ASPD blog.

[sociopathicdisturbance]

Why do people want trauma so bad?

I don’t really know. I think it’s different for everyone. Having trauma will get you attention. Wanting attention is normal and natural, everyone wants and needs attention. It becomes wrong when it hurts an already vulnerable group of people. I also think “wanting” trauma is a symptom of a trauma you might be repressing, like a subconscious expression kind of a thing. That was similar to my experience, I used to find myself almost jealous of people with trauma and I couldn’t figure out why. Turns out I was repressing a huge amount of trauma. I was jealous of the help, support and positive attention they were receiving for their trauma, not the trauma itself.

These are just my thoughts, but I hope it answers your question.

[pack-of-rats-archive]

WANTING TRAUMA IS ACTUALLY A TRAUMA RESPONSE! IT'S REALLY COMMON FOR TRAUMATIZED PEOPLE TO BE IN DENIAL OF THEIR TRAUMA/ MINIMIZE IT, AND WISH THAT "WORSE" THINGS HAPPENED SO THAT THEIR SYMPTOMS WOULD BE VALID.

I don't feel like digging for the post right now but this has been said by trauma experts and you can take me at my word or not.

[sociopathicdisturbance]

personal opinion: only people who have trauma "want trauma," it's people who don't realize what they went through was traumatic but they do know they have the pain so they want a "real" trauma to happen to them. or they want people to think they experienced a "real" trauma so their pain is recognized

I can’t argue with that.

[sociopathicdisturbance]

ASPD, Psychopathy, and Trauma

I lurk occasionally on the ASPD/sociopath/psychopath/whatever tags on here, filtering through the aesthetic shit, to read other ASPD blogs and see their input on the disorder. There is so little research on socio/psychopathy that it’s currently up to those afflicted to either do their own research or come to their own conclusions. I write my posts sometimes as if they are fact, but they are just my opinions based on my own experiences with ASPD.

It is important to understand that not everyone agrees on the exact definitions of these disorders or that they are even different. There just isn’t enough research. As far as I understand, psychopathy is nature while ASPD is nurtured, ASPD and Psychopathy are different conditions on the same spectrum. Psychopathy is a structural and physiological abnormality in the brain, while ASPD is largely trauma based, similar to a developmental disorder. The child does not properly develop (or develop at all) the trait of empathy due to extremely early sustained trauma. People with ASPD might have naturally lower empathy as a genetic trait, leading them to develop ASPD as opposed to other cluster B disorders, but not the actual differences in their brain. Children with psychopathy can still be traumatized, which following this train of thought would intensify their psychopathy.

I think this is interesting in the context of infamous serial killers of the 60s-80s, all likely psychopaths, raised by their “Silent Generation” (1928-1945) and “Greatest Generation” (1901-1924) parents, both traumatized in the Great Depression and two world wars, coming back with things like war neurosis, shell shock and thousand yard stares. If those children were born with psychopathy, having an unstable/dysfunctional home life with traumatized parents did nothing but harm developmentally.

None of this is an excuse to harm innocents or take innocent life of course. I write to explain, never to justify abuse.

Source: https://www.med.wisc.edu/news-and-events/2011/november/psychopaths-brains-differences-structure-function/

[sociopathicdisturbance]

Why do people want trauma so bad?

I don’t really know. I think it’s different for everyone. Having trauma will get you attention. Wanting attention is normal and natural, everyone wants and needs attention. It becomes wrong when it hurts an already vulnerable group of people. I also think “wanting” trauma is a symptom of a trauma you might be repressing, like a subconscious expression kind of a thing. That was similar to my experience, I used to find myself almost jealous of people with trauma and I couldn’t figure out why. Turns out I was repressing a huge amount of trauma. I was jealous of the help, support and positive attention they were receiving for their trauma, not the trauma itself.

These are just my thoughts, but I hope it answers your question.

[sociopathicdisturbance]

I’m still here

Thank you for 175 followers, even with the inactivity. I always, always appreciate it. I am in my last semester of school right now so I’m pretty busy, hence the lack of actual posts. I will write when I have the time and energy.

I do check this blog most days so if you want to send something, please do. I’ll answer as quick as I can.

[sociopathicdisturbance]

is it possible for someone with aspd to cry during a movie/tv show, but not really get affected irl when something traumatic/sad happens? (asking from personal experiences lol)

Yes, I would say so. Sad things are sad, and everyone cries. Everyone’s ASPD and trauma is different too. It doesn’t happen to me often personally, I think the types of movies that make me feel sad or upset tend to be animal movies. Some people are more outwardly emotional than others too, and ASPD is no exception to that. I would say don’t overthink it, it’s ok to cry.

[sociopathicdisturbance]

kevin dutton also has a whole book about this topic from the article called “the wisdom of psychopaths” if you wanna read more

I think I came across that in a bookstore last year, I’ll have to check it out. Thank you!

[sociopathicdisturbance]

legit never seen someone not make aspd all about "unless you do crime you dont have it", i built my mask all around being "good" so obvs crime is extremely inconvenient to me

Exactly, not everyone’s MO is to do crime. I have no problem with “crime” and I think it’s a racist construct anyways. I can get what I want in a lot of different ways not involving crime (although I have been known to partake once in a while).

[soulpathos]

“Crime” is an ever evolving construct within society as well. Crime is certainly no basis for morality. 

[sociopathicdisturbance]

100 Followers

Thank you to everyone who has followed this blog! I did not expect people to pay actual attention when I started writing, but I’m pleasantly surprised at how well this blog has been received. I appreciate every ask, comment, reblog, etc. Even if I don’t respond to you right away, or post regularly, I do see the things in my inbox.

Once again, please feel free to ask relevant questions. I don’t bite. I am in school and working 2 jobs now during the pandemic, but I will be active on here when I can.

[your-aspd-dad]

People with Antisocial Personality Disorder are not inherently evil, abusive, or worse than anyone else. People with Psychopathy are not inherently evil, abusive, or worse than anyone else. They are some of the most stigmatised disorders in the world.

Calling people sociopaths or psychopaths just because they’re horrible people is armchair diagnosing which is a. wrong and b. ableist as all hell. Mistreating people who confide in you about disorders they have and are trying to recover from is a. abusive and b. ableist as hell. Stop doing it. Please.

[sociopathicdisturbance]

Would you be willing to do a post on what love/relationships are like for you (and your personality disorder)?

I am yes, once I can draft a coherent piece with a point.

[sociopathicdisturbance]

Is it possible for a sociopath to feel empathy/sympathy (forgive me, I struggle with applying the difference) in the abstract - such as feeling for sick and hungry children in other countries or the rights of a minority group, perhaps even particularly a minority they are a part of - while instead still being unable to/having difficulty with empathizing/sympathizing with individuals?

Excellent question. I can only speak for myself here, and the short answer is yes. Personally, it’s not that I feel an abstract empathy for vulnerable groups or tragic situations; it’s more so that I know that those types of things are wrong. No one is genetically/racially superior to anyone else, that is a simple fact. When I see things like racism and various -phobias, I know it’s wrong and I do something about it. Bigotry is dangerously ignorant, which I don’t like because it affects the world I live in. Same thing goes for seeing sick/hungry children. Children are innocents, there is no need to be cruel to them and no child should ever suffer.

Summarized answer is while someone with ASPD might not be capable of empathy, they aren’t monsters. A lot of sociopaths have compassion and all of us know right from wrong. I have compassion for children, animals and vulnerable populations, even if I don’t empathize with or understand them.

[sociopathicdisturbance]

hi! I was wondering if you'll write about npd and npd related topics on your blog? Just curious!

I am not sure yet, I write whatever I feel like writing in the moment. I don’t know as much about NPD as I don’t have it, but if it is relevant to the topic at hand, or if someone requests something specifically then I’m open to it.

[sociopathicdisturbance]

legit never seen someone not make aspd all about "unless you do crime you dont have it", i built my mask all around being "good" so obvs crime is extremely inconvenient to me

Exactly, not everyone’s MO is to do crime. I have no problem with “crime” and I think it’s a racist construct anyways. I can get what I want in a lot of different ways not involving crime (although I have been known to partake once in a while).

[sociopathicdisturbance]

The Pros to Being a Psychopath

Oxford research psychologist Kevin Dutton argues that psychopaths are poised to perform well under pressure.

I found this article this morning, which I thought was a rare and interesting read that portrays ASPD in a positive, productive light. Worth your time if you have it.

[sociopathicdisturbance]

ASPD and Trauma

As I have said many times on this blog before, ASPD is a trauma based disorder. I speak from experience on this. I did not know what ASPD actually was until recently, when I discovered that I have it. Prior to that my only knowledge of ASPD came from movies and whatever I heard people say about “psychopaths”; how they are naturally horrible, evil people who want nothing more than to destroy everything in their path and take pleasure in abuse/rape/murder etc. This is a sensationalized and unrealistic understanding of the disorder. It’s an easier and more profitable notion for people to digest, rather than the harsh reality that ASPD results from repeated, extensive childhood trauma.

I always talk about ASPD from a traumacentric POV. Cluster B disorders in general are misunderstood, and somehow still a “mystery” in the medical community as to how they form and function. I am no doctor, nor do I have a degree in psychology, but you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see that there are patterns in the risk factors for these disorders. It’s a combination of nature and nurture: your genetics combined with “Emotional, cultural and social factors” (aka whatever unstable/abnormal situation you grew up in). If a child is predisposed to a cluster B personality disorder due to a family history and then subjected to trauma, they will unsurprisingly develop that cluster B disorder in many cases. Most people you talk to with Cluster B disorders will have some sort of trauma in their developmental years.

Like with any disorder, I believe there are levels of severity with Cluster B disorders as well, based on genetics + trauma. Those who endured trauma for longer periods of time, or those who have a more intense predisposition might have a louder presentation of their disorder. Like the trauma itself, the lasting effects will be very individualized based on the person.

I can’t speak for other Cluster B disorders. I have briefly touched upon this topic in a previous post, but I know that growing up in my situation, it was actually beneficial for me to be very cold and have as little empathy as possible in order to ensure my own survival. ASPD runs in my family, so even without my trauma, I would probably still have lower than average empathy. However with my trauma, I did not get the chance to properly develop that empathy that I know I do have. My mental development as a child went instead to very basic survival instincts, as there was no room left to develop normally. Everyone has empathy, some just have more than others, and others too don’t have the tools to express it in a socially acceptable manner. I personally think that the little empathy I do have developed in such a way that it got channeled to things like stuffed animals and family pets, the few things I had as a child that did not hurt me. I projected myself onto them, and as a sociopath it is easier for me to empathize with something that I see myself in. Otherwise, it did not benefit me in any way to form connections with other people, so I simply didn’t. It is not a choice, it’s a scar.

My mom and siblings know about my ASPD and fully accept it. I am the same person to them that I always have been, and ASPD has given them an explanation for some of my behaviors. It’s really not a big deal for them, it’s just how I am. Because my siblings went through most of the same trauma with me, it is very likely that my sister has ASPD as well. We have had very honest and open discussions about it as a family unit, and although they might not fully understand, I know that they accept me no matter what. When I came to my mom with the fact that I am a sociopath (self dx), she was confused and scared at first, but upon explaining it to her and talking to her, she warmed up to it and now supports the disorder wholeheartedly. For parents or caregivers of a child with ASPD, my advice is this: Be supportive. Be loving. Be accepting. Accommodate for your child, and understand that they will not express things in a typical way. Work with them, not against them. They did not ask to develop a cluster B disorder.

ASPD is trauma based.

[sociopathicdisturbance]

Love and Romantic Relationships with ASPD.

I talked about ASPD and friendship in my last post. This post will be about romantic relationships. Reminder for everyone: This is based on my personal experience. 

The way that you perceive, receive and express love will depend on who you are and what you’ve experienced. Like I said in my last post, ASPD is a filter, not a personality. Overall, people with ASPD can absolutely feel romantic love and be in a successful and healthy relationship. It takes more effort from both parties, crystal clear communication and a different approach to love, but it can work and be very fulfilling.

A relationship with a sociopath will probably be less physical, less affectionate, and less traditional. If you are someone who likes/needs a lot of affirmation or validation, you likely won’t get that from someone with ASPD. You can expect an intense, pragmatic, unconventional relationship if you choose to be with a sociopath. I know personally that people with ASPD tend to be very analytical and observant. They can pick up on little quirks and habits about you very quickly and incorporate them into how they love you. I have been told that I am distant, standoffish and an acquired taste by most, but once I become more comfortable with a partner, I can be devoted, protective, and nurturing.

ASPD is a trauma based disorder, which is important to keep in mind before going into a relationship. Intensity is a word I’ve used a lot in this post, and I mean it. The sociopath’s daily interactions are probably pretty subdued and calculated, but when someone with ASPD is truly upset, they are upset for a reason. The trauma basis of the disorder can make reactions to certain things extreme, and seemingly random. This is where communication is important. During a conflict, the person with ASPD has to be able and willing to communicate what their issue is and solve it, while the partner has to be willing and able to work with the issue. The opposite is also true. If the partner has an issue, they need to be able to express this to the sociopath using an approach tailored to them, and the sociopath has to be willing and able to receive and work with the issue. Like any other relationship, it is two sided and requires effort from both ends.

Approach is vital in my opinion. It can change the outcome of a situation drastically, especially when mental illness is involved. Learning the love language of your partner is essential, it can be the difference in how you interpret and react to something. I try to communicate my love language right off the bat if I really want a relationship: Acts of service. It’s a subtle one that is easy to miss, and combined with my ASPD makes me come off as cold. If you are committed to someone, you will put in the effort of accommodating for them. This goes for an ASPD relationship as well.

I think too that choice of partner is very important for the success of a neurodivergent relationship. Two Cluster B people in a relationship might not be the best idea, unless both parties have done significant work in communication and trauma processing. On the other hand, someone who has no trauma and little/no experience with mental illness might not be the best choice of partner for someone with ASPD either. 

At the end of the day, an asshole is an asshole and ASPD is not an excuse to abuse or mistreat a partner. Communication and self awareness is key, in addition to consistent effort and an open mind.