DiaryOfASleeplessRose

These are my thoughts on nights I just cannot seem to fall asleep.

[sleeplessrose-blog1]

Shouting into the Void Again

Dear 2020, kindly fudge off. Actually, just fuck off will ya? I’m not sick of the precautions from the pandemic, just sick of the babies not willing to follow them. If y’all had sucked it up months ago maybe things wouldn’t be so bad. But here we are. The worst freaking country there is when it comes to thinking about the people around us. 

Now there are people being shoved into unmarked vans by federal agents in Portland?! For practicing their first amendment rights. We are witnessing the beginnings of a new holocaust and it is going to go down the same way at just under 100 years ago, or so it seems. 

Our country has been so against refugees for the last few years, but what happens when we become the ones seeking refuge? I’m scared that no one will let us in, even if we weren’t the ones against it. With the pandemic how could we even leave if we needed to? 

[sleeplessrose-blog1]

Why is He Still Here? Night 2

Cal is here again tonight. I think it's because the next few months had the best memories and the one that ended it all. A year ago tonight he was on his way to Hawaii for a wedding. I had the opportunity to go, but decided not to since school started that week. The night he came home he confessed to me that he had been flirting with someone where he was staying... I should have ran away then. I was upset, but he never actually did anything with her, or at least that's what he said. Now I'm wondering if that was just a lie though... In a few short months it will be 1 year since the breakup and I'm still not over it. He was a prick and yet here I am still pining for him. I disgust myself. In the past a new relationship has always gotten me out of this funk, but this time when I tried it failed. I've tried self care and meditation. I feel good for a bit but something always drags me back here. I should be asleep, I have to be up early tomorrow.

[sleeplessrose-blog1]

Why is He Still Here?

Background: approximately 8 months ago I had a breakup. We had been dating about 9 months with a one month break in the middle. He broke it off mostly because he had moved a few hours away for a new job. From now on we shall refer to him as Cal. My Thoughts Tonight: I still for some unknown reason love him. He still holds this place in my head and heart that I can't seem to shut down. We've been broken up for almost as long as the relationship lasted and yet somehow he is still here. I have tried moving on. I've liked some other guys, but for one reason or another they either just aren't a good fit for me or they end up being huge donkeys (if you know what I mean). He never once treated me even remotely close to how I should have been for all the shit he put me through. I continued to be understanding and supportive no matter how many times he went on the mental spin cycle, which was quite nearly every morning. I never felt appreciated. The one truly thoughtful and selfless thing he did for me was make me this little figurine. Yea, I know we weren't together very long so I shouldn't have expected much, and I didn't! I would have been happy just walking through a park by ourselves. But once we were actually an item he never planned a date for the two of us. The few times I thought he was going to I'd find out just before that his mom planned it or halfway through that we were meeting his parents for dinner instead of having a whole date to ourselves! Every full date I got with him was at least 80% my planning and I didn't even realize until recently. And for whatever reason I would still take a bullet if it meant I could be with him. Which is stupid. He clearly didn't and doesn't love me. If he did he would have made it work. It's only 2 hours apart. I just can't get it off my mind lately...

[sleeplessrose-blog1]

As I Get Older...

As I get older I start to wonder if I am a good person? I posed this question to a coworker and friend of mine the other day and she seemed so shocked that I would ask, but there is so much in my life that makes me wonder...

The first being that I don’t have many friends, and even the ones I do have I never seem to be any of their “best friend.” Even those who I consider my best friend always seem to drift away after, at most, a few years. I know people come and go, but really? That quickly?

Another thing is that I can’t seem to get a relationship to last longer that a year and a half, and most have been under a year. Now I know, I’m young, but I have met several people my age who have already been engaged and broken it off. One of them is only a few months older and has been engaged now three times! It’s hard to look at that and not think that something has to be wrong with me. And yes, I know I shouldn’t compare my life, growth, happiness, etc to other people’s, but we all do it. And no, I’m not wanting to have a broken off engagement, that situation is brutal, it’s just knowing that I’ve never even been close to that point in any relationship and yet here are all these people my age who have paired off and attempted to make the plunge.

[sleeplessrose-blog1]

About

Greetings,

I’ve thought so long and hard about creating this blog and now I don’t even know how to start my first post. I guess I’ll start with my age. I am 22, and please don’t make the Taylor Swift reference, I have heard it plenty the last few weeks. I am not going to put my real name on this blog mostly because I don’t need people judging me for what I am writing late at night when I can’t sleep. This is exactly what I am using this blog for. Nights when my eyes are tired but my brain refuses to shut down, unfortunately there have been a lot as of late. 

I just want whoever happens to stumble across my page to know, I know that this is just me shouting into the void and that no one cares about what I have to say or what has happened in my life. That’s not the point of this though. I am hoping it helps me. By writing down these thoughts and sharing them, who knows, maybe it’ll help someone else one day.

This blog will probably rarely have happy times or stories. I tend to sleep when I am happy with life. So clearly now is not a happy point in my life. I will never share real names in any of my posts, but yes, there will be real stories and events. 

If you have found your way here, welcome. Here is my mind, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I hope you enjoy.