Stuck in Transition

I wanted a place to share my experience of growing up female, what led me to transition, and how my detransition is going

[skullsandteatime]

Before I really start diving in my past there's something that I want explain.

I started my transition because I believed I was trans. I really truly did and so did almost everyone I've talked to who has detransition or is questioning. This isn't some sort of game or costume that I thought I could wear. I had gender dysphoria. I saw myself in the future as a man. When I took my first shot T it was one of best feelings that I ever had. For while I was happy.

So what changed?

I don't really know where to start. Well, I don't know when it started but it was like my gender dysphoria got flipped on it's head. I was no longer dysphoric with my female features and all the effects of T made me dysphoric. I tried to ignore it and tried to truck on but as the weeks went on the more dread I felt. Dread of the thought of going back on T (I had to stop for personal reasons but it was nothing that was permanent to stop me going back on it.) Seeing how manly my face became no longer comfort me. I started to wish I could go back in time and stop myself. I got really depressed because I thought there was no way to go back.

It's scary to think that something I was so sure I needed to do wasn't right for me. That I might be wrong. It's also scary because if that's what I'm thinking then what if I'm wrong about detransitioning? I don't want to take another huge step because I don't want to put my love ones through this if it's not my right move. I'm going to talk to a therapist soon. Dive deep and talk unlike what I did when I started my transition.

Why post it here?

Honestly, because I needed to get it out of me. I know that I'm seeing a therapist but writing it out first is helping me organize my thoughts and gaining the courage to tell this to a complete stranger. On the other hand if someone who is questioning, has detransition, or was feeling like they were alone sees this maybe it can help a little.

[omnivore-odyssey]

Thank you for sharing your story. Can I ask how old you were when you started to taking testosterone and if you were on puberty blockers from the beginning of puberty? I’m curious because of the experiences of other people I know who have detransitioned those who choose to continue their transition. Many of the people I know who never went through a natural puberty have maintained their transition and I’m wondering never having experienced oneself as their post puberty biological self effects ones ability to detransition or envision oneself reidentifying and/or without synthetic hormones.

[skullsandteatime]

You are very welcome.

I was 22 when I started T. I lived two years as a man while pre t and I was never on blockers. I've never thought about it like that before but that is something that I'm now curious about myself.

[skullsandteatime]

The guilt is eating me alive

When I first started this blog I honestly thought that I hadn't made up my mind what was going to happen. Would I continue to transition or go through with detransition? That wasn't the truth though and deep down I knew it. I knew what I wanted but I kept telling myself that maybe I'm still trans. Maybe transition is still right for me because at some point my transition stopped being for me and started being more for the ones around me.

Transition worked while it worked and when it stopped I did all I could to deny that truth. When I finally talked to my therapist I told her I made a mistake and didn't want to transition anymore. She was the first non detrans person I'd admited the truth to. She has been great at making me feel like I wasn't crazy for thinking transition was right for me and that a lot of women have gender dysphoria that goes away. She was horrified when she heard the story of the therapist who basically told me to decide if I was just a lesbian (I wouldn't realize I was actually bi until my 20s) or a transguy so she knew what she was working with. That the past was the past and the future hasn't happened yet. To stay in the here and now, but that doesn't help with guilt I feel. It's eating me alive.

I've put my family through so much and now I'll put my loved ones though more. I had so many doubts but once I was told that transition would make my gender dysphoria go away I stuck with it. I fought with my mother, father, and put my brother through it all. Now my mother who I never thought would come around proudly calls me her son. My brother has to deal with shit from our father and I don't want to add more to his plate. I married a gay man! A man who is the absolute love of my life. How can I look them in the eye? How can I tell them I don't want to transition anymore? All that fighting and personal growth with my family. A man who was a gold star gay before he met me. What will they have to deal with when all of a sudden their son, brother, husband is suddenly a woman? How can I put my family through this again? What will my husband's family say? Besides his mother and stepfather not many of his family knew I wasn't biologically male. I try and try to not dread on things that haven't happened but the guilt is overwhelming.

In a few days I'll see my therapist again and I'll talk to her about this but I just had to get it out now. Maybe writing it out will help me not be as depressed and anxious until my next appointment.

[sailortroon1]

People who take/have taken testosterone for medical transition deserve more than the main concern about us being whether or not we’ll be able to fucking reproduce.

I see much more worrying (from non-(de)trans about “testosterone means you’ll need to get a hysterectomy, which means you won’t be able to have BABIES” than about the health effects of testosterone and hysterectomy. Starting testosterone I was asked more about whether I’d cosidered freezing my eggs than what thought I had put into the effect HRT could have on my health. Detrans women are often pitied for their inhibited or lack of fertility rather than having people who actually care about their health. Similarly, reading that Irreversible Damage book, it cried more about the effect binding could have on breast tissue and therefore breastfeeding than on the health effects of damaged breast tissue or about how it could fuck up the ribcage.

We deserve better. Our bodies are not just breeding machines. They are for living in.

[skullsandteatime]

Growing Up Gender Non Conforming pt2

I felt as though I couldn't dress gnc any other way then Goth and so I continued to dress only that way. It wasn't that bad because I liked dressing that way. My mother might have been okay with it but the same could not be said at school. I got shit from a lot of my peers and even teachers. I'm only going to get into the parts of the problems they had with me being a woman not dressing how they thought I should. Consistantly being told I'm going to hell because I'm a "Satanist " isn't what this post is about. There was a group of boys that sat behind me and every day they'd laugh and snicker how I was ugly as a dog. That no man would ever want to be with me unless they were extremely desperate. The man not wanting me didn't bother me but having to hear how ugly I was and how funny it was too was agonizing. It would be for any young person (especially for a young girl). Then there was my drama teacher who often told me I needed to be more feminine and that I would look better if I was. She even went as far as to give me a purse during class and told me to wear it. There's this one stand up comic, Sabrina. I don't remember word from word but she said, "My mom gave me a purse and told me to at least try it. I don't know what she was expecting. The purse to have anti-butch bacteria that was going to eat away the butch and leave me the most feminine daughter ever." I can't help but to think of that every time I think of my drama teacher trying so hard to force gender stereotypes on me.

Of course there's much more that happened throughout my life but those the moments I wanted to share. There's one more story I wanted to focus on. I was sixteen at the time and my mother wanted me to wear a dress for Easter. She even said she'll make me look Goth but I wasn't having it. We went back and forth but she won. I wore a dress to Church and all I wanted to do was get back home and change. That didn't happen because they wanted to go out to eat. I felt so ashamed for the waiter to see me in the dress. After lunch they wanted to go to Walmart and at the time I thought they were trying to make my life a living hell. Obviously they weren't and they probably had no idea how uncomfortable I was but it didn't change the fact that's how I felt. Walking around Walmart I felt so exposed and felf that all eyes were on me. Then it happened... My friends saw me and they were so shocked and surprised I was wearing a dress. I can't remember all they said but I remember quickly walking away. I told my mom how embarrassing it was for my friends to see me that way and she was never going to make me wear a dress again. That I'd stop going to Church on a must wear a dress days if I had to. Surprisingly she never forced me to wear a dress again. Maybe because she realized this time it was a fight she wasn't going to win.

The first part of this post and the pt1 was me realizing how much crap I got for dressing gnc and how people made me feel so different for not being feminine. At times when it was happening I'd push back the feelings and try to forget. Now I realize looking back this happened ever since I was five and probably younger. The dress story though was proof that I was a man. No doubt about it! It made so much sense. When I first realized I could transition that dress moment was a lightbulb that went off.

Now of course I know that women can wear whatever they want but it wasn't just the clothing. They made me feel less of a woman and thus made me think, "Oh! I must be trans!" It made so much sense back then. There weren't women to tell me it's okay that I felt the way I felt in that dress. It didn't make me less of a girl and that other women felt the same way too. The butch women that I seen should have been a clue for me but it wasn't because I also didn't feel like I could ever express myself like they could.

But with the FtM community they were telling me that there was no right way to be a transman. I had gone my whole life being told I was being a woman wrong and now I was being told I couldn't be a wrong transman. I think that's one of the many reasons why I thought I must be trans. Why I found it so appealing.

[skullsandteatime]

Growing Up Gender Non Conforming pt1

As always I have some things I want to say before I get into this. When I talk about boys/girls clothes I'm referring what I was hearing growing up. I think any woman and man should feel free to dress how feminine or masculine they want.

I'm going to be using Goth as a reference of my style of dressing. I don't consider myself a Goth because I don't listen to Goth music

Also one last thing. I'm going to be referring to someone who is a transman as a woman. I'm doing this because this is when he was still living as a woman and my thoughts and feelings were centered around this person being a woman at the time and how my mother reacted.

If you read my post about makeup then you already know a little of how my parents were like with me wanting to wear the same clothing that the boys in my class and my brother wore. I've always loved boys clothing and I hated the clothes that I was forced to wear. On Christmas day or my brother's birthday I didn't care about the toys that he would get. He was really great about sharing them with me but when he got clothes that I liked I always felt sad because I wasn't allowed to wear something like that. Looking back on it now it's sad how parents unintentional (or intentionally) make their kids feel so different by denying them certain toys or clothes.

I've naturally never been that feminine and that's especially true when it came to how I wanted to express myself. I've wanted short hair and to dress in the boy section even before I started pre school. I was forced to have long hair until I was fourteen or fifteen when my mother finally allowed me to cut it down to my shoulders. It wouldn't be too long after the first haircut that she would let me cut it as short as I wanted. As far as my clothes went I wore whatever they wanted me to until I was fourteen. When I was fourteen I started to dress Goth and for the first time in my life I didn't have to dress feminine. I got to wear baggy shirts and those baggy Tripp pants and I started to feel really comfortable with myself. My parents didn't give me a hard time for dressing more gnc. Maybe because they thought it was a normal Goth thing. Even though I was in love with my new Goth style there were other styles I loved too. I only had Goth gnc clothes though. Then one day my brother gave me a shirt that he didn't like that he thought I would. He also gave me a body of axe spray because he was gifted two and he knew I wanted axe body spray. So I walked into the kitchen dressing gnc in a non Goth style smelling good. My mother looked me dead in the eyes and asked me, "Do you want people to think you're sexually confused?" I remember asking her why it would matter but I can't remember what she said. I just remember feeling hurt and just going back to dressing Goth.

I wasn't the only one that she'd say stuff like that to. I once saw Chaz Bono on TV and this was before Chaz was Chaz. For the first time in my life I saw a woman dress very masculine and I remember feeling happy. I also remember that feeling not lasting long because mother made the remark, "I don't know why a woman would want to date another woman who looks like a man." I couldn't explain it at the time why that hurt me but I also felt bad for her. That there were people like my mother out there that felt that way about her. Another time we had went out to eat and a lesbian couple were seated at the table next to us. I didn't realize at first that they were both women. I thought the gnc woman was so cute. My mother hissed at me to stop starting and only when the gnc woman spoke was when I realized. It didn't phase me like I thought it should. In fact she became more beautiful to me and I also wished I could look like her. I couldn't though because I heard the disgust in my mother's voice.

[skullsandteatime]

Makeup

I just want to state right fast that this doesn't contain any sexual abuse in the story. I've been lucky as I've never been a victim of sexual abuse. I've had a lot of uncomfortable things happen but if I decide to share those I'll give a warning before hand.

So there's this one story I wanted to share. One that I don't share with a lot of people because I fear that they might not understand why it messed with me so much. Why it still does to this day.

So when I was a little kid I was forced to wear what my parents wanted me to. Which was extremely feminine clothing. When I was older my mother told me how it felt like a war to get me to wear a dress when I was young. As young as two, but I don't really remember at all. Looking back even though my parents usually didn't say it out loud I think they were a little worried. They didn't know about trans people back the but they worried about how I acted. When I get the main point of this story you'll probably wonder how I didn't realize this sooner but I thought that it was one isolated incident. Looking back on it now I can see so many small things. Like the time I was f

six and I wanted clothes like the boys in my classroom but my parents refused. What did I do? I stole my brothers clothes. I was so excited that they fit and I went to go show them. They weren't happy about it. My mother flipped. So what my father did no longer feels like he did it out of the blue. I guess it was building up.

Here's what happened

If I was in the double digits I had to be ten but I might have been younger. Eight, nine, ten I can't remember but I remember I was around that age. It was Sunday and it was a Sunday during the weekend my father had custody of me and my brother. He and his girlfriend at the time would drop us off at Sunday school and mom would meet us there before church. Then we would go home with her and that was normal for us, but this day would be different. My father called me into the bedroom and then he pinned me to the bed while his girlfriend applied makeup on me. I tried to get him off, I screamed, and beg but all they did was laugh. Then they dropped us off at Sunday school and told me not take it off. That they would know if I did because they were going to ask my mother. What happened before was horrifying to me but then I had to face my teacher and peers in makeup that was so heavily applied that I looked like I was what people thought of stereotypes of a hooker. My mother and I didn't always get alone in the past but that day I felt so close to her because she let me wash it off.

Again people might not understand why this was so damaging to me, but I felt so violated. I felt so humiliated and for awhile I felt less of a human. I can't explain why I did I just did. I don't know if my mother could tell but she never tried to forced me to wear makeup. The first time I went to porm she asked me if she could do my makeup and I let her. I was uncomfortable with if being applied but she promised me she was going to make me pretty. She did a great job but I had to do something with my hands to distract myself while she did it. I wouldn't wear makeup again till my early 20s. I did it as kind of a middle finger to my father. Even though I can still feel what he did back then I wasn't going to let it control me. I don't wear makeup often. Only when I'm feeling it, but it's the closest thing I felt like I could get to closure. Even if my father did remember he doesn't do apologies; he does excuses.

Rather or not transitioning was right or wrong for me I can't help but to feel this played a role with me being uncomfortable being seen as a woman.

[skullsandteatime]

Before I really start diving in my past there's something that I want explain.

I started my transition because I believed I was trans. I really truly did and so did almost everyone I've talked to who has detransition or is questioning. This isn't some sort of game or costume that I thought I could wear. I had gender dysphoria. I saw myself in the future as a man. When I took my first shot T it was one of best feelings that I ever had. For while I was happy.

So what changed?

I don't really know where to start. Well, I don't know when it started but it was like my gender dysphoria got flipped on it's head. I was no longer dysphoric with my female features and all the effects of T made me dysphoric. I tried to ignore it and tried to truck on but as the weeks went on the more dread I felt. Dread of the thought of going back on T (I had to stop for personal reasons but it was nothing that was permanent to stop me going back on it.) Seeing how manly my face became no longer comfort me. I started to wish I could go back in time and stop myself. I got really depressed because I thought there was no way to go back.

It's scary to think that something I was so sure I needed to do wasn't right for me. That I might be wrong. It's also scary because if that's what I'm thinking then what if I'm wrong about detransitioning? I don't want to take another huge step because I don't want to put my love ones through this if it's not my right move. I'm going to talk to a therapist soon. Dive deep and talk unlike what I did when I started my transition.

Why post it here?

Honestly, because I needed to get it out of me. I know that I'm seeing a therapist but writing it out first is helping me organize my thoughts and gaining the courage to tell this to a complete stranger. On the other hand if someone who is questioning, has detransition, or was feeling like they were alone sees this maybe it can help a little.

[skullsandteatime]

Hello, I'm Skullsandteatime and I want to explain what this blog is going to be about.

I'm currently living as a transguy and I think I made a mistake. I'm going to talk to a therapist soon about my feelings. Rather if I come out of this still trans or if I end up detransitioning I'm not sure.

The reason why I started this blog is that I feel like there was a lot of unshared moments in my past that might have led me to believe I'm trans. So I wanted to be prepared before I spoke with my therapist so I started to write these moments down. I wanted to share mainly just to have a space to get it out but by chance there was someone who went/going through the same thing (or similar) they can know they're not alone. Rather if they are just questioning, have detransition, or still trans.