Softie Spidey @softiepeterpan - Tumblr Blog

I feel like because depression is such a common diagnosis (reasonably) that the seriousness of it is often downplayed, and not much thought is given to the person’s quality of life. Like, it’s weird to say that it feels like Major Depressive Disorder is often still not talked about despite the efforts to raise awareness about suicide. But maybe it’s because people don’t understand how depression that severe is? (I don’t want others to personally understand how horrible it is. I have firsthand, on-going experience and don’t wish it on others.) Or maybe it’s because it’s been oddly glamorized by social media? Like it’s something trendy rather than something debilitating and deadly?

For me, Major Depressive Disorder has caused chronic suicidal ideation. I found out that like, not even my partner, who is a health psychology social worker, even knows that much about it or knows many people who suffer from it. It just seems unfathomable to others that my brain is concocting reasons for me to kill myself every hour of every day. And no, this isn’t an exaggeration. Yeah, sometimes the intervals are longer than an hour or so, sometimes shorter, but I guess it just boggles their minds. (I’m personally mind-boggled by non-depressed or non-severely-depressed people.) My brain’s answer to every single problem is to kill myself. And not even big problems. I could drop a fork on the floor and suddenly here comes the suicidal thought. I don’t fantasize about my blorbos at night before I go to sleep no matter how much I wish to. I fantasize about killing myself.

The worst part is that I can hardly reveal this to any professional, because no one gets it. They don’t get that there’s a difference between suicidal thoughts, urges, and intent. They’re 3 separate things! So I can’t even always safely work on adjusting these thought patterns because if I say the wrong thing I’ll be locked up inpatient against my will. So I’m not even allowed to share the true depths of my suffering. I’ve been inpatient officially 3 times, but with my consent. I was the one who chose those hospitalizations.

Forced hospitalization for this kind of stuff is genuinely terrifying, because hospitalization is not always the help someone needs. Having my autonomy and even my humanity (some staff SUCK) torn from me when I reach for help isn’t helping. That’s not assisting anyone in anyway. That’s imprisonment.

Psych hospitals aside (I got sidetracked) I just wish people like me who have depression this severely were treated better. I wish we were allowed to be seen, allowed to talk about our suffering, allowed to have our suffering taken seriously. We’re not allowed this though, because a peep out of us and suddenly we’re being locked up and drugged into silence.

softiepeterpan

this is exactly why i dont open up about my depression and the frequent suicide ideation/thoughts because i’m terrified of getting locked up, especially cause in my area we don’t have the best mental health resources since we’re in a fairly remote town. i find it hard to open up to others about it because sometimes people have a hard time understanding that its ideation with no intent. its exhausting having those thoughts come up so often and being forced to navigate life through that thick fog, i find its often hard to deal with it because its so overwhelming and dont know where to start, especially since i’ve struggled with it since i was young kid and with how it effects my day to day life. its like whiplash because i could be fine throughout the day with low periods, have normal encounters with people but the minute i’m by myself its like that suffocating fog never left. other times its often hard for me to interact with others and i have an extremely hard time socializing, often a lot more quiet and stuck in my head. the amount of brain fog that comes along with it only makes it that much more difficult. anyway, the reason for my little vent is to say to those also struggling: just know your not alone in it, this is a safe space to talk about it with no judgement♥️

#depression rant #tw depressing thoughts #dealing with depression #dont know how to tag this #mdd vent #major depressive disorder

i can't stand people who got their personalities from leftist twitter wow your favourite musical artist is slayyyter your favourite writer is kafka and you hate picasso 🤯 and you're a cat person who believes the dislike for cats is somehow sexist but cannot explain how? and you do not dream of labour? wow we should notify the press. what else. is your favourite poem the orange by wendy cope. wow

syrenki

it's not even that i find the views themselves incorrect it's just that if you accept every single belief that was handed to you ready-made by the zeitgeist and you don't seem to have even one opinion that is not the current most popular one in the in-group then i just fear that in every other group you would accept everything just to fit in too. and there are some nasty groups on planet earth