cardigans anonymous @smugairle-roin - Tumblr Blog

this recent trend of teenagers using genAI chatbots to talk to fictional characters is fucking grim. what you should be doing is roleplaying on private messages with your friends until the lines between you & the characters begin to blur & you develop some very complex & confusing feelings for each other that culminate in a massive fallout you dont have the tools to process nor understand

herhmione

the harry potter books rated by Harry's Sass™

the sorcerer's stone: dudley asking harry if he wants to practice sticking his head down the toilet and harry replying "no thanks, the poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it - it might be sick" like ooo!!! sick burn!!! good for an 11 year old but overall still in the developmental stage. 6/10

the chamber of secrets: dudley (once again lmao get rekt) telling harry "i know what day it is" and harry replying "well done, so you've finally learned the days of the week." lockhart trying to be all Amazing Teacher™ and shit and telling harry "just do what i did, harry!" and harry saying "what, drop my wand?" overall good but not with as much of an Oomph™ factor as the sorcerer's stone. 5/10

the prisoner of azkaban: ah yes!!! Harry's Sass™ in its adolescent years!!!! no longer a toddler, now solidly about 11 years old. draco making fun of harry for fainting at the quidditch game bc of the dementors and saying "shame [the broom] doesn't come with a parachute - in case you get too near a dementor." and harry replying "pity you can't attach an extra arm to yours, malfoy. then it could catch the snitch for you." 8/10 purely because he fucking MURDERED whiny bitch ass baby malfoy ha ha take that

the goblet of fire: a good amount of sass!! a healthy amount of sass! perhaps a bit held back though (come on harry get it together). rita skeeter annoying harry and asking for a word and jk rowling LITERALLY writing "'yeah, you can have a word,' said harry savagely. 'good-bye'" like FUCK he is canon savage in this book!!!! DAMN!!!!! and then he reks malfoy AGAIN "you know that expression [your mother's got], like she's got dung under her nose? has she always looked like that, or was it just because you were with her?" MOTHERFUCK GO OFF 9/10

the order of the phoenix: HOLY GRAIL OF HARRY'S SASS™. THE MOTHERLOAD. GOD DAMN. when vernon asks him why he's listening to the news again and harry replies w/ "well, it changes every day, you see." when hermione's warning him about picking fights w/ malfoy bc malfoy will make life hard for him and harry's like "wow, i wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life" like fuck harry!!! tell us how u really feel!!!! literally ANY TIME he talks to an adult he doesn't like. sassing dudley left & right, putting him in his place w/ "this is night, diddykins. that's what we call it when it goes all dark like this" like fuck harry brought out the big guns w/ "diddykins". overall wonderful, truly. a good healthy teenage dose of sass. 100/10

the half blood prince: SHIT DO I EVEN NEED TO SAY ANYTHING EXCEPT "THERE'S NO NEED TO CALL ME SIR, PROFESSOR" LIKE FUCK. BEST PART OF THE WHOLE BOOK. OF THE WHOLE SERIES. FUCKING OWNED SNAPE HE'S FUCKIN REKT LYING ON THE FLOOR CRYING DRINKING SOME CHEAP ASS DISGUSTING ASS FIREWHISKEY. BREAKS THE GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING SCALE SO FAR OFF THE SCALE IT'S ON MARS. INFINITY/10. FUCK.

the deathly hallows: "it's time you learned some respect!" "it's time you earned it" sassing the minister of magic hooooooo boy. not much else bc harry's too busy like saving the world and shit. so extra points for multitasking and being an overall well rounded sass-er. 8/10

neighbourhoodgay

Tony Stark meeting Shuri for the first time goes a little like this in my mind??

Shuri not terrified, Shuri is brave and stubborn and knows she’s smarter than Tony. But she also knows that up until now Tony’s been under the impression that he’s the smartest and he’s the best. So she’s worried, not of him turning out to be smarter, but of him being insulted by her genius.

And they meet and Shuri show’s him her work and he stay’s ridiculously quiet through most of the ordeal, only asking questions here and there. Watching her work with the sand tables as she explains each item in her lab and Tony watches closely.

And then, she stops, cause she’s shown him everything and told him what everything is and she just looks at him and waits for the ‘this is child’s play’ comment and to have to defend herself against a man who doesn’t know shit.

And slowly Tony lifts up his sunglasses and his eyes are fucking shining and his grin is huge and he looks at her like she’s the best thing to touch planet earth and he just mutters, “I’ve never had to say this, but explain that again, and slower.”

lovelytonys

if the mcu has tony react to Shuri’s intellect in any way besides something along these lines, it would be out-of-character nonsense and I will personally rewrite it myself

ignitelimelight

Horrifying thought: Moist Von Lipwig must look like Tony Hawk. Nobody is as unrecognizable as Tony Hawk. All your internal images of Moist are wrong (of course they are, it's Moist Von Lipwig) but did you know how wrong

rotisseries

that being said I'm not actually always opposed to conflict free fluff I am just opposed to the characters having their claws filed down for it. you can stick them in a coffee shop au it should just still feel like you sat the two worst most insane people on earth in a starbucks

tlirsgender

Do you think it's like a rite of passage for every new generation of xmen to momentarily feel like it's kind of fucked up to be trying to kick the shit out of a senior citizen until magneto crumples someone into a cube like a trash compactor in front of them and they're just like Oh Ok

tlirsgender

On the one hand I'm sure everyone else is very heavily emphasizing that magneto is Theee big bad of all time and so on and so forth the whole time the new ones are training but also. Like. Imagine you're the new new new mutants or whatever and somebody manages to actually knock magneto over and he stays on the ground for a second and you're kind of looking at each other like. Guys isn't he *really* old what if we just killed magneto & then the entire city starts shaking while he's getting back on his feet & you're like ohhh he's just REALLY ANGRY now. Ok :) oh that's bad :/ oh shit. Uh oh

tlirsgender

[ID: tags from @transguyhawkeye that read, "#having a panic attack over whether you just broke magnetos hip meanwhile he just separated wolverine into recycling and organics for the #third time this week" /end ID]

steampunkforever

I would still use my turn signals in the Mad Max Wasteland. They'd call me "Signal" because I'd hit my blinker before ramming the enemy hot rods into the side of a desert ravine. I'd use my turn signal every time. They would respect me for this.

anxious-bisexual-0

UPON CLOSER INSPECTION

IT IS HIS MIDDLE AND RING FINGER HE DOESN’T USE

Kinda blurry but

HE USES HIS THUMB TO PULL THE DRESS UP AND POINTER FINGER TO MOVE THE HAIR

COLIN DID IN FACT SPIDER-MAN HER

THE RING. THE RIIIIIIIIIING.

( @dollypopup you inspired me to investigate…)

dollypopup

WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!

But I am also almost CERTAIN that he was going in with his thumb on her clit so maybe he's only half a gentleman ahahaha okay but seriously, wouldn't his ring be more askew if he was going Spiderman instead of Bunny Ears? Plus, he wouldn't be able to be in as deep, and from her reactions, he was going for gold.

I argue that his pinky was doing most of the work in pulling that dress up and he mostly just hooked his thumb on the underside (which makes sense because dresses were very hard to launder back in the day, we love a considerate king) and then he was okay with brushing her hair back with his index finger because she can more easily wash it.

I maintain that Colin Bridgerton went cum hither knuckles deep in Penelope with his first two fingers!!!!

anxious-bisexual-0

While I do agree that his thumb was definitely going at it, I have come to another conclusion. HE ONLY USED HIS MIDDLE FINGER.

Remember, Penelope is a virgin. Like extra virgin.

lol olive joke

After further consideration, would he really have been able to get two in the pink if this was her absolute first time?

If his middle finger goes in, like IIIIIIN, and he uses the heel of his palm on her clit and sometimes his thumb, woo boy that’s impressive

I’m just glad we agree that the middle finger was certainly “going for gold,” as you so eloquently stated.

dollypopup

My friend, you are so big brained. My immediate first thought is that I completely agree with you!!! Colin is too much of a considerate man to go spelunking in her secret passageway with two fingers, however, upon rewatching the scene, there are definitely two '*OH!*' moments from her, indicating that I believe he STARTED with his middle finger and then got assistance from another!

I argue the wingman was his index finger

Evidence 1:

Enough said

Evidence 2:

His index and middle finger are much closer in size and length than his index and ring finger. In proper cave diving, it is important for equipment to be consistent! His ring also maintains the same orientation pre-fingering as post-fingering, and with how heavy they were going at it

that thang would have been on backwards by the time he was done

However, you are so right-- he was using the heel of his palm to rub her off whilst he was (heavy) petting her from the inside out!!! Which is why he feels alright to adjust her dress with his thumb. He literally had her in the palm of his hand.

The two in the pink are his index and middle. Penelope is a woman who wants it all and he's giving it to her!

anxious-bisexual-0

My esteemed colleague, you have convinced me.

I believe this is when digit 2 went in. Cause he’s also absolutely entranced. Besotted. Going crazy at the fact that he is KNUCKLES DEEP in his best friend and he loves it.

While I think ol’ ringy DEFINITELY saw some action, middle finger did the most and pointer was the assist.

Luke Newton the man that you are, you fantastic actor you.

@dollypopup I truly appreciate this conversation, I applaud your debating skills, well done.

dollypopup

My soldier in arms, this has been a phenomenal conversation, and I believe you have fully clocked the exact moment digit 2 went in alongside his middle finger. Not only is she reacting to that double dip, but he'd definitely going 'here kitty kitty' about it and he's *reveling* in making her feel good. He certainly did oil his way right in. Luke Newton, the man you are.

Bravo.

It has been an honor discussing this with you and coming (ha) to a conclusion.

anxious-bisexual-0

With hopes to converse about other aspects, I bid you adieu, dear companion.

lovelybones81

I’m cackling 😂😂😂😂

acanoeandlifejackets

Colin: men are simple creatures, just bat your eyes and wave your fan.

Penelope: *bats her eyes and waves her fan*

Colin (sweating): Fuck she’s good.

yugiohz

DID MY YAOI STICKERS ARRIVE

yugiohz

it was my bachelor’s degree 😑

kunosoura

my number one woman behavior is saying i’m fine with any pronouns and silently ranking people in my regard based on what they do with that information