Heart on my sleeve

I write what I feel.

[sodapresssed]

The Beast.

Morning’s light creeps it’s way into my window. Slowly but surely, unsuspectingly about to awaken the beast.

It is not a beast that can be seen, at least not to you.

Awoken abruptly, my heart races off like a speeding arrow. There are no easy mornings for me anymore.

Instantly overwhelmed, I can’t help but replay my worst fears in my head. While these play over, and over, like old re-running t.v. shows, I force myself to go about my morning routine.

I quietly take my shower. I quietly pack my lunch. I quietly get dressed for the day. I drive in absolute silence for 40 minutes until I get to work.

Here, it is often possible to get lost in my work. Slow start, while I try to battle what’s within. My brain functions normally for spurts, but then the beast returns.

Gathering myself, I have to put forth maximum effort to put aside my emotions. Like a fireman, fighting a house fire with a garden hose.

The beast pokes his head out, but doesn’t pounce. He waits for the perfect moment of vulnerability, before he engages.

Another day I have survived the taunting. Hoping no one could see it on my face. 10 hours of roller-coasted emotions.

Worn, tired, and beaten, I head back to my car for my silent drive home.

Home again. I try to wash myself clean of my worries. Finally under the covers, I know what’s coming.

He has been waiting for this moment.

Exposed, and seemingly helpless, the beast attacks. He takes over my thoughts, ravages my hopes, and spews my fears on the floor.

I try, and try to fall asleep as fast as I can. But he is unrelenting, and I am a cowering child. The struggle makes it harder, makes him become stronger. For hours I ruminate, over the things I cannot change, weakening my soul.

I long for the day where I can rid myself of this beast. Cast him away to the depths of hell where he belongs. Sleep is my temporary solace, but even then he peaks in once in a while. Just to wait for the sun, to awaken him once again.

[sodapresssed]

Shades

Lost in myself again; My silly, selfish ways. Overreacted as a child would, and it’s only been a few days.

There’s just something about the way you smile,  that I miss every second you’re gone.

There’s just something about the way you look at me, that won’t allow me to wait too long.

Baby just stick with me through my shades. I Promise it’s worth the wait.

[sodapresssed]

Hello, me

Positive note to self:

Why are you, you?

 Because you are honest.  Because you are intelligent.  Because you are empathetic.  Because you are talented.  Because you are kind.  Because you are handsome.  Because you work hard.  Because you are always there for anyone, at any time.  Because you enjoy making people laugh, and smile.  Because you care more than other people.  Because you are a good son, friend, brother, and uncle.  Because you are motivated.  Because you always have a smile on your face, no matter the circumstance.  Because you always want to be the best version of yourself.

 Because you see the ENDLESS potential within yourself.  Because you will never give up hope to be ultimately happy.  Because every day you wake, you should be happy with who you are.

I am far from perfect, but I will always be me. And I will always be full of LOVE.

[sodapresssed]

Define me.

We are defined by our leaps and bounds. By the roads we travel, by the conscience we found.

A long way to go, a long way we’ve come. Leaving no leaf un-turned, Sifting through each crumb.

Laughing as children, crying as the same. Every chuckle and tear, shows how far we came.

Reflections are healing, reflecting our past. Realization that we cannot retrieve each stone we’ve cast.

Make your steps long, widen your stride. Brush off your mistakes, roll with the tide.

Embracing each second, for one day you can’t. For in this wide world, you’re just an ant.

We may be small, but our love can ring loud. Stand as tall as trees. Be yourself. Be proud.

[sodapresssed]

Free Fall

How far must we go to escape ourselves? The miles stacking up, like my problems ignored.

When is it time to give in? I need someone to take the wheel.

My life won’t stay inside the dotted lines. I can’t go through this another time.

Feel free to take control, direct me where to go. Any direction is better than my own.

I seek the strength to muster any hope. Before the gap between myself and that bridge closes in any tighter.

I trust in letting go, and free falling to the cold water below. To be weightless for once, would ease my burdens for a moment.

[sodapresssed]

Save me

All i wanted was to have some faith. All i wanted was to live with no thought of regret. All i needed was to have a day of happiness.

My body has become one with the floor. Step through me to the door.

One day I’ll awake and this will all be gone. Or so they would say, if anyone actually said anything.

My smile is gone, my senses are numbed. Save me from these poisonous feelings.

[sodapresssed]

Reflections.

The mirror seamlessly reflects what I don’t want to see. The look in my own eyes starts to frighten me. Glass shatters show my worth, Reveal what I’ve feared the most. I’m shadowed by your heartless ghost.

The cracks start to appear on my skin. Distorted mind, morphed from my own suffering.

Any bliss is only temporary, Reality has been biting, harsh, and scary.

It’s as if I’m fully aware, Looking lifeless into my own blank stare.

You’ll see it’s not who I am, As if what I’ve become is a scam.

What I depict in my mind is not so easily hidden. And any disguise I’ve always forbidden.

My thoughts stream out like banners. Once bright, now ill-mannered.

What needs to be done can’t be written in poem. Truth is, I just want to go home.

[sodapresssed]

Blurred.

Flash in, fade about. Smiles forced and drawn out. Rites of passage only a distant image.

Drive for hours, to never reach your destination. Drain your energy, drip your last drop of fuel.

The soles of my shoes are worn, like my patience. Where did the time go? 

These miles flicker behind me. Like an antique film reel. Blurred and static, I can’t help but panic.

My strong-willed heart is still shrouded in questions. Keep fighting for me.

[sodapresssed]

Sing

My life is an ever changing song. I’ll never know the lyrics, but I’ll still sing along.

[sodapresssed]

Weary

Rest your eyes, weary one. Send your anxiety to the stars.

The dreams you seek are never that far.

Sink into your sheets, like a stone in the sea. Cast away your thoughts, remember to breathe.

You’re never alone, weary one. As long as your heart is still beating.

The dreams in your head will never be fleeting.

So while you slip into a starlit slumber, Grasp that your fear can never encumber.

[sodapresssed]

Weight of The World.

Take your steps with caution. The cracked, weathered asphalt could give way at a moments notice. You will never know the perils beneath your feet.

I call from below, warning those who approach, Surrounded in darkness and solitude.

My last wrong step has kept me away from society. I am being held against my own will.

I shiver as my frigid thoughts cast away any hope. Clawing and struggling as I try to bring myself back from underneath. My hands become rust stricken. My feet encased in Stone. I am becoming the weight of the world. Suffocating anything in my sight.

[sodapresssed]

Seek peace.

I can live hours in peace, But sometimes I can't escape the misery. Flashbacks of the smallest thing, A happy memory that brings only pain. When I awake from this dream, Please just allow me to scream. I want to run for miles until my legs give out, Then keep running until my hearts no longer in doubt. Grant me the strength I need to see this through. My soul is too kind to always be this blue.

[sodapresssed]

Sky in My Eyes

The sky reminds me of my life.

From blues to reds, from peace to strife.

I rise with the day, and settle with night. The darkest of hours, the brightest of bright.

The birds wander through, like those that I see. The ones that are lucky, come nest next to me.

My thoughts are the clouds, my words are the rain. The sun beats like anger, the moon soothes my pain.

The wind as my breath, I huff deep and exhale. Tears soft as snowflakes, Words sharp as hail.

I blanket the earth, inspiring everyone i touch. With a love that’s so big, for some it’s too much.

I’m revealed on the daily, and people look up. I’m not always my best, but I’m good enough.

[sodapresssed]

Release.

I’m still not sure Which fight is more worth fighting.

Holding on or letting go.

One will surely destroy me, while the other can only set me free.

Which begs me to wonder.. Why do I even still consider the other?

[theyareasecret-love]

[sodapresssed]

Still hurts but I'm still breathing.

[sodapresssed]

Past.

I wanted to be your future, but now I’m part of your past.

[sodapresssed]

Unknown.

Time has been slowly settling behind me. Every second takes it’s place in my history. To say with certainty that I’m growing would be a lie. The state of who I am or will be is a mystery.

Those around me assure me that I’ll be fine, But deep down it feels like it could take forever. I wander back roads like a lost dog. I treat the stars as my compass. Putting faith in anything before me. I want to believe this will make me stronger. But I don’t know if i can take much longer.

Save me from myself.