DAN

https://x.com/DeadWitLaugh https://www.youtube.com/@danfunnyman95

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Wet Dream Nightmare

My girlfriend says she has these nightmares about me where I leave her for one of her friends or some random woman. I said “Sounds like a pretty good dream to me! Whats the problem?” She told me “Stop doing bad things in my dreams!” I said “Well.. I’m not sure if you understand how the subconscious works but, I don’t think I can do that.” “Buuut.. why don’t you do like Inception and learn to lucid dream so you can make me do whatever you want?” I could tell she was pondering this concept. Now she sleeps till 3pm everyday with a smile on her face. At this point, I don’t even think I’m in the dream at all. I’m a writer, so she’s our main source of income!

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An Epistle to My Tinder Paramour

When I first got on Tinder, I didn’t have a drivers license yet. So when I’d match with a girl more than 50k out it, was like writing a letter in the middle ages. Felt like I should be writing with a pen that had a feather on it on the back of a pirate map or some shit! Soundin’ like 

“My dearest beloved, why, it is very pleasant this time of year on Autumns eve. I lay my heart, its every beat captured in ink. The quill trembles in my hand, for it seeks to convey that which words can scarcely encompass—the boundless depths of my affection for thee. 

Until fate unites us, I remain ever thine, devoted and true. May this letter serve as a token of my undying affection. Yours, now, and always.  From your dearest 

-  Sebastian Alaric de Montivelle Blackthorn

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Gym Bro Ego Buster

Don’t you love when you feel like you’re killin’ it in the gym, getting good results, hitting your goals, and one of you’re gym bros tells you a story about how they got into some conflict with some dude. Of coarse, my first question is always “Was he big?” (not in the take it in my ass sense but physically) aanddd without hesitation, his response: “Naahhh! He’s like your size …. Well, big or not, I know I can still kick gym bro’s ass. So, big he was then!

[sketchydan]

Auto Correct Syndrome

These day I find myself slacking on typing. And what I mean by that is I have this weird unwavering faith where even if I mistype a word, I believe that auto correct’s got my back and will know what the fuck I'm talking about. Like auto correct will always come correct. Although, at the back of my mind I fear accidentally sending some weird shit when texting my parents because auto correct thought I was trying to be dirty for some reason?

What I meant to type: merry Christmas drink some egg nog

What auto correct thought I was trying to type: Mary and Chris’s ass need my big knob

[sketchydan]

Self conscious person gets roasted by immigrant and wants to cancel the feelings they make "them" feel.

Old people are the best!.. Except the miserable ones, they suck. But, they're cool because they honestly just don't give a fuck. They are not "down" for your "woke" shit "bro". If you feel insulted when they were genuenly complementing you, they'll insult you to show you what an insult sounds like. So much so that you'll be rethinking your entire life. And why would they give a fuck? They're outta heree, pronto. "Let the next gen handle it" and God help us! Though, maybe we could do without racists, yeah? I mean how many old farts are on their death beds still complaining about Jews or Blacks? We all got that one uncle, am I right!

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Finishing movies takes patience, especially if the movie is long, or shit, or both. But that comes with the territory of being a "movie buff".

There are two types of people in this world:

People who can start a movie and not finish it

and B. People who believe that aliens don't exist

The latter is a topic for another day, but I need to finish movies man. Just for the plain fact that I can now claim I actually saw it. Who the hell wants to be that person who gets asked: "Hey did you ever see that movie?"

"Well.. I started it but never finished it. WAAAA!!!"

You baby.. ya sound like a LITTLE BABY!

Finish the movie!

..Unless you have better shit to do, then by all means.

[sketchydan]

Omegle

Remember when jerking off on Omegle was a thing? I could never get hard because I was skipping straight dick after dick! By the time I found a girl, I was Charmin soft. And unless she's a trooper, she ain't gonna help me get that thang up! Came to a point where I had to hold myself on the edge of glory and paint the ceiling to the first girl I saw! Ahh those were the days! I think the reactions are what stick with me the most.. Probably a good idea they took that down though.

[sketchydan]

Quick-Shower Sean.

Maybe this is a guy thing, but you know friends who smell like they never shower? Buddy of mine would come over after sports league games without showering prior and (typically) not even using my shower. I mean it's not my first choice to lend my shower out but neither is that shit stench you reak of. One time I got him to actually take one! Couldn't believe it! Here I am thinking I'll actually have some time to kill and possibly break out the febreeze in the mean time. Guy was in & out in less than 5 minutes. I said "what did you do, get in, wash your hands, and hopped back out?" Takes me longer to clean my ass alone! Well, atleast the shit stench is gone!

[sketchydan]

Ordering Food During a Natural Disaster 

I have a love/hate relationship with Uber Eats. I love the idea of Uber Eats, the convenience of it, Hell I even wish I would’ve thought of it myself. I always thought it was strange how only pizza was deliverable because there were plenty of times where I didn’t want or couldn’t go to McDonalds and wished it could be delivered

But I dislike Uber Eats because of how much money and resources I spend on a month to month or even a week to week basis. It's crazy! But shit, I still use it, food makes me happy.

I’ll also often find myself with ridiculous cravings like a pregnant woman in the middle of the night, and my cravings can only be satisfied via Uber Eats. What a time to be alive! Maybe this is becoming more common and even more logical but recently there was a snowstorm in my town, and instead of going to out to get it myself, (because why would I got out in a snowstorm to get food when I order it every other time) OR cooking like a cool, healthy person whose got their shit together, of course what do I do? It only makes sense. UBER EATS

But what I often don’t take into consideration are the poor delivery drivers that are risking their lives to bring you your mocha latte during a 4.5 magnitude earthquake, just because you "had a craving"

But that sorrow can only last so long before another craving hits, besides, nothing some juicy chicken nuggets can't fix.. Daddy's hungry.