i used to buy into that online leftist black-and-white Glorious Revolution stuff and what i remember about my mindset at that time. stresses me out tbh. i couldn't see the viability of anything short of full-scale revolution so i constantly felt helpless. i viewed the revolution as necessary to address any and all societal problems, but i was also, privately, terrified of it. i didn't want to die for the cause, but i told myself that if that was what happened when the revolution came it would be worth it, that my blood could move us that much faster toward perfect socialist utopia.
in this mindset, the only useful thing i could do was die. i didn't want to. i wasn't generally suicidal (although i do consider this mindset a form of... abstract suicidal thought). but i believed my life was the only meaningful thing i had to offer.
now i'm a member of a community who values me and values my contributions even if i can't contribute as much as i'd like -- a community that emphasizes that every single good deed matters, every compassionate act changes the world. a community where just showing up is enough.
now i know that i can change so much more while i'm alive than i'd ever be able to as a corpse on a battlefield. i know that if i keep showing up, i will find or someone will show me a way to make a difference. i know that i am valued as more than a hypothetical martyr in some grand final battle. i know that i am missed when i'm gone. i know that the actual work is done by regular people with a goal in mind, and i know that that work is unglamorous. i know the unglamorous work is often the most meaningful and the most fulfilling.
the "revolution or nothing" mindset is rendering my generation hopeless. a very loud portion of gen z now believes the only contribution they have to offer is their life. this belief effectively nullifies a person's capacity to create meaningful change; any action they could take while alive is not worthwhile because it won't fix the world's myriad problems in one fell swoop -- better to burn it all down and yourself with it.
if they weren't actively fucking over the rest of us to feed their own suicidal hopelessness, i'd feel sorry for them.
there's a phenomenon i've observed wherein a person stews in their own misery, hopelessness, anger, fear, to the point that they can no longer fathom that something might exist outside of that, and so they reject any effort to improve their situation because they no longer believe it can be improved.
i am not blaming the people who are in this place. it's a terrifying, dark place to be in, and when you're there it really does feel like it's the only thing that exists. this is the place where people kill themselves.
i think, though, that this phenomenon, scaled up to apply to politics and activism, undergirds so much of what we see from the left now -- the world is dark and terrifying, and in the 24-hour news cycle, social media doomscrolling era we live in it's so so easy to only see the bad, and when you surround yourself with other scared, overwhelmed people, it can form a sort of 2014-tumblr-depression-tag echo chamber where that hopelessness is glorified and lauded and propped up as Correct And Enlightened.
and then they commit hate crimes about it and my sympathy shuts all the way off.
Boosting signal
I will always remember something my state-appointed psychiatrist said to me when we first met and I was giving him the run-down of my life so far, and I said "and I'm homeless right now--" and he stopped me.
'I LOVE that you just said that. That you said "right now"!' he said. 'So many of my homeless patients say they're homeless like it's their job, and that means they never see a way out of it.'
'Well,' I said, knowing the statistics. 'Most people are on the street for a year on average. It's not forever, it can't be. nothing is.'
And because I had the audacity, the boldness, to assume I was only homeless right now, I actively kept living like it was a temporary state, like I deserved housing and deserved care and deserved better than i had right now. Because it was only for right now. It wasn't forever. It couldn't be. Nothing is.
I was homeless for about a year and a half. And then I got housed. And right now I live IN a house, with good friends.
But it's only for right now. It isn't forever. It can't be. Nothing is. And whatever's coming next is going to be better! Because I have the audacity, the boldness, to assume it will be and that I deserve it.
And you do too.
But you HAVE to start thinking of misfortune as only being temporary. It's just bad right now. Practise that. "It sucks--right now" "I'm miserable--right now". Just a small thing. But it makes a big difference. It makes all the difference.
Because if you always put "right now" at the end, no matter how miserable you get, you have left a little crack.
And that's how the light gets in.
