Think wisely.

Sirius Black | 20 | Gryffindor alumni “It gives me S T R E N G T H to have somebody to fight for; I can never fight for myself, but, for others, I can K I L L.”

[sirivss-blvck]

Sirius walked inside the apartment; he had always been slightly envious of the place, it was perfect for Amelia. Everything about it seemed like an extension of her. It was hers. He wanted a place of his own, a place he could call exclusively his own. “You know me, I live in the moment. People like me don’t have time to think things through.” It seemed a bit stupid to try to convince her, both of them were well-aware that it was just an excuse. He wanted to check up on her and truthfully he did not think the wine bottle accompanying her was a good sign. But he did not want her to think that he pitied her. Because that was not the case, he just preferred to see his friends happy, even if it had gotten a bit difficult as the war became more and more present in their lives.

He threw his jacket on an arm chair and put his hands to his pockets. Sirius took a deep breath and casually shrugged. “If you want the honest answer, I think you look bloody miserable and should not be drinking wine by yourself.” He walked up to her and leaned his shoulder to the fridge. Amelia could hold her facade for only so long. The utter lack of strenght was too visible for Sirius’ liking. This was not Amelia Bones. Just a shadow of her. Something really needed to change, somehow he needed to cheer her up.

“You can never hear enough comforting words. Do you think drinking your sorrows away will help you someway?” he asked her sternly and threw a look at the bottle standing on the counter. “Talk to me. Tell what is absolute shit and how much you hate the world right now, I’ll listen.” He actually wanted her to start crying. Crying helped, it was therapeutic.

[lilyevanssx-deactivated20180325]

“I’m only implying that you would maybe be fit for someone less Grecian,” Lily said, smiling a bit as she shook her head. “You really wouldn’t look good in sandals, Sirius.” Her lips grew into a wide smile at that line, and then a laugh even escaped her lips at his next comment. “Yes, yes. That’s it. Married woman disease. I’ll remind you, I’m not quite married yet, so how would I be able to be infected?” Her eyebrow raised and she rested her head on the tree trunk. “I don’t know. I think I always wanted it in fall. And I think I’d like for it to be both. And by that I mean, I want everyone to wait outside and then the ceremony is inside and the reception is both inside and then outside.” She paused. “Did that make any sense?”

[sirivss-blvck]

“Pish posh, you’re good as married. I mean no offence we always joke about how smitten Prongs is with you but you are no better. You’re just slier. You know how to hide it but you’re so head over heels for him,” he laughed and teasing pushed her by the shoulder. “Fall wedding sounds good. You can have a patio or something but some kind of enchantments would be good --- in case it rains. I know a couple witches who do that for a living. They set up a magical barrier so rain and harsh wind doesn’t bother you. It’s some grade A magic they’ve been playing with for ages.”

[flamingbones-deactivated2017021]

Black hair, familiar voice – Sirius. Amelia indeed did feel relief for a moment – her heart felt filled with something fresh that couldn’t be described as pumping blood – before reverting back to her old need of security and safety. Paranoia. Couldn’t this be a Death Eater recently having consumed Polyjuice Potion? Was she being tricked into letting her guard down so they could attack without any problems? The one thing she knew was that it would take much to take her down. Despite any doubts and fears, Amelia Bones had always been good at dueling.

Still, a Death Eater wouldn’t politely ask her to put her wand away like that. They’d just attack and that’s it. Not much space for negotiations – if they were talking about efficient Death Eaters, at least. Still, one could never be too sure with the people who’d killed her brother. She was positive they didn’t leave the families of the Order members unharmed. She’d heard about the cases.

“Sirius is one of the few people able to make me do what?” Amelia asked, almost coldly, lowering her wand an inch at most.

[sirivss-blvck]

He shifted his weight from one leg to another, the position he was in was not his favourite and Amelia could throw mean spells if she wanted. And he really did not want to know what it felt like to be stunned by her. He cleared his throat anxiously and licked his lips. He looked at her straight-forwardly, hoping she could recognize him that way. Somehow.

A subtle grin appeared on his face and with a cocky attitude he told her: “I can make you laugh.” It was a no brainer. He did make her laugh --- he made a lot of people laugh but Amelia was the only person who had actually told him that he made her laugh. Later on it became clear to him that the melodic sound did not escape Amelia’s lips too often. He took a lot of pride in it. 

Having said that, he dared to climb the stairs that lead to her apartment door. He leaned his back to the railing and looked at her with a slightly concerned look on his face. He couldn’t say that he would have been close to Edgar but he had respected the man. And Amelia seemed to be taking his loss poorly. “Are you going to invite me for tea? I’m freezing.” It was a poor excuse but Sirius figured she needed the company, almost no one had seen her since the battle.

[its-regblck-blog]

“How am I supposed to leave?”  For the first time there was more than just anguish in his voice.  A trace of frustration seeped in.  “Tell me how.  Because they have a tighter leash on me than they ever did you.  They won’t let me go, Sirius– not with my life.  They’re not going to lose another heir.  I don’t know what else to do– I don’t, I don’t know if I…” he trailed off, remembering what Lucius had said.

He wanted to trust Sirius.  He wanted to beg him to help him get away– but he wasn’t sure that he could, and he couldn’t afford to fully confess his feelings to anyone he wasn’t one hundred percent sure he could trust implicitly.

[sirivss-blvck]

The question threw Sirius off guard, it was as if Regulus had practically read his mind. His grip on Reg’s clothes loosened just a tad. Had he ever stopped to wonder what was holding Regulus on the other side? Had he really given it a thought? Sirius was quick to point fingers. He knew it far too well. “You just do it,” he told him simply. It was a stupid question. “What are you afraid of? Take your savings, leave the country, stay the fuck away until this is over. You don’t need their money, you don’t need anything from them. How do you suppose they will track you down if you just disappear? No one is asking you to fight,” Sirius told him and tried to keep his voice low. No one needed to know what they were discussing about. “I’m not asking you to fight...” His voice was uncharacteristically weak. He was more or less pleading his little brother to do the right thing, to come to his side. He had not thought it was a possibility: he had fed his hatred and bitterness for the sole fact that it had seemed so impossible. Who would ever abandon the Black name and the heritage?

[fromwilds]

It felt wrong all of a sudden. Sure, they had to talk about it, and it was better to confront it earlier rather than ignoring it. But all of the doubts he had came rushing back. Remus and Sirius were at different places in their lives. Remus wanted to be in a relationship; it was something he always wanted deep down, but at the same time he knew that he probably could never be in a relationship. At least it was a little easier with men; he didn’t have to worry about the possibility of wanting kids. But he didn’t even know if Sirius was even into men. He had certainly never mentioned it to him. He probably didn’t even know himself.

“I just don’t want to mess anything up,” he said, quietly. That was definitely the most true out of anything. “I’m afraid you just kissed me because it was easy and I get you probably don’t want a relationship with me and I don’t even know if you’re gay and-and what will James say…” He took a deep breath looking into Sirius’s eyes. He was talking too fast, all of his words jumbling into one another. “You’re not going to want to date me,” he said, slowly. Is that what Remus wanted? “You’re going to get bored of me.”

“I don’t know what I want this to be,” he said, his voice rising slightly. “I definitely have feelings for you.” He said it. He finally said it. After all the years of the thought popping in his head only for him to push it out, he had finally confronted it out loud. “I just don’t want to ruin anything.”

[sirivss-blvck]

It was so odd: he had imagined the earlier situation a couple of times in his head but he had never thought what he would do afterwards. He fiddled the hem of his shirt, trying to make out a very clear picture. What he wanted and what was the best way to handle this. He was so deadly afraid of hurting Remus that he was not sure if he could just throw himself into the relationship. 

His gaze remained on his hands. A small smile crept on his face. “Look at us, being all serious.” Usually he would have at least chuckled at the end of the statement but now just a wistful look remained on his face. “I get it, it’s what’s holding me back, the fear of not knowing how things are gonna end up for us.” He looked up to Remus’ eyes. “But don’t think I’m not interested. You really think I’d kiss you because you’re easy? Remus...” He shook his head and pursed his lips. “Listen, James, Lily, whoever, they don’t matter here. And,” he laughed a bit. “I’m not gay nor am I straight. I don’t know. I just like people, I guess.” He didn’t need to put himself into any category. He understood that some people found it comforting or empowering to him it just seemed unnecessary and somehow confining. Normally he would have closed the gap between them and given him a hug but now the action seemed a bit out of place. “Don’t do that. Don’t start talking yourself down here and now. I’ve never considered you a bore, and I never will. Do you think we could have ever been best friends if I secretly thought you were boring? Think about it.” Sirius believed rational arguments worked best with Remus. Even with problems as deeply rooted as a poor self-confidence, critical thinking was the best.

He could feel a weight lift off of his heart. He was not the only one feeling conflicted about the situation. “I, too, have feelings for you,” he told him sincerely. “Have had them for quite some time to be honest,” he added and bit his lip. It was weird confessing it. He had kept the feelings buried so deep that it was odd to finally actually say them out loud. “I mean, we can keep going on about this. Or we can just... go for it?”

[flamingbones-deactivated2017021]

A rushing, swirling noise. Then specks of orange and yellow filling her vision, before her green eyes completely adjusted to the dusk. Amelia landed on the paved Londoner street with a click of her heels, long ago having become used to the sensation of apparition. Her gaze found the bag she was carrying, peeking inside. The bottle of red wine was still where it should be, nothing broken or leaking. She wasn’t even relieved.

Mostly, she was just numb.

The young woman cursed the loud sounds her shoes were making as she walked to the door leading to her small apartment. She was positive this had been the worst week of her whole life. Nothing was safe – not even those few steps until home felt quite secure enough, she could still be ambushed after all. She had been cautious before. Now, with Edgar’s death, she was sure she was slowly becoming paranoid. Who wouldn’t be if their brother was killed by Death Eaters, if the Ministry wasn’t a fort of strength anymore like Amelia had once believed? The hidden grip on her wand was strong and ever-present nowadays.

They had been lucky enough to collect a body. Edgar’s funeral would be held in a few days and until then, his sister didn’t know how to pass the days but with work, grief and a bottle of alcohol or two. She felt empty. Everything she had so steadfastly believed in before… It was all shaking with doubt and darkness.

In the semi-darkness behind her, a noise reached her ears. The hand gripping her wand beneath her robes pulled it out in one swift motion, promptly turning to face whoever was there with a trained tip of her wand.

[sirivss-blvck]

For some reason, Sirius had started to take walks in the evening. It was mostly to get some peace and quiet, Potters’ house could feel a bit too crammed every now and then. Lately it seemed that more frequently. Everyone was on the fence and the easy-going atmosphere that had once filled the house, had been damaged. 

For some reason, the attacks had not made him feel any more scared than he had already been. He just did not think they would make another move straightaway ( according to Sirius’ logic ) . This had seemed like some kind of retaliation after the death of the Malfoys. But he was now very much more aware of the fact that anyone could die. The deaths of numerous people had proven that. People he had known personally. He had been lucky enough not to lose anyone really important for him like James, Remus, Lily or Peter. 

He snapped out of his thoughts when he heard the loud crack when a familiar figure appeared in front of him. The vision in front of him made his stomach twist. 

Amelia Bones looked absolutely crestfallen. 

He stopped walking and watched her fumble for her keys. He was not sure if he should have asked for her well-being or not: was she a person who liked to talk about her sorrows or did she prefer to heal herself in solitude? He had not come to a decision before Amelia already turned around with her wand readied. He held his hands up quickly and let out an awkward chuckle. “Let’s not make any quick decisions, okay? It’s just me, Sirius. Can you please just put the wand away?”

[fromwilds]

For once, Remus didn’t know what Sirius was thinking. He felt this electricity between them, pulling them closer together. He didn’t say anything after Remus kissed him, and he couldn’t tell if he had just messed up everything that had been comfortable about their relationship. But maybe he didn’t want comfort anymore. He wanted what he wanted; he wanted what felt right. Maybe it was because of the heightened tensions of the War and he very much felt like he had to live every day like it was his last. Maybe the kiss would change their relationship, but how could they know it wouldn’t be for the better?

Sirius must have been feeling some of the same things, because suddenly his hand was on Remus’s collarbone and he was pulling him towards him again and kissing him. It was more forceful than the last kiss and part of Remus’s brain couldn’t ignore that he was kissing his best friend. What would happen to their friendship? What would James and Lily and Peter say if they found out? They couldn’t find out. Was this a one time thing? Were they going to date? But Remus couldn’t think about that for long, because this kiss felt better than anything he had ever experienced before. He had often heard about girls fawning over how attractive Sirius was in school. James had never gotten it, and Remus tried to act like he didn’t, but his general attraction to men coupled with the undeniable attraction to Sirius that he often just brushed aside, he couldn’t deny it.

Remus pulled away from the kiss, searching Sirius’s eyes for an answer to any of the questions running through his head. “Home,” he repeated, disapparating while still holding onto Sirius. He wasn’t sure how long they had been in the corridor. He was afraid Lily and James would be home, or had noticed their disappearances and were looking for them. There were so many doubts and fears in his head, but he just wanted to be alone with Sirius for the moment. That’s the thing that mattered most.

[sirivss-blvck]

The sigh of the Potters’ house made him relax a bit. Maybe Lily and James were inside --- maybe not, most people were staying at the hospital. It would not have surprised him if Lily had decided to watch over Alice for the night. James would have undoubtedly stayed with her. It was probably wishful thinking: he didn’t want to walk through the front door and see the Potters’ faces full of curiosity. He did not want to say anything, answer any question relating to him and Remus. Mostly because he had no answers to give. He had no idea what was happening. 

He gingerly unlocked the door before looking back at Remus, as if waiting for him to tell him to go ahead and open it. It was the first time he looked at him properly. He had an expression that mirrored his own. One full of confusion and impatience. He stepped inside the front hall but heard no voices which indicated that no one was home. He sighed in relief. 

“So...” It was odd; Sirius was never short of words. The stakes were too high for him to screw anything up here though, he really had to think what to say and how to phrase it. “What does this mean, really?” He asked and his hand gestured between them. He was not sure what kind of an answer he wanted. Did he want something more? He feared that it would set off the balance the four of them had. He was afraid that he might screw it up at some point that he realized he did not feel so strongly about Remus as he should have. It would not have been a stretch to say that Sirius was one of the most important figures in Remus life, one of the people he could lean on. What would happen if Sirius ruined it and could no longer be there for Remus? What would Sirius do when he did not have Remus to talk to? No one could replace him. The list of what ifs was endless but eh could not help but to think about them. “Do you want it to be something?”

[fromwilds]

There was something about the tone in Sirius’s voice that calmed him down. He always seemed calmer around Remus; more tender. James and Sirius were always more like loud school children when they interacted. He relaxed a little more when Sirius wrapped his arms around him, but at the same time he became hyperaware that they were touching each other; holding each other. He didn’t know what had changed, maybe he just never really gave much thought to Sirius in that way but as soon as he thought about it even for a second, it was all he could think about. 

He buried his face in Sirius’s chest and clutched onto his shirt, just breathing in his scent and trying not to cry. He felt so safe around Sirius, and for the first time, it actually scared him. What if he didn’t feel the same way? What was Remus even feeling? Was it because Sirius was comfortable? Was he safe? Was this love? Was it friendship?

“Yeah, home,” Remus muttered, looking up at Sirius. It was slightly dark in the corridor, and his face was slightly obscured by shadows, but they were so close. They were about the same height as well, so when he looked up, they were just inches away from each other and Remus’s heart was pounding so loudly in his chest that he felt like Sirius would be able to hear it. He wasn’t thinking clearly. He was barely thinking at all. It was through this haze that he leaned forward and kissed him. It was soft and quick, probably too long and yet not long enough at the same time. And as soon as he did it, he immediately regretted it because he knew he had messed up, he knew Sirius was going to be angry at him; maybe even never talk to him again. He may have just messed up their entire relationship all for a stupid selfish kiss. Yet, he wanted nothing more than to do it again. He just looked at Sirius, his eyes wide. “Sirius, I-”

[sirivss-blvck]

Sirius did not usually find himself tense around Remus but when he found his lips inches apart from Remus’, Sirius just could not remain casual. If it had been anyone else than Remus, he would have already pressed his lips against his. He was just too scared. What good could it do? He was so incredibly selfish for wanting Remus at that moment.  He was almost ready to mess up the delicate balance the two had. One kiss. It could not hurt, could it?

Sirius did not need to argue with himself because just when he was about to make a quick pro and cons list in his mind, he felt Remus place a gentle kiss on his lips. His breath hitched in his throat: this was what he -- they, apparently -- had been holding off. It was almost just as he had found himself imaging on a few occasions, before shrugging it off. He had told himself that he could not think anything like that, not about Remus. Remus who had just kissed him. The small pleasant tingle still lingered on his lips and he looked into Remus’ eyes. He wanted more. It was as if he had been given just a sip of water when he was withering. Thousands of questions were running through his head. What did this mean? Was Remus kissing him just because he needed someone? Could it be that Remus really might like him? Would this ruin everything they had built so far? He saw the panic on Remus’ face and realized he had to say something, do something. Sirius decided to do the most idiotic thing that popped into his head that moment. Something so utterly selfish that it almost made his regret it instantly. 

Sirius pulled Remus into another kiss. This one was not quite as innocent and pure as Remus’ had been. His other hand held Remus closer to him while the other rested by his collar bone. He knew how bad an idea this was, how easily their friendship could turn into something bitter and complicated. But he just could not stop, not when this was something he had thought so many times, only to deem it impossible. He wanted to get lost in the moment, stop thinking and only concentrate on the softness of Remus’s lips. If he only could do that. He ended the kiss begrudgingly and when the magic of the situation seemed to disappear, all of his doubts flooded back into his head. “So, uhmm... home?” He avoided direct eye contact as he drew away. He just wanted to apparate to the Potter’s. Run away from the situation.

[fromwilds]

Remus stayed silent for a while, just watching Sirius’s facial expressions change from concerned to contemplative, to suddenly slightly cheerful. Without thinking, Remus slumped down onto the ground and rested his head in Sirius’s lap. He thought about taking it back as soon as he did it; he didn’t want to make him uncomfortable or scare him. But this was the most calm Remus had felt in the last 24 hours, and he just wanted to stay that way. He closed his eyes and listened to Sirius talk. Remus didn’t feel like he was brave enough to be in the Order. Whenever anything bad happened, everyone stood up to fight without even thinking about it. Remus usually panicked and went through a crisis, like he was currently doing. Sure, he’d eventually come to the terms that he needed to stand up and do something–he always did–but it always took him longer than it seemed like it did for the others.

“I just-” Remus paused, not knowing how to explain all he was feeling. “I feel so stupid.” His voice cracked on the last word and he hoped he wouldn’t start crying. In hindsight, this probably wasn’t the best position for him to be in; Sirius could see him directly, so if he started crying, he would notice immediately. And yet, he had no desire to move. “I’m a weapon,” he said quietly. It had been repeating over and over in his head and he didn’t know what to do. “Do you know what could have happened if-”

He shot up suddenly, his back towards Sirius. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. He was being such a coward; he did this time and time again and he didn’t know how to stop it. He wanted to get out of these self-loathing cycles, but at the same time, he had to think about how dangerous it could be for his friends if he stuck around. “I’m a weapon,” he repeated. “A weapon.” 

[sirivss-blvck]

Sirius shifted in his seat when Remus abruptly decided to lay his head on his lap. His lips remained in that light smile but his eyes grew solemn. The event had affected him more than Sirius initially had expected. He brushed some of Remus’ brown hair off of his face. His fingers lingered on his head and Sirius licked her lips as he listened to Remus’ faltering voice. 

Sirius could understand the feeling. He felt stupid too, he felt like a child who had been too gullible, too idealistic. He had blindly trusted everyone at the Order, he had believed that everyone was his friend, and trustworthy. He was taking it very personally even though it was Remus who was really suffering. It was Remus who had been betrayed. “I know,” Sirius muttered and looked into his eyes. What was the right to say here? If it had been James, Sirius would have been screaming in anger and cursing everyone until James told him to cool down. With Remus there could be none of that, Remus did not express his feelings in a grandeur manner and Sirius had always believed that if there was something that drew Remus away from him was whenever he got too loud. “You’re not a...” Sirius started but Remus already cut him off. “Stop it,” Sirius almost pleaded and tried to reach out for Remus’ hand before the other boy already was out of his reach. 

It took him a short moment of hesitation before he got on his feet too. “Moony, you’re being stupid.” His voice was both gentle but firm. “You are not a weapon,” he told him as he wrapped his arms around the gangling body of Remus. The soft scent of his soap smelled oddly comforting. “You’re a friend. You’re a person, you’re not some object that can be exploited. You’re the most wonderful person on this earth, Moony.” He was very well aware that they must have looked odd: two grown men hugging in a brightly lit hospital corridor. And suddenly it made him uncomfortable: anyone could see them, hear them. This was something private. “Let’s go home, Alice and Marls will be here tomorrow. We can come back then.”

[thegrimwitch]

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Heavy Stone || Kyla La Grange

[its-regblck-blog]

He hadn’t heard Sirius approaching, so he let out a strangled gasp as he yanked him up.  Before he saw his brother’s face he was certain that this was one of the Death Eaters, coming to finish him off on the Dark Lord’s command.  He was sure that someone had figured out that he hadn’t been bested by Marlene McKinnon, but that he had let her go.  “I–” he started, trying to calm down, but still not feeling at ease, considering the look on his brother’s face.  But he knew Sirius wouldn’t actually hurt him.  He’d yell and scream, but he wouldn’t hurt him like the Death Eaters would.

“I didn’t.  Sirius– I… I didn’t.”

[sirivss-blvck]

His grip on the boy’s robes just kept tightening as Regulus started mumbling. It was so infuriating: Sirius could see that Reg had a problem with the actions of the Death Eaters but still... Regulus did not leave. How could Sirius ever appreciate him if he was so weak that he could not do the right thing even though it was the easiest thing in the world? The way his name fell off Regulus’ lips concerned him. Regulus seemed so absolutely beaten down. It was not enough to calm Sirius down though. “You didn’t what?” he hissed quietly, knowing far too well that al eyes and ears were on them now. He did not need people eavesdropping on his private conversation. “Kill Marlene? Big fucking whoop.”

[lilyevanssx-deactivated20180325]

“Hercules, huh?” Lily asked, without looking up. “Are they trying to play teacher’s pet or do they truly see the resemblance? I think you need a bit more muscle to pass as Hercules, Sir.” She grinned pulling her scarf closer around her neck as he sat down beside her. “I suppose I could take a break, but I’m actually wedding planning.” Passing the book over to him, she pointed at the ballroom she was looking at. “Trying to decide between outside and inside, and I am completely torn. Blimey, I sound like such a little girl.”

[sirivss-blvck]

Sirius gasped in feigned shock. “The audacity, how can you even imply that I am not Hercules material? Wit, the face and the bod; I am the whole package. You’ve just been infected with that married woman disease. You are just blinded by it,” he explained as well as he could through his laughter. He took the book and eyed every page briefly, it was so Lily to make a book for planning. “Nah, the venue’s pretty relevant. It all comes ot one question: when’s the wedding? If it’s ni summer outside is fine, even though there’s a risk of rain but in other cases you should just give up and go with some building.”

[fromwilds]

Sirius was probably the only person Remus could tolerate at that moment. He thought he wanted to be alone, but as soon as he saw Sirius standing over him, he wanted nothing more than for him to sit down next to him so Remus could crawl into his arms and stay there. 

You’re exactly the person I was looking for. Remus didn’t know how that could be. How Sirius and James still wanted to be friends with him. Didn’t they see how dangerous he was? Didn’t they see he wasn’t worth it? Now that the Death Eaters knew about him, no one was safe around him. What was to say they wouldn’t try to use him during the next full moon? And he was sure they would stop at nothing to get to him. They would hurt Lily, James, Sirius, even Harry. And Remus couldn’t bear to live with that.

“I need to leave,” he said, completely ignoring his friend’s question. He couldn’t live with Lily and James anymore. This time it wasn’t for his pride; it wasn’t that he felt he was a burden. This time, it was because he needed to leave. No one was safe around him. He flinched slightly when Sirius touched his hands. He didn’t expect anyone to want to be so gentle with him, when he was what he was. He could never get used to it; never fully trust it. He knew Sirius didn’t think anything of it, but Remus always thought of everything. He tried to brush off how comfortable he felt around Sirius, tried not to think about how they crossed the line between friends and something more so many times without saying anything about it. The world was at war, and all Remus could think of was if he had feelings for Sirius, and he couldn’t say it out loud, because he didn’t know; even if he did know, Sirius didn’t feel the same, and he didn’t want to ruin what was so good, so comfortable. He didn’t want to scare one of his best friends away. 

“I need to move,” he clarified. It was ridiculous. He wouldn’t be able to get somewhere to live, especially not now. He’d have to get creative; move around a lot among Muggles, like when he was a kid. He grabbed onto Sirius’s hand, hoping maybe he’d take the cue and sit down next to him. He didn’t like how far away he seemed, standing towering above him. He didn’t know how we holding up, he didn’t know what he was saying or doing or feeling. He was angry and scared and confused. “I don’t know.”

[sirivss-blvck]

“You need to leave?” Sirius repeated, unintended nuance of hurt in his voice. “Where?” he asked dumbfounded. It was ridiculous. Remus had no where to go, he was in the same overly poor situation as Sirius himself. Sirius hated it so much: the disdain Remus had for himself. Remus could hide it very well, he really could, but along the years Sirius had learned to pick up on the small hints Remus slipped. He could even read his Remus’ expressions well enough to notice whenever he got into a mood. 

And he was in a mood. He was at that self-loathing mood that Sirius had found impossible to erase. He had tried and tried to the point where he was frustrated at his own incapability. A few years back he had thought he had made great improvement and then the war began tampering with their lives and both he and Remus got nowhere in life, for different reasons but they both were so damn stuck. Sirius thumb gently caressed the soft skin of Remus’ hand. He found it so terribly impossible to resist it. He never thought twice about touching Remus:  somehow their legs were always tangled together whenever they shared a sofa or Sirius played with a strand of Remus’ hair for no good reason. But sometimes ti struck him: no, this was not casual physical contact people had with their friends. Hell, Sirius had probably never touched James’ hair. The thought popped into his mind and he always stopped for a brief moment, before pushing the thought out of his head. The current moment was no different: his thumb stopped moving for a second or two, before he shrugged and resumed the repetitive action. 

“No you don’t,” Sirius stated in a passive voice as he sat down next to Remus. The topic was not up for discussion, no matter how bad Remus felt. “You are bunking with me at the Potters. How am I supposed to get through their lovey-dovey just married shit without someone to share my anguish with? I can’t roll my eyes with Harry, can I?” Sometimes Sirius got annoyed with himself when he could not keep the conversation serious. He always had to throw in a joke or just tried to keep the conversation casual. Someone had once told him that he used humour as a defense mechanism. That he had serious problems with handling mature issues. Truthfully, Sirius did not doubt it. “That crappy then, huh,” Sirius muttered with a sad smile that was meant to look comforting. “At least we all are in one piece.”

[fromwilds]

Remus was stupid for thinking he was safe. He was stupid for thinking that his secret was safe after all the hints. There were too many people who hinted to him that they knew; people who shouldn’t have. And yet, he was arrogant. He thought that no one could possibly know; they were just messing with him to make him nervous. But it was such a specific secret. And the fact that they were able to find them in the Shrieking Shack confirmed that they had a spy; someone he thought he could trust.

He was sitting in a desolate corridor at St Mungo’s. So many people had been hurt: Alice, Marlene, Daisy… And those who weren’t hurt were left almost as bad: scared, angry, paranoid. Remus didn’t want to see anyone right now, and yet he couldn’t stand to be home, completely alone. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to disappear for a second; to quell all the thoughts racing through his head. 

The Death Eaters tried to use his transformed state to their advantage. They had tried to release him on hundreds of innocent people, and he would have done their job for them. Remus had no morality when he was like that, he would have ripped everyone apart, killed children, friends, professors, anyone in his path. They knew his secret, it was easy for them to follow his habits; to try and do that again. He wasn’t safe anymore. He was so foolish for thinking he was. No one he loved was safe anymore. 

He began to pull at his hair, biting down hard on his lip to try and find some control. He heard approaching footsteps and looked up at who was coming. “I don’t know what you’re looking for but I’m positive it’s not me.”

[sirivss-blvck]

Sirius scoffed at his friends melodramatic sentence. It was not a harsh scoff, it was simply the only response he could muster up a that moment. He wanted to sit next to Remus and just wrap his arms around him; he looked that miserable. He was, without a doubt, thinking the exact same thing as they all were: who had sold him out? Who had told the Death Eaters to go search for them at the Shrieking Shack? 

“You’re exactly the person I was looking for,” he told him sincerely and stopped to stand in front of him. He had a sad smile on his lips as he wondered what was the right thing to say here. The past 24 hours had been excruciating, he was sure that Remus did not need to be reminded of the fact that someone had betrayed him --- them. Bu was he supposed to let it drop? Start talking about something happy and cheerful? The doubt would fester and turn into something worse like paranoia. 

“I don’t wanna sound cliche but how are you holding up?” Read: on a scale to one to ten how much crap do you feel like? Sirius reached out for Remus’ delicate hand and softly drew it away from his poor hair. “Don’t do that, you’ll go bald before you hit 50.”

[its-regblck-blog]

He sat with his eyes vacantly staring out in front of him– he knew he had made the right decision in letting Marlene go, but he also knew that it was going to have dire consequences if anyone found out.  He was a good actor– he was good at playing the part, at being a seemingly inept child rather than a defiant enemy.  But he wasn’t sure it was going to work this time.

“I’m not in the mood to talk.”

[sirivss-blvck]

Sirius felt anger swell up in him at the sight of his brother’s gloomy face. How did he dare to look like that when the people he fraternized with had done this?Sirius took long strides and in no time was in front of his little brother. He grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and yanked him to his feet. “How could you do this?” he spat, his voice cracking. He was both angry and hurt. Hurt that his brother would decide to associate himself with murderers. He glared at him with fire burning in his eyes. He really wanted to know what his excuse would be.

[sirivss-blvck]

truthfuliarx:

Rita smiled. “It’s odd for me, isn’t it?“ And it began, unfolding before her eyes, as every story did. She tried to imagine it as detailed as possible, despite Sirius not sharing anything more but the important bits. She liked a detailed story, her imagination awarded her with that even if it was sore.

She didn’t know whether she should smile or not, but not to kill the mood she decided to just keep her previous attitude, adding a grin to it. “That woman’s crazy. It’s funny though,“ Rita made a pause, and squinted her eyes a bit. “She is terrible to you and then expects you to stay. That’s against all laws.“

Skeeter was surprisingly positive today - honestly positive, not manipulative positive. She kind of liked it. “Well…“ her left hand ran across his shoulder and back to it’s original position. “The plus side of being an orphan, is that you don’t get a parent to scream in your face, and you also, don’t get to obey the ‘My roof, my rules.‘ thing.“ She paused, trying to move in the rhythm of the music. “The minus side is, that you have to literally put up with ‘usurpers‘ and around fifteen other kids. Funnily, all of them also had to put up with me.“ Rita let out a laugh. “It was terrible. Almost every Christmas I wanted to go home, but then I remembered where home was. And I stayed in the Castle. There were two holidays in which I returned, as I received a notice there might be possible adopters, but that wasn’t the case. I was a lot more different then.”

“One night, when I did return there, I believe sixth grade, the lady working there, the one I hated from the bottom of my heart threatened me with my life. It appears she had researched my parents and was afraid of me. So I just vanished, and returned to the castle earlier. Right after that I was all on my own, but to be fair - I were always on my own, ever since the age of four.“ She started feeling that thing she always avoided - weakness. The feeling she had isolated from her heart seven years ago, but recently it has become a habit for it to return and attack her constantly. She didn’t realise, the forceful squeeze she had applied onto Sirius’ right hand.

“Laws... or just common sense. Maybe it was the principle there, I kinda did mess up that family for good. Tarnished the name or something,” he chuckled along. She had a way of making him feel at ease. Certainly one of the most interesting people at the fundraiser. Which was terribly curious, who would have thought that Rita Skeeter of all people would prove to be so fun around. He had thought for a very long time that she was only capable of making him uneasy and wary. 

It was odd to talk about something so personal with her, he truly did believe that this was a part of her that she did not show too many people. It was a sensitive topic, understandably, he found himself admiring her nonchalance. “But it would seem that another plus side is that you got character. Maybe you’d be a push-over if you had been raised in a house smelling of freshly baked cookies.” It wasn’t a real silver-lining. He got that, it was ridiculous to even suggest that having emotional strength was better than having a set of loving parents. “The Christmases here were the best in my opinion. I stayed every year. The best seven Christmases of my life.” He had not been a very festive person, he had not liked holidays much, not until he had had wonderful people around him to share them with. Now Sirius got excited over Christmas and Easter like any other John on the street. 

He desperately wanted to hear more but he also did not want the mood to drop too low. The distraught in her was evident and he was not sure if he should have told her something encouraging or say he felt --- sorry? for her. “I think it takes the right people. Your orphanage lady sounds like a terrible person, the kids sound tense. But what about friends? Even the infamous Rita Skeeter must have friends. Were they the lucky kids who had a soft smiling mother at home waiting for their return or what was the problem with the castle?” 

[lilyevanssx-deactivated20180325]

Lily sat outside, a book in her hands, as she tried desperately to focus on something other than the war; on something other than the past weekend. It had started so well. James and Mary made the castle feel like home once more, although she was pretty sure she’d always feel like home at Hogwarts. She felt someone shadow her light, and without glancing up, she said, “You make a nice umbrella, you know.”

[sirivss-blvck]

“That’s a new one; usually people compare me to Hercules or the sort,” Sirius laughed and threw himself on the bench beside her. He took the gloves off of his hands and pushed them into his pockets. He hated how cold the air was getting, it meant dressing up whenever he wanted to go for a quick bike ride. The humidity also made his hair lie flat on his head. “I get that reading is cool to you nerds, but have you considered doing something actually fun for a change?”