Originally I was just going to have the hashtag, because this shit is really hard for me to think about, but after seeing some of my friends come forward with theirs, I think I probably should.
So, the first one was when I was in high-school. I was a "late bloomer", I guess, and still a virgin by the time I was 17. I had fucked off all semester at community college and had failed both of my classes that I was taking there, and was told that I needed to retake them during the summer. This required me to go to a different campus and basically be there by myself all day. Anyway, there was a girl in my Interpersonal Communications class that flirted with me lightly pretty much from the beginning of my time there. Eventually, I was up in the computer lab after class and she sat down next to me and tried to be friendly. I found out that she was 27, and that we had a bunch of mutual likes and stuff when it came to reading and shows and things like that. Anyway, when it was time for me to go, she added me on Facebook, and we continued talking.
Well, things progressed. It wasn't long before she became very forward with me and what she wanted, and was adamant that I shouldn't tell anyone else that that was going on. She continued to "get to know me", although she had ulterior motives for that that I would find out very soon. Anyway, being at the time very eager to do anything to fit into the super toxic and misogynistic clique I was required to be a part of to play football, I jumped at the opportunity to lose my virginity, and thought doing so would get a lot of the bullying to stop.
So, she drove the hour east of Colorado Springs one night that I was able to sneak out, picked me up in her car and found a little dirt road somewhere to do the thing. I didn't enjoy it a ton, and was hesitant to continue on, but she insisted and for some reason I deluded myself into thinking we were dating in secret. She played to my insecurities as much as she could, and it worked.
Eventually, I gave my mom some bullshit excuse that I was going hiking with her "and her boyfriend" in order to get a day alone with her at her house. That was the first time stuff actually happened. It was also her first opportunity to let me know that she was very into con-non-con stuff and had rape fantasies, which I balked at immediately and said I wasn't into and didn't feel good about. She then proceeded to sit down opposite me at her coffee table and outline for me every detail of my life that she had pried into, catalogued, and researched, and her exact plan, as an adult, to sabotage all of those things if I didn't give her what she wanted. My football career and chances at scholarships, gone. My college credits fucked up and the whole of the debt from the 3 classes, that my school agreed to pay if I passed them, instead passed to my parents who would pass them to me. Any social media presence I had, fucked. The list went on and on, and her plans for exacting this revenge were so calculated and methodical that I had no doubt that she could make them happen. So, I went along. This lasted until 3 months later, she messaged me and said we could be done, deleted her Facebook and wiped all trace of our relationship ever happening... except, obviously, the nausea in the pit of my stomach when I look back at it.
The second one was when I was 19. I was very, very far down the addiction rabbit hole in my search for numbness from my self-hate. I was also mixed up in that in such a way that I had obligations that I had to fulfill that required a car, and these obligations were the only way I could eat/have shelter. I started staying with my girlfriend's friend's boyfriend's family in what was essentially an entire apartment complex that they controlled (with the help of the Crips in the area) and dealt drugs from. In that complex was a cab driver in his late 40s who would give rides to people in exchange for product or sexual favors (in the case of the women, usually). My car broke down, and I still needed to get around, again, so I could eat. I was expecting he would ask me for product in exchange, but he pulled me into his apartment one night and laid it out for me... it was the other thing. I had a bunch of errands to run the next day, so I let him go down on me for about an hour, wanting nothing more than to kill myself the entire time. After he finished, I was almost catatonic, but I managed to say "That's not happening again." He agreed and said he would give me rides regularly in exchange for nudes of me. I turned him down, ran out, did the errands the next day, and afterwards he asked me again. I had spent the whole day on my phone trying to figure out another ride situation, and there just wasn't one... so I agreed. That lasted pretty regularly for about 6 months, until I got my car back and didn't need to rely on him anymore.
I ran into him again when picking up another person I knew in that complex from his cab. He rolled down his window and tried to start talking to me... I didn't respond, much to the confusion of my passenger. After he closed the door, I bolted, and never saw the guy again.
In closing, I just want to say, if there are any of you out there that are getting harassed, abused, blackmailed, used, taken advantage of, etc, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It affects you forever, but it's not forever, and I hope you can find the courage to find help, or get out of it on your own. Stay strong.
