Hello this is my #cancermanifesto should I mention some TV shows I enjoy like Christopher Dorner? Okay watch Last Chance U and The Rap Game also on August 17th I found out that I have breast cancer. First things first – I’m gonna be fine. The lump I found in my right breast (I found it while I was in Hawaii on the 4th of July with Max because I really know how to ruin a vacation!!) was removed on August 22nd, so technically, I’m currently cancer-free and my tits still look amazing, I know you were very nervous. In fact, they are more even now so I highly recommend breast cancer if you want to be physically perfect.
I also had a couple lymph nodes removed from my right armpit, and thankfully they were clear. The lump that was removed also had clean edges, which is great. I’m basically the luckiest unlucky person.
My cancer is what’s known as triple positive – it has estrogen, progesterone, and HER2 receptors. This is good for treatment but sounds like I’m triple dying. The hardest part of the whole thing is still to come – I start a 6-part course of chemo on September 28th. What this means is I will get intravenous chemo 6 times, with 3 weeks between each course. Apparently the effect is cumulative and it gets worse towards the end. After my chemo is done, I will have to intravenously receive Herceptin for a year, every 3 weeks, at the same time as I receive radiation (but the radiation for a much shorter time). After that, I will officially be considered cured and will have to be on an oral medication called Tamoxifen for 10 years, which blocks my estrogen and progesterone receptors. All of this post-surgery treatment is to prevent the cancer from coming back in any other part of my body, including my breasts. Without it, the cancer has about a 26% chance of coming back which is considered high.
Because chemo and Tamoxifen damages lady sperms, I will also be undergoing surgery to get my eggs harvested so that I can have a baby in the future if I want one. – in fact, I just got back from the doctor and I start injecting myself with fertility drugs today. I will also be getting surgery to install a chemo port in my arm for easier drug administering.
I carefully considered whether I would be public about my cancer, and the reasons I’m telling you all here are the following: 1. I’m a comedian and I would like to make jokes about my cancer so if we all know I have cancer maybe we can laugh at my jokes quicker. By “we” I mean “you” because I think I’m hilarious and I’m already laughing at my jokes. 2. If you’re reading this and you have a lump and you haven’t gone to the doctor, DO IT you may literally save your own life!!! 3. I don’t want you to be weird around me or to wonder if you know – I would rather assume everyone knows and move on. 4. I’m gonna need help. I hate writing that word and I just erased it 5 times but I’m very scared about what the treatment is going to do to my body and my mind. I would like to say here that if we’ve shared a significant moment together and you like me, please keep me in your thoughts for the next 18 weeks. Hit me up, keep in touch, come watch TV at my house, treat me like a person. And after chemo’s over I’ll just go fuck myself and we don’t have to speak ever again.
There are some questions you might have and I’ve put the most common ones here in hopes that I don’t have to keep answering them over and over
A ductal carcinoma, stage I.
1.8 centimeters, but my body had encased it so the lump I was feeling was like 2 inches.
Are you gonna lose your hair?
I don’t know yet. I’m hoping that with the use of a cool cap I won’t lose all of it, but I don’t know. Please don’t ask me about this and treat whatever happens on my head as completely normal unless it’s a bird or I have a wig and my wig is sliding off then plz gently fix me.
Is cancer super-expensive, do you need financial help?
Yes, but luckily I trapped Max into marriage a year and a half ago, and he has that good-ass WGA insurance, so actually the $30,000+ it has cost so far has been mostly covered.
You’re so nice, thank you for asking. This has been happening super fast and my emotions are all over the place, so I’m not sure what I need exactly. Here’s what’s always appreciated: texts that check up on me, food, offers to visit, treating me without pity but with maybe a lil extra gentleness because I’m not going to be my best self always in the next 18 weeks.
Also, please don’t tell me cancer stories about people you know. I just emotionally can’t handle it right now. However, if you yourself have gone through this and you wanna reach out, please do. Also, do not send me articles about cancer treatment, holistic or otherwise. I know your heart is in the right place but if you send me an article telling me to drink potato juice or albino baby urine I will fucking hit you in the face.
Also, please give me stage time! I don’t give a fuck how that sounds. Standup has been such a blessing through this whole ordeal, I’m going to need it to make it through this. I’m super happy I was on the road both times I got not so good news – LYAO and Out of Bounds. I got to be normal and do what I love the most in the middle of the world crashing down around me. Thank you to everyone who put those fests together, and got me up in Atlanta and Austin, what you did meant more to me than you know. I don’t yet know how I will react to the chemo, but I promise to not cancel unless I’m physically unable to come. I’m still going to try and do the last 2 festivals I have left for the year (if I can) so please believe I’m not gonna stop comedy for cancer.
Ok thank you for reading I know this was so long it was almost as bad as getting cancer. <3
