Inside the mind of Heather

Random notions, deep thoughts and special insights. Trans woman, emphasis on woman. Navy Veteran, sarcastic, patient, well-mannered and tolerant but with little patience for willful ignorance

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Spring Cleaning

Apparently the purge has shaken loose a lot of weirdos from other blogs and quite a few of them have migrated over to me.

Not at all happy about that.

If you’re a sissy, a daddy, just need something to fap toor are any other flavor of perv, please note now...I will block you. This goes for empty blogs, too.

I ain’t your fantasy or stimulation.

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NPC REEEEE

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Halloween 2018 at work.

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I’m not Trans

I am not ‘trans’.

I am myself. I was born one way but have had an overwhelming certainty that what is outside is at odd with what is inside.

I have Gender Dysphoria. It’s a diagnosis, not destiny.

I am far, far more than anything a person can see when they look at my outside.

I’m pretty smart, kinda witty, more than a little sarcastic. I’m loyal, easily disappointed in myself but virtually impossible to offend.

I’m moody, silly and weird. I love entirely, live simply, prefer quality over quantity, always feel like I could do better. I’m a pessimist, a procrastinator and only feel good about life when it’s in some semblance of order.

I make my bed every morning, can never decide if I love or hate my bangs and prefer a dress or skirt-and-top to any jeans or pants.

I make cookies that could make you fall in love with me and breakfast so good you’re happy to have fallen asleep with me in your arms.

I’m a hug-slut, a prude and old fashioned. I’m the daughter of a loving mother, sibling to an accepting sister and bear friend to one of the finest people I’ve been blessed to know.

I’m a lot of things, not all of them good.

But what I am is me, no label can ever begin to fully, or even partially, describe me.

I am more than my disorder. Don’t call me ‘trans’.

I am Heather.

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Change

Mere change is not growth. Growth is the synthesis of change and continuity, and where there is no continuity there is no growth. ~ C.S. Lewis.

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Trying to Try

There are days when I am SO unhappy to have awaken. I can only lay in bed, on the verge of tears, and gather what strength I have, muster the reserves, and drag my ass out of bed.

Days when ‘going through the motions’ is the only thing that keeps me IN motion. I make the coffee, feed the cat, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I put on make-up, dress up and head out to work. The music in my ears, usually such a blessing, is just so much noise. Everything grates. Everything annoys. The train is late and I’m caught between a growl and full-on sobbing, body-wracking cry.

The very idea of going to work, of being at work, fills my heart with dread. I put on the brave face, I try to not succumb to the swelling dread that threatens to drag me under.

Do I even want to fight it?

Wouldn’t it be better to just end. To stop. To quit fighting and let life wipe its ass with me?

I’d like to say, yes: keep fighting!

I’d like to.

But I can’t.

I want to try. I really do.

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Ever get the feeling that if you just went away, no one would notice?

Welcome to my world.

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Ask Me!

Ask me all the things!

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Ama

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Seriously, though. Really. Ask me stuff. I’m interesting. Ish

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Ask Me!

Ask me all the things!

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Ama

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Monday morning at work, taking great care of our Veterans.

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When u wake up and ur teddy bear is on the floor

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Too true, too true.

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My ‘boss’ ( she hates that word! ), who was a friend before she became my direct supervisor, thought I looked ‘beautiful’ today.

Had a couple of old guys ( I work with other Veterans ) were waxing poetical about my appearance, too.

So, I guess my opinion might be less than accurate.

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Ask Me!

Ask me all the things!

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My very small, yet pretty and deadly, knife collection.

The black khurki I keep next to my bed, handy in case some mothefucker gets brave and stupid.

The purple-bladed folding knife stays with me, it has a thumb switch that allows for very fast open. Ya know, just in case some motherfucker gets brave and stupid.

I’m thinking about sending on of the khukris off to be ‘survivalized’, new sheath with flint and steel, etc, packed on. In case, well, you get the idea.

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New Glasses.

After losing my last pair while riding the bus to work, I finally got enough money to replace them.

A mid-month ‘free paycheck’ ( not rent and all bills paid ) on my birthday ( yesterday the 24th ) gave me enough money.

Had picked out the frames on-line and with insurance in hand, I went to buy them.

Tried on a few different frames but picked a pair most like the previous pair, with slightly larger lenses for the progressive Rx, with anti-glare and transitions.

Was about to hand over my payment when my best friend said ‘happy birthday’ and paid.

If I haven’t made it clear lately, I have some amazing friends.

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It’s the little things

Got on the bus this morning and a woman leaned over and asked if she could sit next to me.

I gathered my belongings, mildly annoyed because there were empty seats available.

She turned to me and confided, ‘ I feel safer sitting next to another woman’.

Well, obviously my Monday started off on the best foot possible.

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Happy Tuesday! On my way to work in a brand new dress and feeling AMAZING!