alright there is only one(1) complete actual fic ive written and this is it
fic for @grishaversebigbang's mini bang
word count: 2k
with the lovely artwork from @jellythefishhh here
and @fayrism here
fic summary: zo
also, ive written this new crack fic which allows my trash self to write nik/nik without feeling guilty and this is it.
warning: mild sexual content, crack crack crack. THIS IS PURE CRACK!!!
Nikolai drew Zoya into his arms slowly, smiling as he kissed her. "Y
however, i would absolutely LOVE asks from y'all- though i cant be sure as to when ill reply- but i WILL. love y'all!
(also there are little sneak peeks to my fic for the gvbb all over my acc, so go check that out!)
âI would have come for you. And if I couldn't walk, I'd crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we'd fight our way out together-knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that's what we do. We never stop fighting.â
What do you want, then? The old answers came easily to mind. Money. Vengeance. Jordie's voice in my head silenced forever. But a different reply roared to life inside him, loud, insistent, and unwelcome. You, Inej. You.
âI can hear the change in Kaz's breathing when he looks at you."
"You... you can?"
"It catches every time, like he's never seen you beforeâ
She'd laughed and if he could have bottled the sound and got drunk on it every night, he would have. It terrified him.
He needed to tell her... what? That she was lovely and brave and better than anything he deserved. That he was twisted, crooked, wrong, but not so broken that he couldn't pull himself together into some semblance of a man for her.
It was as if once Kaz had seen her, heâd understood how to keep seeing her.
One minute he made her blush and the next he made her want to commit murder.
âWhy the net, Kaz?" Yes, why the net? Why something that could complicate the assault he'd planned on the silos and leave them twice as open to exposure? I couldn't bear to watch you fall.
He took a breath. âI want you to stay. I want you to ⊠I want you.â
She felt his knuckles slide against hers. Then his hand was in her hand, his palm was pressed against her own. A tremor moved through him. Slowly, he let their fingers entwine. For a long while, they stood there, hands clasped, looking out at the gray expanse of the sea.
âIâm not ready to give up on this city, Kaz. I think itâs worth saving.â I think youâre worth saving.
It's really twisted isn't it? The idea that Kaz spent so much of his life gathering a gang, making it powerful, getting it huge resources, and making his presence known throughout the whole city of Ketterdam, and possibly even beyond that point, and all for a vengeance that... didn't even matter. Jordie died, but because of the plague, a fate he couldn't avoid regardless of whether he and his brother got conned or not. Pekka didn't do anything to them outside of the con. But Kaz didn't know better, and he was a child, so he zeros all his rage on Pekka. He breaks through every barrier and obstacle their could possibly be in his path, and he reaches that point when he has Pekka on his knees. But in the end, the trade he made with Pekka didn't concern money or power. All Kaz wanted... was for him to remember his brother's name. Kaz, a seventeen-year-old boy who is almost grown up, demanded to Pekka that he wanted his dead brother back. All he wants is his brother. All that matters is his brother. And Kaz just wants him back. All this time, it was nothing but a childish and overly emotional longing that Kaz drowned himself in over and over again. The one thing he held onto like a nine-year-old kid to his toy wind-up dog.
But Pekka couldn't remember. He begged on his knees, but he couldn't remember. He couldn't give Kaz the one thing he wanted.
And Kaz lets him go.
So technically, he doesn't win. Jordie's name was long forgotten, and he was still dead.
Morning Doodle: âBut Nikolai had done what so many men had failed to do: Heâd surprised her. He had shored up Ravkaâs borders, negotiated new loans with Kerch, reestablished their military outposts, and used the fleet heâd built in his secret life as the privateer Sturmhond to keep the Fjerdans stymied at sea.â (Leigh Bardugoâs King of Scars CH 11)
Hello, I hope you and your family are well. Can you please help me recycle the post on my account? đș And help rescue my family from the war in Gaza? đ Thank you.
When Iâm halfway through the second book of the duology, Nikolai just found Zoyaâs memorial garden, he held her, she cried on his shoulder, he almost confessed his love for her for the hundredth time in the last book and a half and then they just parted ways. And now I have to wait through a Mayu pov chapter a Nina pov chapter and a darkling pov chapter.
Every time I see âlet my girl be happyâ tag and the post is about canon Nessian, it infuriates me as much as breaks my heart. Sometimes I wonder those who romanticise Cassianâs behaviour are speaking from a place of privilege or ignorance because admitting that calls for addressing real life abuse that misogyny forces them to endure.
Iâm an Indian living in a highly patriarchal, misogynistic society where women are still required to marry someone out of convenience for the sake of their families. This is not the cute arranged marriages you read in books or watch in movies. Most women have to sacrifice everything they are and they stand for to ease the familyâs burden. Letâs not start with dowry or DV. Sure our society has progressed in many ways, this is still reality of most women when it comes to marriages and having a family. No matter how well off you are, no matter how successful you are in your career. Itâs more nuanced than you can imagine where the parents meddle with childrenâs life at every step and our lives are more intertwined with our families than in western society. So I simply canât read Nestaâs story and delude myself that she got a happy ending with Cassian or the IC. I try to keep my emotions out of most of the criticisms to help people see the situation objectively. Thatâs hard to do in this case but Iâll try.
Nesta is the eldest child who âfailsâ her sisters when it is her fatherâs responsibility to take care of three young girls. Being groomed to be a housewife all her life, Nesta contributes as much as she can by doing the chores and nurturing her family the only way she knows how. She seeks help from relatives and friends while the ones in position to do so ignore her. And when the time comes, she finds the way to be of useful to her family by marrying Tomas. Despite all this, Nesta is a failure of a sister simply because Feyre made a choice. These only come to light in Nestaâs book and even the few instances where Feyre realises this, thereâs no real appreciation for her efforts. They are dismissed and only mentioned to highlight Feyreâs empathic tendencies and her general awareness of her sistersâ plights rather than uplifting Nestaâs character itself. None of these are acknowledged as these arenât the typical masculine ways thatâs glorified throughout the series.
As Nesta navigates her life as a recently transformed fae, she partakes in a war she has no part in. She has no obligation or need to risk her life for Night Court, or any other court, or even the mortals. These are the same acts that make Feyre a hero in the first book. But when it comes to Nesta and she rises up to the occasion, itâs downplayed as she deals with PTSD from her death, the Cauldron, the toll of war, and her fatherâs death. None of her sacrifices or her attempts to protect her sisters are given an ounce of importance or due respect that it deserves. Itâs turned into Nestaâs duty as the eldest sister or the sister of Night Courtâs High Lady instead.
When Nesta deals with her trauma, everyone takes great pleasure in controlling how the situation pans out. She goes as far as to live alone to spare her sisters, yet Feyre and Elain who have the choice of when and how to regulate their emotions, donât grasp the concept of personal space. Her actions are self-sabotaging at best and have no real consequence on any of the other characters. Still, they are amplified to an extent that itâs made into a court affair. And the reason for this is Nesta isnât coping in the right way. Gambling, drinking and sex which are common activities for the IC become a question of their reputation the moment she does it in her pain, emphasising that these are only acceptable when she does it with them. Spending Feyreâs money on gambling may seem like a reasonable cause for the IC to interfere but if we factor in how Nestaâs rightful wealth from Tamlin or her father was lost because of the direct consequence of ICâs actions, along with the fact that sheâs still owed money for her contribution in the war, Nesta is deliberately stripped off any monetary agency to trap her.
If this isnât punishment enough, Nesta is locked in an inescapable tower with a man she wants no part with. And when she fights, she is lied to about laws and threatened to be thrown among people who consider her a threat. She has no interest in training to fight or work for the Night Court but sheâs forced to. Sheâs not compensated for any of this labour either. Nesta is known to starve herself after the war to the point that sheâs all âskin and bonesâ. Cassian, an established gym bro in the series, weaponises food against her when she doesnât eat what is offered and when. The moment she shows any interest in eating, he judges her for being picky and brings up her latent guilt that leads her down that path in the first place. And later on, knowing sheâs not fit enough IC insists on training her right away and in freezing conditions without proper clothing. Nesta soon learns that she has no choice but to comply, goes on to train with Cassian, work in the library, and accept the food the house gives her. This is the first step in breaking her.
Nesta has no one to rely on or even talk to in the house except for Cassian. The relationship that develops between them is not circumstantial but a well orchestrated one. Even for small talk, her only choice is Cassian. After finding out Nesta was SAâd by the kelpie and was on the verge of death, no one (including her sisters) cares for her as much as they should. The one person who checks on her is Cassian and even heâs so overcome with his desire and lust that he has sex with her instead of comforting her. Itâs a common knowledge that sex is a coping mechanism for her, and has been SAâd twice which something only Cassian knows. This perpetuates the idea that even when a woman is hurting and in pain, she has to be appealing, her trauma should be sexually gratifying and desirable for the man. A woman can walk back from the doors of death but she has to look pretty while doing it. Thereâs nothing empowering about that.
Feyre looks down on Nesta for contemplating selling her body to take care of her sisters. But the same is expected from her when she serves Night Court and seduces Eris. Itâs almost glorified and revered by Cassian himself. During their conversation in River House, he lets Nesta believe that she has to earn his love and her sistersâ. Not once does he contradict any of her fears or insecurities. For the first time, Nesta has sex with him without it being an escape and the next morning Cassian abandons her enforcing the idea that she indeed earned the sex and love for what she did in CoN.
When Nesta reveals the truth about Feyreâs pregnancy, her true feelings are swept under the rug with how she âfailedâ her sister again. Nesta has the right to out Rhysand and his plans. And even if the situation isnât the most appropriate, Nesta is locked in a tower and only ever talks to anyone when IC choose which limits her options. Besides, when will the timing be perfect for such conversation? Nesta is again vilified for being the only one honest to her sister and punished. Her intentions are warped to cover up othersâ mistakes. Cassian is again the one who punishes her for it. Nesta is suicidal and Cassian recognises the signs. He insists on taking the hike, also using silent treatment to enforce the idea that Nesta is the one on the wrong. His interactions with Feyre proves none of them dwell on Nestaâs actions as much as she believes. While Nesta is having a guilt trip edging her closer to suicide, Cassian is laughing behind her back with Feyre, almost enjoying her fears. At the end of this trip, Nesta talks about her trauma for the first time, Cassian swoops in with his own sorrows and how he overcame them. Instead of making Nesta feel seen and heard, sheâs again lectured on what she should do and how.
Lastly, Cassian and Morrigan have a mildly, if not completely, inappropriate relationship which Nesta is expected to accept. If she expresses jealousy or anger, itâs not because of the bond or their relationship but will be seen as an inherent quality of Nesta. She canât fight it as everyone else has accepted it as a normal relationship. If Nesta shows any displeasure, her past of sleeping with other men will be brought into the conversation and she will be scrutinised. This is very similar to the âmen will be menâ narrative where the man can flirt with whoever he wants and itâs harmless but the woman has to behave.
Throughout the series, everyone is against Nesta. Her family is her responsibility. She has duty to protect them and serve them no matter the circumstances, no matter how it costs her or how much pain she is in. Her own sisters will side with her in-laws saying itâs how things are and she âdoesnât have to be so miserableâ. Her life is forever bound to a man she initially wanted nothing to do with and her everyday life is dependent on him. She is trapped with him until she learns to accept her fate. He doesnât lay a hand on her but he psychologically and emotionally abuses her until she complies with his family and behaves to fit their image. He even gives her silent treatment, withdraws sex/intimacy from her, leaves her alone in the tower, cuts her off from everyone she loves and cares about if she misbehaves. She has no financial independence leaving her at the mercy of her sister and her family. Even when sheâs hurting, she has no choice but to risk her life for them or go to wars when they demand. She goes as far as to change her body for her future child. Her life is threatened by her in-laws but no one bats an eye at that forever leaving her fearing for her safety.
If you believe itâs just fiction and all this is exaggeration of something in a fantasy book, you really need to look around you. This is a real nightmare for most women all over the world. Your girl Nesta isnât happy. She settled. She has accepted a life where sheâs treated less than a dog and is used as a weapon. Sheâs been beaten down until she learnt not to step out of line if she wants to live. She is still with Cassian because she doesnât see a life other than that as an option and has come to accept whatever scraps her sister and her family have decided to throw her way. And I sincerely hope if you ever come across a real life Rhysand or Cassian, you have the wits to protect yourself and run the other way.
