#detrans questioning

[incognitoradicale]

okay so how do I go off testosterone the smartest way? Just going at once probably isn't that good.

and I am not really wanting to tell the clinic because I fear they're gonna freak out LOL.

[skullsandteatime]

Before I really start diving in my past there's something that I want explain.

I started my transition because I believed I was trans. I really truly did and so did almost everyone I've talked to who has detransition or is questioning. This isn't some sort of game or costume that I thought I could wear. I had gender dysphoria. I saw myself in the future as a man. When I took my first shot T it was one of best feelings that I ever had. For while I was happy.

So what changed?

I don't really know where to start. Well, I don't know when it started but it was like my gender dysphoria got flipped on it's head. I was no longer dysphoric with my female features and all the effects of T made me dysphoric. I tried to ignore it and tried to truck on but as the weeks went on the more dread I felt. Dread of the thought of going back on T (I had to stop for personal reasons but it was nothing that was permanent to stop me going back on it.) Seeing how manly my face became no longer comfort me. I started to wish I could go back in time and stop myself. I got really depressed because I thought there was no way to go back.

It's scary to think that something I was so sure I needed to do wasn't right for me. That I might be wrong. It's also scary because if that's what I'm thinking then what if I'm wrong about detransitioning? I don't want to take another huge step because I don't want to put my love ones through this if it's not my right move. I'm going to talk to a therapist soon. Dive deep and talk unlike what I did when I started my transition.

Why post it here?

Honestly, because I needed to get it out of me. I know that I'm seeing a therapist but writing it out first is helping me organize my thoughts and gaining the courage to tell this to a complete stranger. On the other hand if someone who is questioning, has detransition, or was feeling like they were alone sees this maybe it can help a little.

[incognitoradicale]

personal opinion:

I think gatekeeping through thorough examination and therapy and evaluations to access transitioning measures is important/needed. Informed consent the way I see it in the US is failing, one meetup with a doctor is not enough. I do understand how debilitating dysphoria can be but it is important to not just take what's seemingly best and be as quick as possible, but to sit with those feelings for some time and maybe explore other root causes before going through medical treatment that will inevitably change you irreversibly. I think medical transition should be seen less as a fun side activity but for what it is: medical treatment. And it should be taken seriously as such.

An unnecessary way transition is gatekept through financial stuff,the cost of hormones and surgeries (even in countries with socialised medicine,hailing from Germany here),making it near impossible for poor people to access any care, but this is the only issue I have with "gatekeeping transition".

[incognitoradicale]

my heart hurts so badly with aimlessness and confusion

did I abandon her? Did I kill her? The girl that loved with so much force,I abandoned her. Out of cowardice? Out of fear?

I feel tired,I don't know who I am anymore.

[skullsandteatime]

Makeup

I just want to state right fast that this doesn't contain any sexual abuse in the story. I've been lucky as I've never been a victim of sexual abuse. I've had a lot of uncomfortable things happen but if I decide to share those I'll give a warning before hand.

So there's this one story I wanted to share. One that I don't share with a lot of people because I fear that they might not understand why it messed with me so much. Why it still does to this day.

So when I was a little kid I was forced to wear what my parents wanted me to. Which was extremely feminine clothing. When I was older my mother told me how it felt like a war to get me to wear a dress when I was young. As young as two, but I don't really remember at all. Looking back even though my parents usually didn't say it out loud I think they were a little worried. They didn't know about trans people back the but they worried about how I acted. When I get the main point of this story you'll probably wonder how I didn't realize this sooner but I thought that it was one isolated incident. Looking back on it now I can see so many small things. Like the time I was f

six and I wanted clothes like the boys in my classroom but my parents refused. What did I do? I stole my brothers clothes. I was so excited that they fit and I went to go show them. They weren't happy about it. My mother flipped. So what my father did no longer feels like he did it out of the blue. I guess it was building up.

Here's what happened

If I was in the double digits I had to be ten but I might have been younger. Eight, nine, ten I can't remember but I remember I was around that age. It was Sunday and it was a Sunday during the weekend my father had custody of me and my brother. He and his girlfriend at the time would drop us off at Sunday school and mom would meet us there before church. Then we would go home with her and that was normal for us, but this day would be different. My father called me into the bedroom and then he pinned me to the bed while his girlfriend applied makeup on me. I tried to get him off, I screamed, and beg but all they did was laugh. Then they dropped us off at Sunday school and told me not take it off. That they would know if I did because they were going to ask my mother. What happened before was horrifying to me but then I had to face my teacher and peers in makeup that was so heavily applied that I looked like I was what people thought of stereotypes of a hooker. My mother and I didn't always get alone in the past but that day I felt so close to her because she let me wash it off.

Again people might not understand why this was so damaging to me, but I felt so violated. I felt so humiliated and for awhile I felt less of a human. I can't explain why I did I just did. I don't know if my mother could tell but she never tried to forced me to wear makeup. The first time I went to porm she asked me if she could do my makeup and I let her. I was uncomfortable with if being applied but she promised me she was going to make me pretty. She did a great job but I had to do something with my hands to distract myself while she did it. I wouldn't wear makeup again till my early 20s. I did it as kind of a middle finger to my father. Even though I can still feel what he did back then I wasn't going to let it control me. I don't wear makeup often. Only when I'm feeling it, but it's the closest thing I felt like I could get to closure. Even if my father did remember he doesn't do apologies; he does excuses.

Rather or not transitioning was right or wrong for me I can't help but to feel this played a role with me being uncomfortable being seen as a woman.

[skullsandteatime]

Hello, I'm Skullsandteatime and I want to explain what this blog is going to be about.

I'm currently living as a transguy and I think I made a mistake. I'm going to talk to a therapist soon about my feelings. Rather if I come out of this still trans or if I end up detransitioning I'm not sure.

The reason why I started this blog is that I feel like there was a lot of unshared moments in my past that might have led me to believe I'm trans. So I wanted to be prepared before I spoke with my therapist so I started to write these moments down. I wanted to share mainly just to have a space to get it out but by chance there was someone who went/going through the same thing (or similar) they can know they're not alone. Rather if they are just questioning, have detransition, or still trans.

[incognitoradicale]

A longer rant/vent so bear with me if there's typos or sudden jumps

The more I question my transition the weirder I feel. I don't have much access to feelings I had as a child aside from the fact I had a literal alter ego that was a boy aka I kinda played my own brother? But other than that I don't know much anymore,mostly because it's so far away

I always did feel disconnected to femaleness,in a way until I started puberty I was sure I wouldn't develop in any way. I kinda knew I had to but was like "nah won't happen to me". Ironically enough I was pretty much an early starter and that also caused me to just hate myself even more.

I really don't know if any of the following feelings of "this isn't supposed to happen" or prior ones were genuine sex dysphoria, or just an amalgamation of the effects of misogyny,ableism and fatphobia (since I was the autistic fat girl and therefore fair game for feeling like I don't belong anywhere and I just wrongly attributed it to dysphoria).

I really wish I could undo my years of internet socialization. I wonder if a different environment,one that wasn't ripe with abuse,bullying and pain would've meant something else in my development.

I feel lost. So fucking lost.

[incognitoradicale]

the urge to throw away all my testosterone is overwhelming idk

(k1nk blogs DO NOT INTERACT)

T improved and worsened my life in many ways