this account is from a person who is currently lost in life, stuck and trying to rehab while being su1c1d1al (pushing 10 years under the radar)
more: cis-female(?), 20+, <25, asian (sinosphere&SEA), bilingual, maybe bisexual maybe asexual idk im not sure abt nothing anymore
mostly will be me yapping about wanting to have a dom top gf 😭+ trauma/sad life/evasive/intrusive/su1c1d1al thoughts idk what to call em dumping (tagged with 🐳yapyap and depressionposting)
i hope through this i can connect more with people, getting to understand how to be human(*), how to live, how to be better etc. (if i got the chance to even interact)
this account maybe mostly NSFW ‼️ (no explicit imagery from me tho)
i never used Tumblr before pls be gentle ( ; ω ; )
I HIGHLY recommend giving compliments to random strangers.
Not, like, fake compliments or randomly giving scrounged up compliments to everyone you pass in the street, but -- say you see someone with an article of clothing you really really like. Cool accessories or a great haircut or something. Tell them.
I told an old woman yesterday that I liked her blouse. It was this super pretty white-at-the-top-floral-at-the-bottom shirt which was really lovely. So i backtracked where I'd walked past her and I said "excuse me - i love your shirt." And this harried, stressed-looking 80-something year old brightened up immediately, and beamed, and then when she and I headed off in separate directions, she had a pep in her step.
This other time I told a woman that I liked her boots. She gave me a company name thats since become my favourite brand of shoes. I told someone else that her scarf was cute and she was like "do you like it? Here, you can have it," and she dropped her scarf in my hands and then got on her train and left. I once saw a woman who had clearly put effort into her outfit that day but was now looking harried and frazzled as she wrangled four children across the road, and I told her that her outfit was gorgeous and she lit up like a christmas tree. I told a gay man that I loved his whole look once and he turned into a smiling, blushing mess as his super delighted and proud boyfriend was like "yea, he DOES look gorgeous doesnt he?"
If you see someone with something compliment-worthy going on, don't hold back. What's the point? Ive never once had a bad response to giving a compliment to a stranger. Everyone to a tee has been absolutely thrilled to receive a surprise compliment about their outfit or their make up or their shoes or their vibe or etc. Give out compliments to random strangers. Its free, and it'll make their whole day.
it feels difficult to comb through the history of conflicts like syscourse, endos, antis, pros, exclusionists, medicalists etc . (⚪️🟠: if there could be a record of history like internet history of something hahaha)(⚪️: but written history is fundamentally biased)
meanwhile my brain is also sharding most of the attention for IRL matters like adjusting, stabilising the dissociation sensations (⚪️), and 8 cats (🟠). it's not like "i" have the hallucinations. i dont know the medical term. i learnt about the term of depersonalization and derealization disorder yesterday. though, i know the concepts before, and feel related to it. but "i" dont have the ability to confirm or affirm anything on my own accord. i lack the philosophical and critical baselines.
i went off-trail again.
long-ass opening (🔴?) just to say --
im scared/afraid/worried that this might be another new shiny thing, new interesting thing, and i/we forgot one week after. (⚪️+?)
the excitement or the feeling of interest has ceased.
All the terms and labels I use to describe my plurality
(And why)
Aka: What the fuck is this guy talking about, oh there's a post describing it.
Plural
The big catch-all term for anyone who experiences being "more than one". Important to note that this is completely seperate from me being polyminded.
Polymind
Seperated subpersonalities. The majority of the subpersonalities seperated are EPs (specifically with Secondary Structural Dissociation).
Cope Identity
A response to your emotions being so strong they feel like seperate people due to identity confusion. Exactly what it sounds like, I essentially personified my emotions.
Dividentity
When there's two distinct sides to your identity that do not blend.
Frairor
When your identity feels like a shattered mirror, seperated, but all part of the same mirror. Now you may be asking, how can you be both dividentity and frairor? They describe different levels of my identity.
Fader Identity
Where ones identity feels like a set of faders. The primary fader is how "vibrant" or "active" your identity is, the secondary fader being the core parts of your identity, and the tertiary faders being the smaller parts of your identity. My subpersonalities and copeIDs are tertiary faders, while my dividentity is the secondary fader.
Now to what I made the fuck up!
Holon
Whole parts in another whole thing. My personalities, the reason I use plural, my secondary faders, my dividentity.
Faction
Used to say factions of my mind, it just stuck, there's no reason I use faction otherwise. My subpersonalities/minds, my copeIDs, my tertiary faders, the reason I use polymind; cope identity; and frairor.
Class
No reason I use class other than funny TF2 reference, since my one class is part of a faction. Polymind terms she's a "submind".
Traumabased
Traumagenic + traumashattered. Basically I am the way I am because of trauma, I use traumabased instead of the other two simply for ease.
Main
Whichever part of me is "main" is the one in control. "Fronting" "active"
Second
Basically "co-fronting" or "co-active" or "co-conscious". I will almost never use this unless it's important to know.
Changing
I never use this really, basically "switching" or "swapping".
%
This is from faderID, the primary fader. 100% is I'm doubting my identity since one of us has stayed in main for far too long and everything feels hazy, 0% is somebody pressing all the buttons and levers and we're rapidly changing.
Pride
Describing everyone, "collective". Referencing lions for two reasons. 1. The Lion King, its our special interest. 2. We get to say my pride sometimes, and we loved that series.
Why don't I use language folks already know?
It feels bad to. My plurality, polymindence, and cope identities are so intertwined. Things like active and swapping are for polyminds, while medical terms like fronting feels wrong for me to use, we are not medical. So I decided fuck it, we're doing our own thing and we're gonna leave everyone confused. Feel free to use any of the terms I mentioned.
if im not a system then what to explain the feeling of both disgust of the idea of sex and (hypothetically) hypersexual -- fantasizing and grinding segg games like addiction until i return to indifferent/numbness mode
of course, while maintaining (involuntarily) the virgin status (should i shame about this)
i tried to search for side effect of setraline and similar drugs, no avail, or im getting worse at reading. i want to take it anyway. i hope i feel physical pain and it would make my medically crazy. i hope i finally snap. i hope i finally have the courage to commit it.
