Smaeemo

🍉 Rise of LARRST Certified dragonlord Big cheese I have a lot of feelings #lentil soup #destiel SPN, House MD, Criminal Minds

[smaeemo]

• Any pronouns

• Diné + Jewish

Smaeemo on everything

@smaeemos-castiel-blog

@smaeemo-criminalminds-blog

@smaeemo-housemd-blog

@smaeemo-reads

-> #smaeemo for original posts

-> SPN, House MD, Criminal Minds, 9-1-1, Greys Anatomy (occasionally), Haikyuu

My Spotify

Discord: @smaeemo

[smaeemo]

What would I do at the end of the world?

I’d like to think I would do something profound. Something life-changing, or maybe help others, bring light to a world that everyone knows is ending. But the truth is, I think that would just be impossible. Not objectively, but for me, I doubt I would be that selfless in a time of nihilism. Weirdly, I think I would be morbidly excited. Not happy, or celebratory, just excited.

I’ve never believed that death is the end. Not the end of myself, my journey, my meaning, or even my consciousness. It’s just traveling world to world, a never-ending path, but it is not daunting; it’s just how it is. The movement of the earth, the flow of the rivers, the sound of soft footsteps on solid ground. Ongoing, though sensorily ephemoral.

The end of this world, it scares me as much as moving house to house does. The memories that lace every foot, every inch, every centimeter of this world are rapidly carved into my mind. Flowing intensively between each groove of my brain lie stories and ideas, experiences and goals. Histories, and a smooth tale of memory.

But why fear the inevitable? Why fear what you cannot control? In the same way that I relinquish my control and thus my life to the pilots of a plane, and hope that they are responsible. I allow the uncontrollable to nurture me. I don’t anxiously pick my nails, or imagine the plane falling into pieces like I used to. I resign myself to the seat i’m strapped into, and remember, from this height I would just die.

It’s not the absence of my life that scares me. It’s the idea of my existence, leaving those who love me. My future, sure, it’s important. I won’t deny that everyone who exists impacts at least one life, but it’s just another in the grand scheme of things. Eventually, there will always be another person with just as much, if not more, potential. It’s not nihilistic, and it’s not that I don’t value my life; it’s just the truth I allow my life to adhere to. It makes it easier to step onto a plane, jump into water, and cross the street without a crosswalk.

But what cannot be denied is those who would miss me, those whom I love.

Those who love me.

The moment I realized I couldn’t die by my own accord was when I was talking to my sister. My sister, the most important person in my life, the person who I will always be with, who will always be with me when times are hard. I called the IOP places for her; she nurtured me back from suicidality. We have eachother, we are a product of one another’s livelihood. We’ve learned how to be with eachother outside of predetermined roles, youngest and oldest. She once said she would kill herself if I died. 

I believe it without a doubt

I still have an itching suicidality. But I will never act. The world needs her in every possible way. And for that, I owe the world at least one sister, if not the other. Which, in turn, means both of us.

So I want to die, but I won’t. And if I do, I guess i’ll blame it on God, or maybe fate, something in the universe. But the truth is, i’ll do everything to avoid it. I don’t fear death because I want to live, I fear death because I want my sister to. I want her to live without the tarnish and wound of a dead sister that she carries, embedded into her bones, carved onto her ribs, brandished on her heart. You dont recover from that. Atleast I know she wouldn’t.

Back when I was suicidal, every time I would try to write a suicide note, I would give up, I would end up backing down, because I would get to my sister’s part and fall short. I would get embarrassed at the fact that I was writing one in the first place. How do I apologize for killing her? I don’t, I can’t, and I won’t.

I tell people, “Find someone or something to live for,” and it’s true. But what I don’t tell them is how intense it really is. When someone is your whole world. I love my sister with all my heart, which I why I will continue to allow it to beat.

A beating that hurts like a punch. Each opening and closing of my valves, at times, feels like wounds being pried open. Feel like an ache, deep-rooted, filling each crevice with shameful oozing blood. The kind that coagulates instead of crusting.

For these reasons, this is why I wouldn’t fear when the world ends. And why in every lifetime would I spend it sitting in my sister’s room in tear-stained t-shirts, pajama pants, and a resigned comfort. Snuggled deep beneath hand-me-down blankets and a thick layer of ignored grief. Why grieve something you’ll never be able to see?

You can’t change the inevitable; you can just accept it. And in every lifetime, I’ll accept the fact that just as my sister and I live together, we will die in the same way. Bound together by memories, by the people we have made eachother.

If the world were ending, I would spend it with my sister. Just grateful we would die at the same time. Thank god.

[veroncsawyr]

Orpheus turning for Eurydice except it’s Levi turning for Erwin

[grimalditeuthis]

what they don't tell you about hadestown is that orpheus and eurydice are not the main characters. neither are persephone and hades. or hermes. or the fates. the main character is whoever in the band is playing the trombone because holy fuck

[enthyrea]

you’re counting all your sheep in disguise

[miyunnnaise]

drop the dagger and lather the blood on your hands, romeo

[mooredmisery]

Love when domestic Destiel fics are canon-conpliant and have them like this:

[mooredmisery]

My supporting evidence:

[bigpansy]

awwwwe

[troynabed]

02.06 | epidemiology

[pansyfemme]

“penises” or “vaginas” aren’t actually real physical objects with a function. they exist solely as metaphors and to influence imagery in weird art films

[official-pussy-posts-2]

Official Metaphussy Post

[cheldessin]

GIRL👏​ABED👏​RIGHTS👏

Fujo's wife's here

[iggypiper-blog]

it's supposed to be just silly sketches but god knows i'll kill for them

[cheldessin]

M u t u a l p i n i n g

[lesbianwithchainsaws]

[lampshadefrankly]

it’s not a good ship unless you can’t really tell whether they’re in love romantically or platonically

[fyeahcooldormrooms]

Reed College

[reedadmission]

If I’m not mistaken, this is in one of our Cross Canyon dorms! The beds are totally raisable, up to about four feet above the ground - you can have a handy storage space below! They rooms are super cosy, and as you can see, you can often squeeze a couch in, if you want. 

[deancasbabyy]

since it’s midnight here already, happy november 5th, can’t believe it’s already been 5 years