Boomkins Don't Lie

I write down everything on my mind, most of the time in short story form, and a lot of the time pertaining to video games (Usually World of Warcraft) or other random nonsense. I also love puns, so expect to see some. I've been playing video games for as long as I remember, and MMOs for the past 10 years or so. It has become a big part of my life, not so much for the game itself, but rather for the people I play it with. I started writing little snippets here and there last year, and it has grown into quite a hobby. I enjoy writing, so as long as I have something to write about, i'm not going to stop. Being an amateur writer, I know my stuff isn't perfect, so feel free to give me any sort of criticism you may have. I encourage it.

[sivelliar]

Creative Experiment

I’m going to conduct an experiment. It has been a long time since I’ve written any sort of article, or journal entry, or anything like that. I’ve lost all of my previous writings, at least the ones that I didn’t have uploaded somewhere like the cloud or Tumblr. It feels almost like a fresh start. ANYWAY I digress. I’m going to start writing whatever is on my mind, then I’m going to become…inebriated…and see how much my thought patterns change under those kinds of conditions. There’s no real goal with this experiment. It’s mainly for shits and giggles, but I just finished a long day at work, and I’m still pumped about having a computer, so I’m going to roll with it. Without further ado… here are my sober thoughts.

I think a lot about what criminals do wrong when they commit crimes, which in turn has me concerned that I may have the mind of a criminal, but then I remember that even if I did have the mind of a criminal I’m far too lazy to commit to anything like that, and  those thoughts get balanced back out. I really want to write a long story about my Island on Animal Crossing, but from the perspective of my villagers. I want everyone else to see what I imagine my villagers are thinking and doing when im not around, and about how insane they think I must be. I did sort of the same thing years ago with “Diary of a Garrison Magus”, a daily journal I created, written by the mage in the Draenor Garrison in WoW that holds open the portal to Ashran (by the way, its been so long since I’ve played that game I had to really dig deep to remember the names of places in it. I just think it’s hilarious to imagine that as the hero of a video game you constantly fuck up everything outside of the story of the game. You really have no concept of appreciation for the little man as a hero. In Legend of Zelda, who honestly can’t say they’ve done hundreds of thousands of Rupees worth of pottery damage. Those pots are someones livelihood, and you just come in and “HYAAHHHH” them to pieces.

On top of that , I don’t know if other people do this too, but when I hear certain songs all I can imagine is where that song would play in my life movie, and what would be happening. I found a song a few weeks ago that made me day dream about surprising everyone I know with sick dance moves while its playing at like…a wedding…or something im not sure yet.

 3 HOURS LATER

Now that I’ve gotten myself good and high, I feel it is the perfect time for me to continue us on the tale of the journey through my brain. Today’s episode focuses on the affect of my brain when subjected to weed…and pizza, but more pizza than weed, and there wasn’t weed in the pizza, so maybe this should more be a story about my creativity on pizza. 84% of scientologists agreed that when a pizza is involved in a statistic you only get a piece of the pie, and the rest goes to charity. This months pie charity is the Black Lives Matter movement, founded by Malcolm X and MLK during Civil Rights. 1 slice of every pizza will be personally shipped and delivered to someone in need. If there is pineapple on said pizza a lawsuit will be filed against the customer for the surgical costs of replacing tastebuds. Do they sell taste buds on the black market? They could make a killing. Everyone knows that tastebuds eventually grow into Tastetrees, which is also the name of my restaurant where we only prepare and sell food made from trees…Not the stuff that grows on the trees…the trees themselves.  So Bark, leaves, the whole shebang. Its like a salad…but crunchy and gross, but it cant have tomatos so…thank god. I love things WIIITTTHHH tomatoes in them, but lets be honest, they are weird. The texture is the worst part. Ill still make tomato sauce though. If tomatoes all vanished tomorrow what would we throw at people who cant do things right? Someday I’m going to comedy on a stage and I damn well better get hit with some tomatoes. Getting booed off a stage as a comedian is a rite of passage. Ok so new idea for my restaurant, Tastetrees, instead of making dishes from the parts of trees, ill just have different breeds? Types? Species?  of trees growing in the restaurant and people can pay us money to lick them to see what they taste like. Also don’t worry, I already figured out how to prevent people from licking the trees without paying first. We will wrap the trees in electrified barbed wire and turn it off after someone pays for that specific tree. But what if someone tries to run and put lick the same tree as another person. It specifically says in  our store guidelines that double licksies is not allowed and get you banned. That wont keep people from trying though. There are some real weirdos out there. I guess to prevent that from happening we could include pressure sensors around the trees, where if the weight on the sensor gets activated it will alert the home security system that shoots poison darts. We don’t fuck around at Tastetrees. You double Licksies you get a dart to the gullet. That’s actually our mission statement. Has been since day 2. Day 1 it was something like “The customer always comes first” but then people kept trying to say we let them lick an oak instead of a poplar, which is absurd because no one in their right mind would ever actually pay to lick poplar. Anyway, the guy who made the first mission statement has been heard from since that day, and we changed our statement to fit the true mentality of our business. Don’t forget to hit that like button and subscribe for more content. Im going to lay in my bed and cuddle my dog will listening to lofi hip hop.

[sivelliar]

Sexual Partner Confusion

Recently it has come to my attention that there is a score sheet for sexual partners, and there is heavy debate about what counts for a sexual partner and what doesn’t. I am here as your loyal friend to clear the Air.

·         Penetration counts for 1

·         Any other normal sexual encounter counts for 1 (Hand, mouth, foot stuff)

·         Any time NO is stated it no longer counts as a sexual encounter

·         If the other person is deceased it still counts for 1

·         Having sex with a sleeping individual does NOT COUNT for a point.

·         Having sexual relations with a makeshift hole on the other individual counts for 1

·         Sex with non-humans counts for one

·         Having sex with artificial genitalia does not count for a point, unless it has been surgically attached to the other person

·         Having sex with an individual who had someone else’s vagina/penis transplanted onto themselves, counts for 2 (1 for both of them)

·         Every separate toe gap you fuck on another person’s foot counts as a separate sexual encounter.

·         Fucking a girl with 2 heads counts for 2, given both heads participate.

·         Having relations with an individual with multiple personalities gives you 1 point for each separate personality.

·         If you can manage to fuck yourself, that counts for 1

·         If you have a 2nd penis transplanted onto yourself and can fuck a girl in the ass and vagina at the same time, you get 2.

·         As a lesbian if you let another girl stick her foot in your vagina, you get a yeast infection.

·         If you are going to town on your partner and a buddy walks in the room shouting DIBS not only do you and your buddy both get 1, but the receiver gets 2

·         Having relations with a person of small stature (a little person if you will) counts for ½ a point, BUT if you add another little person on top and throw on a trench coat it is a full point.

·         A sexual encounter does not count if it is not remembered by the point receiver.

·         If you are disguised as another person and fuck someone else, both you and the person you are disguised as get 1. Same goes on the receiving end. If you fuck someone disguised as another, they BOTH get 1

·         If you fuck a member of the Trump family, your board is wiped cleaned, and you will forever be at -1 no matter the amount of future sexual encounters.

I must remind you all that these rules and regulations for determining sexual partners is non-negotiable. It is written upside down with invisible ink on the United States Bill of Rights.

[sivelliar]

The World Isn’t Black and White

We currently live in a world of people with absolute minds. "this is right and this is wrong." "this is good and this is bad" That sort of mindset is entirely based on morality, and that morality can be based on multiple things. Primarily though, one's morality (at least in the 21st century) is based on someone telling them what to believe. Even if you can't see it, the things you think are right and wrong aren't entirely your own individual opinion. When it comes to the opposite ends of the morality spectrum, there are no true separating boundaries. The line between the 2 is very blurred. That is because the idea of a definitive "right and wrong” "good and bad" is absurd. Bad people do good things, and good people do bad things.

Adolf Hitler, one of the biggest villains known to modern man, wasn't a completely terrible person. he was an influential leader, and aside from the...you know...mass genocide...he managed to lead the country of Germany through very difficult times, and basically bring it back from a point of near collapse. (by the way I in no way support his war tactics.) Winston Churchill, the British leader that was a role model through WWII for his campaign to victory, for some reason was a symbol for peace. In reality Winston Churchill didn't want peace. He wanted war, and conflict. Soon after WWII was resolved he was voted out of office. He had no idea how to lead a country that wasn't at war.

At the end of the day people are neither good or bad. As a collective, we are all flawed. Every decision ever made was made because the person who made it thought it was the right thing at that moment. Wars have been started because leaders want what is best for their people. Laws are passed (or broken) because the people affected by them feel it is necessary. That's not to say there aren't consequences for breaking laws, of course. To me the biggest consequence of all though is doing something you normally wouldn't do, and haven't to look at yourself in the mirror to say "did I do the right thing?" and not seeing yourself in the reflection.

[sivelliar]

Ba Da Da Du

Ba Da Da Du. The term reverberates through my brain like a thought I had decades ago that  keeps bouncing back into the foreground long enough for me to contemplate its meaning. To the average person “ Ba Da Da Du” is gibberish, but to me it has a much deeper significance. To really find the truth behind it I had to think back to the beginning of my thought process; to the first thing I recollect from my childhood. I woke up that morning about 10 years old and I had no idea who I wanted to be. Every day my life goal changed. I wanted to be a singer, then a basketball player, and at one point I wanted to ride horses. None of those options really fit my personality, so I kept thinking.

It took until the ripe age of about fourteen or fifteen before I finally started to grasp a concept of my future. I was in high school at the time, and I was love struck by a girl in my chemistry class. I couldn’t get her out of my head. She was my first “real” crush, and at the time all I wanted to do was wake up next to her. She didn’t notice me at first though, so for a year or two I just sat on the sidelines hoping she would glance over at me for our eyes to meet, and she would feel the same spark I felt every time she walked in the room. One day I finally had my chance when our English teacher put us in the same group for a book project. I pushed through my nervousness and started a conversation, and we immediately hit it off. We had three weeks to work on the book project, so we had to spend some time together outside of school to get it done…oh and two other people were in our group as well, but they are basically loose baggage in this story. I don’t even remember their names at this point.

ANYWAY the first time we met after school to work on the book project we decided to go to the mall’s food court. I knew when I woke up that day I would be the guy who went along with her. We were truly hitting it off. Aside from our mutual love of literature, we basically had the same general personality. We went together like a black turtleneck sweater and blue jeans. Our project was finished within a couple of hours of the first project meeting (no thanks to the two other nameless people. Congrats on the free A). Afterwards, she and I walked around the mall for a few hours talking about ourselves, and life in general. She struggled with a lack of purpose, much like me. Her ambition was to be a soccer player, but a severe knee injury ruined that dream.

After that day at the mall we spent every day together for the remainder of our grade schooling. We always ate lunch together, tried to take the same classes, joined the same extra-curricular clubs (debate club champs of 2008), and even went to all of the same social gatherings and parties outside of school. Every moment I spent with her my infatuation grew and I really wanted to tell her, but I was scared. Every party we went to, if I got drunk I just wanted to get drunk next to her. Even when I was an idiot and put my foot in my mouth when I spoke, I wanted to do that with her.

The unfortunate law of the world is that nothing is perfect, and nothing good (or bad) lasts forever. During our senior year we both got accepted to the same university. I was going to study Computers, and she wanted to be a Pharmacy Tech. We both finally had a general understanding of what we wanted to do with ourselves, and we were going to help each other achieve those goals. But like I said, nothing good can last forever. On the last day of senior year, she came to me with sorrow in her eyes and explained that she got a full ride acceptance to an amazing college accompanied by an internship for her field across the country. It was an opportunity she couldn’t pass up, which I understood, but I was still sad that my best friend would be five hundred miles away from me. We graduated that summer and said our solemn goodbyes as we parted ways to fulfill our goals.

During all four years of college, every chance I got I would go to see her five hundred miles away. I told myself I had to, even if I had to walk it, to keep our friendship alive. I couldn’t just lose her to distance. She was too important to me. Some weekends I would make my trip out there directly after a long day of classes or work, and once I arrived I basically fell over from exhaustion. I always woke up on her couch with a blanket draped over me and a glass of water on the table next to me. My feelings for her escalated more and more as time went on, and I knew it was time I told her the feelings I had kept bottled up for so many years, if they weren’t already painfully obvious.      

I graduated college way before her, mainly because Pharm Tech School is a much longer degree program. For my Computer studies I mainly just had to learn how to tell clients how to restart their PCs and instruct them not to shove things in ports that don’t belong there. She showed up at my graduation unexpectedly which brightened my already bright day even more. After the ceremony we went out to dinner, just the two of us. I told myself this was my chance to spill all of the beans and let her know I was madly in love with her. I just didn’t know how to phrase it. Dinner was silent for the most part. She had a worried look on her face, which made me more worried. I was still building up the courage to tell her I loved her when she told me she wanted to talk to me. Everything I was preparing myself to tell her came flooding out of her mouth to me. She adored me the same way I adored her, she was scared to lose me when we went to different schools, and she wanted us to be closer than we already were. All I could do was smile.

We spent an amazing night together that night, and the next day we decided to make our newfound relationship last as long as possible long distance. I told her I would go one thousand miles to see her if I had to. From that moment on, every day I worked, I worked hard for her. When I got paid from all of that hard work, I used almost every penny to see her, and to pamper her as much as I felt she deserved. In my eyes, the place I was living was not my home. Every trip I made to see her felt like the drive home from a long day. I was crazy about her. I wanted to be the man who grew old with her.

For our one year anniversary I wanted to give her an amazing, elegant gift to show how much she means to me. I scoured the internet and ever mall for miles trying to find the perfect thing, to no avail. That weekend at the end of my five hundred mile trek to see her, I stopped and got a pizza for us to scarf down while we watched a movie or something. When I showed up at her apartment, pizza in hand, I apologized for not having a “real” anniversary gift. She took the pizza out of my hand, smiled, and reminded me the key to every girl’s heart is food. Apparently she also had a difficult time finding a gift for me. We both wanted our gifts to be perfect and magnificent (like I said we have matching personalities). She handed me a jewelry box, and when I opened it there was a bead bracelet. The four beads on the bracelet said Ba Da Da Du. I asked her what it meant, but there was no complete answer. The person who sold it said it was the last four beads they had, and my lovely girlfriend was in a rush to get me a gift so she bought it. She was worried I didn’t like it because it was not relevant to our lives whatsoever, but I adored it. Because it didn’t have a meaning, we could just make our own.

So that’s what we did. When we needed any sort of motivation it was Ba Da Da Du. When work was long and we just wanted to go home and wash the day off of us, Ba Da Da Du meant “don’t sweat the small stuff”. When money was tight, Ba Da Da Du reminded us we needed to treat ourselves. When we were five hundred miles apart, Ba Da Da Du reminded me she will always be there waiting for me when I go home. Ba Da Da Du is happiness. Ba Da Da Du gives us hope for the future. Ba Da Da Du is the push I needed sometimes to go five hundred miles, or even five hundred more. I would walk one thousand miles if I had to, just to be at her door.

[sivelliar]

Take Me Now Illidan (NSFW)

The time had come. Abbygale and her friends finally reached the peak of the Black Temple after many months of strenuous attempts. Not knowing what to expect, the band of adventurers ventured out onto the open floor of the roof to find a hunched over Illidan. He appeared to be in a sort of meditation. As he saw them, he rose to his feet and spread his long wings. Battle soon followed.

Abbygale immediately became infatuated with him. Everything about him was intriguing to her; from the span of his wings, to the way he stood so tall and so proud. She could feel the tragedy that surrounded him. After a long night of dying at the hands of Illidan, her raid group called it quits, and went home empty handed. The evening was over for everyone, except Abbygale. She went straight from the Black Temple to the nearest historian to learn more about Illidan’s tragic past.

She learned all about his brother Malfurion who stole the girl of his dreams, while Illidan was left in the dust to make a new life for himself. With the loss of his one true love, Illidan’s mind went to dark places. Over the span of a few thousand years, he slowly became less Night Elf, and more Demon. Every bad decision and kill he made, he did in the name of Tyrande. Abblygale, now satisfied with her new knowledge, was sure she could cure Illidan of his suffering.

A month passed, as Abby’s raid group continuously attempted to bring down the demonic tyrant, each time getting closer and closer. Finally one night he was on the brink of death, but Illidan got a sudden burst of adrenaline and managed to kill every member of Abby’s raid team except for her. As the only survivor, Illidan flew down and held his warglaive to Abby’s throat, on the verge of sliding it across. This was the closest she has ever gotten to Illidan. As she stared into the glowing green lights where his eyes should be, she could sense all of his pain, and his heartache. “Please don’t kill me. I want to help you.” She said, still with the warglaive against her throat. “I don’t want to hurt you. My raid team did, but they are all dead now. We can get out of here, and go somewhere safe”

Illidan spent a few moments staring at Abby. Just as she could sense his pain and suffering, he could sense her innocence, and her caring nature. Suddenly, Illidan lowers his glaive, grabbed Abby, and flew up into the air. Looking back at the peak of the temple, they could both see Akama and Maiev Shadowsong rushing to the spot where they took off. Maiev looked up at them and shouted, “No matter where you go, you are never safe Illidan. I will hunt you down!”

Illidan, undeterred, continued flying through the skies of the outland with Abby held close to his tattood chest. She had no clue of the outcome of this venture, but for the time being they were safe, and they were together. They landed on an isolated peak in Terrokar Forrest, away from the traffic of adventurers and authority figures. He managed to build a small house here in his spare time. It was very humble looking. It was all wood, but was very sturdy, and built to perfection. The inside was cozy, covered with animal pelts and a roaring fireplace in the corner. It was only big enough to hold a bed, a couch, and a few chairs, with some room in between each.

They both entered the small building. Illidan, with his wingspan as big as it was, had to duck and squeeze his way through the normal sized door. Abby walks right in and plops down on the couch. She knew what he was capable of, so she was weary of saying anything from the start to avoid upsetting him. The they sat in silence for a bit, until eventually Illidan spoke up. “Why don’t you want to kill me? After all of the times I’ve killed you and your friends. After all of the terrible things I’ve done to so many people throughout my long life, and all for selfish reasons.”

“I’m not really sure honestly.” Abby felt comfortable saying now that the silence was broken.

“From the moment I first saw you, I pegged you as a compassionate person. I did my research on you too. Everything you did, you did for the sake of love.”

“You are wrong, I’m not compassionate. I’m a monster! I kill people! You need to stay away from me. I will stop at nothing to get what I deserve.” Illidan started to get mad and stormed out of the house. Abby waited around for a few hours for him to come back, and then fell asleep on the couch. The next few days she spent by herself, wondering if Illidan would ever return. All she wanted was the chance to talk to him and get to know him more. She also wanted him open up to the idea of having someone else in his life besides himself. He had been lonely for a very long time.

One night, in between the ambience of the forest outside, there was a loud “thud!” outside of the house, waking Abby up from her sleep, but only slightly. She heard the creaking of the door opening, and the sound of his hooves walking over to the couch where she was sleeping. Illidan reached down and rolled Abby off of the couch. As she recovered and stood up, she looked at him. He was covered from head to toe in fresh blood and gashes. She watches him as he slowly stumbles over to the bed, and collapses onto it.

Abby spent the next few hours bandaging his heavily scarred body. After a bit of silence, Illidan says “Will you stay with me? I can’t promise I will always be good to you, but I can try. I need someone else in my life to bandage me up when I get knocked down.”

Abby nodded her head with a smile. She sat next to him for the next few hours as he rested. Illidan awoke to see Abby sitting next to him, and was so caught up in the moment; he grabbed her, pulled her down to him, and sensually kissed her, as he wanted to do to Tyrande so many times. She was overjoyed at this show of affection. She sat on top of him, as Illidan wrapped his wings around her, both getting the embrace they longed for.

She slowly let her hair down, and allowed Illidan to remove her scale chestpiece, which he did with much fervor, practically ripping it off of her body. He sat up in the bed while Abby still strattled him, and began kissing down her neck violently and massaging her soft breasts, occasionally causing her to let out a soft moan.

He suddenly stood up from the bed, still holding Abby around him, and threw her down on the bed below him. He stripped off his raggedy brown pants, becoming completely nude, and revealing his erect penis. He reached down to Abby, and slowly unbuckled and removed her pants, which were dripping wet from excitement. Every inch he dragged her leggings down her legs, he would kiss her thigh, until they were completely off.  Her perfectly toned female body was already glistening, as the light of the fireplace was reflecting off of the sweat on her skin.

Illidan started kissing up her legs, until he reached the peak, and begins to use his tongue to pleasure her. She grabbed his head, holding it in place, and reared her head back in pleasure while moaning loudly. Every movement he made seemed to send her to a new plain of existence. It only got more and more intense, until soon enough she was convulsing as she orgasmed to the feel of his tongue. She let go of his head, and he sat up in the bed, watching as she was heavily breathing, with a huge smile on her face.

“Are you prepared?” Illidan said lovingly.

Abby once again nodded. He grabbed her legs and folded them over his arms at the knee as he positioned himself in front of her, and slowly pushed his penis inside her. She squirmed and shrieked at first due to the size of it, but before long she felt like she was going to explode with bliss.  He slowly brought his head down and kissed her like he hadn’t before. Both of them were getting closer and closer to completion, sweating like pigs. Abby was shouting at the top of her lungs as Illidan was getting rougher with her, thrusting harder and faster, until finally both of them climaxed at the same time. Illidan crawled up and fell onto the bed next to Abby, wrapping her naked form in his wing, and holding her tight. They shared another kiss, and then she fell asleep in his arms.

The next morning Abby woke up, and Illidan was gone. She cleaned herself up, put her armor back on, and walked out of the small house to see Illidan on his knees with his head down. Standing overtop of him is Maiev Shadowsong. She tracked his scent all the way from Black Temple to this mountain peak. “I told you Illidan, I will always find you.” She said with a smirk.

“NO! I will never be a prisoner again!” Illidan shouted as he jumped up from the ground.

Just then, Akama snuck up behind Abby, and held a knife to her throat. “I really didn’t want to have to do this Illidan, but either you go quietly, or your girlfriend here gets her throat slit”

Illidan stood for a moment with his wings spread wide and stood tall, like he always had, while heavily breathing. Eventually he fell to his knees once more as Maiev wrapped him in chains and started to take him through a portal. Akama lowered the knife from Abby’s throat. Just as Illidan passed through the portal, Abby whispered “Goodbye” with a tear in her eye. And then he was gone.

Abby, now distraught, slowly walked down the mountain and reconvened with her resurrected guild in Shattrath. She never told any of them of what happened with Illidan. That was her little secret.

[sivelliar]

Krongar’s Spiritual Journey

“You there, stop!” A city guard shouts to me as him and his partner run over to me, looking angry. “State your business here.”

“My name is Krongar, but everyone calls me Krongar. “

“Get to the point already. Tell us why you’re here” The partner butts in, sounding angrier than the other.

“The short answer is that I’m on my road to enlightenment, but hear me out.”

The 2 guards whisper to each other for a second as their look of anger turns to frustration, “Okay, get to it. We don’t have all night.”

“Well…”

As I said before, my name is Krongar, but everyone calls me Krongar.  I am an officer of a band of misfits known as Show me your Noobs. We are a group of adventurers who had great success in pillaging all of the citadels and lairs that were put in our way, but have been enjoying some rest and relaxation away from the constant struggle of War and conflicts within our group. We’ve all decided to go on our own separate journeys for a while. Some have chosen to continue battling the ever changing enemy, while some have gone into hibernation. I personally have decided to use this time for self-discovery.

You see, I am one with nature; a druid. I invoke peace when it is possible, but I excel in battle when it is necessary.  Many years of endless conflict have made me cautious, and jaded. In order to find peace with myself, as well as everything around me, I began a spiritual journey around Azeroth, visiting the many shrines that lay in all corners of the map. I have spent much time meditating in silence, and connecting with my ancestors, as well as the gods.

“We get it, you love green, and trees, and the birds, and everything. That doesn’t explain why you are right here right now.” One of the guards says seeming unimpressed.

“I’m getting to it, hold your horses.”

One week ago, after an intense, dream-like meditation session, I came back to reality to find that my supplies had all been stolen. I lost everything I had in my possession. Everything else was back in my Garrison in Draenor. So I searched the forest around me to find where it had gone. I figured it could have easily been a wild animal to come and snatch my pack, or it could have been a thief wandering the woods preying on the defenseless and unobservant.

Two days passed in the woods with no supplies. Luckily nature supplies everything you need to survive. I got along eating berries and nuts I found on the bushes and ground. I also think I had Elune on my side, as I encountered no animal predators out in the wild. My staff was with my things, so all I had to defend myself was my shapeshifting, which I only wanted to use if I had to.

On the 5th night out in the wild I saw a bright white glow out in the distance. Thinking it could be what took my belongings, I followed it. But it began to move, faster than I could run. I had to transform into a cat just to be able to keep up with it. I followed the glow, which now appeared to be a celestial being, through the night and until the sunrise. As the sun was visible through the trees, the being stopped in place, turned to me, and began to speak in an ancient language. All I could think to do was to kneel down in front of it and begin to meditate.

As I closed my eyes and reached the balance needed to speak to the forest around me, the light of the celestial being filled me. It showed me visions of events from my past, and of things that were yet to happen. Minutes turned to hours as I stayed kneeling on the ground, but I felt safe and protected. When I recovered from it, the being was gone, and the moon was high in the sky. I knew that this was what my journey thus far was leading to.

“After another day of travel, I finally made it out of the forest and found you guys.”

“Great. Just one question though…WHY ARE YOU NAKED?!?”

“My clothes were in my pack of things I never recovered. I figured it was the god’s way of helping me be one with nature, so I just went with it. You guys should try it. It’s invigorating. Anyway, if you kind men could let me leave, I would like to go home now”

The two men backed away slowly before turning around and walked into their town chuckling to themselves, as I continued down the road humming a tune by the classic Orc musician, Bondis Jovin.

[husfreyja-elin]

More fantastic artwork

[amandadiane]

image via www.nineoverten.com

I’m sitting here at work on the computer, and I just realized at one point that my fingers naturally went to these keys.  I’m doomed.  haha.

I just started playing WoW about a week and a half ago with the husband and a few of our out of town friends.  They’ve already been playing for a few months, so I have a lot of catching up to do, but it’s really turning out to be quite fun.  I’m honestly only playing because we’re playing with people we know personally, who happen to be some of the very best friends that we are so lucky to have in our lives.  It’s an entertaining way to keep in touch with those who live so far away.  We’re already a bunch of nerds, so this is just one more nerdy thing to share and laugh about.  We are also pretty avid readers, and enjoy talking about great books, so I suggested we start a book club that has meetings on WoW, haha.  I think I’m definitely going to have to ration my game time so it doesn’t interfere with my reading time too much.

[sivelliar]

Don’t You Have A Job To Do?

Look, I know you are tired of me discussing all of these weird, random jobs around Azeroth with you. Trust me, we are almost done. There are more out there, of course, but some of them have threatened me with violence to allow them to remain anonymous. As a writer who fears anything happening to my limbs, I feel it is in my best interest to honor their wishes. So let’s move right along.

There are many productive people around Azeroth. I’m sure everyone wants to make something or do something to cause a lasting difference to this fragile world. You’d think that people who build the buildings all around us would make the most difference. They are designed and built to withstand the test of time. Unfortunately, the majority of them were not designed or built to withstand the test of War. You kind of have to feel for the construction workers. They work their little asses off, just to have their work demolished by fire, or cannon balls, or a Cataclysm. I bet no one even had Cataclysm insurance. Anyway, these poor suckers have to rebuild these buildings over…and over…and over again, never truly making any progress, as next week it could be rubble, and they would have to start from scratch.

I used to pity them a lot more than I do now, for a few reasons. First off, have you ever seen a Horde peon do anything but sleep, carry wood, or hammer on trees? The reason this shit is getting knocked down is because it’s shotty workmanship. It took about 3 years to rebuild what could be salvaged of our world after the Cataclysm. If we just got some real workers for a change, it would have taken half that. Not everything of value was rebuilt though. I don’t know what the Alliance workers have been busy with; probably making a new Alliance town every 30 feet. Do they not realize that an entire district of Stormwind has been gone since the cataclysm? It’s such an eyesore. The Park District was such a gorgeous place to go and just chill. People used to have parties in the buildings there  before all of the shenanigans with the Lich King. Man, that guy ruins everything. I think until some real work starts going into these buildings, I’m going to live in a cave. There’s less chance of a structural collapse.

The world was overjoyed when Pandaria was uncovered, as everyone suddenly at the same time discovered how to cage critters and claim them as their own. It was a joyous time in Azeroth. People of all ages were leaving home, and returned with hundreds of little companions to love and adore. Except not all of them were loved and adored. It didn’t take long for everyone to choose their favorites, and the rest were neglected. That’s when the companion pet shelters were founded. These wonderful people take in the companion pets that no one seems to care about anymore, or that were simply forgotten. They hoped that one day their owner would come looking for them or a new owner would come along to give it a home. The only problem is, the owners never come, so the shelters are overcrowded, mainly with cockroaches, rats, and crabs. In addition to taking in abandoned pets, these shelter operators also heal battle injuries, because apparently that’s a thing now too. People are monsters, making smaller beings fight for their entertainment while they sit back and reap the reward.  The citizens of Azeroth have never had to fight for the sake of higher beings.  If you are a lowly newcomer to the world of pets, feel free to visit these shelters. They will practically shovel a mountain of unwanted creatures into your arms, then cheer as you turn around to walk out the door.

I bet at some point you have achieved something magnificent, and wanted  to do something to commemorate it. You could have a bard follow you around and sing to strangers about it, of course. But bards die, and sometimes their music dies with them. What you need is a statue, right smack dab in the middle of your manor. Sculptors are common. There are always people proud of accomplishments, or just someone who has a weird ass fetish and wants to show everyone. Take for example the most recent bold display, thanks to our friend, and official Azeroth douchebag, Khadgar.  

Look, I respect Khadgar to an extent, but hear me out. Back when we were all fresh to the desolate world of The Outlands, we were trying to make our mark on the effort to improve it. So we went to Shattrath. Excited, we go to A’dal to tell him we are ready to help the cause, and who steps up to talk for him? Khadgar. Who continues to tell us “The big kids are talking, go play outside with my elemental and leave us alone”. This guy continues to be rude towards us until we defeat Kil’jaeden and save the planet…without him. Suddenly we are ok in his book. Fast forward years later; The threat of the Iron Horde has arisen, so Khadgar, who finally got a haircut and learned how to stand like a man for once, steps up to the plate wanting to be the hero again. We adventure through Draenor doing most of the work to stop the tide of the Iron Horde. Meanwhile, he gives us a cool ring, having to kill us in the process, and acts like he’s making a huge difference in the war that we are fighting. Finally, we’ve made it. We’ve hunted down Gul’dan, trapped him in Tanaan Jungle, and we invade his fortress, destroying all of the demons he throws at us, as well as Archimonde. The fight is finally over, we won. In order to remember our triumph this day, Khadgar commissions a statue of HIMSELF fighting Gul’dan in all of our Garrisons. I get it. Khadgar is supposed to represent our leader during this conflict, but man, I would have loved to see a statue of myself fighting Gul’dan. I might just have one made, and place it right outside Khadgar’s tower. That’ll learn him.

From psychiatrists, to candlestick makers, to carnies, the world of Azeroth is full of many job opportunities. Go out and find what you’re good at, and just run with it. If you find a job you love, you will never have to work a day in your life. If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking permission.  Insert inspiration quote here. My job? I actually don’t have one. I’m technically the town drunk in Orgrimmar. I used to be an adventurer, but then I became a barber. I got fired for shaving the heads of all of my rude customers. As I said before, be nice to your barbers, they can fuck up your whole day. Now excuse me while I celebrate not losing any of my limbs.

[sivelliar]

How To Distract From Your Problems On Azeroth

With everything that happens around Azeroth, people could sometimes use a little bit of an escape. The constant bloodshed, turmoil, and wondering just where the hell Turalyon and Alleria are, can get overwhelming some times. So why not sit back and relax while enjoying some of the fun distractions around the world, thanks to people who get paid to do it. They are everywhere; you just have to know where to look.

When you get home from a long day of training, all you want to do is kick off your boots, block out the sound of your wife, and fall asleep under the tap of a keg of your favorite brew. But why would you do that when you could go to the local amphitheater and pass out drunk while watching guys in makeup make fools of themselves on a stage? Actors can be very prominent figures around Stormwind and Orgrimmar. There’s more than one way to get famous ya know. These guys get on that stage day after day and embarrass themselves to make you feel better about yourself. Take the show that just closed in Orgrimmar; Brewfest: Overflowing Kegs. It’s the story of the humble beginnings of the Brewfest celebration. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen an underweight Troll stuffed with straw pillows to look like an overweight Pandaren, but it works. There’s also second rate scenery and backgrounds, tons of props, and of course Gnome Punting. What show wouldn’t have Gnome Punting? You get a very good idea of the origins of Brewfest from people who weren’t actually there. It really is the peak of Azerothian entertainment, but it causes a bit of a conundrum. As I said before, it’s a great way to go and forget about your troubles. But after each show, the actors have to go home and try to forget about their troubles, so they just  to another show to, then those actors have to go home from that and forget about their troubles. It’s a never ending cycle of avoiding stress. Eventually though, I think someone kicks a Gnome and feels great about themselves.

Everyone has heard of The Elite Tauren Chieftains. They seem to be everywhere you go in Azeroth, even in the depths of certain dungeons. Who can forget the only two songs they have played for the past ten years. I was about ready to give up on music altogether thanks to ETC, until I realized they weren’t the only band around. They just happen to overshadow the rest of them. There are better bands out there, and in more genres than just rock. Take for example a band that I personally like, called “Murlocs Ate My Neighbors.” They use old fashioned instruments to play new fashioned tunes, and man do they know how to entertain a birthday party. They had the attention of over half of the people there, which is good for those kinds of shindigs. I’ll never forget the song that turned me onto them; simply called “Mrglglglglg”, and man did it bring tears to my eyes. Another band that should be on your watch list is a Jazzy sounding group known as “Sylvanas Will Never Notice Me”. It’s a band of Undead merchants who put down their trade tools, and picked up instruments. I first heard them at Hammerfall Tavern in Arathi Highlands. I snapped my fingers so hard for them when they were done performing. One of them tried to snap his fingers back, but his thumb broke off. If you are so closed minded to believe The Elite Tauren Chieftains are the greatest thing out there, you deserve to be thrown off a cliff by our Warchief (Long Live Vol’jin).

There is more to musical performance than bands though. Bards provide much better music most of the time than any band out there, and most of it is based on true events.  If you don’t know much about bards, essentially they are paid to follow people around, and arrange music based on what they encounter. Then they return to towns and cities and sing about the triumphs of the person, or the downfalls of their enemy. Being a Bard can be tricky though. Sure it’s fun to be able to come back and talk about the hero fighting a fierce dragon, but to do so, both of you have to actually fight the dragon…and survive. A lot of the time they are paid to walk off into the great unknown to their deaths. But that’s not important. If you want to truly express yourself musically, grab a lute, or a bagpipe, or a panflute (It really doesn’t matter. It’s not the instrument that counts) and add some pep to your step as you follow your boss to what could be your doom. Just don’t be alarmed if the man (or woman) gets pissed that you won’t stop singing about the smelly shit they took 30 minutes ago, or the squirrel you passed that had its mouth stuffed with nuts.

Enough about the performing arts for now. Yes it’s awesome, it’s fun, it’s great, but there is more to entertainment than people jumping around on a stage or belting out music to their heart’s content. The drawn arts are equally as important. If you move into a new house, or start a new business, you don’t want the place to look like shit. After you furnish it and get the blood stains from the previous tenant out of the floorboards, you want to make the place look all fancy. So you go to art shows, or hire an artist to paint something that suits you. Art is everywhere you look; taverns, stores, cathedrals, lairs. You name it, you can probably find some sort of art there. I know in my house right about the mantle I have a painting I got professionally done of my kids looting my dead, cheating wife’s grave. Man have we had some good times in that room.

Not all artwork is professionally done though. Graffiti art is very common, especially in the more…undeveloped areas of certain cities. If anyone tried to tag Grommosh hold, they would probably get their tongues ripped out and fed to wolves, but the Goblin Slums are sometimes ripe with street art. The most common street artist, Owlsy, has never been identified by anyone, but has some of the most elaborate murals I’ve ever seen. The city guards have been trying to pin him down for years, but he always find a way to elude them. It’s almost like he can just change forms and walk away. His calling card is a crudely drawn picture of Archmage Khadgar with a ball sack on his face. This guy is personally one of my heroes, even though probably no one will ever know who he is.

With all of that said, go outside and enjoy yourself every once in a while! There are so many things you can do to escape your home life. And remember, if your marriage gets bad enough, bards pretty much have to remember everything. Just bring him home with you one night. I’m sure he will write a song about it or something. Prove to everyone that you aren’t full of shit.

[tobiasgeminasu]

When you step outta banish on Archie and everything has gone to hell.

[azerothian-shitstain]

things i have told myself before dying in wow:

i can handle this many mobs i’m not gonna die from fall damage i bet i can get a little closer to this raidboss before i pull it i’m sure i can solo this world boss

[sivelliar]

Boy, Do I Have A Job For You

As previously discussed, Azeroth is a wonderful place, in that there is something to do for just about everyone. It might take a while, but eventually you will find your niche. You might be destined to join the war effort, or you may love to style hair. Whatever your passion is, there is something for you. Some of your paths will most likely take you into some weird directions, but that’s just how this world works.

Azeroth is a naturally dark place. I don’t mean evil (well, I mean, there is plenty of that), I simply mean there are a lot of gloomy places. In this day in age there are primarily two ways to brighten up the night; you can get those pesky goblins to build you a generator with electric light (which is highly inefficient. Everyone knows goblin technology is prone to failing), or you use candles. Whoever invented the candle was a genius. They took the destructiveness of fire, and confined it to a wax stick. The people who make these candles really are doing the work of our many gods. It seems complicated. First off, think about how many candles there are around. All of them had to be made by someone. Unless magic was involved (which very well could be the case) it would take a very long time. I imagine in Stormwind there is an underground sweatshop for making candles. The workers aren’t getting paid enough, child labor laws are getting broken, but by golly they are pumping out candles at an alarming rate. They probably get hundreds of orders at a time, some of them very shady. Sending a crate of candles to “Devout Follower of C’thun” is never a good sign. But hey, even cultists need light for their altars and shrines. Money is money.

Speaking of dreary, underpaid jobs, let’s talk about Darkmoon Faire carnies. These guys used to have it so well. Back when the Faire took place near major cities, it was much simpler times. It was a small group of individuals traveling around like a band of gypsies providing entertainment, food, and a lot of love to the happy faire goers every month. They didn’t care much about pay. They just wanted to see the world. Then the corporations took over. They bought an Island off the coast of Eastern Kingdoms, and decided to hold the Faire there every month. This happy, travelling band of misfits was now confined to one place, which is exactly what they were trying to avoid. Part of what made life for the carnies so wonderful was the ability to see new people every day on their journeys. Now, the island is only available for the one week the Faire is open every month, so they are stuck with themselves, realizing each other’s biggest flaws and insecurities for three weeks out of the month. In addition to that, they had to hire on dozens more faire workers to maintain the many rides, attractions, and booths that were new to the Faire. It was no longer like a small family, but rather a large business.

These guys still manage to put on a smile every month when in the public eye though. The Strongest Woman Alive is still flaunting her stuff, as always, you can buy even more awesome prizes from the happy ticket redeemers, and The Elite Tauren Chieftains still perform to a roaring crowd. The Faire is more popular than ever. But no one sees what the carnies have to go through when the Faire is over. That is when the massive cleanup begins. Turns out, Faire goers are complete assholes. They just throw shit on the ground wherever they see fit, though it may be because there are no trashcans in sight (Thanks Vol’jin). Besides the litter problem, there is also the issue of the piles of corpses and pools of blood surround Moon Moon and the Darkmoon Rabbit that have to be cleaned before the next month rolls around. Also, its great and all that they have animal pens, but they still have to be cleaned out. I don’t know if you’ve ever had to clean Kodo shit, but when you are done, you continue to find it…everywhere. Long story short, the carnies have their jobs cut out for them. Maintaining an island every day of the month just in preparation for 7 short days can be a grueling task.

This last unseen job I want to talk about is actually a very common one, but they hide in the shadows. They are the people every tenant gets, but deserves better. When you need them, they tell you they will be there next week, and keep rescheduling until your ceiling roof completely rots off, and tells you it’s your own problem. Of course I’m talking about landlords. These guys are the true bastards of every city. Adventurers have it rough. They go out and get shit done when no one else has the balls to do it. Who knows how many times the same guy has saved Azeroth. Yet, he comes home to Org, and still needs a place to lay his head. That’s where landlords come in. These misanthropists only care about money. You saved Azeroth and no longer have a steady income, or your wife left you and took all of your money to go live with Stefan who is the “man she deserves”? They better have a sack of coins on their desk by the first of the month. And don’t even talk about something going wrong in your house. They are too busy sleeping on money to care about your third world problems. Just wait until the greedy bastard realizes you have bags full of shiny weapons from your triumphs. Show him what that creepy tentacle staff is really capable of.

Whether you are running a carousel, or being a dick to society, you have to make a living somehow. Everyone has their niche. No matter how long it takes, you will find it. But seriously, tip your barbers. You really don’t want to be on their bad side.

[sivelliar]

Every Day Heroes

It’s no secret that in the constant war being fought between the Alliance and the Horde, the leaders of both factions expect their citizens to play their part in some shape or fashion. Many men and women of age join the War by fight on the front, or being a guard protecting city citizens. Other people’s talents lie in other places, so they teach young adventurers about the professions within this world, man the auction houses and banks, run inns, raise children, cut hair. You name it, it exists on Azeroth. But even though it exists doesn’t mean it’s widely known. What about the people doing jobs you never hear about?

Let’s face it, the world of Azeroth is a violent place. If it’s not the other faction that kills you, its giant bugs, rabid animals, terrorist groups, and even DINOSAURS! People go through some shit, so of course every once in a while they are going to need someone to talk to about it. Psychiatrists are probably a very common thing in Stormwind or Orgrimmar. You just have to imagine a young soldier coming back from the warfront, sitting in the musky office of a balding dwarf with a piece of parchment and a quill in front of him. They get paid gold by the hour to listen to their patients go on and on about how their best friends got ripped apart by a band of murlocs, or the guy’s wife left him for a “real warrior” After hearing about all of this, he’s got to feel cold on the inside. I bet he keeps a shotgun next to his chair. I just imagine a circumstance where the horde is attacking Stormwind, and he sees an orc run by his window. So he says “be right back” goes outside, shoots the orc square in the chest, then walks back into the office with blood splattered on his clothes as he asks his patient to continue the story about how his neighbor is a Twilight cultist.

This (kind of) leads to my next unseen job around Azeroth, sanitation workers. These guys are the unsung heroes of this age. Sure they probably became janitors because they are not capable of doing much else, but god damn are they important. Without them the streets would constantly be stained with blood, houses would all be covered in mount shit (by the way thanks Deathwing for somehow allowing adventurers to fly, ya douche), and there would probably be bodies...everywhere. I wonder what happens with all of the mess after they clean it. On Earth, we mop the floors, then pour the filthy water down the drain. If someone dies, we bury their bodies “respectably”. I bet there is just a forever burning bonfire in Azshara right outside of Orgrimmar where they burn the bodies of all of the invaders. As far as the blood, idk the horde are known to sometimes be savages. Maybe they prefer to literally drink the blood of their enemies, or use it as a base for war paint. All in all, the janitors keep it out of the streets, and does something with it to make the rest of us feel better about ourselves as we run in circles through the streets in our down time.

The last job I want to mention isn’t exactly an unknown job, but rather a much unappreciated one. We take for granted the ability to take flight paths to a point close to all of our destinations. Even if you have a flying mount now, and can go everywhere yourself, you at one point had to talk to a flight master to get somewhere faster. Just think about it. They have to spend their entire days doing nothing but stand next to smelly, shitty animals in order to make your life easier. Flights are cheap, so they probably don’t make much income. Try showing your gratitude every once in a while. Throw in an extra gold or two to help them support their families at home, or to at least get better “women of the night” if they don’t have a family. If we don’t pass more kindness their way, eventually they will realize how important and underappreciated they really are, and they won’t be there when you need them. I also like to believe that Gryphons and Wyverns are killing machines, and the flight masters are there to hold them at bay so they don’t murder everyone in the town, giving more work to the janitors and the psychiatrists.

So when you think about all of the different people who are making a difference around Azeroth, think about the unseen ones too. The military makes a difference in the war effort, but people are there to make a difference to the military. Also, don’t forget about the barbers. Never forget about the barbers. Those guys can screw up your whole day.

[thevelvetgoldmine]

[dagna]

to find some place, very far away, where you could spend the rest of your life in peace.

[beautythroughalookingglass]