Love and the Other Body Bags

Love, loss, and the in-between.

[softlyelegantsong]

The In-Between

Spilled thoughts, spilled words. Love, loss, and the in-between. Gentle witness welcome.

[thoughtkick]

“Make yourself a priority. At the end of the day, you’re your longest commitment.”

— Unknown

[paper-wounds]

Fortesa Latifi, from The Truth About Grief.

[lcsagony]

"You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering."

-Ernest Hemingway

[perfectfeelings]

“You can’t expect yourself to go from a negative mentality to a positive one overnight, but every time you correct a bad thought you are growing! So focus on your growth, not the fact that you aren’t “there” yet.”

— Unknown

[mindinthevoid]

A person doesn’t have to only drain u with arguments and fights. They can drain u with lack of communication, lack of trust, lack of empathy, lack of apologizing, lack of acknowledgment, and lack of fulfilling your love language. Know the red flags

[softlyelegantsong]

When Love Isn't Enough

How could you?

How could you hold me like that and then throw me away?

How could you make me feel so beautiful, so comfortable, that I showed you my body, a body I hate?

“It’s not you, it’s me.” I was scared too. I was terrified, but I trusted you anyway.

I felt like a person. I felt wanted. I felt whole.

Was it all in my head? Was it all just some hopeless, one-sided delusion?

Four days. That’s all it took.

Four days of being treated like an actual person for me to start… feeling.

Isn't that just sad.

I think I’m angry.

How dare you toss me aside after all of that? How can you hold someone like that, touch someone like that, and then push them away?

I know I’m sad. I know I’m heartbroken.

And logically, I know there is nothing I can do to make you feel comfortable with this.

I know you’re not perfect. I know you’ve been hurt. I know I don’t know your whole story.

But I accepted you for who you were in that moment. Flaws and all.

Your history does not scare me. Your flaws do not scare me. Your trauma does not scare me.

But how I feel does not matter. This isn’t about me.

Your pain is real. Your fear is real. And I have no right to rush you through this.

I’m still hurt. I’m still angry. I’m still confused.

But I understand.

[softlyelegantsong]

My heart is a fragile, delicate thing.

With only a few simple words,

it shattered.

Broken. Crumbled.

Into thousands upon thousands

of tiny, sharp shards.

Now I feel empty,

while those pieces ache

and slice inside my chest.

I just want to be held in someone’s arms.

To be told I’m worthy exactly as I am.

I just want someone

who stays when I’m struggling.

I just want to be loved.

I don’t want to be tossed aside.

Used.

Abandoned.

Made to feel worthless.

I just wanted to be loved.

But now I’m alone again.

And life goes on,

one agonizing beat at a time.

[rbncxs]

Don't be a bandage in anyone's life. Bandages are thrown away after wounds heal.

[perfectfeelings]

“Perhaps the problem is not the intensity of your love but the quality of the people you are loving.”

— Warsan Shire

[softlyelegantsong]

Hope is fickle flame.

Easy to spark. Easy to extinguish.

The words we share have so much power.

Some of us forget that.

A few simple words. That's all it takes.

To mend.

To break.

To lift up.

To tear down.

The hope we can inspire in each other—with just a few words—is a beautifully terrifying thing.

And we've cheapened it.

I'm sorry... for what?

I love you... then why lie? Why sneak?

I promise... then why break it?

Actions speak louder, yes. But words are the foundation.

If our words mean nothing... what do we have?

But hey. I'm just a random woman on the internet. What do I know?

Just sharing my words into the void.

Craving to be seen. Heard. Understood.

[softlyelegantsong]

Moving on is slow. Painful. I've learned that now.

It's not linear. There are twists and turns. Sharp ones. Gradual ones. Hell, even some backtracking.

He doesn't care. He never did.

I still care so much. And it aches—knowing he's fine without me.

It's selfish to admit, but I wanted him to struggle.

I wanted him to suffer. Like me.

But he's not.

Why must my heart bleed for a boy who never truly loved me?

Why must it hold onto this terrible ache?

My poor heart has been through enough.

Why can't I just will this pain to end?

These questions haunt me.

Someday I hope—no, know—this pain will end.

But for now, I have to live with it. Suffer through it. And learn something.

Life goes on. One painful beat at a time.

[softlyelegantsong]

My pain was my identity.

It shaped me. Molded me. Formed me into whatever this is.

I thought my pain was all I ever was. All I ever could be.

I let the past lay the pathway for my future.

Fear made all my choices.

I don't want to live that way anymore.

But I don't know how to move on.

Who am I without this pain? Without this fear?

What am I?

I don't know anymore. I don't know if I ever did.

I'm uncomfortable in this in-between.

This desire to change and grow—smothered by fear.

Stuck in the limbo of uncertainty.

Am I strong enough to change?

Am I strong enough to grow?

I don't know.

[remanence-of-love]

[girltalk]

[motivationalquotesworld]

[softlyelegantsong]

⚠️ Content note: suicidal ideation (friend), panic response, emergency services.

Words cannot even begin to describe what I'm feeling today.

Last night was probably one of the worst nights of my life.

I felt helpless.

My friend bared their soul to me.

They wanted to hurt themselves.

They wanted to disappear.

They wanted the pain to stop.

I tried my best. Stayed calm. Offered every scrap of support I could find in that moment.

But I was under my own pressure.

My own mental illness.

My own struggles.

And I was under the influence too.

What the hell was I supposed to do?

I called the authorities.

Hoped to god nothing had happened.

And waited.

While I waited, the world came crashing down.

I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't stop crying.

I couldn't stop trembling.

I couldn't stop picturing them hurt. Or worse.

My heart still hurts. Even after the call that said they were okay.

Today I'm drained.

Today I'm not fully here.

Today I'm purely on autopilot.

I just want to go home and go to bed.

But life goes on.

Whether I like it or not.