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Abused Kid Thing (5)

Me: tells someone some story from when I was a kid.

Someone: *look of horror in their eyes*

Me: wait, was that not normal?

lilmoth95

Another thing that happens all the time to me that’s kinda similar is when people ask things like, “what’s the most embarrassing thing that ever happened when you were a kid” I can never find a funny embarrassing story, my memories usually are all extremely dark and traumatic. “What’s something you never told anyone” usually follows the same like I can’t find something that’s cute, interesting, or silly it’s usually pretty dark. It’s hard to socialize when similar questions are asked because I don’t want to not be honest but I also don’t want to completely kill the mood lol

melomanic-logophile

It sucks because usually I’ll still tell the tale but then I ruin the mood and it upsets me when I do that.

xo-danny

This happened to me yesterday when meeting a couple of my best friends relatives. We were all just hanging out in the front room and talking- Normal, chill, cool. Her little sister is being a bit loud, but its not too bad. Then, my best friends Uncle asks me “So what’s your Father like?” And I answer as nonchalant as I can;

“He’s…cool. Yeah. He sleeps a lot, most of the day he isn’t really there. Not the nicest. Used to be an alcoholic but got better. But we do keep stashes of money around the house for cases he goes to jail, needs to be bailed out or stuff like that. Law, y'know?”

Everyone went dead fucking silent, including the little sister. My blood ran cold. I kept my face neutral but I knew; I Fucked Up.

neko-kaiyo

Wait, so I’m like not the only one???

Like any conversation I feel like I have to walk on thin I’ve but in the end I still fall through. For example whenever we’re paired in groups for discussions in my English class I know I’m immediately screwed. This happened when we were discussing authority figures for the book To Kill a Mockingbird and we had gotten to the part of talking about what we thought of people who are police men (just in advance my biological father was something of an officer and he had molested and raped me several times as a child) so I obviously said I thought a lot of police where pretty terrible. One guy decides to corner and call me out,trying to guilt trip me since his dad was a cop. And without really thinking I said “well I think they’re pretty bad, I mean my dad was one and he used to scream at me, hit me and do things to me.. so no I don’t have the brightest opinion of police officers!”

And I just wanted to punch myself in the face and sink into the corner and never be seen again.

for-the-love-of-flowers91-deact

I had this happen to me last night. L meet my dad when I got married and apparently she got the gist that he’s a fun guy. So she keep telling me JN would have fun with my dad. And all I could think was yeah they would untill he drinks to much and snaps or decided something you said or did hurt his feelings so he hurts you for it. I’m left feeling uncomfortable because I don’t want to lie but I also don’t want to say something that might kill the mood or make them look at me differently. You never know if they will believe what I say is true.

I guess this reason alone is isolating. It’s hard to speak up if your afraid your past was to much but it also shows up in your mind a lot. Your left with this scrambling feeling of shit what can I talk about…? I always choose silence in this situation.

thehumanotaku-deactivated201912

someone: omg your mom is so nice! i wish i had a mom like that

me, fully aware the only reason my mother is buttering up this person is just because she wants to be seen as a good mom but not actually act like one, but obviously not being able to say it because somehow despite everything i still love my mom and hate anyone besides me belittling her:

dove-s-kinny

This happens to me on a daily. I play Truth or Dare and games like that a lot with my group of friends and once someone got asked who they’d want to swap lives with and they immediately said me because I’m skinny and my parents are great. I just told her like “it’s not all great, I promise” and she wouldn’t stop talking about how wonderful my life must be and I couldn’t tell her that my mom is abusive and manipulates my dad into joining her on it and that the reason I’m do skinny is because my mom made me feel so bad about my weight that I developed an eating disorder. I told my friend to drop it and then a couple of my other friends starting joining in and saying that I had no right to complain about my life because at least my parents were together, or at least I was skinny, or at least my parents care about where I go and what I do (my mom is insanely overprotective and controlling) and it all just made me feel so guilty and I went home and had a breakdown after that.

courageousfaolan

^Then they aren’t your friends

rosegardenmassacre-deactivated2

When you can’t really bag on how Mom fucked up your kids because people think Mom is wonderful and that you’re making shit up.

sparksinthenight

Oh this is my mom.SOOO nice to outsiders. Such a dick to people she actually has power over. (Not to me though I was the golden child and thankfully my sister is an adult and not even in the same country as us anymore. She deserves to be free and happy.) I wish society in general was more wary of manipulative, lying people who pretend to be so sweet but really just have huge egos.

watercolourferns

My mum is like this… and I’ve told her. She’s insanely nice with others, my dad’s cousin and her family love her to bits. And I don’t have the heart nor strength to tell them how abusive she can be, covert and overt, meaning to be or not. I’ve told her she is, she’s conscious about it, she doesn’t do much to change, and she knows it… Yet I don’t hate her… I can’t, she’s my mum…

pagewoman

Dancing Fairies by Arthur Rackham

hidden-inthesound

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Tsumeato – hibiku – Dance in the Vampire Bund Ending

dreamfyresabo

#hxh

serenaci

I cried.

#metric

thelatestkate

For the LONGEST time I could not get the hang of deep breathing because trying to control my breathing at all would spike my anxiety. My therapist kindly advised I try fully exhaling first, and it worked! Just passing this advice along in case someone needs it. ♥ °˖✧*• Shop, Patreon, Book, Mailing List *•. ✧˖°`

#thank u bunny pal #anxiety

ikimonodamono

hydration

you-are-another-me

dspressed

Just a reminder that Vincent van Gogh did not eat yellow paint to make himself feel happy, he ate paint, and drank different chemicals because he was suicidal and this is why he was not allowed in his studio while having breakdowns. He also did not paint starry night and his other great works because he was depressed, he painted most of them while he was in recovery and demonstrated his hopefulness and love of the world through this. Most of his great works were painted from his room at a hospital. Van Gogh’s depression should not be glorified. His hope and effort toward a better life, as well as his recovery from depression should be glorified.