🫧Zephyr🫧

he/they || 19 || returning to my tumblr roots

[sleep-sounds-nice-rn]

perverts - ethel cain

[sleep-sounds-nice-rn]

however i gotta say, even tho my boyfriend is perfect and my life is genuinely good i'm under so much stress that i can't take care of myself, i've barely been getting to the gym maybe once a week or twice if im lucky because i have so much work for my emt class, im taking a 16 week class condensed into 8 weeks, we have 6 weeks to learn the entirety of content in a 1,600 page textbook, we only meet once a week for 8 hours at a time and we have a test and quiz every class except for one where we have two tests, +48 clinical hours on the ambulance, i'm so busy i'm kinda falling apart and my body looks like shit. my abs are barely visible any more and i've gained like 4 pounds in the past three weeks, and from like march-may i almost completely cut out added sugar but the past couple of weeks i've been socially indulging and going over my calorie limit and everything, and it's not even a low limit im just doing like 1,500-1,600 per day and trying to hit 100-120g protein, but i've been too easy on myself and i feel so out of control. and i know obsessing over my body won't change things but i look horrible and i need to change things. im not going back to having an ed or anything crazy like that because i was so unbelievably miserable and i want to have a muscular, lean physique anyway, but i gotta lock in and get that discipline back in my life because i feel like im falling apart.

[sleep-sounds-nice-rn]

and GOOD update, now i have a loving boyfriend and we're actually in a beautifully healthy and supportive relationship!!!! i didn't know this was possible for me? but he's genuinely perfect and supportive of all my mental health problems (bipolar, ptsd) and we have healthy boundaries about ensuring we have outside support systems, he's hot and caring and honest and so genuine, and he loves me!!!! i didn't think it was possible for someone to be in love with me as much as i'm in love with them, but it is. we've been dating for a bit over a month, we're about 2 hours away and we've been visiting for a couple days every week while i'm in emt training and he's taking a summer class, genuinely our relationship is sunshine and rainbows. AND he supports me being genderfluid/trans/something idk (he's bi but super in the closet because his dad is super homophobic/transphobic).

[sleep-sounds-nice-rn]

wow i haven't been on tumblr in a long time, update that the situationship guy ended up r4ping me when i got drugged at a party (he didn't drug me but he was sober and i was completely incapacitated) and i've finally come to terms with the truth, he's completely out of my life and i actually feel real rage towards him

[totallyboatless]

I've talked about this in tags but I need it to be a full post. There's something about Ilya wearing long sleeves here that kills me. I love that Shane is in a cozy hoodie, too, but it doesn't grab my attention as much because he's not dressed that differently from his usual wardrobe.

But Ilya? He's constantly showing off his body whenever he has the chance. This man is allergic to sleeves. He usually rips his shirt off at the first opportunity.

Ilya's usual wardrobe (or sometimes lack thereof lol) reflects the way he views his body as a commodity, like it's the only thing he has to offer, so he's constantly showing it off.

But then we have this beautiful montage showing the ways that Shane and Ilya have slotted into each other's lives in a pretty regular routine. It's a hot montage, but it's also creeping toward a feeling of domesticity, especially in this moment.

Wearing this shirt to a hookup shows that Ilya has reached a new level of comfort with Shane. He doesn't feel the same pressure to play the seduction game. Shane is going to kiss him the same way regardless of what he's wearing.

That plus the fact that Shane is taking control and pushing Ilya against the glass. Ilya's whole demeanor reflects the way he feels comfortable and taken care of in this moment and it does something particular to my heart.

I don't think Ilya is consciously thinking about why he dresses all comfy cozy for this hookup. He still has a while before he internalizes the truth that Shane wants him just as he is. But Ilya also tends to act based on feeling before he fully understands the subconscious behind those actions.

I love this demonstration of instinctual comfort he's feeling with Shane, even if he's not actively realizing it.

[ngalitzine]

Is proper grammar 🍑

[sleep-sounds-nice-rn]

i guess he's my lover but not in the adorable hollanov type way, he's the conventional lover where we're fucking and he says he loves me but we're not in love and i'm what, just like a close friend to him? but friends don't repeatedly end up fucking then disappearing then fucking over and over again, i wish i was back to literally just two weeks ago, -------------- ----------- --------- --- -------- --------- ---------- -------- ---------------- ------- -------------- ----------- ------------- ---- --------- ------------ ------- ---- --------- ------ ---------- ------- -------- ------------ ofc we can't be together because that would be too easy, i'll take it out on myself or blame my body even though i know he's attracted to me, or at least attracted enough that other people he tries to see don't do it for him, not like i can...still he doesn't love me in the way i love him, he doesn't understand how or why i feel such a deep emotional connection to him and it breaks my heart, i know nothing good or long term can come of us but it's impossible not to hold out hope because he's just that perfect

[thehollanovs]

the look of love

[sleep-sounds-nice-rn]

yaoi becoming mainstream, bare ass on tumblr, welcome back obama's 2016

[hrgifs]

[hayden voice] go get laid, weirdo.

[shut-up-gwen]

Ilya: this guy is cute, I should start a stationary bike race so he knows I want to get sweaty together

Ilya: that didn’t quite work. Maybe I should just give him the eye? While I tell him I hope he likes his new city?

Ilya: okay. But surely if I make him drink from my water bottle and brush his fingers when passing it over…?

Ilya: call him pretty. To his face. No way he can miss that

Ilya: desperate measures, I’ll have to tell him I orchestrated this whole ad campaign just so I could see him again

Ilya: WHAT IF I STARTED JERKING OFF IN THESE COMUNAL SHOWERS?

[kiramisuuu]

Shane, 7 years later: I have figured out that you like me.

[hrgifs]

ilya + diving in tongue first (￣^￣ )ゞ

[femaustinpowers]

david hollander is the true winner of the idgaf war. he doesn’t know what youtube is. he doesn’t care about shane’s sponsorships. he understands why shane doesn’t wanna go to wimbledon and is just happy to go with his wife. he sees his son making out with his supposed arch enemy and turns 180 degrees, gets in his car, and doesn’t tell a soul. he pulls out the vodka when his newly out gay son is having a freak out at the dinner table. if shane had even 1% of his idgaf powers he would be unstoppable. unfortunately that boy inherited his mom’s gaf-ability, which is constantly set to 150%.

[sleep-sounds-nice-rn]

GIVE US BACK OUR BUTTONS!!!!!!!!!!!

[sleep-sounds-nice-rn]

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY TUMBLR LAYOUT??? IVE BEEN HERE TOO LONG TO PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT

[my-2nd-account]

The difference is that jealous Ilya looks homicidal while jealous Shane looks suicidal

[no-lovelorn-hazard]

@raccoonboywrites coming correct as always

[sleep-sounds-nice-rn]

he's so pretty when he sleeps it's a crime that he thinks it's so wrong for us to wake up together when it feels so perfect