I've talked about this before, but emotional dysregulation is such a mother fucker aspect of ADHD.
Like, sure, not being able to regulate my attention sucks, but it's genuinely fucking nothing compared to the absolute rollercoaster of emotions I just went on because someone said something in a shitty tone, and now I'm having to actively walk myself through DBT methods lest my idiot shit for brains 'shiny-can't-sit-still-disorder' drop the match on that particular bridge because the rejection sensitive dysphoria feels like my chest is burning and not being able to act on the hurt feels like I'm suffocating under the weight of emotions pushing down on me and lashing out in anger is quicker than taking the time to self soothe.
And the annoying fucking thing is I know it's me.
I've done enough therapy to know my emotional response to their shittiness is overblown and dysregulated. I know I'm taking it to heart more than they could ever imagine.
And I've got to fucking sit with that and process it because if I don't, I'll be the inconsiderate cunt in this interaction and hhnnggg--wailing, gnashing, biting my thumb at you in the marketplace, etc, etc.
One of the things that I have struggled to explain to people my entire life is that my emotions are bigger than [generic] yours, but that doesn't mean they're made up or fake.
Like, ever since I was a kid, my parents and adults around me belittled me for being 'dramatic,' and made it clear that I was 'too much' and should be less of what I am.
These emotions are very real. They're bigger than the situation calls for, but they're real.
The fastest way to get cast into the Outer Darkness is to tell me I'm being dramatic or making shit up. Nope. These emotions are very real, and they're very mine.
Solidarity, my friend.
That drives me up the wall too. And I realize that sometimes I do need to curtail my response to certain things (like now), but the fact that so much of my childhood and formative years were dismissed as me being a Bad Child when I was in genuine distress over the very real and Big emotions I was feeling will never stop hurting.
The fact that it's a symptom of ADHD is just the final kicker because even to some doctors, it's still the "if you just tried harder" disorder, and I don't know how to explain to people that I'm clawing myself raw on the inside trying to accommodate them, while they do nothing to accommodate me.
do you also get the moments where literally nothing bad is happening, but your brain just decides "we mad now" and starts thrashing itself against your surroundings trying to find anything it can blow out of proportion and get upset about? Mine does that all the time and it sucks so bad
Not as often since I started therapy, but yes.
This is actually something I talked about in the old post linked above, but anger is a very stimulating emotion. I personally describe it as a lightning rod for my wandering attention.
Anger will get my focus so much more readily than any other emotion. And being able to latch on to something and focus feels good, even if it's over something harmful.
I used to relive arguments with family to get myself pumped up. Because if you get me angry enough, I will stress clean my house. I will organize things. I will fold the towels that have been sitting in the hamper for a week.
Provided it's not totally overwhelming, and I end up just sitting stuck in the anger, unable to do anything, becoming more and more upset until I have a meltdown.
It was like a balancing act.
If I could get myself annoyed juuuuust enough, my life would be less shitty because I'd get stuff done. If I overshot and just ended up fixated on the anger, well, fuck, I guess.
It was only after the last few years of therapy and the focus on removing stress as a motivator (I used to be one of those "I need a last-minute deadline to get stuff done" ADHD'rs, and then I wrote a novel under a too strict deadline, and my stress regulation completely broke, and now all I've got is this shitty suicidal ideation and the inability to meet any deadlines because my brain just straight up cannot handle it anymore) that I realized I had been using anger the same way.
I'm not saying that's what your brain is doing. I'm just conveying my experience in the hope that someone maybe feels less shitty and maybe realizes it's an aspect of their ADHD that needs better focus beyond "be productive."
