yet ambiguously unavailable because of my friendship with Jess and the fact that, at the time, they were still living together. I was crushing, but tempered my infatuation due to awkwardness.

 Before Jess left, she hosted a Valentine’s Day fundraiser for the homeless shelter she was shipping off to. I volunteered to be entered in the date raffle to raise money for her – and let’s be honest, I was hoping to walk off with a hot date and not spend Valentine’s Day alone. I borrowed a hot pink shirt from Elle, had her do my hair and set out to wow Polk Street’s finest. I worked the crowd, but was excited to see Mark in attendance. I think I chatted up every guy at the bar, encouraging them to definitely put their ticket in my [raffle] box, while knocking back vodka sodas to keep me flirty. Soon enough, it was raffle time, and I anxiously awaited my fate. The spa days, dinners, and Tesla driving experiences were announced, and soon enough it was time for the dates. The 5 gentlemen were announced first, then it was time for us ladies. The host read my numbers while I scanned the crowd looking for the winner. Mark, standing behind me, excitedly announced “I won!” I looked at him and laughed, “haha good one!” Then he showed me his ticket, and sure enough, had won the date with me. Not what I had in mind by “hot date” but I was secretly so excited that in some amazing twist of romantic comedy fate, Mark and I would have to go on a date together. It was the perfect love story, and only got better when Jess immediately exclaimed that it was “sooo amazing” and that Mark and I would be “absolutely perfect together.”

Jess left a few days later, and after some coordinating, eventually met Mark for our drink date a month later. I was nervous, but excited, because I’d been into this guy since I met him. We went to Trick Dog, where after two cocktails and a free shot, departed with a super romantic hug, but plans to get beer the next week. We met for Friday happy hour, which turned into dinner and a nightcap at Kozy Kar, before again departing with a heartfelt embrace at my doorstep. Mark texted me on his way home, telling me he should have stayed for at least one episode of House of Cards with me. Uhh yeah, you should have buddy. At this point, things were looking up with Mark. He was one of those guys where we’d laugh so much, I’d end up in tears, even if we were only talking about our least favorite Muni lines. My crush was intensifying and I was totally into him.

[singlesharon]

Sex with A Psychopath

I've been on dates with dicks. Completely, utter, end-things-via-facebook, type of dicks, but the extent of Lax Bro's douchery was beyond asshole behavior I could comprehend.

I should have known within the first 30 minutes of my date with Lax Bro not to not waste my time (he was late, then spent the first 5 minutes conversing with friends he knew at the bar) but following beer flights, I was tipsy and enjoying myself. After splitting a pitcher of Budweiser, I was drunk and acquiescing when he invited himself to come home with me and smoke my weed. Lax Bro (who even in real life, I didn't refer to by his real name) was cute, tall and had been a D1 lacrosse player. Lacrosse has always fascinated me, and my hometown is the hotbed for the sport. I've always thought they were super hot and nostalgia tugged on my high school heartstrings and I wanted fulfill my teenage dream of dating a lacrosse player. Plus he went to a neighboring state school, and hanging out with someone who came from the same place was comforting. Except, you know, for the fact that he was the biggest bro I had ever met. Like, sports coach, salmon chinos, loves Bud heavy, bro. I kept our first night hookup sesh to clothes-on making out, but when he parted with "we should have sex soon," I replied, "deal." I liked how up front he was, and while I knew there was no long-term potential, liked the idea of having a party boy fuck buddy. 

Two nights later, I was trashed and decided to drag my friends to meet him at Kells, the sight of so many prior blackouts and poor decisions. It was fitting. As we were about to walk in, I felt a hand on my shoulder "you didn't think you could sneak in past me, did you?" It was Lax Bro, outside to smoke. "Oh, I didn't see you!" and gave him a hug. He was wearing sunglasses on the top of his head (which he later told me were not a result of day drinking turned into all night raging, but rather for his walk of shame the next day) and reaked of cigarettes. 

I was having a lot of fun with my friends, and actually wasn't in the mood to deal with Lax Bro. He was oozing grossness, so when he told me he was posting up upstairs, made the exec decision to dance in the basement. While I was waiting for drinks at the bar, the bartender handed me a tequila shot and said it was from the guy across the bar. Fuck. He had found me. I did his shot, then the shot my friends had ordered and the next thing I knew, I woke up naked in my bed. My first thought was to get to the bathroom and take out my contacts which were now burning through my retinas and to brush the taste of regret out of my mouth. Upon returning, realized there were two sets of clothes on my floor and lax bro was passed out in my bed. Fuck. He woke up and we started cuddling, and before I knew it, he was trying to have sex with me.

"Whoa, what are you doing?" I asked. "I'm collecting on your deal to bang," he told me. "Not without a condom, first." Then he emitted a long string of excuses, to which I replied, "ok fine, we'll just mess around. No sex." He eventually relented, and later told me how much of a turn-on it was that I was so insistent. So basically, he sleeps with a bunch of pushovers. Really glad I protected my lady parts with my insistence on protection in that moment.

Afterward, as I laid in bed with my hangover intensifying, we chatted and I began to realized that he was the biggest asshole I had ever met. His first few confessions were not terrible, but contextually, were pretty bad. One, he idolizes Tucker Max, a self-proclaimed asshole, and actually had his start on this life path by writing at Bro Bible after college. Then, he told me his dream of being a Duke lacrosse player growing up. As an ACC state school alum, this is basically like saying you want to worship Hitler, and I retorted with "oh, so you wanted to be a rapist." He then told me that the Duke rapes "totally didn't happen," and went to explain, in detail, how the guys were set up. 

He eventually also confessed that he could definitely see himself in the same position as George Huguley, the felon convicted of manslaughtering his ex-gf. At this point, I realized that he transcended normal levels of asshole and was verging on crazy. The worst part is that I'm pretty sure he has no idea that he's that much of a dick.

He invited me to join him brunch, which I decline in favor of heading out with friends. I didn't realize the full extent of his assholishness until my hangover had faded and I had ample opportunity to reflect. Although he's probably harmless, I really don't need to put myself in danger of finding out and have better ways to spend my time.

[singlesharon]

That time when getting desperate led to getting it on atop a futon

December, 2013

Well, following Adam's unceremonious departure from the office, I never heard from him again. At that point, I figured good riddance, and was relieved my awkward office encounters were over.

Then hit my worst dry spell ever.

By fall, I was getting desperate because, let's be honest, vibrators don't cuddle.

In November, I was drunkenly texting one of my guy friends from grad school, Fynn. He admitted that he had a crush on me, then I moved across the country and broke his heart, but he always thinks about me, blah blah blah. I thought he was super cute and really cool, but just as a friend because I was in a serious relationship at the time. Now that I was single, played into the flirting, and we decided we would definitely have to hang out when i was home for Christmas.

When I was nailing down whirlwind winter East Coast trip schedule, reached out to Fynn about hanging out. He told me his family would be in town, so he'd be busy, but that the night I was planning on going out with grad school friend coincided with night that he planned on showing his 21 year old brother a "night on the town." Perfect.  

I made it back to DC, and went to happy hour and then a house party with my old roommates and other people we knew from school, including Fynn. Somehow, after several DC Braus, Fynn and I ended up on the back porch together and started making out because when you're trashed at house parties, you make out on porches. It was getting kind of heavy, so I said something like "so is it cool if i come home with you tonight?" to which he responds, "well my parents are staying with me."

Uh, HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE. So by family in town, he meant family staying IN HIS APARTMENT.

At this point, it was like 2 am, and my old roommate was with her boyfriend, and I really wanted to do it, so said "I really just need a place to crash, I'm totally fine with sleeping on the couch if that's cool." So Fynn, the brother (who totally knew what was going on) and I caught the last metro to his apartment, which happens to be in my college town. Which, sidenote, is among the dirtiest, trashiest, sketchiest places ever. Once we got back, I had to do my best high school senior impression and sneak in because his parents were asleep in his bedroom. 

His roommate was gone for Christmas already, so he put the brother in his roommate's room and me on the futon, for some god-knows-why reason. Why I couldn't have the other bedroom is beyond me, but I was drunk enough not to care when he came back and got on the futon with me.

Eventually we did it, but the whole time I was freaking out because at any minute, one of his parent could get up and find me topless in a futon. Some people think getting caught is a turn on. I am not one of them and did my best to stay absolutely silent. I was probably the most boring person ever to sleep with, but I wasn't will to risk getting caught fornicating with their son. All it would have taken was one late night trip to the bathroom or one desire for a glass of water.

Luckily that didn't happen, and the next morning, one of my best friend's from college picked me up for breakfast. I told her not to judge that 5 years after graduation, I was still having walks of shame home through our college town. And, best of all, his parents had no idea.

[singlesharon]

When the guy you're dating likes your best guy friend more

Ambiguous Adam, Part 5

Summer, 2013

I was traveling a lot last summer, as was Adam, and our meetups became fewer and farther between. While we had pretty awesome chemistry when we were alone, his whole routine of ignoring me during the workday was getting old. One Friday afternoon, Tommy stopped by to hang out with me while I finished work before we hit up happy hour. Adam had been giving me the cold shoulder, but as soon as he saw Tommy, he came over and gave him a big hug, "dude, how's it going? Great to see you again!" and commenced bro-ing out with my buddy. I was pissed at Adam, but vowed to ignore him right back and went to a lovely, drunk happy hour with Tommy, Mandy and another friend, Greg, at Marketbar on the Embarcadero.

Later that night, after I was drunk and decided Sex > Making a Point, I told Adam that he needed to cut out the silent treatment. I was tired of him ignoring me at work and explained that a friendly smile would go a long way. He agreed and I hoped things would change. 

I got to work on Monday, and was surprised to see that Adam's office was entirely cleared out. He didn't mention anything to me that Friday about moving offices and I didn't bother reaching out to him to ask what happened. I found out later through the office grapevine that his position had been eliminated. Whoops.

A few weeks later, Mandy, Tommy & I were at Hardly Strictly, discussing how I manage to date the worst people. We were questioning Adam's sexuality and chatting about how terrible he was to me, when, out of no where, he walked by our blanket. He was oblivious to our conversation, but the timing, particularly in my pot-induced haze, was amazing.

[singlesharon]

Returning to the Scene of the Crime: Bootie SF Version

Ambiguous Adam, Part 4

June, 2013

A couple weeks later, M and I decided that we needed to go back to Bootie SF, coordinated with our friends and marked June 29, 2013 as the date to go. A large crew came out, and I actually remember having an amazing time. Tommy got everyone RBV’s when we arrived - true to our previous visit together - and we set out to dancing with our huge group. The night was tons of fun, and I totally lost track of time. I eventually texted Adam, something I had been planning on doing earlier but never got around to it. I was drunk but not a disaster (I stuck to all of my rules, mostly beer, no shots, ate dinner first), and sent a fairly coherent text inviting him to join us. He countered by inviting me over for later, and a few hours later when we had lost most of our friends, Mandy, Tommy and I decided to leave. We left Tommy in the pizza line (whoops) and I promised to pay for M's Uber home if she didn't mind detouring to the Mission. When we arrived at Adam's, I made the Uber driver wait until I was actually before leaving (“I need to make sure he hasn’t passed out... It’s a really sensitive subject.”) A bunch of his gay friends were there after partying in the Castro, so I drank a little bit more with them, danced a little bit, complimented their awesome hot pink tees (God I love gay men!) until they left.

We started making out, and that's when things started to get a little weird.

-The first thing he said to once everyone left was “I couldn’t wait for everyone else to leave because you’re look so hot.”  He also complimented me several times on my choice in underwear, particularly my rainbow bra (it was Pride weekend)

-We started having sex and he really quickly and enthusiastically pulled out lube, even once I made it extremely clear there would be no buttsex

-During our pillow talk after, he admitted that he’s made out with guys. On one hand, I feel like I should just be really chill about it. I live in SF, it’s fucking Pride weekend, I’m all for being sexually open and open-minded in general, but it’s a little weird. He’s likes me, and likes having sex with me so it shouldn’t matter, right?

So while my fling with Adam started as ambiguous as to what was actually going on, it was becoming clearly that Adam's sexuality was also pretty ambiguous.

[singlesharon]

Long days, long nights and a lot of booze

June, 2013

Ambiguous Adam Part 3

When I had left my apartment for Union Street Fest 2013, I had anticipated a fun drunk afternoon, seeing where the day would lead me, with the full expectation that I would be back in my apartment before the sunset. I left an extra layer at home, knowing that high 70s temperatures and bright sun would keep me warm well through the early evening, certainly through the 5 pm end time of the afternoon party I was attending. Unbeknownst to me, it would be a full 24 hours before I would step into my apartment again and that my decision to eat a garlicy sandwich en route to Mandy’s and bring my toothbrush so I could freshen up pre-party would prove to be one with exponentially more benefits that I initially intended.

My day had begun a few hours before, at 6:45 when I woke up for a long run. 15 miles later, I was sweaty, salty, and hungry, but quickly showered and prepped for an afternoon outdoor Union Street Festival party. For a $20 donation to charity (my charity, might I add), I was afforded all of the Sangria, keg beer, mixed drinks and Air I could stomach. Apparently it’s a lot and by early evening, I was stumbling to Roam Burger with 4 friends. We came back to the party, danced with a girl who had accent toes(!) and I was drunkenly inviting Adam to stop by. He did, with friends B [I can't remember her name] and C, his gay bff, in tow. As as the sun set, and the party wound down, my friend Tommy offered his rooftop hot tub as a next stop. Mandy & Elle departed, and I went with new-found friends to drink more while they ate, grab bathing suits and beer and relocate to SOMA.

The crew of 5 basked in the hot tub, then as we relaxed inside at Tommy’s, decided we should make the few-block trek to Bootie SF. I declined, noting that I had been drinking for nearly 12 hours at that point, but was promised RBV if I choose to attend. So I did. We arrived at Bootie at 12:30, and true to her promise, B handed me a drink. I danced a lot, and eventually Adam and I were making out while B and Tommy made out. C left us to hook up with someone from Tinder, then shortly after, Adam and I went back to his apartment. I broke my two months of self-imposed celibacy and relished in how sweet he was.

Somehow, despite my marathon running followed by marathon drinking sessions, felt fine the next day. On my way home, I decided to hit up Philz and the Civic Center Farmer’s Market on the way home. I was still in my sundress and probably smelled terrible, but I was on the 49 so I’m sure it was imperceptible. A full 24 hours after I left my apartment in a light sundress with no extra layer, I returned. Things were heating up with Adam just in time for the temperatures to cool off in SF.

[singlesharon]

Goals for Summer

The temps in SF have been flirting with the 70s, evoking feelings of a summer we won't actually experience until September. So while I move my "summer sweaters" to the prime spots in my closet, I give you a list of goals for the next few months to review:

1. Find a hookup

2. Find a guy to take me to Giants games (will trade sex for baseball!!)

3. Make a friend with a pool

4. Make a friend with a boat

5. Perfect my Bloody Mary recipe/find SF's best Bloody

6. Get Karl the Fog to retweet me

[singlesharon]

Ambiguous Adam Gets a Second Shot

Late May, 2013

Ambiguous Adam, Part 2

The day after our first date, Adam headed out of town for work. I welcomed the reprieve from awkward office situations, and happily returned to my normal routine of BB cream, a swipe of mascara and dry-shampooed hair. We texted while he was gone, however, and made plans for Sunday evening dinner.

We met at his apartment on the Mission/Castro border and we walked to Monk's Kettle. After several drinks and another split check, I accompanied back to his apartment with the intention of calling it a night. He invited me up to watch Arrested Development Season 4, and since that's what my night at home would have consisted of anyway, decided to join. I had made a terrible mistake.

We curled up on the couch together and before the narrator had said "It's Arrested Development," Adam was kissing me, resolving the ambiguity around whether or not he was just in it to be just friends. (I would eventually discover that Adam had other ambiguous traits, but that's for a later post...)

Things were getting pretty heated and I had to interrupt. "Um, we're gonna see each other in the office in 10 hours, can we address that?" 

"Yeah, it's cool. I don't mix work and pleasure," he assured me. Unkempt and tired, I resisted his request for more than making out, and as I Ubered home, wondered how work would be the next day.

I ran into Adam outside the office as he was coming back from getting coffee. We toasted our large Peet's cups, and walked in together. It was the last time that day he would acknowledge me.

At this point, I should have called off the whole thing. The guy barely looked at me in person, had always let me pay for half, and was both short and not a baseball fan. However, I didn't and would eventually come to regret that decision.

[singlesharon]

That time I thought it was a good idea to date someone from the office

May 2013

Ambiguous Adam, Part 1

When I ended up texting Adam, a cute guy from my office, Bay to Breakers Sunday night as I laid in bed nursing hangover (and, incidentally watching The Hangover... well played TBS), I didn’t think much about potential consequences.  When I got to work Monday morning, I realized that drunk texting a cute co-worker over the weekend makes for a potentially awkward beginning of the week, especially when he decided to ignore me. I chalked the flirty text exchange up to B2B intoxication, so I was pretty surprised to get a text from him Monday night asking me out for drinks.

I freaked out about the situation. Normally I have all day to compose myself before heading out to meet my date, but I would have to see and potentially interact with him at work. I was unable to shake the awkwardness the next day, especially when I left to get coffee with my best work friend and she giggled as we passed his office. He continued to ignore me, and I questioned how well the date would go. 

He met me at my apartment and we walked down to Polk for drinks. After two rounds of cider and sweet potato fries at Upcider, I politely asked if he wanted to split the bill. He happily took me up on my offer and I really should have taken that sign as a big red flag right then and there. Instead, I let him walk me home and linger at my doorstep. Without a kiss, and the acceptance of splitting the bill, I started to think that maybe Ambiguous Adam was just in it to be friends. 

[singlesharon]

Bay to Breakers, enabling my hook-ups since 2013

Sometimes you say things to yourself like, "wouldn't it be awesome if I could just hook up with one of my friends?" and sigh and move on because it's so unlikely to happen.

Then, Bay to Breakers happens and you find yourself in bed with one of your guy friends. Way to go, San Francisco, for enabling intoxication levels necessary for these scenarios.

[whendatinginsf]

When it's sunny outside so I don't bring a coat with me

[vogue-ville]

[singlesharon]

xoxo