Pretty Fucking Far From Okay

TRIGGER WARNING

[messier-31-star]

Things that make me feel worse when the 3rd trimester hormones are kicking my ass; too much time on socials, not getting enough exercise, talking to certain people, leaving the WU, not organising the house and baby things. Procrastinating.

Things that make me feel better; keeping up with skincare routine - Elemis hot cloth cleanser, face mask, serums, etc. Organising bedroom and preparing more for baby. Conversations with positive friends. Protecting my peace ☮️ Garden time and park. Coffee shops. Babay shopping. Friends visiting in the evening for catch ups. Cooking healthy meals. Meal prep. Smoothies. Movies. Limit screen time. Rest but not too much. Make a to do list each day

[messier-31-star]

Day 1

Today I am grateful for good friends, good food and the sun ☀️

[messier-31-star]

Day 2

Today I am grateful for you trying, my bath and my products 🧴

[messier-31-star]

Day 3

Today I am grateful for little day trip with L, laughing with family and night time adventures 🌙

[messier-31-star]

Day 4

Today I am grateful for a clean car 🚘 Ty babe 😘 my long black dress 🥵 and pizza 🍕

[messier-31-star]

Day 5

Today I am grateful for the comms - effort noted, deliveroo 🚴 and a cool-ish house 🏠🧊

[messier-31-star]

Day 6

Today I am grateful for the lovely hospital staff, you and the fact everything looks good 👶🏼

[slippingintoinsanity]

Day 7

Today I am grateful for a lovely MW, a team to look after me and my location making everything so easy 🙏🏼

[messier-31-star]

Day 1

Today I am grateful for good friends, good food and the sun ☀️

[messier-31-star]

Day 2

Today I am grateful for you trying, my bath and my products 🧴

[messier-31-star]

Day 3

Today I am grateful for little day trip with L, laughing with family and night time adventures 🌙

[messier-31-star]

Day 4

Today I am grateful for a clean car 🚘 Ty babe 😘 my long black dress 🥵 and pizza 🍕

[messier-31-star]

Day 5

Today I am grateful for the comms - effort noted, deliveroo 🚴 and a cool-ish house 🏠🧊

[messier-31-star]

Day 6

Today I am grateful for the lovely hospital staff, you and the fact everything looks good 👶🏼

[slippingintoinsanity]

Day 7

Today I am grateful for lovely MW, a team to care for me and my village 🙏🏼

[1oved]

[slippingintoinsanity]

Eventful week… 13 weeks. Officially 2nd trimester 🙏🏼 We saw you moving around and looking healthy and perfect ❤️ Babi and mummy love you ❤️ We will make everything okay for you, for us ❤️

[slippingintoinsanity]

So, I’m 5 weeks pregnant. Halfway through the most intense therapy I’ve had. It’s insane but it’s okay. My mind is healed enough to care for you little peanut. I’ve done this before and my babies are growing older and not needing me quite as much. You are a blessing. Your daddy is a work in progress but so am I and am I to judge really?!!! He’s a good man. An extremely annoying but good man, with a good heart and good family. We’re going to be okay. 🙏🏼❤️👶🏼❤️

[slippingintoinsanity]

Things I would’ve missed if I took my life;

Seeing my grandmother one last time. Sharing that precious time with her.

L’s uncontrollable laughter. Freedom to explore. Confidence. Mini teenager.

M happier and excited about life. Taking responsibility. Having her friends round and turning my living room into NH Carnival (neighbours love us!).

K starting to find his happiness and himself. Him healing. His photo shoots.

Him. I would never have known him and what we are doing together. Beach trip. Laughter. Food. Safety in each others arms. Feels solid.

Me finding myself and becoming the person I was supposed to be.

Meeting the TC people. The hugs. The support.

Festivals!

Enjoying my beautiful garden.

Making plans for the future.

A new baby. A new life.

Suicide is an not an option for me. I’ve seen what’s on the other side, if you stay just a bit longer, if you drag yourself through those disgusting, dark times. Just keep going please.

It’s worth all the suffering. Maybe the suffering is almost necessary to get to the other side.

Cutting toxic people with bad energy out of my life was crucial.

Parenting myself, as in; literally taking care of myself like I’m a child. Protecting myself. Sometimes that might look like staying in the bathroom for hours, not leaving the house, sleeping or it could look like, cooking a healthy meal, cleaning my room, taking a shower.

There is hope.

🤍

[thoughtkick]

“There are two types of people you will meet in your life. One will run a finger down the index of who you are and jump straight to the parts of you that peak their interest. The other will take his or her time reading through every one of your chapters and maybe unfold corners of you that inspired them most. You will meet these two people; it is a given. It is the third that you’ll never see coming. That one person who not only finishes your sentences, but keeps the book.”

— Unknown

[miseducatedmelanicmuse]

I receive this message.

[i-will-recover-tomorrow]

[wander-lustinq]

wanderlust ➵

via instagram

[slippingintoinsanity]

Day 21

If I had some nachos I think I’d be ok rn.

[slippingintoinsanity]

Day 21 continued…

Wake up, unblock you for a nano second and check what time you were on wa. Why? Idk. You were on as soon as you woke up. Are you checking for me? See if I’d unblocked you? I know you saw the deleted messages. 15 of them. Lmao. I was raging. Typed them and then deleted before you saw. Not giving you the satisfaction of reading my upset thoughts. I’m glad you didn’t see. However, now you probably expect me to unblock you at some point… I guess you were checking for that? If not then idk. You don’t use WhatsApp in the mornings often. Anyway, morning thoughts involve you. Means I still care, still feel something about the fact we’re not talking. I have nothing to say so I won’t be unblocking you. … Please don’t let me get weak today and message him!!! … I’m not going to the gym. I’m feeling ill and I’m tired as fuck. Hopefully I can keep my mind straight. I was busy all weekend and now it’s Monday and I have nothing to do. So yeah, let’s keep this mind under control - please! 28th March 2022

[slippingintoinsanity]

Day 21.

I blocked and deleted you from everything after you tried to control me or whatever tf that was. Then you plated your dumbass childish shit. Remove me from sc, then tiktok. Sorry, are we 15 or something?! Fuck. Ridiculous. Maybe you bring out the child in me or the fucked off adult that’s just done. Idk. So, I block and delete EVERYTHING. There. Don’t play with me. I warned you. You haven’t blocked me though. I wonder why?! **rolls eyes** I am done this time. You think I’ll call you or contact you, that’s the funniest part. No fucking way. I’ll vent here,if I need to and go about my mf business. I told you had no time for games. I’m not trying to work you out, I’m not your therapist. I’m a very VERY reasonable person but too much is too much. I set my boundaries, you disrespected them. Oh and Ive blocked K. No place for him either. Grateful for the support but you to be there in case one day I want something more from you. So you can fuck off too. 👍🏼 28/03/2022

[slippingintoinsanity]

Me. You lost me. Fuck you.

[slippingintoinsanity]

Day 18. Shit show. Headaches. Pains other places. You’re acting like a cunt.

So immature. I don’t think I can take much more.

I fell asleep. You told me “rest babe”, so I do. Then I wake up to calls and texts. I tell you I slept and you ignore me all day as punishment for not telling you I was going to sleep?! What in fucks name kind of behaviour is this??? I’ve got the fucking bpd diagnosis, not you. Twat.

Needless to say, I’m not opening messages from you. You can suck my dick.

I’m done. I was falling in love with you but fuck this.

25/03/2022

[slippingintoinsanity]

Day 13 (OV day 2 - solid smiley)

Things are okay. Things are good. Reminder to check dates if I lose my shit next month. Please don’t let me.

If I can control my thoughts and impulses now, why can’t I do the same next time??? Maybe I can.

I’ve got a grip on this borderline bitch but she’s slippery.

[slippingintoinsanity]

I definitely have a grip on it. It’s less slippery. I hate the cunt that put me here. I know he suffers now. That’s his punishment and the abusers before him but him. My God, he dragged up all of the demons - because he is a fucking demon. Well, nice try cunt but I didn’t kill myself! Still here! Still fighting and winning. The scars will never disappear from my body and that’s ok. The scars inside are healed. Just need to keep tweaking and reprogramming this beautiful mind 🙏🏼🤍