conversations overhead through the batkid com lines pt. 30 (masterpost here)
Jason: god, i love nights like this. enough idiots to punch that i can feel the ache in my joints from putting them down, but things still settle early enough that i can sit and have a cigarette before passing out.
Tim: it is the best. budge over, i'm sitting.
Jason: heeey, haven't seen you yet tonight kiddo! want a beer?
Tim: you can't call me kiddo and then offer me beer, Jason.
Jason: supposedly i also can't come back to life, yet here we are.
Tim: ...yeah i'll have a beer.
*popping of cap* *clinking of bottles*
Tim: *drawn out groan* fuck that's good.
Jason: right? took em' off a drug lord gettin' too cocky at one of my clubs. that's a hell of a shiner you got on your jaw by the way. fuck'd you do?
Tim: ugh, pushed Dami out of the way of a baseball bat, took it myself.
Jason: eesh. baseball bats hurt, man. wait till you get one to your kneecap, it's brutal.
Tim: makes me cringe at the thought. worst baseball bat injury you've ever had, go.
Jason: ooh, that's a hard one. *sloshing of liquid* my dad knocked me down our apartment building's stairs by whacking me across the head with one, once. got a scar on the back of my head and everythin'.
Tim: no shit? what'd ya do to deserve that?
Jason, snickering: oh i stole his car keys and smashed his car into a fence.
Tim: incredible. i did that once, but mine didn't care. just bought another car.
Jason: aww, how sweet. see, who needs to hit your kid when you have money?
Tim: *laughs* so no rich parental figure's ever hit you?
Jason: i mean the league's pretty rich and we got hit a bunch there. you know i actually- *snort* i don't think i've ever had a parent that hasn't hit me at some point.
Tim, laughing morbidly: jesus christ- wait even B?
Jason, incredulous: we grew up fighting the man, of course he's smacked me a few times!
Tim: well- ok, *laughs* you know what i mean, not like a sparring thing. i know he used to smack Dick a bit, back when it was more socially acceptable.
Jason: ah, the joys of ye-olden child rearing traditions.
*shifting, liquid sloshing*
Jason, abruptly: WAIT HE THREW A FUCKING BATARANG AT MY NECK! i fucking forgot about that- that definitely counts-!
Tim: oh my god yeah, did he ever apologise for that?
Jason: oh my god, yeah he did. he fucking- *wheezes* he fuckin' came up to me like a week later and he was like. 'my bad Jay. i was aiming for your hand', and i was like. 'you fuckin' liar',
Tim: *breathy cackles* YOU LIAR, as fucking IF,
Jason: yeah- fucking exactly, i was like motherfucker you and i BOTH FUCKING KNOW,
Tim: god he's such a- he never admits when he's wrong, it's insane!
Jason: well he's an only child with emotional constipation, it's textbook!
Tim: *wheeze* i'm just imagining- i'm just imagining him wringing his hands together, Alfred behind him just glaring daggers, and he's like, 'it wasn't my fault' and you're just standing there, blood still pouring out of your neck-
Jason: *bursts out laughing* *high pitched* he fucking- he was like 'i can pay for your medical treatment if you want' i was like 'OH YOU FUCKING WILL, WILL YOU?'
*loud wheezing, choking laughter*
Tim: what actually happened after that? like what- cause you were alone at that point right?
Jason: yeah it was just me, i don't even think Dick knew my identity at that point, i don't think B told him.
Jason: yeah but he didn't know shit was going down and he was still sworn to secrecy, wasn't he? so i was by myself.
Tim: did you just like- stitch up your own neck?
Jason: actually i- *snort* i called Ra's.
Jason: *wheeze* no i did! i called him- i remember going back home just like, man, B is a bitch. and i wanted to talk shit about him, so i fucking videocalled Ra's because i was like 'Ra's is always down to shittalk B, this will be great'. so Ra's picked up the phone and i'm just looking at him, delirious from blood loss, and i think i went something like, 'you are never going to believe what that furry fucker did now'-
Jason, struggling to hold back laughter: -and he- and i remember so clearly him just staring at me, so confused, and eventually he was like 'Jason what did i fucking tell you?' and then he got some of his Gotham assassins to play ambulance and they showed up to make sure i didn't die.
Tim: what did i fucking tell you?
Jason, amused: oh kid- he was so tired of me. i had been stressing this man the fuck, out, for years. he literally did warn me,
Tim, wheezing brokenly: of what?
Jason: he pulled me aside before i went to Gotham and he was like *serious tone* 'Jason, you talk a lot of shit, and i need you to know that if you keep talking shit once you go back to Gotham you are going to get fucking merced.'
Tim: *high pitched* ok he did not-
Jason: OK WELL IT WASN'T EXACTLY THAT BUT THAT WAS THE VIBE- what i mean is he fucking knew; like he watched my rageful bitch-ass rambling about my plans for once i got back to the city and he was like 'we he'll last about a week max'.
Tim: i just can't believe you called Ra's before you called Damian.
Jason: are you shitting me? Damian would have needed a cool-down time. i had to call him out to a safe, open location, and then distract him with shiny rocks while he let the information sit.
Tim: *cackles loudly* you're joking-!
Jason: no i'm not fucking joking! if i had told Damian what had happened while that kid was at the manor he would have murdered Bruce in his sleep; kid needed a cool-down period, trust me.
Tim: you should have done it, i would have wanted to see that.
Jason: oh it would have been great, but you gotta think of the aftermath. B has so many assets, do you know how much law shit we'll have to go through to sort through his will and stuff? i'm trying to delay that as long as possible.
Tim, contemplatively: you know that's actually fair, it took me like six months to sort through Jack and Janet's shit.
Jason: exactly, see? i'm fuckin' smart.
Tim: do you actually have derogatory gossip sessions with Ra's about B...?
Jason, without missing a beat: -Replacement let me tell you they are the best part of the month. we get cheesecake and clear out the entire afternoon for it.
Tim: one day i'm going to go back to my roots and just follow you around for a week to see what happens, i swear to god.
Dick: ...is that you two on that roof by the butcher store on the edge of the alley?
*shuffling, hasty bottle clinking*
Jason: shit- we're caught,
Dick: Tim are you fucking holding a beer bottle?!
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