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come back home | johnny suh

Pairing: Johnny x female reader Word Count: 14k Genre: smut, angst, fluff Warnings: established relationship, language, a bit of aggression, oral (female receiver), gaslighting(?), physical aggression, mention of hunger, mentions of other members, taeyong love triangle, pregnancy, unplanned pregnancy

Summary: Your relationship with Johnny has been perfect for 2 years. He always made you feel loved and special. When with him, he always reminds you that you are the reason behind his success and happiness. Not until the media found out about your relationship and the Johnny you used to know started to change.

Disclaimer: The characters in the story are fictitious and do not reflect or resemble the idols mentioned in real life. It is not in the slightest way legit. Any resemblance to any actual life events and happenings is purely coincidence and is not intended.

AN: Okay pretty please do not expect too much because this story has been written years ago. I did try fixing this a little but I can only change much lol. Nevertheless, I still thank you everybody for waiting and I very much wish you like this!

“Johnny please calm down.” You pleaded, tears about to fall as you watched him pace around his dorm room. Johnny brushed his hair with his fingers, brows knitted and visibly pissed. You used to find it hot when Johnny did that, but now you're scared of what's about to happen.

“This is your fault.” He mumbled to himself, he knew you heard it loud and clear. One hand on his waist, the other gripping his hair. You couldn't believe what Johnny just said. You clenched your fist as you rested them on your chest and tears began to flow as you tried to convince yourself that he’s just mad, he didn't mean any of that.

“Johnny, please don't say tha-” Johnny threw his bedside lamp at the wall and it shattered making a huge noise. You had your back against the wall and Johnny is on the other side of the room. You cannot hide the fear you are feeling right now, shaking that he might not satisfy his anger and resort to hurting you.

Johnny wasn't like this. You've already been together for 2 years and he never– not even once, raised his voice at you, he never showed aggression. You used to think that he’s this giant and soft guy, or at least that's how you remembered him.

“I SAID THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!” He instinctively threw another object that his hand touched and made an even louder noise. You know the members outside could hear Johnny screaming and blaming you, but you didn't care because you're blaming yourself too.

2 Years Ago (Canada)

You weren't really the type of girl who goes out on a Friday night. You're not a total introvert, but you enjoy being alone. You have friends, but you don't have the type of friends you typically see in the movies that bond for life. You only have your parents, your brother Minho and that's good enough for you.

“Come on. Come with us. Halmeoni will look for you.” Minho is by your bed shaking the hell out of you trying to wake you up.

He pulled your arm to sit you up. “I don't want to go out. I'm too lazy.” You grumbled and purposely collapsed on him. He almost didn't catch you, but you didn't worry, you know your brother will never let you get hurt. You heard him giggle as he tried to sit you back up.

“Please y/n wash-up. When's the last time you bathe? You smell.” He laughed as he pokes your armpit. You immediately jolted up, scared to get tickled more.

“I showered last night, asshole.” You jokingly said as you stood up from bed and went straight to the bathroom.

You’re not really a fan of family gatherings. You don’t hate it, you just prefer not to be there. Family gatherings overwhelm you when your relatives start asking you questions like when will you have your first boyfriend, or have you been promoted in your work yet. And they would always recommend you to marry someone rich instead of finding love. Even though falling in love and imagining cliche things associated with love makes you cringe, you had always hoped to be with someone worthy of all the cringiness.

You're only planning to stay at your grandmother’s house until they cut the cake. You took some finger foods in a ziplock ready to leave the party and looked at your brother for help. Minho already knew what to do in situations like this. You did your part showing up here and now your brother will do his part of helping you sneak out.

He winked at you as a sign to stay prepared and then yelled. “Oh my god, who made this kimchi? It's bland!”

Everyone in the room looked at him. Grandma made that kimchi and no one dares to go against grandma’s kimchi. You wanted to stay and see what would happen to your poor brother but you took your chance and sneaked out. You ran to the bus stop and caught the bus right on time. You sent your brother a text that you’ll be back before guests start to leave.

You went to an old coffee shop in your town that you frequently go to. Only a few people come here in the middle of the day and right now it looks like you're the only one's going to be dining in, just like how you want it.

With a cup of cappuccino, you took out your notebook and started sketching imaginary creatures while listening to music. Just a little later you heard a noise of people coming into the store but you didn't even bother yourself to look up to see what’s all the commotion was about. You were so focused on your work that you didn't notice that there's a pair of eyes already looking at you.

Mark and Doyoung were ordering at the counter while the rest of NCT 127 sat at the table across from you. Taeil noticed that Johnny was staring at you intently.

“Pretty?” Taeil teasingly asked Johnny which made him blush. He tried looking away only to find himself staring at you again not a even a second later.

You're thinking of something to sketch, but you are having a hard time putting it in drawing. You pout your lips and scratch your temple with the pen you're holding. Johnny suddenly felt a rush of warm feeling inside his chest and he hasn't even touched his coffee yet. You’re cute, he thought. He felt his lips curving into a smile while looking at you. Out of impulse, Johnny took out his phone and secretly took a picture of you.

“Or you could just say hi.” Jaehyun said sarcastically which made everyone at the table laugh. Johnny didn't know that his members were watching him slowly developing a crush on you, it made him a little embarrassed but also proud.

The loud laughter in front of you finally caught your attention. You looked up, feeling a little nosy wanting to see what's funny but instead you caught a pair of beautiful brown eyes looking at you.

something sparked in you and Johnny felt that too. He didn't know how to react now that you know that he's staring at you, but he eventually managed to give you a smile. You timidly smiled back at him and nodded your head to greet him. You didn't even glance at the boys that’s with him, you only saw Johnny, his beautiful eyes, clear skin and smooth hair.

You looked back at your sketch the instant you realized that you're staring. You increased the volume of your phone trying to drown their chatters and to get your focus back on what you're doing, but you can't help to think that there's a handsome guy in front of you and he just freaking smiled at you.

Johnny couldn't take it any longer. He knew this could be the first and last time he's ever going to see you and thought he might at least give himself a chance to know the cute girl he saw at an old coffee shop. He stood up and walked to your way. The other members cheered him quietly while Mark was just laughing on his own.

He put down a plate of chocolate cake at your table. You looked up to see him smiling again, you immediately took off your earphones eager to hear what he's about to say.

“I hope you like chocolate cake.” The sound of his voice lingers in your ear, you can't help but smile and nod. You know he's flirting and you don't mind it, in fact, you like that he's flirting with you because you like him too.

“I do. Thank you.” You wished he didn't see you eating greasy finger foods that you took from your grandma's party. You slowly put back the bag of Ziploc into your bag. Johnny saw what you did and thought it's funny but didn't say a word.

“I see that you're alone. Do you mind me sitting with you?” You looked at him and looked behind him and saw 9 men watching the two of you talk. They all changed their gaze avoiding eye contact with you but they made it so obvious.

“Aren't you with your friends?”

“We're always together. I'm sure they would appreciate the favour that I'm not with them for once.” He said which made you laugh. Johnny could swore that he felt butterflies in his stomach when he heard you laugh. You asked him to sit with you thinking it’s probably not gonna hurt little company while you wait for your grandmother’s party to end.

The two of you talked like you've known each other for a long time. There is something about Johnny’s confidence that made him a little intimidating but also surprisingly comfortable. Johnny on the other hand feels like he’s himself again after a very long time.

Halfway through the conversation, he finally introduced himself as a member of a Kpop boy group. You didn't know that he’s an idol. You've heard about their group on one of The Late Night Show that your mom loves to watch, but you didn't really pay attention. Johnny saw that you were overwhelmed when he told you who he was and he visibly panicked as well.

He put his hand on top of yours trying to comfort you, which you found funny because Johnny looked like he needed the comfort more than you do. You assured him that you don't mind his profession and that your initial impression of him is what you liked more.

Johnny couldn’t believe he would find a gem in an old coffee shop in a city he’s only been in because of work. He asked for your number and offered you a ride home in their trip bus. Johnny eventually needed to go back to Korea after two days. He made sure to take you out on a date for those two days and that's more than enough memories of him for you.

He called you day and night as much as he could. You're always on facetime with him that it almost feels like you're with him all the time. He cherishes his special connection with you even though both of you were uncertain of what kind of relationship you share. Is it just friendship? Or is there more to it?

Johnny was scared to ask you to be his girlfriend over the phone. He knows you deserve more than that, so 3 months later he decided to visit you.

You had a bad day at work and was surprised to see Johnny waiting for you outside. He was leaning on a car he rented, wearing a brown sweatshirt and denim jeans emphasizing the length of his limbs. He looked exhausted, but still handsome as ever, smiling from ear to ear.

Johnny’s plan was to check in a hotel first and freshen up, but after he got his rented car he found himself driving to you with suitcases in his trunk. He brought you to the same old coffee shop you both love and wasted no time asking you to be his girlfriend. Just like that, over two cups of americano, you will go home with Johnny as your boyfriend.

He can only stay in Canada for 2 weeks. Your family loved him dearly and invited him to stay at your house instead of going back to a hotel every night after spending the whole day at your house.

Two weeks felt like two years. Hugs and kisses, laughter that you can hear throughout your house, his cologne lingers on your hair, Johnny is everywhere in your home and you love it. You have never been happier, you didn't expect to find love when you're not even looking.

You were watching Minho and Johnny play basketball in the backyard when your dad stood beside you.

“You're happy.” It wasn't a question, it’s a statement. You looked in his direction and you saw him watching your brother and your boyfriend play with a hint of smile on his face.

“Your mom and I worry about you because you never showed interest in other people. Remember when your mom asked you why you never go out with your friends and colleagues? You simply told her that we were your friends. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful that you grew up to be such a loving and wonderful daughter- but your mom and I are worried that when it’s time for us to kick the bucket and when your brother decides to have his own family...” He sighed and met your eyes with a set of tears. “We’re afraid that you will be lonely. It would hurt me to leave my daughter all alone.”

Hearing what your father said brought tears to your eyes but you tried so hard to hide it. You hugged him and stared at the sky. “You don't have to worry about me dad. You know I'm okay alone.”

“Y/n, alone is okay. Loneliness isn't.” He looked back to the boys playing. He didn’t say anything and just smoothed out your hair and sweetly carresed your back. “Johnny asked our permission to bring you back to Korea with him.”

You looked in your father’s direction so fast it could snap your neck. “He did what? I didn't know anything about that, I swear!” you protested.

“It's okay, we're not mad. When I was your age your mom and I were set to get married.” He laughed. “You're old enough to leave the nest, but we told him that the decision is still up to you. This is your life y/n and we want you to make the most of it, make mistakes, try new things. Remember we’ll always, always support you no matter what. I just need you to know how much we love you.”

You didn't notice that you're already crying hard. You hugged your dad tightly and he returned it to you. You’re happy that you’re going to start a new chapter in your life with Johnny, but at the same time you can’t help but feel bad that you’re leaving your people behind. Your dad assured you that they will be alright in Canada and they will always be one phone call away.

“Just try to refrain from doing anything illegal. Okay? It will be hard to support you behind bars.” You and your dad could only laugh.

You looked at Johnny and saw him looking at you too, trying to read the situation you're having with your father. You smiled at him, tears of happiness still evident in your eyes. That gave Johnny a sense of confirmation. He smiled back at you and gave you a wink.

Korea

You and Johnny decided to rent an apartment big enough for the two of you. You sent a request to your firm to transfer you to their branch in Korea, and luckily there is an opening there with better pay and benefits.

Everything is going well according to plan- if not better- however you cannot deny that your first couple of months were a little hard for you. but you managed to get by with Johnny’s help.

Your once empty apartment started to fill up with memories. Pictures of you and Johnny are hanging on the walls, there are also pictures of Johnny’s group members with you. For the first time you finally have friends you can depend on, who can listen to you and not judge you, friends that you know will never leave your side.

Two years later

Your relationship with Johnny is what they call smooth sailing. You were very understanding of how demanding his job is and he’s thankful for that. You take care of him as much as he takes care of you. Your love for one another never wavered, but just like any other relationship, yours isn't perfect.

You always wanted to go out on a date. Dates like you used to have when you're in Canada with him. You know that your relationship is secret, but you can’t help to get jealous when you see your workmates going out on a date or when they upload a picture of them with their husbands and boyfriends.

Just like any other girl, you want that and crave for that too. You’re so proud of him that your heart physically aches when you can't do anything about it. You want to brag about him to the world and you want to show everyone that he’s in love with you, but you can't. You’re not allowed to. Not when his contract specifically said that he can't be seen dating. You might be just like any other girl but your boyfriend isn’t just like any other guy, he’s Johnny Suh.

“I just want a date babe. A dinner date is all I ask of you.” You were sitting on the couch, quietly crying while he’s kneeling in front of you cupping your face.

“You’re making it sound so easy y/n. I'm sorry, but you know that we can't be seen dating in public. We already talked about this. I am crazy in love with you, you have me. Isn't that enough for now?”

Johnny’s heart is breaking into pieces when he sees you like this. He hates it when he can't give you what you want. He hates it when he can't even take you out on a simple date. Yes, he had a dinner date with you before at your dining room, but never outside the four walls of your apartment.

If you only knew how much he wanted to show you off but his career is just as important to him. He trained and waited 9 years to debut as an idol and NCT is just starting to get popular worldwide. He can't jeopardize the success of his whole group to go out on a date with you.

“I'm sorry too if I'm being unreasonable. It's been two years since we last went out, I guess I just miss it.” Now that you're hearing yourself, you just sounded so stupid. How can you be this selfish and ask him something you know he can't do?

He pulled you closer and hugged you tight. “No babe. I'm sorry. Wait for a little more okay? I'll take you on the best date the world has ever seen, you just have to be a little more patient with me.”

“I guess I can wait a little longer.” He looked at you and you smiled at him.

He pecked your lips and looked you in the eye. “I love you so much y/n.” He kissed you slowly. A very passionate kiss that Johnny always gives you. It's almost as if he’s talking instead of kissing. You felt his love for you, and how much he’s sorry for not giving you what you wanted.

**

You kissed him back, but this time the kisses went deeper making it obvious that you’re asking for more. You put your arms around his neck as you lay down on the couch without breaking the kiss. His hand is supporting your back and the other is gripping your thigh slowly spreading it so he can position himself on top of you.

He pressed his body to you as you two continued to kiss. You can feel his crotch getting hard. You break away from the kiss.

“Really? We're just kissing and you're hard already?” You teased him. He didn't say anything, he just smirked at you and pressed his crotch to you even more. You can feel his hard member on your clothed pussy, longing for you. Johnny on the other hand can feel your body starting to heat. You bit your lip and instantly, Johnny knew you're getting aroused.

He carried you to your shared bedroom and carefully laid you down on the bed. He took off your shirt and started kissing your chest. He purposely avoided your hardened nipples and it's making you crazy.

“Please..” you pleaded. Johnny smirked, he loves it when you plead.

He stopped kissing your chest. He cupped your breast and looked into your eyes as he slowly licked your nipple. You couldn't help but moan louder when he softly bit it. He switched kissing and licking you from one boob to another while his other hand is taking off your shorts and underwear.

He got up from the bed and looked at you completely naked in front of him while he’s still wearing his pants and hoodie. You were about to cover yourself when he pinned both of your wrists on the sides of your head.

“Are you shy?” He asked you. You blushed so hard, but you didn't look away from his stare.

He pecked your lips and got up again to admire your naked body, you didn’t move and just let him look at your nakedness. He loves every inch of your body, even the imperfections you are insecure about looks so perfect to him.

He put his index finger on your lips and slowly traced your body downward. His touch makes you even crazier. You closed your eyes and gripped the sheets around you as you anticipated his touch down there, but he stopped before he could even reach your pussy. He smirked at the sight of you aroused.

While your eyes still closed. He lowered himself down to your pussy and licked it without touching it. You arched your back as you felt his warm tongue touch your clit. He licked you like there's no tomorrow while two of his fingers are going in and out of your hole.

“Oh my god Johnny” you moaned his name as you feel getting closer to your climax. Johnny did his best as you reached your high.

He quickly took off his clothes and his boxer. Johnny is big, and for someone dating him for two years you’re always still in shock whenever you see his member hard and ready for you. You never craved for him more than ever.

He went to his bedside drawer and pulled out a condom. He was about to open it when you stopped him.

“Can we do it raw tonight baby? Please?” You asked him oh so sweetly.

Johnny wasn't sure if it was a good idea. You rarely have raw sex that it's almost never, but he can't turn you down again twice in one night. You know that Johnny is having a hard time deciding. “Don't worry babe. I'll take Plan B tomorrow morning.” You assured him.

He smiled at you as an agreement and kissed you on your lips as he slowly thrust himself inside you. Just when you thought that's all he has, Johnny pushes more of him in you. You felt so full with Johnny inside of you.

You can never get used to his big dick, no matter how many times you’ve tasted it. Every time feels like your first time. It doesn't hurt, but you can feel the good stretch his dick has been giving you and it's very addicting.

You glanced at him, his head looking down at you, eyes filled both with lust and love.

The feeling of your raw pussy is something Johnny cannot explain. The moment he puts all of himself inside you, he can already feel like he’s about to cum.

Johnny is going crazy about how tight you are and how you clench and unclench yourself around his dick. His thrusts are slow but balls deep, careful not to finish yet. Johnny keeps on whispering in your ear how much he loves you, how good you feel and how much he finds you beautiful.

Tonight isn't just sex. Tonight you are making love. All you can hear is soft pounding and soft moans from you and Johnny.

You can feel you’re getting closer to reach your high, you moan his name louder as you beg for more. Your moans aroused him even more, his thrusts began to pace up and he’s fucking you harder.

“Fuck baby you feel so good.” He whispered to your ear. Johnny is groaning to the sound of your wet pussy getting hammered by him.

“Cum in me baby.” You whispered back. Johnny is losing his mind, he’s having the best sex with you and didn't get to process what you just said.

He came inside you and you also finished just in time. You felt his warm cum blurted inside of you, it felt so good you screamed his name once more. Although both of you already came, Johnny didn’t immediately stop thrusting his dick in you, but he gradually slowed down. You're already shaking under him when he decides to stop and pull out. You love every second of it.

He kissed your neck then your lips. With weak knees, Johnny managed to get a warm damp towel to wipe you clean. He pulled the cover over you and he laid down beside you both still naked.

“I love you so much Johnny.” You hugged him and you instantly fell asleep on his chest with a smile on your face.

“I love you most baby.” He whispered and kissed your forehead.

**

The next morning feels different. It feels like you just got married and you're now on your honeymoon with Johnny. The sun softly hit your eyes. You wake with a smile on your face remembering the amazing night with Johnny. You looked on your side and saw the bed empty. You took your robe on and went to the kitchen, there you saw Johnny cooking breakfast you smiled at the sight in front of you.

Johnny heard the bedroom door open and looked your way. He smiled as soon as he saw you walking towards him. Sometimes he can't help but wonder how lucky he is to have you. Just looking at you in the morning makes him so happy, you are indeed the best thing that ever happened to him.

“Hi, babe. Good morning.” You greeted him while you hugged him from behind and softly placed a kiss on his back. “You look handsome.” He’s wearing an oversized purple hoodie and purple sweatpants. He looked so handsome even when wearing the simplest clothes.

You were seated at the table ashe put a plate of toast, eggs and bacon in front of you and another serving for him. Both of you ate quietly, hearts full of joy. The silence isn't deafening but rather enjoyable.

“Babe. I have a surprise for you.” Johnny said as you finished your freshly squeezed orange juice. You can hear the excitement in his voice and you can't help but feel excited as well.

“What is it? Please,not another piece of jewelry. You know how I feel about them.” You jokingly said. He laughed and shook his head.

He took both of your hands and held them tight. For a moment you thought he was going to propose.

“Dinner reservation tonight at 9 PM. Capital Grille.”

Your eyes went huge and you covered your gaping mouth with both of your hands. Johnny was over the moon seeing your reaction. You wondered what happened that changed his mind, but you’re thankful for it.

What happened is, Johnny woke up this morning full of love. He looked at you sleeping beside him and just thought that you deserve all the best things this world has to offer. He got up and went out to the balcony and made a bunch of calls to make this long awaited date happen. He spent his morning on call from picking restaurants to songs to be played on your date.

You were so excited you jumped around the room. Johnny stood up from his seat and tried to calm you down, but instead, you jumped into his arms and hugged him so tight. Tears are starting to form in your eyes, but this time it's not from disappointment.

“Thank you, Johnny. You made me so happy.” You whispered as you buried your face on his neck. Johnny closed his eyes tightly, smiling from ear to ear, hugging you back.

“Then I'm happy too.”

You break away from the hug. Everything sank in and you started to panic. You don't have anything to wear. Your hair is extremely dry and your natural hair colour is now appearing on your roots. Your skin is dehydrated and almost ashy.

“Baby I have to leave. I'm going to prepare for tonight.” You said as you ran to your shared bedroom, changed clothes and kissed Johnny goodbye before he could even get a word in. He can only smile and shake his head as he was left all alone in the kitchen.

You and Johnny decided to meet at the restaurant instead of going together. It is safer that way so no one would see you both coming in.

Johnny is nervously holding a huge 24 pink tulip bouquet arrangement standing beside the table he reserved for that evening. In fact, Johnny reserved the whole restaurant just for the two of you. He was so excited about your date he came an hour early. You're also ready by 8 pm but you wanted to come in late for suspense.

You are wearing a tight white dress that hugs your body showing your beautiful curves. You dyed your hair to your natural colour and trimmed it just above your shoulders exposing your collarbones. You had your makeup done and they've done it so beautifully it looked so natural.

You walked into the restaurant and Johnny’s heart beats faster as he heard someone come in. You walked in slowly and you saw Johnny in the middle of an empty restaurant beside a single table holding a gorgeous bouquet. Your heart feels like it's going to explode.

Like you he made changes with his look, Johnny had an undercut and he brushed back his hair. He’s wearing a white button-down shirt and navy pants. You can't describe what you're feeling, all you know is you're so in love with the man standing in front of you.

Johnny gasped when he saw you. For a moment he forgot how to breathe. You're so beautiful he can't believe that you are real.

“y/n, you're breathtaking.” Johnny greeted you and kissed you on your cheek. With that simple gesture, he made you feel extremely beautiful.

The whole night was just perfect. It feels like the first time seeing each other. He loves what you did to your hair so much he couldn't stop talking about it. The two of you talked as if you never saw each other for years. As the night soon to end, Johnny handed you an envelope, you looked at it confused.

“You asked me not to give you jewelry anymore, but I still want to give you something.”

You gasped. “Is it money?” You joked.

He threw his head back and laughed. “You wish.”

You carefully opened the envelope and peeked inside. It's a handwritten letter from Johnny.

He remembered that you have never received a love letter before, so he decided to be the first to write you one.

My love,

I have never written a love letter before so you have to bear with me throughout the whole thing.

To say that I love you is an understatement. If there is something greater than love, then that is what I feel for you. You are the most perfect person I have ever met in my life. Every night I pray that you're not just a perfect dream, but if ever that's the case, then I pray that I will never wake up from it. I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I'm thankful that I’m the one you’ve chosen to love.

Your love made me realize things. You taught me to see colours in my black and white world. You helped me grow and you helped me reach the success that I have now. I am glad that after a long day of being an idol I can come home to you and just be me. John. The John that you love. With you, I feel like I can do anything, and I thank you for that. Thank you for guiding me and supporting me.

The person I am today is because of you.

I love you with all my heart and all I am.

You are my everything.

Your love,

Johnny

Your eyes are pooling with tears as you read his letter. His words swelled your heart with love. It's simple but straightforward. You looked at Johnny and he’s crying too, he took your hand and kissed the back of your palm.

“I love you so, so much.” He whispered under his breath. It's so faint and sincere you almost didn't hear it.

The night ended and you went home together. You were supposed to go home separately but you don't want to end your night like that, especially when you're going home to the same place. Johnny did not insist on going separately as he didn't want to start an argument and spoil the night. He thought it must be safe now that it's already past midnight.

The drive home is very quiet, both of you could hear your smiles, unable to hide your happiness. Johnny’s one hand is on the wheel and the other is holding your hand by his lips, kissing and sniffing it now and then.

The moment you and Johnny got home, he undressed you and then himself immediately while kissing you intensely. Both of you walked naked across your apartment as he leads you to the shower and had a steamy sex before continuing your business to bed. It was yet again the best night of your life.

It's almost 1 PM when you wake up with Johnny’s side of the bed empty. You smiled at the thought of him making you brunch just like yesterday. You jumped out of the bed, wore your robe and went outside. You looked at the kitchen and it was empty, you went to the balcony but Johnny wasn't there either. The bathrooms are empty. It's Sunday, he usually doesn't have a schedule on Sundays.

You went back to your bedroom and took your phone from the bedside table. You scanned through it hoping to see a text from Johnny but there's nothing. He's not like this, he never leaves without telling you or leaving a note.

You dialled his number, it only rang once and went to voicemail. You didn't try calling him again thinking he might be busy so you left him a message instead.

Hi babe. I woke up without you here. Is it work? Text back, please. I love you!

An hour passed and he still hasn't called you yet. You decided to call their manager but it went to voicemail as well, so you ended up calling Taeyong and fortunately he answered only after a few rings.

“Y/n? Hi!” He greeted.

“Hi, Tyong. I hope I'm not bothering you.” You thought he might be busy as well since he and Johnny are in the group and share almost the same workload.

“No, not at all. How are you?” He doesn't sound so busy, so why is Johnny not answering your calls?

“Not much Tyong, I’m just wondering if you know where Johnny is? He’s not here when I woke up and he’s not answering any of my calls and texts. It’s not very like him to leave home without writing me a note or at least sending me a text.”

Taeyong did not answer for a couple of seconds. It's almost like he’s thinking about what to answer next. “All I know is he was called at the office with manager Hyung.”

You were very relieved that he's somewhere safe, the tightness of your chest started to loosen up. “Oh thank you! For a moment I thought he's somewhere out there laying on the road.” You joked.

Taeyong forcefully laughed but you didn't notice it. “Glad to help. Uhm, hey y/n, it was nice hearing from you but I have to go.” He ended the call before you could even say goodbye.

All-day you waited for Johnny to come home. You ate the leftover lunch from yesterday and wondered if Johnny had breakfast before leaving. You ended up watching movies to kill time when you drift to sleep.

Johnny came home almost midnight. He’s at the agency's office for almost 12 hours. His head is aching and his stomach is growling. He saw you sleeping on the couch as he made his way to the kitchen to see what you cooked for dinner but there's nothing. He then saw the sink and there's a dirty plate from the lunch you ate. He couldn't help getting pissed when the thought of you staying all day at home and you did literally nothing but lay down.

He decided to toast a couple of slices of bread and eat it with Nutella and warm milk to ease his hunger. After he ate, he left his plate in the sink and didn't bother with the dishes that are mostly used by you.

He glanced at you sleeping so cozy on the couch. He didn't know why he's feeling so mad at you right now that he couldn't even look at you. He decided to let you sleep there as he slept alone on the bed for the first time since both of you started dating.

It was 7 am when you woke up the next morning and to your surprise, you're still alone. You checked your phone and you saw a message from him saying he left early and he's already at work. You're hurt. He came home last night and he didn't wake you up? A lot of different scenarios run through your head, but you shrug them all off as you prepare for work.

All day and you can’t get Johnny out of your head. You sent him texts in between your work, but he never texts you back even though it says that he’s already seen your messages. You thought he might just be having a bad day and he will talk to you about it tonight when you get home.

You came home thinking that Johnny is already there waiting for you, but you came back to it just like how you left it. No signs of Johnny anywhere, he hasn’t been home yet. You made ramen for yourself and cleaned up the stacks of unwashed dishes. You prepared Johnny stir-fried rice and bulgogi. You waited for him by the table, but he never came home. It’s past 1am and he still hasn't answered any of your calls and texts.

This is the first time that Johnny didn't talk to you for a whole day. You aren't stupid nor numb, you know he is avoiding you and you have no idea why. Yet you still gave him the benefit of the doubt. That night, you slept alone on your cold bed after two years of sleeping in Johnny’s warm embrace- praying that he’s just busy and you're not slowly losing him.

Johnny on the other hand is trying to keep himself busy, taking all the work he can get so he can get you off of his head. He worked harder than everyone, tripling his practice time to stay late at work. He knows you're waiting at home, he knows you're probably wondering but he's shrugging it off. He’s reading your texts and purposely leaving themn on read so you’d know that he doesn’t want to talk to you. You could sleep on your own, he coldly thought.

The members and staff are starting to wonder about Johnny’s sudden change of behaviour. He’s been quiet and grumpy when someone approaches him. He doesn't like to be joked at or with which is very unlikely because that’s his unofficial role in the group. They wanted to know what’s wrong, but nobody dared to ask.

Everybody, including you, find this Johnny very unfamiliar… except for Taeyong.

Taeyong was with Johnny the day after your date. He was waiting outside the room where Johnny was, waiting his turn to be called in.

Johnny was summoned by the higher ups of the agency that day after your date with him. They found out about the little date the two of you had and Johnny is receiving the bad end of it. The company has been scolding him for jeopardizing his group’s success and for forgetting the contract he signed when joining the company. Johnny could only silently listen and absorb everything they’ve been telling and calling him.

The meeting was not really supposed to take 12 hours, but when the company suggested that Johnny should end his relationship with you, that’s when he started to talk back. He fought for you. “The date only took a couple of hours and it was just that one time!” Johnny explained.

“May I remind you that the contract you signed specifically stated that you cannot be seen dating in public! It was never stated that you can do it once and can get away with it!”

“But nobody saw us! We were careful! This wouldn’t be a problem if none of you are making it a problem!” He stood up from his seat slamming his hand on the desk, leaning towards the people in the front of him.

“Johnny calm down.” Taeyong said as he tried to pull Johnny back to his seat. Johnny was visibly frustrated; he didn’t even notice that he’s already standing and raising his voice to his boss.

“If you think you’re being slick and no one saw you, how do you think we know what you did last night?” His boss answered him coldly. Johnny could only sigh. There’s a lot of things he wanted to say, but he refrained from saying them.

“I will not break up with her. You will not decide for the relationship we have and that’s final.”

The bosses could only look at each other and took their time to talk about what kind of consequences they should give Johnny. They doubt that Johnny wouldn’t do anything like this again, so instead of requiring him to break up with you they demanded Johnny to move back to dorms with his other members, but he insisted on staying with you.

Johnny tries to say no, but their decisions are final and he has to meet them halfway. His career is on the line, the company is holding his solo debut at his head. He lost the trust of his company and earning it back would take hard work. Johnny felt like he’s back to square one, he felt like he’s back to where he was 10 years ago.

He pleaded that he would move out gradually because he can’t just leave you all of a sudden when he’s all you have in Korea. He couldn’t think ways of how or in what way he would tell you that he’s in deep shit right now and hope that you accept this news lightly.

Taeyong guessed that Johnny never figured out how to tell you that he asked you to leave your life in Canada to move in with him in a country you know nothing about, just so he could leave you all alone in a home both of you built.

As much as Taeyong pity his friend, he feels sorry for you the most. He can see you struggling to find light in the dark where Johnny has left you, you had no idea what was happening, but he’s not in the right position to tell you what he knows.

In the end, Johnny never had the heart to tell you what the company has been pressuring him to do. He just stopped coming home and keeps on avoiding your texts and calls hoping that you will get tired soon and will eventually stop chasing after him. Johnny did his best to distance himself from you.

Everyday is a struggle for him to the extent that he is now clouded with nothing but anger. He’s not realizing what he was doing and just started picking the easier but wrong decisions in everything. He bottled all to himself thinking that he was saving you from all the pain he’s going through.

But he’s wrong. He didn’t make it easier, he didn’t save you from any pain. You’re not doing any better. You’re hurting and he’s the reason why. You have no idea why Johnny suddenly kept his distance from you. He never told you why he was never home anymore. You lost all the reasons to justify what he’s doing to you, all you’re left with are questions.

Two years in a relationship and one day he decided to disappear all of a sudden. You don’t even know if you’re still together with him. Why is this happening?

His clothes are still hanging on the left side of the closet, but it hasn't been touched for over a week now. Everyday you wake up, go to work, go home and wait for him to come back. The days are longer and the nights are colder. You’re like a dead person walking. You never reached Johnny on his own phone so you feed yourself information about him through his members, mostly from Taeyong.

Taeyong informed you that Johnny needed to stay at the dorm temporarily because their upcoming album has been demanding most of their time. Of course it’s a lie. A lie that Taeyong chose to tell you so you could at least get a wink of sleep tonight and stop waiting for Johnny to come home.

Taeyong cannot tell you that Johnny has been telling everybody that he's broken up with you and now living a separate life from you while you're at home alone, sitting in your room waiting for Johnny to embrace you to sleep.

“You've had comeback preparations before, but he never left home. Can't he just stay here?” You asked Taeyong, voice shaking, tears threatening to fall.

Taeyong on the other line is gripping his phone so hard it feels like he could actually crush it. You have been very special to him since he laid eyes on you in that old coffee shop, but he never really paid attention to it, he never allowed himself to catch feelings for you because you’ve been off limits from the very start.

“I wish I could answer that for you. I am sorry, I really am. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

It’s hard for him to comfort you and keep his distance at the same time. Johnny asked him not to talk to you anymore but Taeyong simply couldn’t do that even when it feels like he’s betraying his friend.

Your sobs are getting louder, “Is-is he there? Can I talk to him please?”

Taeyong looked at Johnny, who seemed to be watching a movie in the living room. He turned his back and closed his eyes tightly. He had to lie again. The sound of your desperate voice breaks Taeyong’s heart into pieces. If only he could wrap his arms around you to keep you safe, he would.

“He’s not here right now y/n.” Taeyong bit his lip tightly when he heard you sobbed again on the other line. “I’m so sorry.” is all he could say.

“I understand, don’t apologize. It’s not your fault. Thank you Tyong for staying with me. I’m hanging up now, I could use some sleep.” You said and ended the call.

Before you sleep, you send Johnny another text.

Babe, please. I just need to talk to you. Don’t do this to me. I love you.

Johnny saw your text and he could feel that you’re crying again. Before, the thought of you crying breaks Johnny’s heart but now all he can feel is anger. Why are you crying again? Can’t you do anything better than cry?

Every night you cry yourself to sleep. Hugging Johnny’s pillow that still smelled like him. You didn't know when it went downhill. Was it something you did? Was he not interested in you anymore? He could've just broken up with you, why did he have to just ignore you?

You're so weak and couldn't get out of bed anymore that you have to ask for sick leave at your job. You're barely eating, but you didn't notice your hunger or maybe you just don't care.

For three weeks Johnny acted as if you didn't exist. You don't even know what's the situation of your relationship, is he even still your boyfriend? You’d rather be cheated on than to be treated like this. It's painful to not know what went wrong. Is it you or him? Is there a reason why or was he just fooling around with you all these years. Not knowing hurts, not knowing drives you crazy.

It’s been a month. A month of waiting for Johnny. A month has passed since you stopped caring about the world outside your bedroom. Your job has been calling you to get back to work but you never answered them. You can’t remember when’s the last time you ate, nor seen the outside of your apartment.

The curtains help dim your room during the day, and the darkness comforts you at night.

It has been a month since you last talked to your family in Canada, you've been giving them excuses why they couldn't get ahold of you. They knew something’s not right, but they didn't force you to talk, they comfort you instead. You don’t want them to know that Johnny has been treating you like shit, you don’t want your family to see him in any other way other than the Johnny they love.

Your brother Minho assured you that he will be on the next flight to Korea if you ever need him with you. You wanted to tell them so badly but you're still hoping to fix everything with Johnny. A little more time is what you give yourself. A little more time to hope.

It's 5 p.m. and you're still laying on your bed, eyes red and swollen from crying after you lied to your parents for the hundredth time. You reached for your water at the bedside table, but it was empty. You sighed and stood up slowly to fill it up but your head started spinning.

You knew this wasn't good and immediately dialled anyone in your phonebook hoping they would answer before you pass out because your vision is starting to get blurry.

“Hello y/n?” Someone answered.

“P-please help me. Send m-me help.” is the last thing you said.

You heard the other person calling out your name but you already lost consciousness and dropped on the floor.

You woke up somewhere unfamiliar. You're hearing monitors and people chattering. The first thing your eyes looked for is Johnny, but he's not there. You looked to your side and you saw Taeyong on his phone sitting in a chair beside you.

“Y/n you're awake.” He noticed your head moving and jumped up from his seat. “How are you feeling? Do you remember what happened?” You remembered, but you didn't have the energy to answer. “You called me for help before you blacked out. I was so worried for you I almost destroyed your front door if it wasn't for the maintenance guy who heard me screaming for help.”

Taeyong tends to get talkative when flustered and he was obviously affected by what happened to you. He was in the middle of recording when he received your call and had to drop everything he’s doing to help you. He almost crashed his car multiple times driving to your place, his mind was all over the place hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

“Wait for me a second. Let me call someone.” He rushed outside the room. He came back with a doctor and a nurse. The nurse went straight to your side to check your heartbeat, breathing and the drips of your fluids.

“Miss Choi y/n, how are you feeling?” The doctor asked you, sounding a little optimistic.

You didn't answer, you just looked at her.

“You were brought here to the hospital because you fainted. We did some tests to find out what caused that and we found out that there’s a sudden drop of nutrients in your body due to extreme hunger and you’re also slightly dehydrated. Do you know when's the last time you ate?” You looked away and kept quiet. You didn't answer not because you don't want to, you didn't answer because you don't know what to answer. “Miss Choi?” She repeated.

“I have no idea. Maybe yesterday? Maybe 3 days ago. I don't know, I'm sorry.”

You haven't been eating, Taeyong thought. He felt a rush of guilt, he thought of all the times he ate while you're at home starving yourself. He knows none of this was your fault, but he’s so disappointed at you right now. Why are you apologizing? Why are you apologizing when the person should be apologizing to you is busy kissing his boss’s ass.

“Miss Choi, I don't know what you're going through but you have to take good care of yourself because I have one more piece of news for you and I need you to be very brave, okay?”

You listened but you avoided eye contact. What else could she tell you that would hurt you more than you’re hurting right now?

“We also found out that you are in your first trimester of pregnancy and based on the size of your baby we were able to know that you are currently 4 weeks pregnant.”

You immediately looked at your doctor to see if she was playing with you, but no. The air in the room is serious.

You remember the night before your date with Johnny. You had unprotected sex that night and you were supposed to take a morning pill the next day, but you was so occupied with Johnny’s surprise that you forgot to take the pill.

You're pregnant, alone, and scared. You're pregnant and Johnny’s nowhere to be found. You're so stupid for forgetting to take that damn pill. What will happen to you now? You can barely take care of yourself, you most likely don't have a job anymore for all the leave without absence you took and you have no one in Korea.

Taeyong noticed the rush of emotions in your eyes. He didn’t know why he did what he did but he quickly held on to your hand tightly. You didn't look at him, but you accepted his hand and squeezed it so hard.

“It's less likely that the pregnancy caused you to faint. We checked the baby’s health, it's on the right track and healthy. Even with that news, I still advise you to take extra precautions. If you can avoid stress, avoid it. And there will be little changes in your diet to keep you and the baby healthy.”

None of what she’s saying makes sense anymore. All you know is you're pregnant and you don't know what to do. You don't even know if Johnny still wanted you. Your body went cold and numb, you wanted to cry but you were so tired you physically can't cry anymore.

You stayed at the hospital for another hour to finish the bag of drip they administered you. Taeyong never left your side. He let you hold his hand, no words were said. He sat beside your bed holding your hand and the other was brushing your hair with his fingers. The two of you stayed like this until the nurse cleared you for discharge.

Taeyong is now driving you back home. He stopped himself from asking you questions that might overwhelm you more, he let you be with your thoughts as he didn't have the right words to say so he remained quiet.

When he found out you're pregnant with Johnny, he thought it would be easier for him to deny that he likes you but to his surprise the news didn't change his feelings for you. In fact, he somehow feels more connected and responsible for you and your baby now.

You’re looking at the trees passing when you start sobbing. You’re feeling suffocated. The news that you're pregnant hasn't sinked in yet. Taeyong glanced at your direction and immediately pulled over in an empty park near Han River.He opened the locks of the door and you quickly ran out of his car, sat down on the grass and cried. You cried your heart out and questioned everything. Is this a punishment for something you did wrong? Isn't this a little too much? Why is this happening to you?

The night breeze is cold. Taeyong took off his jacket and placed it on your shoulder. You caught his hand on your shoulder and pulled him closer to you begging for support. Taeyong was caught off guard but he wrapped his arms around you tightly and just let you cry on his shoulder until you calmed down.

For what seems to be a long time you once again found solace in the arms of a friend.

When you arrived home, you invited Taeyong to come in. You thought it’s the least you can do for all the trouble you have caused him today. You made him a cup of coffee and sat across the table. “I'm sorry if I took too much of your time.” You broke the silence fidgeting with your fingers.

Taeyong’s drinking a cup of coffee from Johnny’s mug. You can't help but feel sad again.

“No, don't say sorry. I wasn't doing anything anyway.” He lied. It's not his intention to lie to you, but you've been beating yourself up quite frequently and he doesn't want to add up to your guilt.

“Di-did you tell Johnny?”

“I didn't. I feel like it's not my place to tell anyone, even Johnny.” His jaw clenched as he thinks of what he's about to say. “I know how often you call him and how he purposely ignores them.”

Your heart broke into pieces. You know he ignores you, but to confirm it from Taeyong shattered you.

You don’t want to cry anymore but tears rolled down your cheeks. You wiped them immediately, but more started to pour. No matter how hard you try to prevent yourself from crying, you just can't stop the tears from flowing. Sometimes it’s surprising how much tears you can cry.

The silence is what you need, you don’t want pity, you just need someone to be there for you. You cried quietly, but this time you have someone to cry to, someone who understands you and a friend to console you.

Taeyong wanted to stay over the night and sleep on the couch to look after you but you politely declined. You've caused him too much trouble for a lifetime, you couldn't ask him for more. It’s almost 2am when Taeyong left your apartment and you found yourself alone in your house once again.

You decided it’s time to ask for a lifeline, it’s time to ask for help. No more pretending that everything’s going to be okay. You are weak and you need support. You took your phone out and turned on facetime.

Talking to your parents about the pregnancy is another thing to think of. After a month you finally contacted your family in Canada. You know you will disappoint them greatly but the only help you need most are theirs and the first person you thought of is your mom. Your best friend.

“Y/n? I missed you so much! You haven't been online lately. How are you?” The sound of her voice already brings you comfort. The fear and worry you're feeling disappeared.

“I'm not okay mom.” You bit your lip as you admitted. You know you're not okay but when you heard yourself say that, you felt sorry for yourself.

“What's wrong hun?” She asked you. Worry can be heard in her voice. You also heard your dad and your brother behind asking the same question.

“Is dad and Minho there? Can you put me on speakerphone please?”

“You're already on speakerphone baby. What's the matter?” Your dad spoke. You closed your eyes as you heard your father’s voice. How much you miss him hits you so hard.

“Mom, dad. I'm so, so sorry.” You let out a deep sigh and your tears came with it. You’re scared but you know you don’t have to. “Johnny hasn't been home for a month now and.. and I just found out that I'm.. I'm pregnant.”

There was a moment of silence in the other line. You were so nervous about what they were about to say. Are they going to disown you? Do they hate you? You hoped they’ll scream at you and call you a disgrace rather than this silence.

“I'm going to be an uncle?!” You heard your brother screams purposely ignoring the first news you told them and chose to focus on the good one first, your mom let out a cautious laugh while your dad remains silent.

“Dad?” You asked for him. “I know you're mad and disappointed in me. I know this isn't what we hoped for and I'm really sorry dad. I hope you still love me.” You cried.

You heard your dad laugh on the other line. “I am not mad nor disappointed in you y/n. And yes I love you so much and right now it might be two times more than usual.”

“He’s crying y/n.” Your mom teased your dad. “We're happy for you. We’re going to be grandparents!”

They didn’t ask anything about Johnny out of respect so you initiated the talk. You told them everything that happened between you and Johnny. You also mentioned Taeyong helped you greatly during the challenging times. You also told them your plan about telling Johnny that you’re carrying his child.

Your mom felt so sorry for you, your brother was furious but your dad remained composed and neutral. They made sure that whatever happens, you have a home and a family to go home to.

For the first time after four weeks, you laid on your bed without wishing Johnny was beside you. You felt drained and empty, but you also felt a sudden charge of strength and courage. Now that you're near to becoming a mother, you promised yourself that all decisions you will be making will be nothing but the best for your child. From this day on you will pour out the remaining love you have left in you to your baby.

The very next day you went to a convenience store near your apartment and bought three packs of pregnancy kits. You have decided that you will finally pay Johnny a visit. You have decided to tell him about the baby, after all, he is still the father and you thought he somewhat deserves to know.

You're scared to your wits how he would react, what if he doesn't want to own up and take responsibility for this. But then you keep reminding yourself that you owe this to your unborn child, you have to at least try to give your baby a father if not a complete family and if he doesn't want to do anything with it then you will leave.

Peeing on a stick and waiting for its result isn't as nerve-wracking as you expected it to be maybe because you already know what’s the result’s going to be. But as you start seeing two lines on it you started bawling. Yes you’re scared, but the tears you’re crying are not from stress anymore, they’re there because you’re happy.

The day seemed brighter, the air was cheerful and the sun that hits your skin feels warmer. You looked into the mirror and you saw something you haven’t seen in a while, there is hope in your eyes.

“That's right. Let's make a difference today.” You cheered yourself and changed your clothes to something comfortable, you put the stick inside your pocket and drove down to Johnny's dorm.

You parked your car in front of NCT’s dorm building and as you walked towards the entrance, you noticed people looking at you. You thought there was something on your face so took your phone out to check but instead you saw a few dozen texts and missed calls. Some are from your colleagues, some are from NCT members and some are from your family abroad. You didn't read the texts one by one but you scanned through them.

“Is it true you're dating Johnny Suh from NCT?”

“Hey, you're on the news this morning!”

“Why didn't you tell me you're dating Johnny Suh! I so wanted to go to their concerts.”

Your hands are shaking and you feel like you've been dumped by cold water.

You read the most recent text. It was from Taeyong.

“Y/n are you doing okay? Do you want me to drop by your house? Don't read any articles please, it's not good for you and the baby.”

You didn't listen and went to read the articles anyways. It says there that you've been dating for 2 years now and was caught having an intimate dinner date 4 weeks ago.

You started wondering how they'd know? There's a picture of you and Johnny at the restaurant smiling to your heart's content and another one where Johnny was kissing your hand after reading his letter to you.

Suddenly all the eyes on you felt different. It feels like a piercing stare that could hurt you. You ran inside the building. You couldn't get to the elevators so you went to the stairs. You ran up to the 5th floor, you feel yourself catching your breath. You knocked so hard at their door you’re certain that the neighbors heard them but you didn’t care.

Haechan opened the door and you can see the shocked look on his face. “Y/n what are you doing here?” He asked you but you walked past him.

Tears are threatening to fall again but you stood your ground. No more crying. You have to be strong, you can't be weak, not right now.

“Where’s Johnny?” You said loudly. Doyoung and Taeyong heard you and came out from the kitchen.

“Y/n?” Taeyong called your name. You looked at him and asked him,

“Where’s he?”

He didn’t answer but Doyoung pointed at the room at the end of the hallway. You walk to it and sighed before you knocked.

“Johnny.” You called out his name with authority.

Johnny on the other side of the door is facing what seems to be the biggest challenge of his career. Pictures have been leaked, he is reading tweets from fans and they're not taking the news very well. His company postponed his solo debut and they're deciding whether or not they'll put him on indefinite hiatus. He’s so overwhelmed and so mad at everyone.

When he heard you knock and heard your voice calling him, his blood boiled. This is all because of you. All his hard work to get where he is now went down the drain because of you.

Johnny opened the door. It felt like years since the last time he saw you. Your beautiful face, your kissable lips, your kind eyes. He can still see your beauty, but he can't feel anything other than anger towards you. You came in and closed the door behind you.

You can see a lot of emotions in his eyes right now but love isn’t present. Seeing him for the first time after a month brings back all the pain. Memories of you alone begging him to come home went gushing in like a tsunami. You never imagined that one day your relationship will turn out this way. Tears are already at bay.

“This is your fault.” He mumbled to himself, he knew you heard it loud and clear. One hand on his waist, the other gripping his hair. You couldn't believe what Johnny just said. You clenched your fist on your chest and tears began to escape as you tried to convince yourself that he’s just mad, he didn't mean that.

“Johnny, please don't say tha-” Johnny threw his bedside lamp at the wall, the lamp shattering made a huge noise. You had your back against the wall and Johnny is on the other side of the room. You cannot hide the fear you are feeling right now, shaking that he might not satisfy his anger and resort to hurting you.

“I SAID THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!” He threw another object that his hand touched. It made an even louder noise, you know the members outside could hear Johnny screaming and blaming you, but you didn't care because you're blaming yourself too.

“I'm sorry.” You started crying. “I'm truly sorry Johnny, but please we need to talk.” You walked up to him attempting to calm him down by touching his arms. You don't know anymore how to get his attention. You don't even know why you're still trying to tell him that you're pregnant at this point.

“YOU’RE SUCH A FUCKING BURDEN Y/N! A fucking burden! I don't want to see your fucking face ever again! Fucking shit! I've been working on my career for years y/n! YEARS! And all gone because of you! You're fucking selfish, you only think of yourself! HOW ABOUT ME?! You’re ignorant, selfish and jealous! I don't even know why I fell in love with you! I regret talking to you at that stupid old coffee shop! When I first left Canada, I should've ended things right there and then! I didn't know any better then but now? Now I do. I know you're a fucking worthless piece of shit that I wasted my life on.”

Ears ringing, you slapped Johnny so hard you brought him back to his senses. You couldn't talk, you were crying so hard that even breathing is hard for you to do. You let Johnny’s hateful words sink in, you soaked up all he said and it's now drowning you.

You have been wanting to hear something from him, but not this. Not like this. Not those words.

Johnny couldn't believe he just said all that. He stared at you and watched you catch your breath. He tried walking closer to you, wanting to help you breathe, but you stepped back and slapped him harder. You couldn't get a word out of all the crying, you hate this Johnny in front of you so much all you can do is slap him.

Both of you didn't notice that Taeyong and Haechan had been knocking on the door quite loudly. Doyoung took out an emergency spare key and opened the door. Taeyong saw you clenching your chest, crying and couldn't breathe. He ran towards you, held you by your shoulders and took you away from that room, away from Johnny.

Johnny looked at the door you went out from. Haechan tried talking to him but he couldn't comprehend what he's saying. He snapped and hurt you. Minutes ago he was mad at you but now all his anger is towards himself.

Taeyong drove you away from the dorm. The media has been tipped off that you went to NCT’s dorm and there are a lot of people outside the building, waiting by your car. He borrowed their manager’s car, sneaked you out from the back building and drove you home.

He was quiet the entire drive, the car was filled with the sound of you sobbing. You're sick and tired of crying. All you did for the past weeks was cry, but no matter how much effort you put to stop crying, you just can't.

“WHY CAN’T I FUCKING STOP CRYING!!” You screamed. “I’m always fucking cry! I'm sick of this! I'm tired of looking like a fucking fool! I JUST WANT ALL OF THIS TO STOP!”

He didn't tell you to calm down. Instead, just like what he always does he held your hand and squeezed it tightly. “Let it all out.” He said.

“I want to leave Taeyong.” You sobbed. Taeyong thought you just wanted to unwind, but no. As soon as you got back to your apartment, he saw you took your passport and put it in your pocket, you took your suitcases out and hurriedly packed your things.

You know you're packing your clothes like an animal, but you don't care anymore. Your hands are shaking and your eyes are blurry from the tears. Without a word, Taeyong held you by your shoulders and sat you down on your bed. He looked you into your eyes and cupped your face as he wiped your tears away.

He took the clothes your holding from your hands and folded them neatly before refolding everything you’ve already put in your suitcase. Even though he disagrees with this, he’s still helping you pack your things. “Are you sure you want to do this?” Taeyong asked you with concern in his voice.

You nodded even though you know he couldn’t see you. “Yes.” You whispered.

“You know that you don't have to do this alone y/n, right? I'm here for you.” Taeyong wanted to offer himself. You need someone to lean on and he’s willing to give that to you. He is willing to go the distance for you and your baby. He wanted to present himself to you, but he knows all too well that it will not help you in any way and will only complicate things

“I know Taeyong and I'm grateful for you but I need to leave. I need to get away from everyone and everything.”

Your head is starting to hurt because of all the crying you did, but the pain in your heart is overshadowing it. Taeyong could only nod, who is he to stop you from leaving? Considering everything you’re going through he cannot blame you for wanting to escape.

You only took the things you bought for yourself and left all the things Johnny gave you. Your heart is heavy, but you know you have to do this. You have to think of your baby from now on and not just yourself.

Taeyong offered you a ride to the airport and is now waiting for you in the car downstairs, you took a glance at the apartment that has been your home. You can't believe your relationship with Johnny will end up like this. You saw the love letter that Johnny wrote you by the shelf. You read it once more and wrote your own message at the back of it and left it on the table for him to see.

The stick in your pocket felt heavier, you don’t know if Johnny deserves to know about the baby. You were thinking of leaving the stick with the letter you wrote, but after what he did and what he said it left you wondering... Do you really need him?

You took out the stick and looked at the two tiny lines. No, you’re no longer alone and you will never be alone again. You thought of your family back in Canada, they will be by your side every step of the way. You don’t need Johnny.

You teared as you smiled, you decided to move on with your life. In hopes that Johnny will also be able to live his life the way he wanted... As an idol. When you think of it, he was never yours anyway. He belonged under the spotlight. He is destined to perform. He belonged to the fans to love.

Maybe he’s right. Maybe you are a burden to him, hindering him from reaching his dreams.

Without any second thoughts you put the stick back in your pocket, left your apartment and didn’t look back.

Taeyong helped you to disguise yourself before he let you leave the car. He put his hood then mask on and took your suitcase out from the trunk. You thanked Taeyong for all his help and asked him not to tell anyone about everything he knows which he promised he'll never tell a soul, but Taeyong did ask for something in return.

He asked you to please stay in touch with him. All you could do is smile and nod at him before leaving him with a tight hug. Taeyong memorized the feeling of your hug, his heart is at ease and happy knowing that you’ll be reunited with your family soon.

You took a very deep breath before boarding the plane, leaving behind a big piece of your heart with Johnny.

Taeil visited Johnny in his room right after you left and as soon as he saw Johnny sitting by his bed, he opened his arms to him. Johnny accepted Taeil’s embrace and cried on his shoulder, bending his neck low. Everyone tried to talk to Johnny but he answered to no one but Taeil.

“Johnny, you know that none of this is y/n’s fault. You are just mad that you cannot freely love the person you want to love and it's okay to get mad, your feelings are valid because it is frustrating. What’s not okay is to blame it all on her. Both of you went to that date, both of you wanted that date to happen.”

Johnny shook his head to disagree even though he knew all too well that Taeil’s right. His emotions were still high and to get down from it so suddenly will make him look like a fool. Even at this moment he still chooses to protect his pride.

“She needs you more than anyone right now. She is going through the same thing as you and no matter how much you deny it, you need her too. This situation only have two choices and the ball’s in your court.” He tapped Johnny’s shoulder as he got up from his seat. “You're a big boy now, Johnny. Think.”

Taeil left him alone to think. Johnny needed time alone, he had to reflect on the things he said and did.

He realized how much he fucked up. He knew he crossed the line and he knew he hurt you but his pride and his anger stopped him from running after you. He needed time to compose and calm himself down and thought you needed time for yourself too. As much as his heart tells him to go home to you as quickly as possible, his head tells him to stay at the dorm for one more night and he did. But Johnny didn’t even have the slightest clue that you left, he just assumed that you went home and cried as usual.

The day ended quickly. Johnny’s phone was confiscated by Doyoung so he wouldn’t look at any more of the hateful things that the “fans” have to say. The other members from Dream and WayV were so worried for him and came to visit him but he didn’t meet anyone, he just stayed in his room alone. He doesn't have enough courage to face them, he already stained the name of their group. Why would they want to check on him still?

Johnny did not get a wink of sleep. It is not new to him to not be able to sleep since the night he moved out of your apartment.

But tonight is different, for the first time after a month, he thought of you. He remembered how you smiled at him, how warm you made him feel, how you hugged him behind his back, how you always cuddled him, he tried remembering how your hand fits perfectly to his. He tried remembering your voice when you tell him you love him, he smiled reliving his happy days with you. But whenever he closes his eyes, all he can see is how painful your eyes the last time he looked at them and how much disappointment they held. He saw how tears fell from your eyes, and how your whole body shook from anxiety.

The sun was barely up when Johnny decided to go home to you. His career wouldn’t mean anything without you by his side anyway. His mind is set on fixing his relationship with you. He realized that it’s easier to fight this mess together than alone. He finally accepted the truth that he needed you more than you needed him.

With a duffle bag on his shoulder, he sneakily left his bedroom and was about to go out when he saw Taeyong drinking coffee alone at the dining table. Taeyong looked up at him and glanced at the heavy duffle bag Johnny was carrying.

“Awake already?” Johnny asked.

“Didn't sleep. Moving out?”

“No. Going home.”

‘Home? Too late.’ he thought. Taeyong tried so hard not to scoff. “Okay. See you around then.” He bid Johnny goodbye and went to his room.

Johnny was thinking of things to say to you. He wanted to explain everything to you without making it sound like he's blaming you. There's a lot of ways he thought he could explain himself, but all of them start and end with an apology. Right now, what only matters is to ask your forgiveness and he would beg for it if he has to.

“Stop giving out useless reasons Johnny. You’re wrong, just apologize to her as if your life depended on it.” He talked to himself.

Johnny nervously stood by the door of the apartment both of you once shared. He wanted to ring the bell but he thought you might still be asleep so instead, he pulled out his key from his pocket and opened the door with it. He missed the smell of the apartment, the smell of your lavender candle welcomed him home. The place looks the same, the kitchen’s clean and the living room is tidy. He went straight to your bedroom and slowly opened the door, careful not to wake you.

He thought he was hallucinating but you weren't there. The bed is empty. The bed is made as if it had never been slept on. His mind is racing, he’s trying to calm himself down but everything he thought of leads to one horrifying end. He didn't want to believe it. With shaking hands he walked quickly to the closet and that confirmed everything.

Your clothes are gone. He looked at your bedside table, a picture of your family used to be there but now it's gone. The jewelry Johnny gave you is still there, the only ones that are missing are the ones that your brother and mother gave you.

He went out of the bedroom and went straight to the living room. The books you owned aren't on the shelves anymore. The vinyls that you collected are gone. He looked around the apartment and he saw the letter he wrote for you on the kitchen table, he picked it up and saw that something new was written on it.

“I’m sorry if I ever kept you locked up and held you back, but here I am giving you what you deserve, this is me supporting you. I still wish for your success, Johnny. Reach your dreams.”

Suddenly the apartment felt dark, cold and empty. Just like his chest, it felt like his heart was ripped out open. He was too late and the blame is all his. Regrets do always come in the end. Johnny sat down at the table and stared at your handwritten letter for what seemed like forever.

AN: There will be a sequel for this and if you want to be added on the taglist please let me know!

Take Me Back | Johnny Suh

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