so a few years back when i worked at this catholic summer camp in texas, we’d have “messy wars” every friday with the batch of campers we had for the week. if you’ve worked ever worked at a summer camp you’d probably recognize it. it’s like a water balloon fight but then you add it a can of whipped cream in each kids hand, homemade slime, and other harmless junk that the kids can just throw at each other in an open field.
anyways, after it’s over, rather than having the entire camp try to shower at 2pm, we’d have everybody put on a life jacket, jump in the lake, dry off, change their clothes, and call it good until regular shower time that night. and this one week as a counselor, on a whim i’d decided to wear a tank top for messy wars. i didn’t usually wear it because i have self-harm scars on the top of my right arm from when i was in high school, and i was particularly embarrassed by it as a 21 year old guy.
so, after messy wars, i was waiting in line to get a life jacket, watching my cabin of campers from afar, and these two girls who didn’t participate in the game were hanging out near me waiting for everybody to finish jumping in and washing off. they were pretty introverted and kept to themselves, but i’d had a few conversations with them throughout the week when they were in the activities i’d been assigned to lead. they were down to earth and chill, but the whole ‘camp experience’ wasn’t their thing. also they were high schoolers, so they had the whole ‘edgy’ thing going on.
and so one of them looks at me while i’m waiting patiently and says, “what happened to your arm?” and, having already encountered the question at various points throughout the summer, i gave her my fun deflection of an answer, “i got in a fight with a bear. he got me pretty good.”
so she nods. and i look away because i’m like, dammit somebody noticed. and she talks again and says, “how long ago did you fight the bear?” and i stopped, and thought about it, and it’d been about 4 years since i’d self-harmed, so, i looked back and told her i fought the bear about 4 years ago.
and she nodded again and asked, “did you win?”
and i hadn’t self-harmed in four years. and i hadn’t been tempted to for four years. and it felt like, yeah, i won. i beat the addiction. i beat the sadness. i learned how to cope and knew on a deep level that life was worth living. so i said, “yeah. yeah i won.”
and she nodded again. and she said, “i got in a fight with a bear once, too.”
and i looked at her, and i don’t remember hearing anything else but us, and i said, “did you win?”
and she said, “yeah. about a year ago, i won.”
and i said, “good. i’m glad.” and she smiled. and i smiled. and i think about that moment from time to time, and to this day it was one of the most meaningful moments i had at that camp. for the smallest moment, a young women saw a young man several years her senior, a counselor at the camp, with scars like hers, with a struggle like hers, and we were both able to revel in a small moment of victory together. and support each other. and that was it. we smiled, exchanged this look that only two veterans of a similar experience can share, and went on our way. it’s moments like those that shape you as a young person, and i’ll never stop being thankful for that one in particular.
