A T E

[Vent/Rant/Trauma Blog] novice writer

[melomanic-logophile]

Pinned post for blog intro.

Hi, this is my vent blog so big TW.

Subjects include: SA, Abuse, r4pe, depression, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, anger/hate, drugs/alcohol, mental illness/health, etc.

I’ll be talking about my mental health, things I go through, etc. I am LGBTQ+ diagnosed with tourettes, anxiety disorders, depression disorders, PTSD, OCD, ADHD, etc and I suspect that I’m autistic amongst other things.

I am an adult so please be aware, and I do not interact with minors other than giving advice or pep talks for mental health issues (preferably through ask box please).

I will block anyone if they say anything sexual or romantic towards me.

Feel free to reblog things if you relate or want to share the messaging of course. I appreciate asks, I will always do my best to give good advice or answer questions.

Lastly, always be careful online!

[melomanic-logophile]

I am at a loss for words, nothing even happened, I just don’t know if I can do this. I am absolutely exhausted and barely able to do much without a mental breakdown. I am having trouble even motivating to get out of bed again, I feel bad in a million ways, I don’t know what to do or how to get away or how to cope. I don’t know anymore, I don’t know. I just want to have my own peace, I thought my hopes and dreams were realistic but nothing could have prepared me for this. I just wish I could get a diagnosis and go on disability, I can’t even find a good doctor or therapist and I can’t live here anymore but I’m stuck. It’s my fault. I don’t know.

[melomanic-logophile]

Wild Dog.

(poem by me)

Insistent on keeping me on a leash.

Hold your ideas over my head.

It’s not about money, so what’s the real problem?

Can’t handle that I’m gone all the time, and don’t want to eat dinner with you?

When all you do is disrespect me, and all you want to talk about is ‘your God.’

Should I just let you condemn me because you’re afraid?

You refuse to cry for me, so how is it that you expect me to feel sorry for you?

I wait until you’re asleep to let myself think.

Do you feel scared when you can’t control me?

Tell yourself that I’m disobedient, but all my life I’ve done what everyone else told me.

You tell me that I’m a mess, just to tell me you love me.

Tell me, when you die, what will happen to me?

Will I be thrown back into the woods?

I walk a thin line between well behaved and wild,

friendly but cautious.

You give me a warm bed and expect me to learn all the tricks, give me treats when I behave and coldness when I’m bad.

You think I’ve grown attached?

You just don’t know me, not that well.

I’m an aggressive dog, caged up and abused for too long, I hold it back but Im waiting to bite.

There were days I was left to fend for myself,

days I was thrown out like nothing.

You think that I’m warm, stupid, and your possession,

but there’s a chill inside me.

There is a spite and sadness that echoes,

cries and screams of ancestors betrayed.

I was never meant to be here, there’s no space to breathe in this overpopulated hell.

[melomanic-logophile]

I’m shown over and over again that there’s no place for me anywhere. This is getting to be too exhausting.

[melomanic-logophile]

Have you ever lost the will to even just turn in bed? Great way to start the day, especially on 0h sleep.

[melomanic-logophile]

Woke up dizzy asf and thr3w up, unfortunately it was just b1le cause I hadn’t eaten anything (it was 3pm)

Having a party tomorrow so I have to wake up at a decent time but I feel like I’m rotting and I hate everything so we will see how that goes.

[melomanic-logophile]

Early trauma, and tumblr, entwined with the new world.

To those I trusted

with my secrets

the parts of me I hide

The ones I don’t even know

who I hope are still out there somewhere

and to the ones I knew well,

It was meant to be this way, and isn’t that sad?

But, I hope you’re well.

Even if you hurt me,

well just move on.

Those strangers I messaged

who I bared my soul to in my most

volatile and vulnerable underage state

who didn’t take advantage

and tried to help, offered solace…

I believe they were angels.

This world is hell but they were

holy.

I believe in G-d like a cruel joke,

but what if this entity who controls everything

is just like us?

what if this entity is nothing and everything?

what if whatever your G-d is might be just a concept?

Does it even matter?

Then there are wars and murder started

from religion and hate…

unholiness is a concept I don’t abide by,

I am untouched.

- T

[melomanic-logophile]

i’m so mentally ill it’s insane, my delusions of grandeur falter/crack and I realize that I am not at all where I want/wanted to be and that my trajectory has somehow changed completely to the point that I’m unsure how to be realistic (it all ends badly).

[melomanic-logophile]

update

I’ve been alcohol free since 02/17/2025 which is good, I literally destroyed my gallbladder so it had to be removed.

I have many other health problems I’ve been dealing with, still haven’t found a job, and basically had to enroll in college again to keep living here. It’s understandable, but i’m so burnt out and exhausted and it’s getting really bad again.

I am extremely su1c1dal and have come close to attempting again. Reading up on the shedblr losses, it makes me so upset because they were so young, and it hit close to home because I was just like that as a minor bro 😭 My life has improved but I still want to k/ms so bad I’m wondering if the last 15-20 years were even worth it. I don’t know where my life is heading, I’m a good person, smart, loving… but I’m more burnt out than I’ve been in a long time and if I try to be realistic I’m not on a good path. I need to get a job so I can start saving up, because I’m guaranteed to be homeless in the next 5-10 years if something doesn’t change.

Even if I can get my degree I probably still won’t find a job because of how crap the job market is rn. I just don’t know if I can do this, but I have to hang on for my wife… I know she won’t make it without me. I wish I could take back some things, but mostly I am just hoping blindly that some miracle will happen and everything will get better.

I’m in so much pain mentally and physically it’s testing me fr

[d6ggiechow-deactivated20250917]

Shedblr account.

I have recently found out that two of my old mutuals had committed suicide through this account and along with someone I was very close with.

Despite how I didn't know bpd bitch and berry on a personal level, it still did hurt knowing about their passing, along with the speculations of someone I was close with on yanblr being gone, I thought I would make a post about it.

Yanblr probably isn't the best place, considering how toxic it can be, how being an irl yandere can really bring down someone's mental health as well. I'm not close with most of the people in the community, so I can't say i understand anyones pain, but please know that it is okay to not feel okay. You should never be scared to reach out to people if you're feeling suicidal or just sad. this is quite hypercritical of me.

It's okay to reach out, It's OKAY to feel scared to open up to people, especially with trust issues — but you should never have to go through anything alone. No one is perfect, no one has the perfect life or the perfect relationship — things can easily be hidden on the internet.

Please never hesitate to reach out to someone or to check up on someone who you believe might be struggling — because you could just end up saving someone.

it might be annoying to see the yan tags be used for this, but I would rather get this out.

[thinspooked30]

She was the softest little soul, and she doesn’t even get to be fifteen. She hadn’t even worn eyeliner yet.

[thinspooked30]

The last song she listened to was creep by radiohead said it reminded her of someone real nice

[thinspooked30]

Goodnight princess.

[sk1nnyd34dwe1ght-deactivated202]

13 years old. 5'5, weighed at 78lbs during initial hospitalization. He was severely underweight.

[melomanic-logophile]

I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve been job hunting for weeks,, months,,, and nothing. I can’t move forward in life without money but I can’t get money if nobody will give me a chance. This society was not made for people like me. What do I do? I just need a miracle or something.

[melomanic-logophile]

I am 8 days sober (from alcohol), I’m so thankful to have a clearer mind. Life still sucks, but things are looking better.

[melomanic-logophile]

the amount of pictures I have from last year of me right after sobbing my eyes out is concerning…